Malibu Fantasy

My Malibu fantasy was cut short yesterday. Technically it didn’t even happen at all.

This weekend my boyfriend and I got an Air B&B in Malibu right at the beach. I thought it would be perfect. It was right on the beach, great location, good ratings, everything we wanted.

Except we weren’t going to be alone. I’ll take full responsibility for this though. Because it was my first time, I didn’t chose the room wisely. There are places you can get alone, and there are places where the owner is there just in a separate room.

Although, I feel like I thought the listing said private? But any who, we might have ended up staying if the guy wasn’t so picky.

As we walked in he told us no shoes on the carpet. Ok, I mean sure. Then he told us we had to eat outside on the balcony. No food or drinks in the rooms either. Which was all that we packed for. Snacks so we could chill in the room the whole night. I mean Corona wasn’t going to let us do much. And a list of another things I lost track of in the end.

Once the tour was over my boyfriend looked at me and I looked at him and with out a doubt we grabbed our things and canceled the reservation. Sadly we didn’t get our money back which SUCKS, but we came home and still had a some what nice of an evening, until everyone started shooting fireworks.

Maybe there will be another time to visit Malibu. But now I know for sure to make sure that the place we get doesn’t come with a picky over the top owner that lives in the place to watch over our every move.

Birthday Surprise

Yesterday I went to a friends house because she had invited me to go on a hike. I was excited because it had been a while since I last seen her, plus I love going on walks and hikes with friends.

I drove to her home and once she let me in I noticed how well dressed she was (not in athletic attire). Then she walked me to the dinning room and that’s when I saw the decorations and my other friends standing.

I have to say it was one of the best feelings I think I have ever felt. I don’t know why. I felt great. It was really nice, I was not expecting it at all! She had orchestrated this all by her self and it came out so cute.

To add on to the surprise she wrote me this really cute note that could have made me cry but I refuse to cry in front of people, but it was so sentimental and emotional I absolutely loved it.

Moments like this really make me feel special. Especially all the things she said in her little note she gave me. I had no idea, but I am glad she expressed herself.

I love my friends and I appreciate that they took their time and effort to do this for me it was great.

Birthday Blues

Yesterday was my 26th Birthday. Naturally I woke up crying, as the emotionally out of control person that I am, and honestly it felt good.

I didn’t think the day would be any good if I am honest. And even though nothing really surprising happened it went well for a COVID Birthday. Is that a thing? I guess it will be this year.

I arrived at work very melodramatic, it didn’t help that the sky was an awful gray. Usually I like days like that but not when I’m feeling sentimental. My boss had decorated my office space by making a mess with blue party strings all over the place. I have to admit this won my heart over in one second. I really was not expecting anything what so ever from them. I mean they like me but I didn’t think they would go out of their way to do that, which was nice. They got me cake and also bought me lunch for the day, oh and a gift card as well.

Since I didn’t actually do anything on the actual day (party wise) I decided to reminisce and look back at past years and what I have done. Technically out of the 26 years I have been alive I have only celebrated 2 years, not counting yesterday. It’s kind of sad but on the other hand, I have a lot of celebration to make up for.

My friends were more than sweet wishing me great things that I wish would happen not only to me but to the rest of the world. My boyfriend got me some roses and a corgi stuffed animal since he knows I am obsessed with them, along with a lot of chocolates.

It was a cute day, and it did make me feel a little better. Actually it made me feel great, I wonder if that’s good or if I need to work on my ego. I wouldn’t say ego though, It’s more of the attention of love and acceptance. I don’t know that’s for another post.

Anyways I had a good time doing nothing and just being alive and looking back at good memories. It sucks that my friends and I couldn’t all get together and do something but there is always next year.

Now, I can’t wait until this weekend when I go to the beach. It may not be the same as past years, but I’ll be there with my boyfriend and I know it will be fun.

Guilt

I feel guilty. I don’t know why.

Actually, I do know why, but I’m having trouble forming the correct words to describe exactly what I’m feeling. This is troublesome for me because I’ve never been one to not understand how to express my emotions before.

