If You Didn’t Ask It’s Because You Didn’t Want To Know

I’m pissed off Journal,

      Well, not as much as I was a couple of hours ago. I posted a story on Snapchat yesterday (that was rather depressing) I hadn’t posted anything in over two months. My two “best friends” both saw it and messaged me. One (Jen) said, “you’re not in this alone.”  The other (Eli) said, “we’ve been texting you but glad to see you’re ok.” To both of them I replied “I know” which led to Jen not responding and Eli messaging back, sorry for bugging you I’ll leave you alone. 

      Now, I’m not in a good place but it’s not that bad. But what if it was? What if I was on the verge of leaving this life and they acted this way? All bitter and sassy? I can’t think that, that would only contribute to me taking one of the worst decisions in life, death. Like everyone else I have my good days as well as my bad days, but the difference is sometimes my bad days are really bad.

      Lets try some common sense. If you have a friend that you know is going through some shit, per say. Like money or health problems or even both (because life’s a bitch). Lets say they have social anxiety and have a hard time expressing their emotions. They always smile because they don’t want to bring attention to themselves and their problems. They don’t want to bring anyone down. Everything seems fine but they seem very distant. What would you do?

      I don’t know if it’s just me, but I would try to help that person. Listen to them. At first yes they’d say that everything is fine. They would possibly ignore me. But that doesn’t mean I would stop trying. I hate it when people ask me “how are you?” and once I say that everything is fine the conversation goes on but we both know that it’s not. I’m not sure if its pride or timidness but I wont come out and say that I’m hurting, or not ok. My brain thinks if you didn’t ask it’s because you didn’t want to know.

      Maybe its a wrong way to think. Maybe I have the fault in all this. Maybe I’m the one who should be apologizing. But my brain isn’t wired like that. All I think is, why haven’t my friends tried harder? Why haven’t they called me until I answered? If they don’t see me posting on social media why don’t they ask whats going on? Haven’t we known each other long enough to be worried for each other? All I get is empty words and no actions. Is our friendship over?

      While they’re out going to museums, movies, and concerts, I’m home sitting wondering how they have the courage to be within so many people. I wish I was more social. Social like them. I remember when I would run my mouth to people. I wouldn’t shut up. But that was only a part of my life, it has come and gone. It was like a small role in the movie that is my life that I played so well but that scene has ended. I have always been shy, timid, quite, antisocial. I keep to myself. I’m scared of human contact, may that be physical, emotional, or even mental. I live in a shell.

      Why don’t they understand that I’m not the type of person that when a problem arises, I wont run towards them for support. I hide and think. Think and think. Overthink. The only way I will open up is if I’m asked. And there’s nothing I can do to help that. And I hate it. Because then they think that I don’t want to tell them anything. They start to think that I don’t need their help or support. That’s possibly how they feel right now. But I have no clue how to make amends. I just wish they tried harder. Because I can’t anymore.
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2/27/2017

Can’t Afford The Dollar Menu

Journal,

     Yesterday was really hectic. I had so many things to do the day seemed never-ending. I woke up like any other normal day (and that says something because my days are anything but normal).I felt comfortable in my bed watching TV then I remembered I had to be somewhere. I had less than twenty minutes to get ready, drive, and be there.

     I had to be at my insurance (State Farm) because they refinanced my car, so now I will be paying it off way sooner and they provide free GAP Coverage (thank you). After that I had to drive to Car Max to cancel the GAP Coverage I had with them. Hopefully I get some money back, that would be more than nice. Mean while I’m busy doing all that stuff I’m also messaging one of my friend’s (we call her Momo, and I met her at my old job we literally only hanged out a few times but when we talk we just get each other, like we talk to each other every day).

     I was telling her how I stood up my other friends (the ones which I actually do or did hang out with). I felt horrible for not going and not even letting them know that I wasn’t going to show up. She told me to just tell them. To call them and explain whats going on. But I just can’t.


     Its different. I told her over the phone that when I talk to her she understands what I’m going through at least tries to, but with them, well one of them (Jen) she listens to what I say but then brushes it off like it’s no big deal. She changes the conversation so we don’t have to deal with my problems. That’s not what friends do. They help you find solutions. They don’t tell you that “its going to be ok” and then start talking about their favorite anime show.


