Yesterday I was surprised with a text from a person I hadn’t talked to in a while. It was nice. I really wasn’t expecting it. We had a fall out, mainly my fault, I believe. But it was nice of her that she reached out.
So now tomorrow we are going to go for a walk at a near by park or catch up. I’m glad she suggested a walk and not a dinner or lunch date, since money is always an issue with me. A walk in the park never costs money.
I don’t really know how much I’ll tell her. If I’ll tell her everything or just bits and pieces. It all depends on how I feel the environment around us. I wish I could just open up and explain why I have been so distant but that’s just not who I am.
In other news, my mom finally got approved for her medical. That is like a mega super weight off all of our shoulders. We have been fight for a while now and she took the whole morning along with her case worker to figure out what was going on and they finally fixed it. In 48 hours she should be good. Now we just need to wait for an appointment date for the surgery.
Maybe things do work out in the end? But I still think they don’t get better.
I am so stressed. I fear for my future. It’s hard to say what will become of me in the next weeks. I feel like i am going crazy. Multiple times I have found myself zoned out just, thinking.
Questions flood my mind, like, how will we eat? How will we pay our bills? How will we pay the rent? Will we even have a place to live? How will we move on? Can we? Can I?
I can now confirm that my back pain is do to stress. Every time I find myself thinking about things my back turns out to feel worse. I can’t think straight at work . I have been making more and more mistakes as the days go by. I have been known for not making any, now I don’t know how to explain them all. I just can’t focus. Sleep is getting harder to do. I can’t fall asleep easy and when I wake up I lie in bed paralyzed by what I have to get up to. Every day is darker than the past.
I don’t know what else to do to get my mind off all my problems. Reading and watching TV does not help. Listening to music only clouds my thoughts but doesn’t fix them. Expressing my feelings and talking to someone wont help, all they will tell me is to ‘hang in there and wait ’till it gets better.’ But its funny, because I know it wont. It can’t. They don’t know me. They are not in my situation. How can they possibly say that it will get better? How can they possibly know?
I don’t think I have ever been so close to the end of my rope. Or, maybe I have, but this time I feel that I just might let go.
I just wish everything would just stop.
There is a a lot of commotion going around at work today. It mainly had to do with what happened Tuesday.
While we were all on our first break. About six or five cop cars pulled up in the parking lot and arrested Tyler Montejano. He had just come back from two weeks of being absent because “his girlfriend’s father had past away.”
He was best friends with Larry, real name, Lawrence Lamberson. He worked with us and I got to know them pretty well. I knew that they had a passion for weed. Once, Larry was talking about making money from selling some type of acid.
I really never hanged out with them at work unless I had to work along side them. In another ocasión, Tyler had told me that if he had to “sell pot for his kids to get a good education” that’s what he was going to do. I always thought these two were a odd pair, but never did I think that they would be up doing some crazy shit.
Yes, I did over hear them once in a while talk about drugs. Nothing really clear but I could tell that they were in to that sort of thing. That’s why I kept my distance.
What bugs me is that people here at work are going around saying how they were such great people and they were so kind and they didn’t deserve to got to jail. Are you fucking kidding me? I guess they were blind to see the truth.
Tyler was a straight up asshole and Larry had one of the baddest tempers I knew. They were jerks and did the most they could to not do their work. For me they were annoying.
I knew them in a different way then everyone else did. Yes we all worked in the same building but they were in my department.
In the morning other people from my department were saying how unfair this was for him. Um, hello? If you fucking sell drugs and you get caught it’s unfair? No. They were saying how they hoped he would deny everything and just ask for his lawyer. And get released. It’s so stupid. I’m so over it.
I feel bad for the kids but not for Tyler. He should have thought about what he was doing, not for him but for his kids. Now they have to see his father go to jail. It’s sucks, but if you did the crime now you have to do the time.
Why are people so mean? Or is it that I just live in a ghetto city? Where people don’t give a fuck about what they say or what they do? Where they don’t care how they treat people, or let alone, if they hurt them? Where they only think about themselves?
Or maybe I was raised right. I was raised to be respectful. I was raised to be kind and to care about others. To treat others the way you want to be treated. But what if you don’t get that in return? Still, I continue to be nice. Am I too good for this city? Or am I just too humble?
At work there is a wide long cold distance between girls. Some don’t talk to each other because one didn’t say hi to the other for one day. Others because they simply forgot to invited them to a work birthday lunch, then all the sudden they are sworn enemies. All this is so stupid, but why do you girls live like this? It’s almost like they like it. But when they go home do they not feel the pain that the other person must be in? Wondering why they did the things that they did?
Then there are guys who, I don’t know why, but for fun they like to say ‘fuck you’ to each other. THERE IS NO POINT IN THIS. So why do it? Then there is that masculinity bullshit. My dick this my dick that, pussy, pussy, pussy. Who cares? Well, actually, who ever does care is one stupid person with no life goals. There’s more in life than your dick dude.
I just want to meet a genuine kind person. Not someone who at first will seem like a nice lovely rose, but then turn out to have the most vicious and sharpest thorns of them all.
I wish people would be nicer. I wish people would think before they say their hurtful words. I wish people could see how their words can affect people. I wish they could change. But it’s not up to me. That’s the sad part.
Today was truely a hectic day. I wasn’t expecting everything to go the way that it did. In the morning things were looking up. I settled into my bosses chair and took to do the work she usually does. It was nice being in control. People started saying how I was going to take her spot. Which maybe one day I will.
Later in the day I saw for my own eyes why she was always stressed. She has to put up with other departments bugging her for inventory issues. I swear, I couldn’t get started on my own work without being interrupted by other people with negative locations. At first I felt good that I was needed. But then I saw that it was a little overwhelming. I don’t know how she does it. Our inventory manager said I did a good job today which made me feel a little better. Then again I don’t know if she was serious or just being nice.
Monday she won’t be around so that will be another day to show people my skills. And hopefully she’s back on Tuesday. Even though I do like the job, I’m still not getting paid what she is so why should I do it? This chance did provide me with a fifteen minute spotlight so management can see that I am useful.
My work permit has yet to come. It’s really frustrating. It’s stressing me out so much. My back has been aching for more than three weeks now an I think it’s because I’ve been really stressing out. I called to check on my status and they told me it’s still in process. Which technically isn’t bad but I would like it to get here before June and before I get fired and my currant permit expires.
One thing that did surprise me was that an old friend texted me and told me to right her a recommendation letter. I was a manager at a fast food place when I met her. It’s strange how that’s what made her text me. She only needed me to her convienoence. It kind of hurt my feelings but I’ll do the letter anyway. My big heart won’t let me be mean to her. I have to learn to forget and forgive. So much is going on right now that just adding enemies to the list of things isn’t going to help anyone out.
Tomorrow should be a better day. I’m going to start it off with a hike, then I’m going to get an oil change followed by a hair cut. In the afternoon I’m going to see Gardiams of The Galaxy 2. I loved the first one, and even though I’m not as a big fan as my brother is of Marvel, I still loved it. So tomorrow shall be a better day and today shall end soon. But what does the rest of my future have in store for me?