We Will Survive

Sometimes I feel like I'm cursed. Or have bad juju. Or have the worst luck in the world. Or if I get even more creative, which I have, maybe the guy who is in charge of writing my life in the book of life is just screwing with me and likes watching me suffer. Who knows? It's just a series of unfortunate events and they seem to get worse.

Today we went to the oncologist to see what treatment my mother would need. We thought we were finally going to move forward with this. Once we arrived we waiting more than usual and then once in the room we knew why.

They lost the fucking results. Ok let me explain. We have to see three doctors. The surgen, the oncologist, and the lab people. Apparently, when faxing over all the info or how ever they communicate with each other they lost the results. Well, technically not lost. They said that they are some where but they just don't know where. Hello! Definition of lost here.

The oncologist said they are trying to solve this as soon as possible. I saw the look of frustrating on my moms face and tried to calm her. She's already going through enough for this to happen and I hate seeing her down. It's like life is against us. What are we supposed to do? Roll over and die? Seems like that's what life wants.

No. We will survive. We will get though this. My mom is going to call the surgen and see what she can do. If that paper can not be found then the tissue will have to be tested again to see what type of came it is, hormonal, estrogen related, or something else the Dr. said I didn't really catch. And that testing can last for another couple of weeks.

Of course this happens to us. It's so annoying and I can't be surprised it has. After all that we have gone though what's not to be expected? But my fingers are crossed and if I have to start buying candles, a wand, a cauldron, and chant my way to a better life so help me God I will.

Dating

Dating. 

I have had my share of dates here and there but none of which have blossomed into healthy relationships. Probably the opposite . I’ve dated girls and boys, not bragging by the way. Although, I was wondering if it was time for me to jump in the pool again. Of course, by that I mean placing one toe in a few centimeters every minute or so. Like I said before, I’m not one to approach people and ask them out, so me making the first move would be so far fetched . 

In my first relationship I was young and didn’t know who I was yet. I was discovering myself. And I dated as the world had told me to. Boys date girls. It was a wonderful nonsexual relationship. We talked and had feelings for each other, as one does when one bonds and spends so much time with someone. But there was no physical attraction. 

After that I started to poke my nose in the “gay scene” more. I didn’t like it at all. Every app I had downloaded was all about sex. Sex sex sex. Nothing but sex. If you talked to a guy it was to find out who’s place the hook up would be at. Guys would only be interested in getting in your pants and not in your heart. Maybe I’m too over over romantic , or just a hopeless romantic period. 

Anyway, I dated guys here and there that didn’t seem to creepy and horny. It went well but I never found Mr. Right. Yes, ok, the guys I dated were charming and nice and what not, I mean I did chose to date them after all. But they weren’t what I wanted. Or what I needed. I have a complicated life so I need someone to be understanding and compassionate towards me. 

Which makes me wonder. I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. Is it time to go back? Or will my high standards never let me fall in love? Is my life just too complicated for just any one to handdle? Or am I just too dramatic? They say that there is a person out there for everyone, but maybe I am the only exception.

OMG! I’m fucking 23 for crying out loud

Target, If You’re Reading This Please HIRE ME

I was thinking about considering getting a second job. Well, better said, I have already been considering getting another job. Well, better better said, I already applied to various jobs. Yesterday I went home and applied to a few just like I had on Monday.

I don't have a preference, I just want to work. I would like a part time because I already work 40 hours a week therefore if I would get another job then it would have to be maybe around 20 hours or so. Sounds like I'm being interview right now.

Anyway, the reason being I got bills and they ain't getting paid. Since my mom can't work and my brother is so unmotivated to help, I, like most of the time, have to do it all. Plus I want to save money just for emergencies, because you never know.

So I applied to Target, Walgreens, some fast food restaurants, and Dollar tree. If I had to choose which one I really wanted I would choose Target. I love Target. If I need anything or everything that's where I go. Don't really know why. Maybe it's the people? The environment? How clean and nice everything looks? That it has a Starbucks? I think it might be the last one.

So Target, if you're reading this, HIRE ME. Please. But it's cool if you don't. I will be heart broken but still shop at your stores. But I will keep applying with persistence don't think I won't!

