Jenny. This one is for you. I don’t know if you will ever read this, or better said, I don’t know if I ever want you to read it. Maybe you should, because maybe you don’t know how I feel or the things that made me come to the point of what I am feeling today. I have spent months trying to write this letter and weeks editing in and out things that I wanted to say. At the end of it all I just wanted to write everything. I needed to write everything.
When I initially started work at McD’s I honestly didn’t remember you from school. Yes, you did seem very familiar and yes, you were very kind. I was not comfortable yet with my sexually so I had a hard time talking to people. Then that one girl reached out to me first. Nicole. I thought we would be long time best friends but that didn’t go as planned as I started seeing who she really was. Or mainly, I made up what I thought about her through what people said instead of knowing her myself. She’s actually really cool.
After some weeks you and I started talking. But it wasn’t until I started closing and working in afternoon shifts that I started to see what a great person you actually were. I felt light around you. I don’t really know if you understand that. I guess what I mean is that I could open up and all the weight that was on my shoulders would temporarily lift off.
You know, you have that thing about you Jenny. You can talk to anyone and be so friendly and make them smile. That’s one of the things I love about you. You always look at the bright side in the darkest moments. Your smile is always warm, and your eyes shine brighter than the sun. Your personality is beautiful and your humor is one of a kind. When you laughed I always wanted to join in.
You were a great friend Jenny. I would have never gone to college if it wasn’t for you. Thank you for helping me sign up. Even though I only went for a semester it was the best time I had at school. It was the first time since elementary that I had a real friend at school. And I wasn’t scared of who I was going to hang out with. Because you were there. I always looked forward to art class. I awaited every single time we had a chance to hang out before class. You were my ray of sunlight. Do you remember the fun times we had? Eating pizza? Sometimes just ditching school and going to Disneyland?
Oh Disney. It felt like I was a kid again. Never did I think I would go there. But because of you I had the time of my life there. I’ll admit though, you were a bit bossy. Well fuck, I’m telling the whole truth right? You were hella bossy. Sometimes it bugged me. But that’s ok. You knew what you were doing and I didn’t. I followed your lead. It still was the time of my life and I would do it all over again if I could. When can we do it again?
I liked working with you. I like going to school with you. I liked hanging out at your house and playing Wii Party. Remember? Chips, Catfished, and Wii Party. I felt like I was reliving my teen years. How they should have actually gone.
Let me take you back to the nights we closed together. Those nights were crazy. We did the wildest things. We said the craziest shit. Those nights were so stress relieving. I could not have chosen a better person to spend those nights with. Work was hell but working along side with you make it’s so much fun. At times I didn’t even think it was work. It was just me and my friend fucking up McDonald’s. It was fun.
How did things get to this point? This point of us barley speaking to each other? Well, I felt distant. I felt disconnected. And yes I have mainly the blame here, but you could have helped you know. I was waiting for that. But it’s ok.
That day I stood you and Eli up wasn’t because I didn’t want to go. I had hell of an anxiety attack. I was under pressure with everything. My life was rapidly turning upside down. Hell it still is. It’s been flipped over a couple of times and now I’m struggling trying to find the person I used to be. Do you remember?
I’m sorry I have been so distant. I forgot how to be a friend. To be honest I forgot how to be social. I do miss you though. Everything about you. Your laugh, your jokes, your screams, your fights with Hellen. Just being around you. How can we mend this? Every time I want to I always think of the bad things. Why?
I’m trying my hardest to keep my sanity, but with all the things that go on in my life right now it’s really hard. Sometimes I ask myself, how would my life been if I never quit that job? Would we still be friends?
When I text or Snapchat you you always say you love me and that you are here for me. But how?
Maybe I’m being too hard on you, maybe I’m being too hard on me. Life is hard. Life sucks. But I wish you were in it because it would be a lot better.
You bumped into me yesterday, it was nice seeing you. It had been almost seven months since I saw you last. You cried when you hugged me. That made me feel really bad. I wish I was better, I wish o didn’t have problems. I wish I knew how to deal with all this shit. Anything really to make it all better. For you, for Eli, for everyone. Will there ever be a better?