I Don’t Dance, I Read Books 

Ok Journal, 

 

         It’s currently 8:46 PM and I have just came back form the party I should have not gone to. Let me give you the run down of everything that happened just so you don’t think I’m crazy or exaggerating. 

          Everyone knows I’m the least social person in the world, and when I say everyone, I mean everyone. So during the course of the day I was debating if I would go to the party or not. One of my friends was going to go so I had him to hide behind and not look so bad. He said he was actually going to a prom he was invited to and he couldn’t turn it down because he had a ticket and the ticket “is like worth a hundred dollars or whatever.” Oh. Well then I guess our friendship is worth nothing? 

          This made my decision perfectly clear. I would not go to he party. Even though it was going to be exactly next door. I wouldn’t know anyone and I would stand in the corner looking like an asshole for not socializing. So I comfortably got in bed and put on Netflix and decided to give Stranger Things a try. I swear the second I was done with the first episode my mom said there was someone at the door. 

         At 5:19 PM my friends brother (the one that decided to end our friendship by going to a prom) had come to drag me to the party. He said he was alone and he knew me so he wanted me to go because that would make him feel less, well, alone. I hesitated but ultimately my big heart made me give in and I told him I would change. 

         So at 5:31 PM we started walking next door. I hadn’t noticed all the cars parked on the street until I went outside. I had my TV on blast. We got there and the host (our neighbor) told me that she told George to come and get me so he wouldn’t be alone yet she wanted us to meet knew people. I nodded and went and sat at the nearest corner that had not been taken. There wasn’t that many people which was good. But later more started arriving.  

         Around 5:50 PM the first game started. An Oreo cookie was placed on your forehead and you had to get it to your mouth by just moving the muscles on your face. Unwilling I was paired up with George (my friends brother), Devani (the hostess doughter) and some other guy I didn’t catch his name. We won which was ok not bad. Winning is cool. Maybe Poole will talk to me now. No. 

         We ended playing musical chairs around 6:30 PM I had lost around the sixth chair. After that we played a game that you had to pop a ballon. Of course with my luck I sat on the darn thing three times before it actually decided it was its time to go.  

         After that the dancing started. This is were the night went to shit. I do not dance, wait let me refriase that, I DO NOT DANCE. The host kept bugging and bugging me to dance. But I had to stand guard and take care of the wall. Protecting it was now my life mission and no one was going to get between me and my wall. I awkwardly stood there for more than an hour while everyone danced. 

          In my head I was thinking the worst. Or more better said, hoping that the worst would happen. Well actually, even better said that the best could happen. I thought, maybe the mikes will blow and the party will end. Maybe someone will drop juice or something on the DJs computer. Maybe the roof will collapse and kill us all. Really anything that would make this party stop. But luck was not on my side and it didn’t. So I just continued standing there defending the wall against nothing. No one protected that wall better than me. It had become my new best friend  . 

          I decided to leave. And George wanted to leave too. I showed him my new fish since he was the one who gave me half of them. He said they are doing fine. He left and I stayed at my house. And now the walls are protecting me from those peoples laughs and bickering. Saying things like “OMG so weird” and “why doesn’t he talk to someone” or “he shouldn’t have even came.” That last one is true. 

          I should have not gone . Why did I go? Out of the goodness of my heart? Why did I have to be this kind? And most of all bitch, why didn’t you come and talk to me if you were that interested in my shit? LOL sorry. 

         Now I’m going to have to deal with those annoying conversations. “Hey I saw you at the party and you didn’t even dance!” No way you piece of shit! You could have fucken said hello! Any ways I hate party’s. I don’t do party’s. My types of parts are no more han three people watching a movie calmly eating chips or popcorn, and forth person would make that party extreme. Again I don’t dance, I read books. Sometimes I wish I was a snail. Or some kind of animal I could curl myself up and hide away from this world. But my bed and my covers will suffice for now . 

4/29/2017

Fun Friday

Dear Journal,

          Today was actually looking like it was going to be a good day. Yes, I was almost late to work but I think I have made that a habit. There was a car crash near, well actually right on the corner of work, that made me a little later than I usually am. Once I was inside and we were all hearing the numbers of the work day, we started Fun Friday. Fun Friday is basically a raffle that the company does every Friday if you wear what that that Fun Friday theme is. Fro example, crazy hair day, or mismatch shoes, etc. If you participate you get a ticket. If you win then you receive two movie tickets.