     It’s sad because I love them with all my heart but who wants a friend that never has money to go out? Who wants a friend that is always complaining about their problems? They always like to go out. They have Disney annual passes! And I’m over here barely making my monthly car payments. Like, who wants to hang out with a person that can’t even afford the dollar menu?

     That problem isn’t salved yet, but at least I went to renew my work permit and everything is looking like its going to be approved (thank god). After that I agreed to go to Mount Rubidoux every Saturday. One of my church friends said he’d join in for moral support. Yet he still eats out with his family. This is my fight any ways right?

     Side note, my mom went out with her ex-boyfriend last night. I don’t know what to think about that. She said its just a friendly dinner. Yet, she cam home with new clothes and a bottle Brandy. Things in my life can not be any more complicated. (Jinxed that).

     Anyway, this Journal entry is just a mess. I don’t even know what half of what I said was but there you, you’re welcome.

2/26/2017

Socially Awkward

Journal,

     I can’t do! I’m freaking out! I’m sitting in my kitchen table on Netflix (which is usual) but the fact that its 6:13 pm on Friday, not any Friday, the second Friday that my friend’s have rescheduled a “Friend’s Night” so we can hang out.

     I have full anxiety. They have been group texting all day. I only joined once, they expect me to get there soon, (I said I’d be there t six) but I just can’t find it in me to get up and go. One of them asked where we wanted to eat. (I’m broke as FUCK). I texted back that I would eat at home and just go to their house after.

     That didn’t work she said that she would just order pizza. That’s cool I thought , then she texted another friend to take soda and chips, in the group chat! Like you could have done that in a personal text. But whay have me see? (WHAT THE FUCK). So, am I just supposed to go empty-handed? That makes me feel so bad and I don’t even know why. How can I just go and act jolly and laugh at everythig and have fun when everything is not fun. I’m panicking I’m breathing hard and fast, I’m sweaty an its thirty-four degrees outside.

     Last week I canceled, this week I’m not even going to show up? I don’t even know what I’m doing. They are my friends, right? Why am I running away from them? Why am I putting up walls? Why can’t I be real with them?  I just cant do it.

     So I’m just going to sit here all night and watch them blow up my phone wih “where are you?” texts. No, I wont answer, because even if I tried I don’t know what I would say. I’ll jus keep watching Netflix because that’s the only thing I am good at. I’m so socially awkward. I can’t have have a normal oversation , let alone some friends? Whats up with that? Ugh.

2/24/2017

Doctor Doctor Give Me The News!

I have some news for you Journal,

     Yesterday was my first visit to the Doctor in more than thirteen years and I have to say it was well over interesting. The woman who checked for my appointment and gave me a pamphlet was super nice. People that usually work customer service and its after three PM can tend to be rude from my experience but she was just full of sunshine.

     My Doctor is Chinese I think (don’t judge me). His accent was really thick and sometimes I didn’t really understand what he was saying so i just nodded. When I did feel what he was saying was important (which should have been every word) I would ask him to repeat himself. He was nice too, until he told me that I’m mildly obese. (I was like Bitch where).

     He said it continuously. I lost track of how many times he said it. I have to lose forty pounds according to him. I mean he did have a point. I do feel a little chunky. Although I wouldn’t consider myself fat, I could be better off with less weight. He just told me to exercise more often. I have been meaning to get back to my running days but It’s. So. Hard, (Netflix is always calling my name).

     He also checked a ball I have underneath the arch of my foot. It’s not painful it just sometimes feels slightly uncomfortable. I have had it for some years now, which I know sounds terrible because it could actually be something dangerous which a doctor should have seen since the beginning but I haven’t had health care until now. That’s really a sucky excuse really because health is really important but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

     Other than that nothing really nothing  has happened, oh wait. I went to my car insurance to see if they could drop the bill a little and they said no. I have so many discounts its amazing how I am paying anything at all. But, the good thing is they said maybe if I fiance my car through them and instead of where I bought it from they could reduce the monthly payments. I said hell yeah, so they did the application for the bank and we awaited a response. I got a call this morning saying that I was actually approved so tomorrow I’m going to see what kind of deal they have to offer me.

