I’m in a conundrum. I don’t have many friends (obviously), but the few that I do have I always seem to be pushing away. Now, I logically thinking, believe that if I push them away it’s their responsibility as friends to resist that and try hard to mend the binds between us.
But, of course that’s not what actually happens. I push them away and just when I think that they will come back with, “no, we’re your friends and we are here for you even if you don’t want us to be.” That’s not what happens. Instead I get a cold shoulder and a “bye bitch.”
Maybe it’s the way I push them away? I don’t know, but sometimes I feel like they can’t help. There are so many things going on in my life that suck so hard (in a bad way). I should start off with explaining to them what’s going on, but as soon as the thought comes to my head another thought pops up and devours the last one. Which is, what good is it for me to let out my worries if they can’t be fixed?
Aren’t I a saint? (Ha). I don’t want to worry people with my problems that I keep them to myself instead of letting everyone know. I don’t want they’re pity, I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. Yes Journal , I know I sound really proud of myself but it’s only because everyone else has they’re own problems why should I join my dark clouds with theirs? That’s like a super mega fucked up storm. Humanity is already in a shit hole, we don’t need more shit, (or holes).
Anyway, one of my friends texted me saying she wanted to hang out which is cool. I do too. I don’t have any money (not even for McDonald’s). So going out is not an option. But going to her house and playing video games with some friends, provided some one brings food, I guess I could go. So I agreed. I don’t feel like being around people but I’ll let you know how it goes Journal.