Hello My Name Is…

Hello, my name is Pedro.

Most of my friends call me Peter. In English that’s what my name translates to. When ever I meet someone new they instantly say, “hey! Vote for Pedro right?.” As if I was the one in the movie. (Napoleon Dynamite). That soon gets annoying. I’ve been nicknamed other things as well, like Peter Parker and Peter Pan. Peter Pan is the one that’s stuck around. I don’t mind it. I like Peter more than Pedro, don’t ask why.

I grew up in a small town just like everyone else basically. It was in between two big very known towns but it was quite a drive. I loved that town. It was perfect. At least that’s what was left in my brain from what I remember. Sadly though, I moved away when I was ten. My father got a job offer in the city I live in now. So we all had to move.

I grew up being a Jehovah Witness. That’s all I knew. That’s what my mom taught me. My father never had any interest in it so he never went to the gatherings. I had friends I had left behind and I didn’t make any when I moved here. I was rather a loner for the longest time.

We settled in with family until we finally found a home for us. School was extremely hard. I couldn’t make friends easily. I would mind my own business and try speak to anyone. Thank fully there was this one kid who took me under his wing. He was cool. We eventually started hanging out more and more until we became friends.

That only lasted two years. Back in the late 2000’s when the economy was terrible my father lost his job and we were short on money. That lasted a while until my father was deported back to his country of birth. He was a hard working man that really cared for his family and tried his best to support us economically, but unfortunately life isn’t always how we want it.

When all that happened, we moved back in with one of my aunts. My mother started working and I left public school and became homeschool to take care of my younger brother and my cousins. Then we moved from place to place until we finally found a nice little shack we call home since then.

I started working when I was 19 years old. It was at a fast food place everyone knows. I had a great time there meeting new people and making long lasting relationships with the people that worked there. I honestly did learn a lot working there. I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything.

While working there I became way more social then I had once been. Parties, eating out, going out, and just about everything in between. It was a time I thought I knew who I was, but I didn’t.

I bought my car just months before I quit there. Found a new job in less then a month, thank god. Then I dedicated my time and everything else to my religion. I shunned the friends I made that did not believe what I did. Months later I welcomed them back in my life and turned my back on religion.

After that it’s been a love and hate relationship between me and God. It wasn’t until the end of last year which really made me reconsider what I wanted in life. To live a double life? Or finally stay loyal to one side. I chose religion. Do I regret it? No.

But I got ahead of myself. In the beginning of 2017 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. The years that followed were hectic. Complicated to say the least. But we got through it. Mastectomy, tissue transfer, and ultrasounds, but we made it.

Of course, there are so much more things that happened during those times. But those are other stories for other times.

Just wanted to let everyone know a little more about who I am.

Whatever This Thing Is

Let’s talk about my relationship.

Or better said, let me tell you how awful what ever this thing I have with this one girl is. Is it a relationship? She’s grown but her parents don’t let her do anything. Religion involved? Nope, none. Religion has nothing to do with it. Her dad is just something that I can’t put in words.

We were going to hang out this weekend after not hanging out or spending time with each other after maybe almost a month. She told her father a week before and then he decides to make a BBQ on and at the same time we were going to go out.

God I hate him. I don’t like him. At all. Can you tell? I don’t want to deal with him, I didn’t. So I didn’t go. Now my girlfriend is all sad and what not because of it. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything involving her anymore.

I just want this to end. I want it over. This relationship has only hurt me more than anything else. More then make me happy. I’ve cried buckets, I’ve been in agony. All this leading to a point of feeling absolutely nothing.

If the situation was different. If her dad wasn’t such an A hole. If she has more liberty. Maybe if she even showed a little more interest in me. But no. This has to end before it ends me.

That’s Business

It’s a crazy thing to say that I’d rather be at home with a back injury then at work in perfect physical shape.

But that’s how it is unfortunately. The place where I work at is getting insanely demanding. No one wants to work there. Just two days ago I spoke with three coworkers about how much they think of quitting. The only reason they don’t? They need the money.

It didn’t used to be like this. I mean everyone is allowed to hate their job once in a while. It’s stressful, demanding, and sometimes the people make it worse. But more than often those little hurtles smooth out. And sometimes they don’t.

I work in a distribution facility. Nothing fancy. Just auto parts that are distributed to the major auto parts stores across the world. Including some small mom and pop shops.

We used to be one company, but then we’re bought out by a 60 billion dollar company. The name was recently changed, and of course I’m not going to divulge that information. But the company sucks.

Everyone is tense. Everyone is over worked. And everyone is fed up with the amount of rules and regulations that have been put in place in the past couple of months. I’m a lead at those warehouse, so I’ve gone to a couple of management meetings. Guess what? Everyone’s just a number.

I know a lot of you will be like yeah that’s business. Does it have to be that way though? They’re trying to get very last minute out of people for better production, every last breathe, sweat, and tears out of them.

Maybe I’m in the wrong, as I read this post over, I figure that all jobs are liek this? They pay you little but get the most out of you. In the end numbers are what matter, not you.