Since my mom can't drive her car, she lent it to a friend so it wouldn't just be sitting there. And since she's driving it, the friend, did the oil change with a well known friend of ours. He also told her to change the motor air filter which she did and that the car needed new spark plugs. She told me and I said ok let's buy them. Even though she's driving the car I didn't make her pay them all herself. I know she's going through a hard time too right now so why make it harder?

The smog is do before October so hopefully we get it all done by then. My mom wants her to pay for it since she's driving it but it's still our car. Do you see how nice I am? The car is in great condition so it will most likely pass.

Tomorrow I take my mom see the oncologist finically. He'll tell us everything about the cancer and tell us how much chemo my mom will need. I'm hopping for good news.

Other than that nothing else has happened. My life is kind of boring except when bad things happen. If my life was a movie it would win an Oscar for best Drama.

Karma, Dude You’re Failing Me

          I feel that I am a good person. At least, comparing myself to a lot of people, I know I am. But sometimes I feel that I could be a much better person. I try my best to be nice and kind and treat others the way I would have wanted to be treated in their shoes. And even though it’s said that ‘what goes around comes back around’ I feel that only applies to the bad. For example, hurt someone and then you will get hurt in the future. But then again you could also say it’s Karma. Bad Karma good Karma, I have no clue. But I’ve done good and not revived as much good back. 

          Anyway, one of my friends went to his college orientation yesterday and he had to spend the night there. It was a two day event to get to know the campus and what not. This is where I get mad. This is where I ramble on about how life sucks for me. And in all honesty. It does. 

          He messaged me yesterday morning and he sounded like it was a pain in the ass to go. I was like dude, you have the opportunity to go to college fully paid in one of the best countries in the world and get a good education and make something out of yourself and your complaining? I swear if he would have been right in front  of me I would have slapped him right in the face. 

          I feel like in these situations I have the full right to be jealous. Like I have the up most authority. Why? Well , he has a home, he doesn’t have to work, his college is paid for, and let alone that he’s is going to college period. Fuck yes I’m jealous! Or maybe I’m confusing my jealousy with anger? 


          Am I angry? It is a possibility. He is so ungreatfull. I’m fighting and clawing my way through life and he’s chilling and complaining? What kind of a friend is that? He’s privlaged. Way too privlaged. Never had to think about the future because it was simply just given to him. Everything he’s ever wanted just has always been there. He hasn’t ever needed anything because he has always had everything. 


          I was thinking the other day. And it’s kind of funny. I thought, what the fuck did I do in my past life to get stuck in this crappy one. It just came right out of the blue. But I mean it. I see bad things happen to good people. And I see bad people with all their success. Like, Karma, dude you’re failing me! I’ve been nothing but good in this life and it seems I’m In a never ending bad spiral. It’s annoying, just saying. 

          Will I tell my friend how I feel? Of course not. That would only cause more drama. I’ll just keep it to myself because I’m such a peace maker and I’ll talk to him like normal and whatever. But I’ll keep my space. It’s only a matter of time before he thinks highly of himself and leaves me behind in the gettho while he’s off making millions in who knows where doing who knows what, but that’s just the way it is. Welcome to life. 

Go Fund Me

          In the looks of money shortage I have decided to start a Go Fund Me account. It wasn’t an easy decision. I am one of those people that doesn’t like to ask for help. Not because I am full of pride and what not, but because I don’t want to be dead weight on someone. I don’t want to seem like I am burden on someone. But things are complicated right now.

          My moms surgery turned out to be successful and things are looking great for her. Yes we’re still having trouble with the insurance again, and this time for the oncologist. Granted we were having trouble with them since the beginning. For instance, they are charging us the first appointments we went to back in March and April which some up to the hundreds. Things are hard as it is and with bills being pilled up on top just makes everything even more stressing.

          Yesterday my dog past away which just added more grief to the already huge mountain we have. I created this Go Fund Me account a while back a couple of weeks before we knew that my mom had breast cancer. I never published it or shared it because I was scared to. What would people say? How would I look? Like a failure? Like someone who couldn’t keep it together? These thoughts pushed me back and I thought I could do it on my own, but it seems like I can’t.

          I have been at my lowest for a while and I just need a little help getting back up. You don’t need to donate if you don’t want to, some words of encouragement will go a long way as well. Either way thank you.

 

 
 

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Bongo

          My soul is crushed. I feel broken. As if a part of me was no more. Memories consume me. Pictures bring me to tears. I knew this day would come eventually but not this soon.