          I had lucky number thirteen at the end of my numbers on my raffle ticket. (There was no theme this week so they just gave a ticket to everyone). There was a split second where I didn’t believe it. Me? Win something? I had to recheck the numbers to see if I was correct, and yes I was! I raised my hand before they would move on and pick a different number. So there, I won movie tickets. It’s the second time I win, granted it has been about seven months though.

          Just when I was on my high, you know being Friday and actually winning at something, I was called to the office because HR had an envelope for me. When I revived it the person who handed it to me said just to bring back the information needed. I was too nervous to open it there so i opened it in the break room. Thank God there was none in there, because what I think was a gasp might have sounded like my soul was leaving my body. I somehow knew what was in the envelope. Nothing good, its always nothing good.

          It stated that I had until June eleventh to turn in a document that states that I am in this country legally. I’ve been in this country since I was less than a year old, I have no recognition of being in any other country. America is all I know. And excuse me, but I probably act more American than most Americans. Yet all my life I have struggled with this legal and illegal stuff. Of course, all I have to do is renew my work permit, which I did. Now I’m just waiting for. Hopefully it comes in time.

          I don’t  really know why this letter got me down so much. I was suddenly thinking how no one else has to go through this. It’s sometimes embarrassing when they run my Social and ask if everything is good and i have to pull out my work permit so they don’t think I’m some kind of criminal. On the other hand, I should be thankful. Which i am to a curtain point. A lot of people really don’t have any other options but I at least have this one, yet I think what will happen when it all ends and I wont be able to renew anything? I can go back to a country that, sadly I was born in but yet know nothing about. That’s the way life is right? Unfair? Injustice? Illogical? Just like our government.

          Anyhow, in the back of my mind I can’t stop thinking about tomorrows party. I know, me go to a party? Well, I just might. I was invited to a party. Some girl from our church that lives literally twenty feet from us. If it was any other person then of course my answer would have been yes, and I would have not shown up. But she happens to live right in front of us so there is no way out of this one. I mean I could just die, but I don’t see how that would solve anything, or would? My brain has been debating all day if I should go or not. I have no clue what I will do.

          So has today turned out to be a Fun Friday?  Initially yes, ultimately no.

 

4/28/2017

Why?

Dear Journal, 

          I am, in yet, another conundrum. But as I lay here in bed writing this, I wonder, is it of my own doing? Or am I one of those people that has such a big heart that can only find blame in ones self and not others? Would a person with a big heart say that? 

          Why do I say this? Well, one of my friends sent me a Snapchat the other day. I ignored it because I just couldn’t face to open up a conversation after we hadn’t spoken in months. And also, or should I say mainly? I was some what mad. Maybe a little irritated that this person would try to start a conversation after this long, by means of a social media. Why not text and say hey, I miss you how you been? Or possibly I was wondering how your doing. A freaking call would have been nice! But no, there was no call, no text, just a simple picture that erased after four seconds never to see the light of day again. So, of course, I did not respond. 

           Today she sent a video. You you think it was heart warming? Maybe some words of motivation? No. I noticed that at the same time I got the snap she and her husband were out and about with they’re dog and she put it on her “story”. Must have been a video about that. I did not open it and I have yet to. I don’t want to. Right now I’m in a shitty place in my life that I can barley bare day by day. And you have the audacity to send me cute snaps and videos of you having the time of your life? Excuse me but, what the fuck? That’s not what you do to a friend. Oh your sad? Oh, life isn’t treating you well? That’s to bad, but look at my cute dog playing in the sand on the beach by the hotel we booked for the weekend because we just had extra money around and we didn’t know what else to do with it. Ok maybe that’s an extreme exaggeration, but that’s what I feel. Unfortunately that’s how my brain is wired to think. 

          Then on the whole other side of the coin I blame myself fully. I don’t diserve friends like that. I know that they care. They are the best, they are good.  I stood them up because I didn’t have enough money to buy chips and didn’t have the balls to tell them. (Then again, anxiety). Every time they reached out I pushed hem away. (Then again, they didn’t actually try). 

          We all may have a little to do in all this but deep down I just have so many things to yell at them. I just need to get it all out of my system. To ask them questions. Beg them for explanations. 

