Animosity

Humans are really difficult.

 

We all have different ways of expressing our emotions and sometimes we don’t know how to decipher everyone else’s.

 

For instance there has been many times that I am left on read (for the older audience that means that I send someone a message and they do not reply, but yet they have seen the message), its not a good feeling and sometimes my mind wonders why they did that? Did they not want to talk to me? Are they tired of me? Do they even like me? None of these things are probably true but that is what my brain is trained to do because I have allowed it to .

 

Another example of how difficult humans can be is that sometimes they do things that you don’t even understand. Take for example my friends, about six of us were set on getting together yesterday to eat some sushi at this fancy place everyone is talking about. Did we? No. Why? Because 90% of them canceled , so it was only me and another friend.

 

Why they canceled last minute and decide it was ok, I have no clue. But this is where I get to my point, as complicated and as difficult as humans can sometimes be, is it up to us to judge or even get mad at why they do the things they do? Maybe they has a rough day and wish to not speak to any one, or maybe they just aren’t in the mood even if nothing did happened to them.

 

I forgave my friends for canceling, and I feel that we need a little more of that in this world. Every once in a while I hear, “well maybe if she wouldn’t have done that we would still be friends.” Ok, true, but maybe if you would have just forgiven her you guys would still be friends. (Depending on what she did to but I mean if you really want someone to stick around and they want to be there and ask for forgiveness why not give them a second chance?) There is so much animosity towards everyone today and it needs to stop.

Full Throttle

I am on a social spiral and it’s going upward.

On Friday one of my friends asked if I wanted to go eat sushi, of course I said yes because that’s my weakness. One of my other friends had asked if I wanted to go see a drag show and I had told her no but since I was going out for sushi might as well go full throttle on the whole night.

Sushi was great like it always is. The drag show was amazing. I loved seeing them dance and “sing” and just have fun! After that we danced on the dance floor and I had only one drink. The vibe wasn’t the same as the other club I had gone to the previous week but it was still good. We danced for a while before going home.

One the way home, my friend who knows about his blog (hey girl) and is a raver was talking about the one she’s going to this upcoming weekend. It’s called Hard Summer. I remember she’s always tried to get me to go and I’ve always lagged but since I’m in a yes kind of mood I said yes. Not to this one but one that’s called Escape.

It’s theme is Halloween. She’s planning to be Princess Peach and I’d be Luigi. (Of course a slutty darker version of them). Once I posted on social media that I was glowing I was spammed by all these people that I know are going to or that at least want to try to go and some of them in my closest circle of friends. So I really hope they can go.

On another note, yesterday I told a friend about this blog. I didn’t give her the address or a way to look it up, just simply told her that I had one. She suggested that we make one together. About us, our adventures, and our life stories. Kind of something motivational. So stay tuned for that!

I also went on a midnight date but that story well save for next time.

Big Talk

I was looking back the other day on how far I have come. Not in the sense of success but in the sense of growth. Growth as a person.

I remember not too long ago I hated parties. Just the thought of going to one made my back shiver and gave me goosebumps all over my body. The thought of interacting with people I have never me just drove me crazy. I would ask myself, why would anyone talk to someone they don’t already know?

 

But, in reality we have all have talked to someone we don’t know. That’s the only way you got to meet the people you know very well now. You know them very well now, but at one point or another you never did. And now you talk to them not even remembering how terrified you were of starting the conversation in the beginning.

I guess what I am trying to say is how much I have changed. In this world, you really can’t be antisocial. Please, don’t get me wrong, I always get those doubts like, will they like me? What if I say something I wasn’t supposed to say? What if we have nothing to talk about? Will they want to be my friends? Will they think I’m weird? And about a million other questions always run through my mind.

 

But it’s the way I answer those questions that really gives me confidence. First, who cares what people say? Sure, you do, but if you are looking for their approval are they really that worth it? It reminds me of college frats. You must go through all these hoops and humiliating things just to join the club? Hell no! Be in a group that is accepting that will invite you to be part of them, if they don’t want you then they are missing out on one great person.