I guess I feel bad for feeling bad. Does that make sense? I feel bad for feeling the way that I do towards my boyfriend.

He’s done an impecable job at being understanding and trying to be the best version of himself to me. But why is that not enough?

Is it because no version is as good as the version I have made in my head? Or the version he is is not the version I want? I know no one will ever live up to the person I have created in my head. I just have to accept that fact that who he is, is what I have.

Maybe my unhappiness is coming from another place? The frustration of losing my mother, the quick lose of privacy, or maybe the old unwanted friendship with depression and anxiety?

What ever it is I’d like to figure it out. Close that hole that’s opened inside me and be happy once again.

Him & I

Will I ever be happy?

I know that’s a loaded question but it is one I need to ask. I don’t know who I am asking it to. God? The Universe? A special Higher Power? Who knows, but the question still stands.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, at least that is what I tell myself and him. But, is it actually fact? I am a lover, I am and attention and affection whore, so to speak. I am nice, I am sweet. He is all but the opposite.

Am I even allowed to complain? He opened his doors for me when my own mother kicked me out. He has done everything in his power to make me feel like this is also my home. Then, why isn’t it enough? Why do I a need more?

Why is it that what comes out of his mouth is not what I want him to say? Why is it that his actions are not the ones I want to see. What if the way he thinks is not the way I would like him to.

I know that the perfect couple doesn’t exist, but I know that him and I are not at each others throats like cats and dogs having a blood bath of fights, no. The thing is that I am not happy. In other words (words I did not wish I had to say) he doesn’t make me happy.

But how can I tell him? How can I tell him that I do not like the way he acts? He is who he is right? Why would I tell him to change? To who? To the person in my head I would want him to be? That’s sounds so toxic.

Have I fallen in love with the idea of “Love”. I think I have and I think I am seeing it know.

The thing is, I don’t think he will ever please me emotionally. He can not match my romanticism. He can not match my affection and attention.

What is there to do now?

26 Soon

My birthday is less then a week away.

Last year my birthday was epic. I loved every single moment of it and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I think it was the best birthday by far that I have ever had. I went to the beach with some of my closest friends. Then we went home got changed and went to my favorite club, where I got to dance with more friends of mine that joined us later.

What will this year be like? I’m not sure, this year my birthday lands on a Monday so I doubt that I will be able to celebrate anything on the day of. I’ve never been one to celebrate every single birthday anyways. I grew up in a religion where it was almost as bad as committing murder to do so.

But now I feel like there is no need to celebrate it. Maybe I have just gotten old? Or maybe it is the vibe of everything? I just really don’t care about it honestly, I don’t have an emotional connection with birthdays like most people do.

My boyfriend did say we should do something though, which was nice of him. He kind of picked the whole thing, but I’m fine with that. We’re going to a beach getaway a week after my birthday. It’s actually the 4th of July weekend. Which in part makes it feel less like my birthday, but I digress.

Well, I will be 26 soon, what should I expect? Half of the year will be over by the time I turn 26 and it hasn’t been the greatest of time, hopefully the rest of it can lighten up a bit, I know it sounds really optimistic to think so but I feel like that’s what we need.

I Understand That She Doesn’t Understand

It has been officially a little over a month since I left home (or was kicked out if you want to be cruel).

I don’t know where my emotions sit at the moment. I miss my mother. I haven’t seen her in the amount of time that I have been away from home. Every time I think about her and my brother I get super emotional. Part of me even wishes things would go back to the way they were.

Will that feeling ever go away? This wave of sadness that I get when I look back on my past and see my family in it, then look to the present and see that they are no longer there?

I know many people would tell me that it will go away, that it will get better and I will feel great about it. But what if I don’t want it to? I feel sort of guilty just thinking of the day I will look back and not feel a thing, or feel happy that I was kicked out. Why is that?

I have heard it all before, I’m so happy I was kicked out that’s how I found myself, my life didn’t really start until I was kicked out, or whatever. What a load of BS. I will never be happy that my mom is not talking to me, I will never be ok that she thinks the worst of me, I will never be ok with any of this.