          When I got home from work this evening my mom was waiting for me sitting patiently. It seemed weird to me but she acted normal. I thought she was just hot and wanted to be closer to the AC. I sat next to her and listened to how her day had gone. How some friends come to visit her and gave her advice. One of her friends had cancer. I was glad she could help my mom with her experience and how she handled everything.

          After I told my mom how my day went she told me she had news that were rather sad. She didn’t know how I was going to react. I didn’t either. I was scared nonetheless. Then she said it. My dog past away. It was like my world had sunken. Like water levels had drastically risen and were were submerged and fighting for our last breaths. I didn’t understand. I ran outside. I had to see for myself.  It must have been a lie, it had to be a lie, but it wasn’t.

          He laid there motionless. My best friend. The only one who was and had always been there for me. The one who was always eager to lend a ear. The one who was always happy to see me. The one I knew I could trust in. Ten years of my life we had spent together. Through the good and the bad.


          And now that was all gone. He was gone. No more. I was crushed. Heartbroken. I stood there trying not to cry. trying to act mature. But with everything else going on and now this? It was nearing impossible. How do you lose a friend and not cry? How do you go through one of the hardest months in your life and not cry?

          Maybe a pets death wouldn’t make some one cry like I did. But I was like a strong glass at a wedding toast that took a beating with a silver spoon. And as it continued the glass cracked ever so slightly. Each hit was less then before but the glass cracked more and more because it was becoming fragile with every hit. Until the spoon won. It was my tip of the iceberg, the last hit.

          I will miss you. You were the best friend I ever had. You came into my life when I was young and needed someone to lean on. You became my friend and then soon family, to not only me but my brother and mother. I grew up with you. I’m going to miss seeing you. I’m going to miss playing with you. I’m going to miss the way you jumped up and down when you heard the bag of dog food. I’m going to miss when I would go away for a couple of hours and returned to your warm and happy trot. I’m going to miss coming home and you being the first thing I saw.


          I’m sorry we didn’t get to have more time with each other. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you better. Sorry I didn’t spoil you more. Sorry I didn’t give you more of my love. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the best life. I’m sorry life was this short for you. I will always remember you.


In the loving memory of Bongo. You will be missed, rest in peace in doggy heaven.

Moving This Mountain 

          Yesterday I took my mom to the doctor. It was time for her staples to come out. It was a little of a wait but when we finally got in they took the staples out. My mom said it didn’t hurt like she thought it was going to. When they were off she said she felt better. But then she looked down. I feel like my heart had just shattered into a million pieces then was set on fire. Looking at her face, seeing how hurt she was. Looking down and seeing what she saw. The scar that was now forming. 

          I put my hand on her shoulder and told her she was strong. Not because she’s my mom, but she is one of the strongest women I know. She felt a little better. I try my best to comfort her as best as I can. I know I can’t make that hurt that she feels go away but I can help her though it. She seems at peace with what happened but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t emotionally hurt still. It changes everything. 

          Like yesterday before we went she wanted to wear a scarf. I asked her why? She told me that she just felt like it. But I knew she just didn’t feel comfortable going out like that. That gave me such a pain in my chest. Knowing she feels that way. That people will look. Jerks. They don’t even know what we have gone through, but it’s the sad truth, they judge. So I let her wear it, and I told her she looked beautiful. 

          We are still trying to move this mountain. It’s hard but here we are. One day at a time. It gives me much joy seeing how she’s returning to herself. Getting up and waking around. Even yelling at my brother and me to make our beds and clean up. I missed her. I missed that part of her. The part that made her my mom. No matter what happened, she’s still my mom. She will always be, and I will always love her, And it makes me happy that with each day that passes by she gets better. Physically and emotional. 

And it will be moved

English And Literature 

          So because of the well known fact that one day, I, myself, will be one of New York Times best selling authors (kidding, see picture above) I was thinking that I should get started by writing. No, I’m not going to college for English or literature, and no my writing is not the best, but hey, I’m a work in progress. And I believe in myself which is what counts right? I feel that during the course of this blog I have learned a lot. Like the difference  between loose and lose. And also bare and bear. English is weird. But nonetheless I love reading it! 
          I plan on creating another blog where I can publish short stories and maybe chapter books. One chapter per post of course. Maybe one day I can go to college get the education everyone so calls “a must” and know how to write professionally. But for now I have a blog. And that will do pig, that’ll do. I just love writing. And I don’t want to be working a scheduled job all my life. Writing a book is my dream. It would actually be a dream come true, and you never know, it could happen.