     Also, Journal, something that I have forgotten to mention is that my friends rescheduled the “friends fun night” that I canceled on last Friday. So I have that to look forward to. *Rolls eyes* Technically I shouldn’t despise them for not being there for me when I didn’t tell them that my life was falling to pieces and every day i woke up I felt like death itself. But come on! That’s like a basic Friendship Instinct! But, we’ll see what they have to say for themselves tomorrow.

2/23/2017

It’s Just A Dream

So Journal, 

      It’s is official. I am part of a company now. Not any important or valued position of course, (mind you it’s just a warehouse). With a salary that’s close to minimum wage I won’t get any where in life, but it’s what I get for not going to college (or better said, dropping out. Or better better said, not continuing my education. That sounds less pain ful to hear). 


     Any way, the point is I have a secure job (for now) that has good benefits and nice pay. The orientation was good, not boring at all (no sarcasm intended). They provided food and drinks and a lunch so I felt really welcome. Now I’m officially an Inventory Associate. 

     But, that’s not what I really want to be doing with my life. I have always loved reading books. I love how words can transport your mind somewhere else meanwhile your body is still fixed to the real world. I love the stories and the descriptions of the writers. It’s like my own little movie in my head. The script is laid out and I’m directing it my in mind. 

     So, basically what I want to be doing (if some how I become rich) is an author. I want to write books. I want to tell stories. I want people to feel the words I place on paper and to imagine what I was painting for them. I want to touch hearts and also make people think and wonder. I want people to be hooked on what they are reading. To pick up one of my books and not be able to put it down. To write something different something unique

     I understand that it takes a lot of education to become a well enough writer. Which makes my dream really far and distant. I obviously don’t have any money to get the education I need to have “superior language skills” to be a writer. I have so many ideas I have so many stories ready to be spread amongst thousands and thousands of pieces of paper. I just don’t know how to get started. How do you make a dream into a reality , when it’s just a dream? 

     Every single book I have read it mentions how the author came from this or that university and has a masters in this and that. Never have I ever read a book from someone that just graduated high school and had a New York Times best seller. Though, maybe I can be the first one? That would be a stretch! (A very powerful, long, elástic, rubberband kind of stretch). 

     Either way I shall keep the dream alive and keep Journaling, It’s a nice vent and I love writing. 

2/21/2017

Donnie Downer

So Journal,

Right after the Wallflower post, I got a call from a friend I have been ignoring because she is so happy about life and I honesty can’t stand that, (because obviously I hate life and black is my favorite color and I wake up to My Chemical Romance every day). -Not true-

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I told her everything I have been going through and she really did understand because she has kind of a similar back story that I do, that’s why we have maintained our friendship for so long. She basically told me to stop being a Donnie Downer (AKA the male version of Debbie Downer. She’s not wrong, I have been focusing on everything that is going bad in my life and that’s really not mentally healthy.

After telling me that I should be less bitchy about life in a nice way she really did help me feel better. The day after, (Friday) I was supposed to go to other friends house. I hadn’t seen these friends since Christmas because of their schedules. But it was raining so hard that I decided to call that off and just stay home in case, you know, we flooded and died. I’m scared to see them since we have grown apart since I quit my last job where I met them both. They still work there but I couldn’t stand it there so I quit.

Anyway, Saturday was fun! I got an oil change for my car and also went out to eat with the family at this cool taco place in Riverside call Tio’s Tacos. It’s a cool place with great food. The environment is really friendly and the way they used trash to make everything is really creative (the art not the food, yaa nasty). Sure, some of the things are freaky and border line creepy (like the dolls and stuffed animals hanging from the trees), but that’s what makes it unique and I just love that.

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I passed this place more than a couple of times until one friend took me there after her jury duty. It was nice, at the end of summer so super romantic. This time it was really peaceful and my mother really enjoyed it. My brother was the one that wanted to go to this other place closer to home because the “tacos are bigger there.” Which in his defense yes they probably are but I wanted a torta.

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Then we went widow shopping and another friend texted me to  hang out, (I know it sounds like I have a lot of friends but it’s just like two or four of them I swear and basically I only see them once a moth so calm down, I’m not a friend whore).

We ended up eating a full box of pop corn while watching Keeping Up With the JonesesIt’s a pretty funny movie. Really generic and cliché though. New neighbors move in, the most normal and boring neighbors are suspicious of them. Which later gets them in trouble by finding out their new neighbors are actually spies and they get involved in the mission.

