I woke up fifteen minutes before 4 AM in the morning. No alarm, no one woke me up. It was just the sensation that something was different.
My brother has been working night shifts and I am his ride, I have to pick him up at 4:30. Every morning everyday before I go to work. He usually calls me when I have to pick him up, today I was already awake and coming back from Starbucks. I needed coffee, let me rephrase that, I needed sugar.
Once my brother was home and said his goodbyes to my mother we drove to the hospital where her reconstruction surgery was going to take place. She was nervous I could tell. I was calm, at least that’s what I gave off in appearance.
We registered and got her admitted and soon we were speaking to the nurses and doctors regarding the surgery and the procedures. They explained what and how they were going to do it (again), it was pretty raw and gruesome, but that’s the way doctors should be.
Pretty soon I said good bye and watched her get wheeled away and taken. I had a minor flash back of last year when she had her mastectomy. Last year I was in a terrible place. I’m ok admitting that now.
Now I’m in a better place. Nonetheless, I do have emotions, and it is terrifying just being in a hospital in general. I am from Hispanic decent and if you have ever watched a Spanish soap opera, nothing good comes from hospital nurses mouths.
But I can’t think like that. A nurse updated me and said that everything is going well. No issues, just time. A lot of time left. I’ve been getting a lot of support from friends through social media.
I know they care, but is it wrong for me to ignore them? I need space. I need to focus. I need to center myself. With everyone asking and wishing for the best and saying it’s going to be ok is really overwhelming. It kind of screams at me hey your mom is in a intensive surgery that may or may not end her life ! But good luck!
This is not pushing people away. This is me getting myself together before I explode in front of them. I’m not one to break down in front of people, that’s not really my style. I collect myself and move on. If everyone is worried who’s gonna keep me sane?
Anyway I’m rambling now, I continue to hope and pray that the surgery is a success and that everything goes fine. I am nervous but not as much, I love my mom and losing her would be the worst possible thing in the world.
Stay strong mom. I love you.