Study Myself

I’m trying to cope with my anxiety. I’ve been studying myself lately. Others would call it over thinking but that’s neither here nor there.

Any who, this morning I barley made it out of bed. I woke up, looked at my phone and slowly considered all the possibilities and outcomes of me not actually showing up to work. Some how they all waded up with the world collapsing or a total apocalyptic nightmare.

I know, a little too much. But hey, that’s me. I eventually got up and made it to work. I reminisced on my favorite moments form last year. Dang, I was crazy. How did I do those things? Social little butterfly I was. No, I was a monstrous huge mosquito. Then I looked at all the times I felt down or depressed. What led me there? What led me to be better? I know I’m not bipolar. At least I don’t think I am. I hope not.

But for sure I have some type of thing that’s wrong with me. Who knows. But I’ve noticed a certain pattern in the last couple of years. I go from being a little tiny ant hiding under rocks and blending in with the crowd. Then, suddenly, I’m the center of attention. I’m everywhere. In every post on every picture on all social media. Ok, maybe not like that but you get me?

So like I said I see a pattern, do I know what it means? Hell no. Just know that there’s one there. If I go back and check on my blog posts it’s also clearly there to see as well. So what’s next? Maybe I need to study myself more. Evaluate Me. See who I am. Even though I thought I really already knew myself I guess there’s more to me then I knew.

What Doesn’t Kill You… Will Come Back Again And Again To Try To Kill You Every Time You Beat It

Self harm has never been easy for me to talk about. Even though I have talked about it on here before, it’s not and easy topic or an and everyday thing to speak about.

I’ve had a really long relationship with self harming. It’s different for everyone. It had been a little over a year since the last time this accrued. But it did. It has.

I don’t like talking about this. I don’t like even mentioning it. I hide it. Keep it covered. No one can know no one can find out.

My best friend yesterday finally broke through that wall. Everything seemed ok, everything was, or at least that’s how I usually play it as. Until he saw through it for the first time.

I told him. I don’t know why. I don’t even know how. But I did. Today when I woke up, I felt a wave of regret. Why did I tell him? He wouldn’t care. He doesn’t need to know, this isn’t his problem. Embarrassing, humiliating, and pathetic problem. Is he even going to want to still be friends?

So many thoughts went through my mind. But it was different. He listened. He was there. And he offered to help. Just thinking about it now makes me ball out with tears.

I like to say I’m strong. That I can do it all. And many people have told me that that’s what they see in me. Because that’s what I let them see. But there’s way more. I didn’t think I’d come back to this situation I’m in again. I thought this was all done with. It was all over. The whole “what doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger”, but it’s not like that. It’s more of a What doesn’t kill you, will come back again and again and try to kill you every time you beat it.

There’s a song that really gets to me every time I listen to it. Maybe it’s cheesy, maybe its too something something, but the message in it is what I relate to.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why
I do it every, every, every time
It’s only when I’m lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave
And I don’t wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I’m lonely

I’m sorry that I’m here again
I promise I’ll get help
It wasn’t my intention
I’m sorry to myself

-Demi Lovato

She Will

Its happening again.

 

Well, not technically yet but it is. Two weeks ago when my mom was getting her regular check up from her oncologist she found something that was not supposed to be normal. So these past few weeks ever since then we’ve been going back and forth to the hospital to get her checked out.

 

First was and ultrasound to see if there was actually something in there. And there was, or is. The doctor says that it mat just be scar tissue from the mastectomy and the reconstruction but she doesn’t want to just be guessing. She wants to be sure, and plus, it’s better to catch it sooner than later. Also, it will help us sleep at night knowing that everything is ok.

 

Then, just a couple of days ago she went through a biopsy to extract part of that tissue. They took two samples and my mom said it didn’t hurt like the first time they did it a couple of years ago. I can tell that my mom isn’t that worried but still this isn’t how a human should be living. Always getting check ups, always at the doctor. But still, through this all my mother is strong and she is brave and she is getting through this. And she will.

Over Protective

I’ve had relationships that have lasted less then two weeks but felt like years. I’ve had long distance relationships, and I’ve had relationships that I didn’t even want to be in. But the one I’m in right now is by far the one that beats the rest on so many levels.

This thing that I have going right now is insane. First I had issues with her expressing herself the way I wanted her too. For me that was a deal breaker, but I stayed. I really liked her, even still. But now this, her family getting involved. A little too over involved.

Ok, I get it. Sometimes the family likes to get involved when their daughter or sister is dating the new guy. I’d understand if they didn’t know who I was, or didn’t even know my mom. But they know her and they know me. What more do they want from me? I treat her well, I am respectful towards her, and I don’t ask if her anything that is inappropriate.

Her father is very over possessive. I’ve actually never seen a father like this. The girl is twenty and still needs permission to leave the house. She still has a curfew and technically can’t leave the city without her parents. This irritates me to the core!

Her mother told her today that she’d like for her to text me less, call me less, and see me less. Um hello? How the hell are we supposed to date? Let alone get to know each other? Can a parent explain? I treat her parents with the up most respect that my bones can handle and they still find me untrustworthy.