Now, as the weekend is coming to an end I feel that it was a nice weekend. No one died, (yet). We have food in our fridge for now and a roof over our heads so I should be grateful for that. I appreciate what I have and I am thankful. Thank you God. (Or universe, higher power, faith and hope, or anything that was involved).

Tomorrow (after seven months) the company that I work for will finally hire me. So I will no longer be a temp, I will be a real associate. I will finally feel like I actually work there. Not to mention the ten-cent raise, yay. *Throws confetti in the air* I’ll let you know how it goes Journal, for now before I sleep I shall watch a couple of episodes of New Girl to cheer me up. She is my soul mate!

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2/19/2017

Call Me The “Professional Wallflower”

Dear Journal,

So, I was thinking (which is never a good idea, for anyone) that I think I my have social anxiety. Like any other normal person the first thing I did after my self diagnose was go straight to the internet. I googled social anxiety. I do relate to many of the things that describe the “social phobia.” Yes, I do have problems starting and holding a conversation with a human being, (I conversate better with animals, they understand me).

It’s more than just not being able to speak to people. When I’m out or even at work I hate when people look at me. Not sure what that’s all about, but I feel that it should be included if were talking about this subject. Also, not to mention that if there are more than four people in a conservation that I should be part of, I am not. I tend to blend in the background and slowly fade away with the color of the paint on he wall, (I should be a spy). Call me the Professional Wallflower. 

This is where it gets dark, FYI Journal. Most of the time I hate being around people. The bad thing is that they are my friends. Yes I will admit, that, I have canceled on my friends many many times. I have also been guilty as to not reply to their text messages sometimes to not engage in a conversation…over the phone. How pathetic is that? I love my friends, don’t get me wrong, I’m just scared of what I’ll say. I hate being quiet so my brain is always thinking of the next thing I’m going to say or what the next topic is going to be about, that at the end of the night all I would said is, “this pizza is good.”

I don’ know why I feel this way. I think it has to do with my life. I haven’t had one of the luckiest of lifes out there but it’s not that terrible. A lot of lows and one or two highs is a better way of describing it. There’s a lyric from a song by Twenty One Pilots that goes;

“While you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I
Who have a really tough time getting through this life
So excuse us while we sing to the sky”

 

I LIVE by these lyrics so much. Sometimes I hear people say “I was once shy, now I’m crazier and louder  than my mother,” or “I used to be bullied for being a wimp and not having friends, now I’m the life if the party.” And I think to myself, how did they do it? Did they go to a special seminar? Did they read a motivational book? Hypnosis? Therapy? Aliens? Drugs? I have no clue but I know I would do anything to be more outgoing. To hold at least a two-minute conversation before getting all red flushed in the face and slowly awkwardly walking away and waving bye like a fifth grader, I’m twenty-two for crying out loud (in the corner!)

Well that’s all I had to say Journal. Excuse me while I go ignore some text messages and binge on some hours on Netflix without any social interaction or human contact and bury my feelings deep deep deep down inside.

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2/15/2017

 

A Cold Shoulder & A Bye Bitch 

Dear Journal,

     I’m in a conundrum. I don’t have many friends (obviously), but the few that I do have I always seem to be pushing away. Now, I logically thinking, believe that if I push them away it’s their responsibility as friends to resist that and try hard to mend the binds between us. 

     But, of course that’s not what actually happens. I push them away and just when I think that they will come back with, “no, we’re your friends and we are here for you even if you don’t want us to be.” That’s not what happens. Instead I get a cold shoulder and a “bye bitch.” 

     Maybe it’s the way I push them away? I don’t know, but sometimes I feel like they can’t help. There are so many things going on in my life that suck so hard (in a bad way). I should start off with explaining to them what’s going on, but as soon as the thought comes to my head another thought pops up and devours the last one. Which is, what good is it for me to let out my worries if they can’t be fixed? 

     Aren’t I a saint? (Ha). I don’t want to worry people with my problems that I keep them to myself instead of letting everyone know. I don’t want they’re pity, I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. Yes Journal , I know I sound really proud of myself but it’s only because everyone else has they’re own problems why should I join my dark clouds with theirs? That’s like a super mega fucked up storm. Humanity is already in a shit hole, we don’t need more shit, (or holes). 