Second, there’s always that awkward silence when you first meet someone. You either don’t know what to say or you don’t want to say something that will upset them. Ok, well if you go back to the previous paragraph we literally just said “who cares” right? So, if we think like that this will take some pressure off. Ask them anything! Enough with the weather bullshit, we all know that its hot and its cold and global warming and shit, let’s talk about where you grew up, why you are the person whom you are today, what are your goals and dreams in this life? If you had one day left to live what would you do? No more small talk lets big talk!

I have learned that connecting with people and seeing that really everyone has fears and aspirations it has helped me come out of my shell. Sure, I’m not going to go talking to everyone I meet but if someone wants to talk and connect then yes, I’m all for it. And I know if I can do it, so can you.

One Week

What I thought was going to be a romantic summer novel turned out to be a short lived short story.

This past Monday I went over to my lover’s house (I guess we can call him that), and we talked all night. We had a fight during the weekend, I wanted him to come with my friends to the club but he wanted to go to the movies, and watch Mama Mia. I told him no, and that I was going to go with my friends with or without him. So for this weekend (our first and last weekend) we went apart.

It was not until Monday night that I understood why he wanted to spend so much time with just me. I though he was leaving in the beginning of August, but he’s actually leaving this Saturday.

My heart was torn. I knew he was going to be leaving so I was prepared but now having him tell me that is was going to be sooner really dug a knife in my heart. For me two weeks seemed like an eternity, like we had all this time in the world to do all the things we wanted and still have time to relax, but a week? One week.

He started telling me how we could make it work, relationship wise. He could come down one weekend and then I can go up and visit him the next. He said there are so many ways to stay connected without physically having to be close. This broke my heart, it truly did.

I am those people that needs attention to survive. Don’t get me wrong I’m not needy but I like to feel the person I’m with, I like to be next to them, I like our skins to be touching, I want to feel their warmed, I want to look them in the eyes and hold them. There is no technology that can replace a physical person.

Aside from all that, we meet new people in our life’s all the time. He’s going to be meeting new people for sure, new city, new job, new everything. I don’t want that in the back of my head. Always asking myself, who is he with? Who does he talk to? What is he doing? I can’t live that way. So I told him I couldn’t and I was sorry.

He started crying as did I. It was the hardest no I have ever said in my life. After our emotions were clearer we talked about just being friends, I know it sounds cheesy but that’s what we did. We talked about visiting each other and staying connected yes, but not in a relationship kind of way.

He’ll always be in my heart. I never connected with someone on the level that we did so I’m glad that he will stay in my life, and maybe is destiny and fate ever have a brunch date where they talk about us, maybe they’ll decide to put us on each others path again.

Social Butterfly

Yesterday I went clubbing.

Technically you can say it was a bar but there was so much room to dance that people were doing just that. Maybe it was a bar club.

Not sure, not my scene but maybe now it will be. One of my friends that loves raves and dance music, loves going to clubs to dance, and have a good time. She had been inviting me for years now, yesterday was the first time I said yes.

We waited for a little over an hour in line to get in, but it was definitely worth it. Once we were in we bought drinks and moved to the dance floor. At first I didn’t really know what to do. I just stood there awkwardly swaying back and forth. Then the drinks hit. I was pumped. I didn’t know any song that played but the beat and the bass was running through my veins and took control of all my senses.

Now that I have blossomed into this marvelous social butterfly I’m on the path to greater things. We made new friends yesterday that danced with us. They were great. I love this new me.

I can sit here and think back to the times I feared to go to public places. And although I still get a little nervous, now I love it.

I’m making new friends and meeting new people. I’m experiencing all these new things I have been missing out on all these years.

I had the time of my life yesterday and if it were to happen again I wouldn’t mind. I’d actually welcome it.

I Will Be Heartbroken

My stomach is rumbling, and it’s not gas, it’s just full of emotions.