          Why didn’t you notice I was falling apart? Why didn’t you see how much I was struggling? Didn’t you see how my smiles turned into frowns? Why didn’t you notice how unhappy I was feeling? Why didn’t you sympathize when I said things weren’t going so good? Why didn’t you ask if everything was actually ok when I said it was? Why did you wave evey forced smile when you knew there was more behind it? Why didn’t you care? Why didn’t you try harder? Why did you stop trying? 

Why?


4/25/2017

When I Stop Trying We Start Dying

Dear Journal, 

         I was thinking yesterday about my relationships. More specifically, the relationships that have to do with love and friendships. In these two fields I have past experience in. Not a lot but enough to talk about. These experiences should not be taken by the book since I am in fact alone

          So, then why was I thinking about them? Well, there is this thing called Snapchat, and the friend I have left and I have been communicating through it everyday, because you get a streak. Which is obviously the only reason we use it. I noticed though that I am always starting the conversation. I am always the one who sends the first message, or snap. 

          Yesterday, I was somewhat busy and decided that I would let him start the convo. We usually start talking when I send the first snap, which is usually around six AM. This time it was differant. It was near noon and still no sign that he was alive . No sign that he was ever going to start the interaction of words. So I, not wanting to lose the streak we have (which is at 53 days thank you), finally decided to send a good morning snap. I did not get any other response than “gm”. Until later in the day he told me what college he had finally chosen. 

          This had me thinking. Thinking about how hard I have to work for this friendship to work, let alone last. This threw me back in time to 2011. I was dating this girl. She was sixteen and I was seventeen. I liked her, didn’t know she liked me kind of senerio. I told her the same day I was moving away, two hours away, that I liked her which made her give her confession of also liking me. Very movie like kind of thing I now. Very romantic. Boy moves back and gets the girl. 

          FYI the guy didn’t get the girl in this one. We started long distance dating and we would visit each other from time to time. The whole relationship lasted a good six months. Until, well, until I stopped trying. I noticed she would only reply with one word answers. When we talked on the phone I was almost always talking. I wanted her to speak as well so I would ask questions but they seemed to get me no where. So I ended things. You think that she would cry or try to reason that what we had could be saved but no, she simply said okay. And we remained friends. Really far friends, that only speak every once in a year. 

          The same thing happened when I started dating other people. I would notice that I would be putting so much more in the relationship that I would just stop caring. I felt so used. Not only would I give my all, I would spend my money, time, and energy in those relationships. Just to get “okays” and “yeahs”. I don’t think so. Anyone who replies like they should just burn in hell because it affects a person who over analyzes too much, like yours truly. 

          Same thing with friendships. It seems that when I stop trying we start dying. Makes me wonder. Am I really that annoying? Am I annoying at all? Do I do things that bug people? Am I boring? Or possibly irritating? 

          So basically, what I want to be understood is that I’m done trying. It’s taking to much of me to keep up with all these relationships. I have to keep it together like glue on building blocks. It’s eating at me. 

          And it sucks because every time I’m sinking in the black hole of anxiety it feels like no one cares and they don’t mind that I am no longer around. Makes me think that they never actually wanted me around. That I was just there to fill the emptiness for the mean time. It’s cruel. I need some one to try for me. To care for me. I need someone to work as hard as I will in a relationship. To give it their all just as I will. To not give up when I start drifting away. To do  something if they see that I am falling and sinking back in that black hole. Someone, just someone who cares, someone who cares enough to try



4/22/2017

You Wait For The Perfect Outcome, But We Don’t Live In A Perfect World 

Dear Journal, 

          I had planned on going to work early today, so therefore I woke up an hour early. My alarm went off so many times that I decided to turn it off. Big mistake. I woke up with just twenty minutes left, unrealistically I thought if I hurried I would still make it in time. I got everything ready and as I was about to walk out the door I saw the clock. It takes me about thirteen to fourteen mitintes to get to work. Seeing that I only had ten, and I have yet to master freezing time, I decided just to go in at my regular time. 

          So instead here I am, writing to you. Nothing but my thoughts today. One good thing, that might just be general news, is that we have a fish tank. (And fish, of course). They are mainly mollies and guppies. Small fish. It’s a ten gallon fish tank so we can’t have any fish that will grow because eventually they will die. They aren’t that bad. The males are brighter and more colorful but can’t have more males than females because just like humans, they tire out the females. 

          Other than that I have lost a couple of pounds. I notice that my shirts aren’t that tight anymore. I can button my pants without have to suck it in. And I notice when I sit down I don’t have that much of a gut. I haven’t weighed myself yet. I think I’m scared. Scared that the scale will tell me what I feel is a lie. But I know I have to, eventually. Still my diet and fitness continue. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good about my body.