     Anyway, one of my friends texted me saying she wanted to hang out which is cool. I do too. I don’t have any money (not even for McDonald’s). So going out is not an option. But going to her house and playing video games with some friends, provided some one brings food, I guess I could go. So I agreed. I don’t feel like being around people but I’ll let you know how it goes Journal. 
2/11/2017

“Hike”

Dear Journal, 

     I’m writing to you from my phone today because my brother conveniently decided that he needed to use my laptop for his homework. And I, one of the best brothers ever to roam the land let him use it, (after ten minutes of bickering). I don’t use it that often so it’s ok, it’s also a plus that he doesn’t hog it either. 

     Anyway, on to what I was going to say, which was? Right, well it’s Tuesday and since the horrid thing that we call “Monday” has past I feel well enough to talk about the weekend. Which was not that bad for my type of weekend (I usually have really boring weekends, life, etc). 


    After watching some seasons (yes seasons) of Glee, my mom asked if I wanted to go walk, “hike” you could say (technically because it’s an inclined walk up a hill). I agreed and we went off on our way. We went to Mount Rubidoux in Riverside. It’s like twenty five minutes away from our house so it’s not that far. It’s not my favorite place to hike since again, it’s not an actual hike but it has a good view. 



     And since we are fat asses we had to get corn on the cob from some guy selling some at a near by park. Yes we got all kinds of stares. (I mean who goes out for a walk and gets junk food?) We might as well have taken soda for hydration and Icecream to cool off at the top. In my defense we did finish it at the bottom (I don’t know how that is a defense but there you go). 

     

     The trails are nice. There is a steep way, which will get you to the top faster. There is also a more less inclined way, which will obviously take you a bit longer but will not tire you as much. You think that after eating a greased up, moyo dripping, cheese drenched corn on the cob we would feel guilty enough to go the steepest way and burn those calories we had just consumed right? Well your wrong Journal. You see, we were tired from the consumption of that corn (I don’t know how) that we thought we would rest our selfs by taking it easy. 


     The view was of course priceless. That’s basically why anyone ever goes up there. There is only one or two people actually running up and down the mountain actually excersing everyone else is just taking pictures. (Welcome to America). We sat up there for a total of fifteen minutes and saw half the sunset until unfortualy the smog covered the view then we headed down. Over all it was actually kind of relaxing, I’m up for making that a weekly thing. (No promises though). 

Over all it was a nice little humble weekend fun. (My calfs and feet died several times though). 

Panoramic View of the Top of Mount Rubidoux



2/7/2017
     

Being An Adult

Dear Journal,

     It has been a rough week. Every single morning I wake up and it’s the same thing, I wish death upon me. I don’t know what it is. I wake up feeling so bad about life. All I want to do is stay in bed all day. I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything. I’m surprised I even make it out of bed.

     The bright side to this (if there is any), is that when I do get up, and a couple or so hours go on during the day I start to feel better. I know, “well then you’re not a morning person.” Well yes, maybe, that could be true but it’s not. See, journal, when I was younger and I didn’t have the knowledge that the world was so fucked up I was happy. Ignorance is bliss.

It sounds like a dumb phrase but its the most truthful thing I have ever come to experience. The definition of ignorance is “lack of knowledge or information”. In other words. What you don’t know wont hurt you, because technically if you don’t know what’s hurting you you’re not getting hurt. (What an explanation ).

     For example, when we are young, we have no clue how the world actually works. That’s the lack of knowledge, correct? Where is the bliss part? In the not knowing. We don’t worry about bills, or car payments, debt, or financial problems because we don’t even know they exist yet. That’s why kids are always so freaking happy! They aint got no bills yo!

     Anyway, I had a point but I lost it. I hate being an adult, maybe that’s the point. We are all so caught up in growing up so fast because we want to be free but in reality, we are all slaves. Slaves to our jobs, slaves to our rent or mortgage, to pills, to anything you have to give money to. The world is not like it once was where I give you an apple and you give me half a cup of milk. Now its all about money. I’m tired of being an adult, if this is what “being an adult” feels like I don’t think I want to be one any more. I’m going to stop here Journal because if I keep blabbering about how much adulthood sucks I might not stop.

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2/2/2017