Today my boss did not come to work and neither will she be in tomorrow. She took today and tomorrow off to take care of some things. I have been in my position for a little under two weeks and I still don’t know half of what I should. That is only because there is so much to learn, and I will not be able to learn it in such a short period of time, but I’m getting there slowly.

The only thing that is kind of making me nervous is the Manager meeting that I will sit in to give the numbers for our department. I am not as nervous as I thought I would be which is good. But at the same time, I wouldn’t like to mess up in front of the big bosses.

Yesterday I spent some time with two of my friends. We went to Starbucks and gossip about our love lives and what not. One of them is going to Europe. She’s is going to be in Spain, there she will visit Madrid and Barcelona. And yes, I am very jealous, Spain is one of my favorite places, even though I have yet to visit. She says she thinks she’s in a relationship but her and her boo have not yet talked about it. I’m happy for her.

My other friend just came back from the Anime Expo in Los Angles. She brought me back a pin from the Death Note. I love that anime. I’m not that into anime but I do watch some here and there. She also told us about her dating life. She recently broke up with her boyfriend of six years. She’s not ready to get into a relationship yet, she said she just wants to date and have fun.

As for me, well I told them that I fell for yet another guy who will end up breaking my heart. It’s not his fault though. He straight up told me that he was leaving, because of work. I was the one who said who cares let’s enjoy this while it lasts. And honestly, as the days go by and we keep in contact I’m already starting to see how hard it’s going to be to see him go. I will be heartbroken to say the least.

I have a friend that went to visit where he mother came from. There she fell in love with some guy and she didn’t come back for a long time, almost a year. All of our friends told her she was stupid for doing so. I must confess that I also took part in telling her she was dumb for falling for someone who is in another country.

She came back and they broke up. One year later she had to go back to fix some issues her family was having with their properties over there, and guess what happened? Yup, she’s still over there. But, now that I am in this situation I had to call her and tell her that I finally understood why. Why she would do such a thing as to fall in love with someone who she isn’t supposed to. Or was she?

Was I? I want to think that it’s just infatuation. That when he leaves the feeling of wanting to be near him will vanish. That the feeling of wanting to talk to him every second I breath will evaporate. That the image of his smile and beautiful eyes will disappear from my brain. That his laugh will no longer ring in my ears and the sound of his beating heart won’t be there anymore.

I am in too deep now.

I Miss You Already

Love.

It never seems to happen at the right time for me. If it seems like there is something good going my way then bam¸ life wants to pry it out of my hands. And it happens every single dam time.

I met a guy yesterday. Yes, on an app, (shut your mouth and don’t you dare judge me). When he started talking to me it seemed that he wasn’t that into me. Then the conversation progressed ever so smoothly. Like we had known each other for a long time. We talked and and talked for hours without ever running out of things to say.

He asked me what I was looking for. I said maybe a friend or a relationship. I described to him what I felt and what I wanted. He really liked what I had to say. The only catch this time is that he is moving 6 hours away because of his job. New promotion.

Just my luck, when I find a cute guy that actually likes me back and is into me, he has to go and move away. The issues is that we really liked each other. So, I kindly accepted his jokingly invitation to go over, yolo right?

He really didn’t want me to go because he knew we would catch feelings for each other. And it turned out that we did, or at least I know I did. I went to his house and we talked for maybe an hour or so outside. We then went inside where we continued our coversation.

Again, talking to him was so easy, everything just came out of my mouth, my complete trust was his. We didn’t talk anything serious, just regular midnight talk. We even talked about the stars and what not, I know, very romantic. I felt like it was a fairytale, I was delighted.

Then we went to his room and just watched Netflix. Suddenly we are holding each other. I was glued to his body and he was to mine. The smell of his body made me float to cloud nine and I felt like I was untouchable. I felt like right there at that moment, I was finally living my dream. Like all the wars and battles I had to go through in my life were all worth it because they had all led me to that moment.

It was too good to be true and then I remembered he was leaving soon. I told him, “this seems like a movie. No, like a book. What would we call it?” He came up with really good names to name our future book. But then I said I Miss You Already. We settle on it without a second thought because it was such a heart breaking tittle.

