Three Dates One Week

I went on a date yesterday. No, not a dinner or anything fancy but it was nice. I met this guy like I do most guys online, talk to him and add him on my social media. I basically have to figure out if it’s safe or not to meet him. I want to have fun but I don’t want to die.

The plan was to meet up at Jack in the box and eat, I’m a cheap date honestly. But that didn’t work out so I just met up at his work. Speaking of his work he’s the one that got my brother the job at the same place he works at. So I felt like I kind of owed him a date. Sounds bad but I had a good time.

I honestly thought I was only going to to see him once, but I’ll be seeing him again today, he has a really nice smile and I kind of actually liked him. I’m not gonna say that I fell for him because I didn’t. I just like looking at his face. (LoL).

Tomorrow I have another date with another guy I’ve been talking to. He seems really cute but for some reason he swears every guy he meets blows him off and never speaks to him again. I want to know why. Not that it matters much but he’s not fat, he’s really sweet, and he’s cute. Why would guys run from that? I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.

Saturday I have another brunch/movie date with the guy I met (sexually drunkenly made out with) at the club a while back. I have a feeling he’s going to cancel for some reason , he’s cute too but I would mind. These threes dates I’m under a week can get to me. Plus I have a lot of stuff to do in between all this dating.

I honestly don’t know what I want. To have fun? Be in a relationship? Am I ready to fall in love again? How will my life change if any of these guys are actually worth it? Either way im swimming in the ocean and seeing what’s good.

Best And Worst Saturday

Drinks, drunks, and good ass French fries.

This past Saturday I went out again. I know, before you start judging me let me tell you that I’m being safe (sorta) and I’m finally having the time of my life. Not holding back and not scared of anything.

This Saturday although it was great it was a little different than most nights I’ve gone out. Me and one of my friends hit up the club and chilled in the parking lot for about half an hour. Then suddenly there was a knock at my car window.

Some drunk guy wanted my friend. Since we are some bad ass bros, when my friend was asked if he wanted to dance with the guy he flat out told him no I want to dance with my friend. I thought the drunk guy was going to slice my throat open but he just walked away.

We were shook. The way the guy approached us was really weird. The rest of the night we were thinking that the guys was gonna key my car, that really killed the mood and my buzz. Not to mention the music really sucked.

Almost at the end of the night while we were dancing on the second stage, some old guy tripped and groped my friend. Like, everything bad happened to him that night I felt terrible.

He ran passed me and walked outside. I couldn’t believe it either. It was really awkward and very ugly. I saw it all happen inform of my eyes and I still couldn’t believe it.

We left soon after that. We went to eat at a taco shop and got some carne asada fries (if you don’t know what those are google them, you’ll thank me later). They were amazing!

We chilled at his house till 6am and then I went home. That Saturday was the best and worst Saturday I had been with this particular friend. He told me that I wasn’t fake and I actually am who I present my self to be. That’s basically the best compliment I have ever received.

Don’t Compare Me To Your Friends

Ok let’s rant shall we?

I had a totally different post planned for today but some events made me change my mind.

So I have this friend that has been there for me for a while now. I love her to death and I would do anything for her. I always forgave her when she canceled and stood me up. Plus, I would always listen to her problems and try my best to help her out. I truly cared for her. She was one of the people that really helped me get me out of my shell and explore and be more out there.

So I bought Escape tickets with her. It’s a rave type of concert for Halloween. I am very excited because I love Halloween! Plus music and good vibes, bring it in.

Today though. She was telling me all the things she’s planning which is cool. I really appreciate that. I do. I like to be ready for things, at the same time sometimes I like to just go for it. I know she’s been to raves and I know she has experience, but she’s being to much right now.

I told her something and she said that her boyfriends is that once and then she didn’t have a good time. Or other times I’ll say something and she’ll immediately say that her friends did that and that this happened. So, me, getting mad at her told her exactly don’t fucking compare me to your friends.

And it’s true she does that all the time. She replays all the scenarios that she’s ever had with her friends and puts me in there. First of all, I’m nothing like her other friends, second of all I’m a different person so the scenarios will be different. She finds that hard to understand.

She straight out came at me. Told me that I was being rude basically and that she has been there for me and blah blah, ok true that doesn’t give you authority over me though. Then she said that who ever I was hanging out with was now changing me.

Um no, I’m finally living a happy life and you’re going to come and tell me I’ve changed? Oh have I changed because I’m not doing what you want me to do? Because I’m not following over for you? Excuse me but Fuck You. That’s the old me, this is the new me. I’m doing me and I’m doing it well. Like, I love her to death but she has to wake up from her dream.

I Don’t Remember

One more crazy night.

It seems that this is becoming a regular thing now. Go out, have fun, get drunk, and dance. It’s not a bad thing, as long as all those things mentioned before are done safely. Yesterday, was not one of those nights.

Nonetheless less I had the time of my life, (at least what I can remember). I went to a wedding rehearsal that I will be a grooms man in. It was nice and then there was music and the night got nicer. The food was good and the vibe was amazing. I had a good time there.

