10 Pounds L[f]at[t]er

It’s crazy how you can gain weight so fast. Like what’s up with that? Who made this dumb rule, I don’t like it and it needs to be changed as soon as possible.

I worked so hard to get to the weight I wanted to be at, which is really generous for myself, to come back to being the same as when I started.

In just two weeks I manage to gain 10 pounds. Last week was thanksgiving. You mean to tell me that I should refrain from eating all that delicious food? Nope, not I. I probably ate more than I should have, yes, I won’t lie there.

Plus the rest of the days my boyfriend and I ate out aggressively. Snacks at home like we’re 12 also.

This week was no different. I was a little bit under the weather so I didn’t go to the gym. To add on to the it rained so I stayed in bed watching Disney +.

And if you’re in bed, sick, watching Disney movies, of course you’re going to need snacks and hot chocolate.

Now I’m back at the gym, and I made the mistake of getting in the scale and seeing that I’m back to where I started a month ago, if not worse.

I need to stop compulsive eating. I think that’s my issue. But food is just too good to quit.

How do people become health nuts? Or vegans? What demonic presence do they sell their soul to in order to be that thin? Because I swear there can’t be any other way. This whole losing weight is demonic, I swear.

I’m Not Waiting For 2020

This week has really been a week for me. And I know that may not seem like a surprise since I mainly almost say it nearly every week but that’s what my life has become only because I have let it.

There was a minor thing that happened last week, and I say minor because I refuse to give it power over me. Basically my mom told me that if I continued with my “worldly ways” she would have to cut ties with me and no longer communicate with me. This comes to no surprise to me and I think I have accepted the fact that it will happen weather I like it or not.

She said this because I told her I was going out for the whole entire Thanks Giving weekend. I didn’t tell here with who or where but she knew I was going to celebrate it, and that’s a huge no no for her. But, I was whatever about it, I have already accepted the fact that she is going to follow the instructions that they give her.

It’s almost weird, accepting that fact. Why would I want someone who isn’t going to accept me for me, even if it is my own mother.

My friends are all fighting with each other. I know what’s going on but at the same time I don’t. They always make plans and then someone always ends up canceling, and even though that is annoying, none of us can be mad about it because we all do it once in a while, so there is no reason for them to be fighting, I guess I have really petty friends. Plus, we are all adults, we all have life’s, and we need to be understanding with each other.

This time, unlike other times, where I am always trying to fix the situation and trying my best to get them all together again, I wont be doing so. Not this time, this time they can fix it on their own. It’s not my job honestly. I always lose my mind and forget about myself when I try to save them from themselves.

I have decided to take care of myself first. I come first. I’m going to start being selfish for once in my life, without losing the care that I have for others.

All my life I have been bending over for people, no wonder they come to me first because they know I will be there for them no mater what mental state I am at the moment, and I know that they know but do they care? Nope. I need to care for myself. If I don’t then who will?

And mind you I am not waiting for 2020. I’m not for all that “new year new me” bullshit, if I can better myself today why not do it today? Why the heck do I have to wait for a whole dam New Year?

No, this is my time, I don’t care what year it is, its about dam time that I start taking care of myself.

Needy.

So I was melodramatically sitting in my boyfriends bathroom this weekend, because if there’s something I know how to do well, that’s complicate things. I was all up in my feelings, like I usually am. I am not the best at talking about my feelings, even though I thought I have always been in tune with them, but I guess this whole relationship is teaching me new things about myself.

I am very emotional, sentimental, and sometimes way to clingy. I am needy, lets put it that way. My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I call myself needy. He tells me that I “need a lot of love”. But, at the same times that’s still being needy.

I asked if our relationship would always be this way. Me having to beg to be held, or kissed, or even remind him that I want him to be romantic. I don’t want a friend, I want a boyfriend. Of course, in order to be a boyfriend you first have to be their friend, but we are past that level. We are beyond that bridge.

I want romance, I want to see the world in a light red color haze, I want Love.

He already knows me well enough to know when something is up. So we talked about it. After he asked what was wrong with me. He cried, I cried. It was a hot mess. But at the end of the day it did need to happen. And I wont lie, it felt really nice to see how much he cared that I wasn’t being myself. I understand that there will be times when not everything is butterflies and rainbows, but when its in my hands and I can control it, I want it to be butterflies and rainbows, even fucking unicorns and all that shit.

He’s becoming my everything. I can’t afford to lose him, but I can’t afford to lose myself either just when I’m beginning to know who I am. I am growing as a person and I am also growing in this relationship. And I want to grow along with him.

It’s sad I don’t get to see him for five days. The days that we had were amazing though, and I cherish every moment.

Here To Stay

I am a flip flopper. Better said I was?

My boyfriend told me recently that he is really scared that I will go back to my former religion. He said that living with my mother who is still in it will make me want to go back. He thinks that some of my former friends that are in that religion will find a way to convince me to return and drop everything I have with him.

Why does he feel this way? Because it has happened before. It has happened so many times I can’t count them all.

I will be living my life and then I’ll just drop everything and go back to the “religion” because I feel guilty. When I was dating him last year I did the same thing. I talked to him for about a month, and then I told him that I had to stop talking to him for religions reasons. But gladly we found our way back to each other after a year.

This is what scares him. Me leaving again, now that we have an established relationship and its honestly going great, he’s scared one day I’ll just up and leave.

There’s nothing I can do or say that will make him change his way of thinking. He feels that way because that’s what he knows and I can’t blame him or be mad at him for thinking that way. He’s allowed to.

All I can do is show him how committed I am to him. Show him that I am here to stay. I know for a fact that I don’t want to go back to the place I was in, but who’s to say that mentality will or wont change? It’s crazy for me to even think that I would return. I can’t even imagine it. But crazy shit happens all the time, doesn’t it?

Nothing is for certain in this life, nothing. Not even the love he says he has for me.

First Thanksgiving

This will be my very first Thanksgiving I will be celebrating. It’s really the year of firsts isn’t it?

My boyfriend invited me to his families Thanksgiving a couple weeks ago. I was really excited when he did. Everything that involves him and spending time with him makes me happy.

I am nervous though. I am not good at meeting new people. I have only met one of his sisters and when I say ‘met’ I mean it very loosely. I have also met his mom and stepdad, but the only words we have ever exchanged is hello and goodbye when I’m leaving and they happen to be in the living room.

I’m usually the quite one in the group when meeting new people. I need to see who they are, I need to feel the environment, I need to fell safe. If not then I’ll go into my shell. There are times when surprisingly I will be the most talkative. Usually that’s with my friends.

The thing is that all his family will be there. I don’t know them, I don’t know how they function. Plus, this is the first Thanksgiving I will be attending so its new all together.

I’m scared yes, but at the same time I’m excited. I want to be happy, I want to live my life.