          I haven’t heard anything from my old friends. Wow, “old”, as in the past. That’s really sad. It’s crazy how you can spend so much time with people and then after a couple of months you don’t know who they are anymore. Really sad. Well they’re missing out. 

          My moms surgery is set to be in early May. I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Sure you wait for the perfect outcome but we don’t live in a perfect world. Still you have to hope. Hope. Sometimes I hate that word. Sometimes it’s really beautiful . I suppose it all depends in what state you’re mentally in at the time. 

           I haven’t read any new books yet. I have one on my night stand locked and ready. But I just haven’t had the chance. With working ten hours a day and Netflix being my weakness I just haven’t had enough time. I’m currently viewing about five shows which I said I would never do because I wouldn’t remember any of their plots or characters, but remember, not a perfect world. 

          Anyway, this was relaxing. I’ll smother some peanut butter on bread and eat that with my tea and go to work. Like any normal day. No one will know I intended to go earlier but it didn’t work out. That’s just life, we plan things so far ahead, and then find out that that’s not actually what is in store for us. 

4/20/2017

This Is Anxiety

Dear Journal,

          Have you ever been in a swimming pool? Of course you haven’t your a journal. But you, reader, have you? Have you ever been in a pool, at the deepest end, drifting to the bottom? Your lungs filling with water as you grasp the air above trying to climb out. Your hands grab at nothing, yet you think by moving more viciously you will be able to escape. You don’t. You can’t breathe but yet your still alive, you see everything clearly, and somehow in the back of your head you wish you didn’t. This is anxiety.  

          Have you ever had to speak in front of an audience? A large audience? Imagine feeling that ten times magnified, but you’re only speaking to one or two people. In your mind you’re wondering what your going to say. What if they dislike your comment? What if you don’t say enough? How will they treat you then?  Your eyes start to wonder around the room trying to distract your thoughts while they’re conversation  continues.  Have they noticed that you haven’t spoken? Your chest gets tight and the room starts to feel crowded. You wish you had never entered into that room. You wish you had never gone to that place. All you want is to be alone and leave that awkward and painful situation. This is anxiety. 

          Have you ever ever been invited to a party or a getogether? After the seventh time you get asked you are forced to go. You get there late. You stand alone, maybe pick a corner. As it gets more and more crowded you get more and more nervous. Who do you talk to? You don’t know anyone. You knew you shouldn’t have come. You promise yourself you’re never going to a party again. You blame the person who took you. Why did they leave you alone? Are they not a good enough friend? If you leave what will people say? But what are they saying now? Weirdo, creep, awkward, nerd, wallflower, dork, even jerk. You feel someone punch your chest yet you breathe like you just ran a 5k, but no one is at arms length near you. You run for the closest  exit. This is anxiety. 

           Even though these things happened weeks ago your mind flashes back and forth. What could you have done better? What am I going to say when I come across someone from the party? Or the person I awkwardly walked away from? What if they ask me to go again? How will I say no? Why do I feel like this? All of a sudden in bed you start breathing fast, you sit up, but way too fast because you get dizzy. Your muscles are sore but you have not done anything, maybe it’s the lack of sleep? Your brain won’t shut off. You feel restless and fatigued. You try to concentrate on one thing but you can’t, your mind is going around in circles, you can’t keep up. How do you go on in life? This is anxiety.


4/12/2017

New Hobbies 

Dear Journal, 

         This weekend by far has been one of the best weekends I have had in a while. It went by so fast I didn’t have enough time to blink. Now, usually that would bug me because I am a home body. I like to be alone, with my snacks, Netflix , snuggled up in bed. But this weekend was anything but that. 

          First, one Saturday, I woke up super early to go to work. Yes, work. I didn’t mind. I woke up really refreshed, no joke. They had donuts and later on pizza for everyone that had gone, as a thank you. It took so much of me to say no to both. (P.s. I’m on a healthy diet now, and I’m a full on  runner and health nerd). My coworkers ate and ate while I ate my grapes. 

         After work I came home and took a nap. It was maybe less than half an hour but it helped. I had planned to start a garden so I headed over to the Home Depot. Bought some soil and also plants. Tomato, strawberry, cantaloupe, and watermelon. I want to plant more but we’ll see. From there I went hiking and I gave it my all! I went up and did two loops around the top, or was it three? I’m not sure, I just felt energized after. My feet hurt but in the good way, you know? 