I could have finished my night there but no. I, being me, wanted to dance more. So I had already prearranged to meet up some friends at our local gay club. Which is now becoming a tradition, as you all can read.

I took a couple (4) of shots before going in. I didn’t think they would get to me so hard and fast. Then I had a Long Island, and a sip her and a sip there of a drink called Adios, and let me tell you, it’s called that for a reason! After that I was one the dance floor moving and grooving.

I was soon grinding and dancing all up on this guy. I had a hardcore but short make out session with him, (he was actually a good kisser, I think. Can’t really remember much).

Speaking of not remembering, after that the night was a blur. I don’t remember when the club closed, I don’t remember walking outside, I don’t remember laying on the grass, and I don’t remember getting home. But it all happened. And there’s pictures to prove it.

I lost my phone so many times. There was one point I just kept dancing until this on chick walked up and said if I had lost a phone, I hugged her said thanks and went back to dancing like nothing happened. It was a night to remember, but sadly I can’t. That’s the most wasted I’ve ever been in my entire life (and hat says a lot). I had the time of my life though and to be honest I’d do it all over again.

Dance

There are a couple of things that make me really happy. One of them is dancing. If you don’t like dancing how do you even live with yourself? Get out if that mentality, the I can’t dance to save my life mentality. If your body is moving to what ever music you are listing that is the definition of dancing.

I used to only dance in the shower, and even then, it wouldn’t even be that great. But now, I’m in clubs dropping it like it’s hot and picking it up like it’s cold. It’s great. Sure, I’m not gonna lie the alcohol does help some. A lot. But nonetheless, I’m dancing and I’m feeling free.

It’s a feeling of weightlessness. Like I’m floating or my feet aren’t touching the ground. The people around me don’t matter because I am my own happiness. I control how happy I can be. What if they stare? What if they look? What if they judge? Let them. I’m doing me and I’m having fun.

And there’s nothing wrong with acting like a fool while dancing. If you really look at it people are just flinging they’re body parts here and there and having fun. That’s all there is to it. The only time when it should matter how you dance is if it’s a competition.

So if you’re not in a competition, then get out and dance.

Small World

Yesterday I talked to my shaman.

Well technically speaking it was one of my friends. I hadn’t seen her in for ever (two months). And she just came back from being out of the country. No one thought she was going to come back do to the fact she fell in love with a guy who was a family friend. But eventually she did, and I’m super glad she did.

We went to go eat sushi because I love sushi and because why now? I really did miss her. She’s really cool and so awkward at the same time but I love her.

We catcher up and then I told her how I was feeling down the other day. How conflicted I was with everything going on in my life (it’ll probably be a post in the future), and she listened to me. It was nice. I like her points of view.

I know sometimes I put others happiness in front of mine but that’s ok because I feel like if they are happy I am too. But at the same time there’s that little feeling inside of me that I could be doing something else that would actually make me happier.

After talking we went to the park to walk around (or walk off the sushi I would say). It was a nice windy calm evening. I missed evenings like that, it’s been so hot lately and I’m sick of it.

Anyways, it was fun talking to her and my spirit really did go up from down where it had been. She always knows how to cheer me up, I’m glad she’s in my life. Apparently she knows a a girl who knows me who I met through a guy on Grindr. I know complicated shit but it’s a small world. A very small world.

Let’s Talk About Yesterday

I consider myself a very happy person. Not like over the top happy just happy in general aside from my issues happy lol. If you see me, most likely I will give you a warm smile. Usually when talking with friends if they have some sort of issue I’ll do my best to give them advice or at least try to make them see the bright side of things, if there is no bright side, then I’ll try to make them see what can be learned from the experience?

But yesterday, oh boy yesterday. Let’s talk about yesterday, so, I came back from Los Angeles sleep deprived since I only slept three or so hours because I went to a club the night before and fell asleep as soon as I got home.

When I woke up I really woke up in a bad mood. Not a grumpy mood just less energetic. Like not wanting to deal with anyone, not wanting to speak to anyone or have anyone speak to me. Even though I had a great nap and it was one of the bests I’ve ever had I woke up feeling ugh I’m going to say it, sad.

I’m not a sad person, well not anymore at least. I texted a friend who always see things in a different way. I told her that I needed some of her infinite wisdom. She’s those types of people that doesn’t chose sides. You tell her give me the reasons why Orange is the best color and she will, but she will also give you the reasons why it’s not, so she’s a very neutral person and I love her for that. She always makes me see both side of the coin.

She told me it was natural that I was feeling a little bit under the weather. She told me that we can’t be happy all the time. But that’s the thing, I need to be happy, I really hate being emotional or worrying about things.

The thing is that this feeling goes beyond feeling sad, its more if a tired feeling. Yes, I think that’s a better way of describing it. So, I have been more “out there” as they say, making new friends, dating and what not, going to parties, and just talking to friends more in general. Being this social is draining to say the least. For someone who didn’t even want to go to work and then only a couple months later have all these things on his list to do is a real dramatic change. A change that is good, because I hate being the victim. But nonetheless its still draining me. Because I haven’t had any me time. Or any alone time.