I love my mother even though she may hate me at the moment. I understand that she doesn’t understand. That isn’t a valid reason to hate her like many people in my situation usually do.

As much as I’d like her to understand, she wont. I have accepted that, but just because I have, that doesn’t automatically remove the hurt.

School’s Out

I have officially finished school.

Today was the last zoom “meeting” we had with our teacher. It was, the ceremony we will never have, because of COVID.

In all honesty it was rather sad and depressing but what can you do about it, this stupid virus go the best of the world this year and it took lives, events, and peoples plans with it.

I am happy that I finished it though. I don’t know if I am happy that I am done with it or that I actually accomplished it, maybe both. Either way its done.

What’s next for me? Well, I still have one more test to pass to get a certain certification but other than that I can start looking for clerical jobs around my area. I still work part time for my internship that hired me, which I am great full for. But, to have a job closer and it be full time would be better.

What will the rest of 2020 bring us? I feel like we’ve seen enough.

I Love Food

I feel fat.

I know that it is the least of everyone’s worries right now, but that’s just how I feel, and if I’m honest I think I’m ok with it for now. I might have gained some weight ever since I moved in with my Boyfriend, not that I’m blaming him. I know for a fact that I gained weight during quarantine.

Is it my fault though? No. I didn’t close the gyms, I didn’t make it illegal to go to the park. Its just very frustrating. And I don’t want to sound like those hill billies that want the state to reopen, but I feel like I already do, ugh.

It’s so hard to stay in shape with no motivation though. Or just being at home in general. I just want to eat all the time. I feel like there is a deeper reason behind all my binge eating. I mean I have been going through a lot these couple of weeks so that’s understandable.

This morning when I was getting dressed for work I noticed that my pants didn’t even button anymore. And that’s after I sucked in all the fat that I could, still nada. I had to use a hair tie to extend the button so my pants would be able to close. Sounds funny and sad at the same time if you ask me. (LOL).

For a moment I felt really sad, well not sad, more like pathetic?. Like how could I let myself go like that? I don’t think I have ever been this big before, all my clothes are super tight on me, its not cute. I haven’t even weighed myself, I don’t want to bring that sorrow onto me right now.

I got out of feeling sorry for myself by telling myself, what ever, I’ll workout and eat better when the gyms are open. I’m not really sure if that’s a healthy way of thinking but that’s the way my mind rolled into acceptance this morning. I love food, what can you do?

I think I will have to start a game plan. I read that losing weight is 20% exercise and 80% eating healthy. The odds are not in my favor. I think I’m getting old too, I remember it was not this hard to keep a steady weight. I lost a remarkable amount of weight one summer, I looked really good too if I’m honest. But I was at the ripe age of 22. Now I have to really try harder.

But, I guess, until then I will just have to wing it. I can’t afford to stress about one more thing, I have enough things on my plate (pun intended) to worry about.

I Miss Then and They Miss Me

I ate a burger today, I cried while eating it and I’m not sorry about it.

 

I went to see my dogs today, I took them food and also gave them a bath. It was nice to see them. I talked to my brother for a bit which was nice. We caught up on what’s going on with this “transition”, if you will. My mother told him that he was not to talk to me once they announce to the whole congregation that I am no longer a Jehovah Witness. They don’t announce the reason, but I’m sure in due time everyone will know.

I don’t know when that will be, but I know it will be soon. The procedure is to contact me and ask me if I want to repent or change my mind, if I did I would still be shunned until I showed that I really regretted what I did. But, since I will not change my mind, I will be expelled from the church. They haven’t contacted me, and if I am honest, I don’t know if they ever will. They tend to do what ever they want anyways.

My brother informed me that our mom doesn’t want my dogs there anymore. I don’t know what to do about that. I would like to bring them here but I don’t want to cause any issues with my boyfriends mom. She has a dog already and I don’t want there to be any issue with the dogs that will lead to all of us having issues with each other.

So, that’s why I was sad. I still am if I’m honest. I feel bad that my brother has to deal with all this, and I’m frustrated that my dogs are getting involved in it too, they’re dogs and they don’t know what is going on. I miss them and they miss me.

But we’ll see what happens.