         The next day (Sunday), I woke up with a mission. I prepared the ground where my garden was going to be so in the afternoon I could plant my new babies. It took me an hour to fix everything up but I was well over satisfied. After that I ate breakfast and went on my way to Petco. My friends brother gave me a fish tank so I had to get the filter and other necessities that go along so he could also give me some fish he doesn’t want, (he’s building a pond at his house so he’s giving away his smaller fish). 

          When I was done installing everything in the tank I turned it on and the sound it made was just lovely. Like a mini waterfall. Reminds of my childhood for a sec. I had a fish tank grouping up. 

          Once the sun had come down enough for me to plant my new friends I went outside and got the soil and the plants ready. They went in with no problem. They looked cute together in the ground. They had their own respective places good enough for their nutrients and space. I’m excited about them. Can you tel!? 

          Now at the end of my Sunday it all seems sour because I have to go back to the work routine. But I’m walking into this week just maybe an ounce happier than I’ve been the last couple of weeks. But hopefully my new found hobbies (running, planting, and fish?) keep my mind busy and bring me some kind of light to my life.

4/9/2017

Almost Magical

Dear Journal,
 

          Today I woke up just minutes before my alarm clock sounded. It’s was almost magical. I woke up, turned it off before it had the chance to ring, then got dressed. I made my tea with ginger and got ready for work. I was a little early but that was a good thing. There was almost no traffic, which is weird for a Friday, but I can’t complain. Once I came to work everyone greeted me with warm smiles. You could tell on their faces that they were happy the weekend was here.

           Work was rather fast pace. I was surprised it was going that smoothly. I was off and out the door in time. The sun was hitting in a way that made everything look beautiful. Spring. The car ride home was warm and full of music from my favorite playlist. I got home and my mom had made a nice dish which still makes my mouth water at the thought. I read a little before taking a quick shower. Got settled in bed and fell asleep.

          Of course, all this sounds way too good to be true. That’s because it is. None of these things actually happened. But I wish it were like that. I think we all wish it was like that. We all wish to wake up and have a good day, or maybe hope it will be good.

          What actually happened? Yes I woke up, obviously, but not before my alarm clock. It rang and my ears almost bled. I laid there wanting to go back to sleep but also  knowing that I had an obligation. An obligation I wish I didn’t have. After loosing all that time I had almost no time to get ready. Got in my car and had only about less than fifteens to get to work. I made it. One minute late, which will cost me .25 of a point. Great. No one said hi, or seemed to notice my presence.

          After I settled into work, it was hectic. Not over the top crazy, but enough to not want to be there. Someone at work asked if I was tired, I asked them why? They answered, “your face looks tired.” Well  thanks, that’s really motivating.  Went home thirty minutes after i was supposed to and showered. It was nice to see my mom. After the shower I went for a run, don’t know how long but my muscles are sore so must have been a while. Now I shall sleep, I agreed to work at four AM because who needs a social life right?
 

4/7/2017

 

Monsters 

I’m sorry Journal,  

      I have been neglecting you. I want to give you an excuse and say I have been too busy, and even though that’s almost true, I really just have been putting you off. It’s really hard to be focused right now. With all my moms appointments and medical things to get ready for the surgery, from my documents on my immigration, and not to mention work. 

      First, my mom is trying to switch to a surgen she was referred to. She didn’t like the one she got. But the one that she got assigned to is the only one the insurance will cover. So now we have to go insurance hunting to see which one will cover the surgen she wants. 

       Today I went to get my fingerprints taken. No haven’t killed anyone (yet) but I guess it’s always safe to check. Everything with that went really smoothly. Fast and swell. Hopefully my work permit also comes in that fast. 

       As for work. Well there is not much I can say. There hasn’t been any new info. Although these past weeks I have been working a little over forty hours which I want to use as an excuse to say I’m tired. Today my boss mention to me before I left that, the company wants us to go in on saturdays. Yay for inventory. But I shouldn’t be sour about it. I do need the money. More than I would like to admit.  

        I hate money. I hate how it uses people. I hate how people use it. I hate how it turns people into monsters. This world is help up on money. Sad. That’s a topic for another day though. 

       Anyway, that’s pretty much it. I’ve been reading a lot of books lately, maybe I’ll get a chance to talk about them.

 

4/6/2017