I think I need to disconnect for at least one day. Maybe turn my phone off for the whole day and just do me. Have no one know where I am or go out and just have fun by myself, center my thoughts and have a moment to myself. Or maybe I just need chocolate?

Skull

Party animal.

That’s one of the ways you can describe me. Or should I say that’s one of the ways I want to be described?

This weekend I watched Christopher Robin. Yes I’m a little kid at heart. It almost made me cry. I loved it. I remember watching the cartoons and the movies when I was young. The one I loved the most was Pooh’s grand adventure. Christopher Robin leaves Pooh and note that he’s going to school but he leaves it stuck to a honey pot that the words get smudged and Pooh’s friend end up thinking it says skull, and that’s where the adventure starts as they set out to bring back Christopher from Skull.

Saturday I finally showed a friend this blog. I think she’s been reading some of my posts, you guys will get to know here as Queenlynn. As I told her about my blog I really was thinking if I should just tell everyone else? Should they know what I wrote about them? Should they know what goes on in my head? What I’ve been trough? I’m going to give it more thinking and then decide.

On a different note, I met this guy on Grindr who I’ve gone to the movies before. We turned out good friends and asked if I wanted to go clubbing. I of course said yes. We saw a drag show and then after danced until two in the morning. I got to meet his friend. They seem pretty cool and I swear they make the cutest type of combination as friends.

The club was awesome and I really liked the vibe. There were more people than last time. I danced all the way until they shut it down. Then we chilled at my car till I sobered up before hitting a fast food place because we were hungry. Then I hit my bed.

I woke up maybe three hours later and headed to LA with a friend to buy a suit for a wedding I will be one of the grooms men in. I’m excited to be honest. I’ve never been anything important at a wedding so this is exciting. Plus I’ve been going to a lot of get togethers where they have had dance music and I’ve been loving that.

I was tired as hell but it was really worth it. This weekend went by way too fast but it was amazing at the same time. I need to slow down though. I haven’t had a weekend to myself for the last three months and I need to gather my thoughts.

Much To Tell

Writers block.

You could say that I have writers block. My brain has been really empty for the first part of August. Or maybe I should say that my life has been empty. Nothing much has happened since the last time I wrote. I usually wrote when something happens and an idea forma in my head.

That’s basically why I’m writing now. The idea; writers block. So, basically I would have to write and mumble about how it’s affecting me and what not. But that sounds really boring to say the least.

Then, I thought hey I just came out to a coworker maybe that’s a good story to tell. But it wasn’t really a coming out story because I never really said I was gay. At the same time she kind of understood me on so many levels. With her being a lesbian too I think she saw it in my eyes. So there’s not much to tell there.

But alas! This weekend I will have much to tell, I promise.

Make A Batter You

Working out.

I love working out, now. I remember once I was terrified of going to the gym and I dreaded sweating. As soon as I would break into sweat I felt like I was doing too much and needed to stop. It’s not even that to be completely honest, it’s just the fact of not feeling comfortable being looked at while I was sweating.

One of my friends was telling me the other day how she sometimes has no energy for the gym. I know how she feels, when I first started going to the gym I went, not because I wanted to go, but because I was paying for it and I’m not one to waste money and not get out what I put in.

I was never a, omg I have to go to the gym today or I’m going to die, type of person. I hated the gym. When I was younger I would ask myself why people would go to a public place and present themselves in such a way. When I (rarely) worked out at home I never liked anyone watching me. I would hide or lift weights when everyone was sleeping. Of course, that never did work because I never stuck to it and I would always stop.

So, when I bought the membership to the gym I go to now, never did I think I would end up loving it. I’m also not one of those insanely toned guys either, (I wish). I go because I want to do it for my health and I care about it too. Plus it makes me feel really good.

Ok, yes, at first it was such a hassle. I would go and feel like crap looking at other people doing way better than me. Smiling while they look at themselves in the mirror seeing their progress, meanwhile I was over here trying to hide my fat with layers of clothes. But that’s not the way I should have been seeing those people, or even myself. I wasn’t at their level. I’m still not at their level, will I ever be? No. That is their level, I have my own level.

You can’t expect going to the gym you will be walking out like those models on the magazines. That’s not true. If you go to the gym go for yourself. To make a better you. Not to look like somebody else. Those people live at the gym, you have a life to live and things to do. They spend hours and hours in the gym, it’s their job, we go maybe at most two hours a day so it’s unreal if we believe that in a month we’ll look like them.

If that’s your goal then you need to be patient but still think that you can do it, because you can. You just need to motivate yourself in the correct way.

For instance right now my motivation is Escape. I’m wearing a curtain costume and I want to feel hot in it. I want to turn heads. Yes that maybe conceded of me but it makes me feel good. Not that they are looking at me but even before I step out I look in the mirror and just feel good. Everyone else should too. Life is too short to feel like crap and not go out. Even if I didn’t like the way I looked I’m still gonna go out and rock it because I need to live life I need to have fun. The gym has given me so much more confidence, and I needed that.