I wanted this to work, I thought it was, and she was finally putting her part into making it work too. But now her parents are getting in the way. Am I doing something wrong? Why are they so over protective? Am I the issue here? I’m a magnet that attracts problems in what ever I do.

2

I am no professional blogger. I’m not even a professional writer. Sometimes I miss spell words or either do not use the correct ones. I hope everyone understands what I try to say though. Although writing and reading are my most favorite things to do that doesn’t mean I’m good at them.

Two weeks ago marked two years I’ve had this blog. Two years I’ve been writing and spilling all my feelings for everyone on the internet to see. Two years that I’ve had ups and downs and written about them. My good days and bad days. All my flings and romances and even current relationships. Everything. The best way to get to know the real me would be reading my blog.

This post also marks my 200th post. For me that’s a huge milestone. But also, just to think that I’ve written that many posts, or in general said so many things, so many words and letters. It’s like an accomplishment. I’ve tried having a blog before and it never worked out. But this time, for some reason, I’ve been here.

I was going to write a post about what I’ve learned from blogging or of blogging. But, if I’m honest here, I haven’t learned much. I don’t see this place as a place to get views or followers. Sure having people that will read what you right is great! But that’s not why I do what I do. I’ve learned more about myself on this blog and I have to give thanks to it for that.

For example, I’ve learned that I’m a person who likes to express their feelings. And it’s totally fine! If you don’t express yourself, this feelings get bottled up and will eventually burst out, and sometimes you can’t control or handle the way they do. And maybe you knew that, but I didn’t.

Another thing that’s been really close to my heart that I’ve learned from this blog is that there are people out there that feel the same way as I do. Sure, you knew that , but I didn’t. We live life really blinded thinking that our situation is the only one on the planet. That’s not true, maybe there are people else where going through something that is similar to you. I’ve learned that through my readers comments and I appreciate every single one. Thank you.

I honestly do wish I would have started this blog way long ago. It would have helped me in so many ways. But I’m very great full I have it now.

Love, Affection, And Attention

I had a talk with my girlfriend just some hours ago about her showing more affection in our relationship. I’m not pushing her to do anything physical, all I’m asking is for her to tell me how she feels. I want to know if she’s happy or sad or mad or something, anything! Just tell me how you feel!

I’ve mentioned before on how I feel as if I’m dating a rock. And it does honestly make me feel that way. Sure, when we were friends it was fun and I really enjoyed being around her but now that we are in a relationship it’s different, or at least for me it should have been. I thought things would change but I still feel as if I’m just a simple little old friend.

But thanks to her I see what I want in a relationship. I want love, affection, and attention. I want someone who will make me a priority just as I have to them. Someone who wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. I want a connection, I want chemistry. And what I have now is not that.

I told her I don’t want to continue on like this but when she started to cry I caved in and agree to try a little more. And I honestly will. Maybe she does need time, or maybe she needs something else? I’m not sure but I know what I want and she doesn’t.

I’m giving her a month to see what happens. I don’t expect things to change but in the course of our conversation she pretty much explained to me how she doesn’t see herself changing and she really doesn’t need cheesy acts of love in her life and she’s fine with me not doing those things. The problem is I want to do those things and I want those feelings reciprocated like just about anyone else.

Putting it in my head that this isn’t gonna work out will help me leave her for sure this time. And also distancing myself from her little by little bit at the same time being super nice, this will help us heal better and maybe it will be good to just go back to being friends.

My best friend doesn’t want me to end it. He says it can work out, but can it? I don’t know. We have very different view points in many things and as much as I’ve tried to get this going I always seem to have a problem with something. So maybe it’s me? But I won’t use that excuse because I’m always the one compromising.

Anyway those are my thoughts for right now. Of course they can change because usually they do, can’t help but be myself.

You

Why do you do that?

Why do you give yourself to people you know will end up hurting you in the end? Why do you instill all your trust in them as if they had a good reason to have it?

Why do you sit there and cry over things that maybe don’t have any meaning behind. You over think things and make them worse.

Then you come to find out it’s not even what you were thinking about. Why? Why do you do that?

Why do you hurt yourself? Is it for fun or to numb the feelings that you feel inside? Maybe it’s to just pass the time. Why do you hide that hurt like it’s something to be ashamed of?

You’re not ok, why do you bother? Get help. Wait, they don’t help. They’ve tried but it’s not enough. What is enough? Why do you make excuses? Just do it. It’s honestly really annoying. Time after time you always say you’re doing great then randomly say you have anxiety.

Attention is what you seek. Let’s be real. Everyone can see it. It’s written all over your face. You say all you want is love but what you seek is something else.

You need to stop expressing yourself like that. No one wants to hear it anyway. They’re just being nice.

Another relationship you burst into flames because your gasoline tears smothered the foundation of that relationship. I think your bipolar. You shouldn’t date, just stay alone. At least that way you can say it’s by choice and not that your exes say you’re hard to deal with.

But any who, who am I to advise. I’m the same way.