Its sad but it is what is happening. I am falling for him, I know he is leaving, but yet I want more of him. My arms still smell like him. I can’t get his face out of my head, his lips and even the feeling of him holding me in his arms. The way he laughs and jokes around are all ingraved in my memory. Even his cute little cat, Jasper.

This definitely feels like one of those summer books I used to read about when I was younger. Boy meets boy, they fall in love and then one has to leave, then slam, broken hearts. But those always end with a happy heart warming ending right?

Will ours?

Floating

Life is weird. I know that for a fact. Sometimes it can pull you down to the bottom and have you crawling on the dirt. But then there are those times where it lifts you high in the sky and you flying or floating right next to birds and you get to see the marvelous and spectacular views from above.

That’s how I feel at this moment. Like I’m floating. Like I’m souring in the sky and there is nothing that can catch me. I have not felt like this in a while and even though I want to say I didn’t see this coming I actually did.

I was promoted last week before I went on vacation to a Lead. Basically, that is second in command from a supervisor. I applied for it a while back. With all the things going on at work they took a while to finally give me the good news. I was ecstatic.

I love the department that I am correctly in, don’t get me wrong. But, I want to learn, I want to grow, and I want to expand myself in other ways in other departments. So, when this opportunity came around I took it.

I want to stay in this mentality. I want to feel like I am always floating. It is really hard to stay and maintain a positive attune but I will try and give it my best. That’s the only way to enjoy life. It was a long time coming but finally I can start living for me and be happy about it.

Yosemite/San Francisco

Mini vacation.

I went to Yosemite National Park this past week. All I can say is that I fell in love. I love nature. Everything about it is amazing. The way it all works. The way it’s just there. Beautiful.

I went with family and friends and stayed in Camp 4. We arrived early Thursday morning to be able to register for a camp area. We got a good one and set everything up before heading out to hike.

The first thing we set out to see was Yosemite Falls. One of the tallest waterfalls in North America. In the picture below, it doesn’t even do justice of how long it is.

We were going to go to the very top of it but we ended up only making it half way. We ran out of water and were really tired from the drive there, not to mention we were sleep deprived. But nonetheless we made it half way and the views were spectacular.

The next day we went to see Vernal Falls and Nevada Falls.

Both of these were marvelous. They were breathtaking to say the least and the hike was worth it. It took us about 4 hours or so to get to the top of the second waterfall. Going down it was much easier, we stopped way less to rest. Buy the end of the day we went to a lake close by to cool off. The water felt great in our sore muscles.

Then on Saturday we headed to San Francisco to see the Golden Gate Bridge.

Over all this trip was really amazing. I had a great time with my family and my friends. I don’t feel so tired or sore thank god or mainly because I do go to the gym once in a while, which helped. Now it’s back to reality, until my next adventure.

I Hope You Find Your Peace

Last week a coworker was making a joke that if I was to be looked for I would surely be found in the “ladies room.”

At first this did not phase me. I did not care. But then something happened. I usually leave a note of when I leave my desk, so it is easier for people to locate me. It usually reads “If you are looking for Me he is in X location.” I came back from my break and found it saying “if you are looking for Me she is in the ladies room.”

I’ve been bullied my whole life and never found a way to stand up for myself. One of my coworkers saw it and took it straight to my supervisor. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, scared that people would see this and then question my sexuality.

Today Human Resources called two of my coworkers to make a statement. Then he was called also to the office where he admitted to writing those things right before being terminated.

I don’t wish him bad. I actually wish it goes well for him. I wish him good luck. I just hope he learns from this. I hope that one day when some one is doing the same thing he did to me he is the one that stand up for them. I hope he finds his peace.

I am great full for the people who stood up for me. I hope they get blessed for this. It taught me that there are good people out there and that some of them actually do care.

If you’re out there struggling with someone who is bullying you, and just like I is too scared to speak up, find someone who can help you. Find someone who loves you and will take care of your sometimes we can’t ourselves because of the oppressor. But if we don’t stop them now, when will we?