I AM . . .

I have lived a double life for a while. (I am a mess). I go to church. I am a Jehovah Witness. You think you know them. But, you don’t know them well enough. Some rumors are true, others are created in the same room with fairy tales. The point is that I have been in and out of this organization for the past 5 years.

Who am I?

 

I am a God fearing son of a woman who raised two boys all by herself. She isn’t a bad mother, she loves her kids and loves God just as much. I am her son. I have friends in this organization that say they love me. We have history. We have fun, and they have been there for me in my hardest times. I am a good christian, that dated a very nice christian girl but sadly did not work out. I live my life in the eyes of these people as if I am an innocent angel that can do no harm and lives by all the laws of he bible.

I am a rebel and a hypocrite. I partied and drank hours before a church speech. I slept with men right after taking a suit and tie off after coming from a place that told me not to, that it is sin, and not what I was meant to do. I have friends out side of church that I love to death but am told no to speak to.

I am confused. Who am I? All my life I thought I was different. I felt something was not  ok. I never belonged. Up until last year I thought I was gay. I denied it at the start. I tried to change and it didn’t work. So why did I end up falling in love with a girl? Why did I have such a fond of being with her? When at the same time I saw guys the same way? Why? What do I want then? Who do I want? Who am I going to be?

I am a liar. I lie. I lie a lot. I lie to my best friend and tell him that he is the only one I talk to. That he need not worry about me, that I am not talking to anyone out of our religion. I lie to my mother when I go out with the “none believers”. I lie when I’m asked if I am ok. I lie to cover up past lies and lies to come. I lie to myself. I lie so much, I start to believe what I am saying is the truth, but I can’t find the truth.

I am messed up. I am an emotional mess. One week I am out of the universe happy, and the next colder than the dark. I will be the most bad ass confident person you will ever meet. I will also be the most quietest, shiest, hands-in-pocket young boy in the world. At times small things can trigger me to jump without thinking, other times the most serious things in life can’t even make me flinch.

I am scared. I don’t want to disappoint my mother. She is my everything. If she is not happy, I will not be happy. What will people say when they find out? If they do? What will they think? What will I do? Who will I run to? I will lose it all. Everything I lied so hard to keep. All those years. Will my none religious friends even want me? What if they feel resentment towards me for only running to them when I need them? Only when I don’t have any where else to turn to? Will they help? Will they be there? What if I am left on my own, what if I can’t find a way out? If I get trapped in my head? What if I can’t take it all? Then? Now? What if I make a mistake that will cost me everything?

2 thoughts on “I AM . . .

  1. It’s very hard when your religion tells you that everything you can’t help feeling is something that is bad. It is part of why I pulled out of organized religion. I have a really hard time believing God frowns upon homosexuality. My daughter is bisexual. And if she ain’t going to heaven for it, then I don’t want to go either.

    You have a lot going on. And it’s hard to get out of your head sometimes to gain perspective. If you ever need to talk to someone who is a perfect stranger, you can always email me. CrystalCzeck85@gmail.com or if you do the Facebook thing, you can hit me up on messenger under that first and last name.

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