I’ve been saying this quote since I was five

Hang In There 

            These flowers were given to me today by my friend Eli. She texted me yesterday that she wanted to give something to my mom and asked if it was ok to come over. She hasn’t met my mom, but I was going to the store today that’s by her house and I told her we should just meet up close by there so she wouldn’t have to drive all the way here and we could chat a while . 

            I hadn’t seen her in over four months I think. Since that last time we went to the park togther. It was nice seeing her. And even though I just wanted to talk to her alone I’m glad her husband went as well. Or else I would have been all mopey and gloomy about everything. I’m glad I got to see both if them. It was nice catching up. I really do miss her and I wish we would talk and hang out more. Hopefully the future changes. But life is weird. I’m optimistic right now but that changes really fast. We’ll see what happens , anything can happen. 

            I think it was really nice of her to give these to my mom. She really liked them. She also have me a little care that’s said hang in there. Telling me that even though things are hard right now they will get better. I hope so, but I don’t know. I should just start going with the flow. The flow seems to be moving pretty well so. I shall move along as well, because in the end life keeps rolling even if you dont. 

Gabriel 

            Gabriel. You will never read this. Because the day you do you will stop being my friend. So basically, this letter is more for me than it is for you. It’s just a way to get things out of my system and pretend that I am getting through to you.

            The reason I say you won’t be my friend is not because you wouldn’t want to be. It’s because you have been told not to be. 

            Let me start by going back in time, again. I never met you but I always knew you. From church of course. I was shy and you seemed to get along with every other kid around. I was so shy that you didn’t even know I was part of the congregation even though I attend the same one as you for about four years. Until later on. When I left for good. Or I thought I had.

            We were in this religion called Jehovah’s Witnesses. I grew up there. Is wasn’t so bad. Until I realized I was gay. I always sort of knew but I never said it or admitted it. So being in this religion was a struggle. Until one day I said fuck it, and stopped going. I was maybe eighteen going on to nineteen. It hurt my mom, she was really dedicated. But yet she never knew why I stopped going to the gatherings.

            Then, my moms ex boyfriend came into the picture. Also a JW (Jehovah Witness). He started dating my mom and started giving me bible studies to see if I would go back. I did end up going back. Why? Well, for my mom mainly. And also because I had no job and no place to go. I went back knowing I was gay, but thinking I could change that. I didn’t.

            Though I did met you. Face to face. You walked into my life and it was great. I had no friends in this religion and you were the first. It was nice. When we went to church I finally had someone to talk to instead of the wall. You knew I was shy but still you wanted my friendship. Thank you. Still baffled that you call me a friend. 

            We did have our fall outs here and there but we are still, friends. But are we? You don’t even know my deepest darkest secret. What would you say if I told you I was gay? How would you see me? Would you tell me to change? Would you stop talking to me? Or would you sympathize and say it’s OK? I’ve gotten to know you all this time yet I have no clue what your reaction would turn out to be.

            You know that I have secrets. But why don’t you ask what they are? Are you scared that they will be too dark? I thought friends share everything? But, yet I know you keep things from me. And do I ask? No.

             Did you ever notice my cuts? I know I was a real professional at concealing them. Years of experience does that to you. But, if you did, why didn’t you say anything? When I was quiet why did you ask if everything was ok? Instead you tried your hardest to keep the conversation going with my one word answers.

            Did you ever notice how I was falling apart? I wanted to tell you so many things. I still do. And I wish I could. I wish I could tell you and see how you would react. If you took everything well, then good if not, then I would rewind it all back and just keep sweeping it under the rug.

            When will this cycle of pretend end? How long will I have to live this lie? Some people might say that I have to start thinking about myself and what’s best for me. And deep down maybe I agree with them. But I am not like that. I’m not like them. I look at others before I make decisions. In other words, I see how other people will get affected. And if I come out, a lot will.

            I want to thank you Gabriel for staying by my side. Because even though all my other friends left. Or better said, backed away, you stayed. You made sure to keep me in the loop. Sometimes I did wish you would stop talking to me but it was good that you didn’t. What will be our future if we continue this way?