I’m Falling Again

We need to talk. Out of all the things that are going on in my life right now, this is the main focus and this is what we’re going to be talking about.

I’ve been really going mentally crazy to some everything up. I’ve been here and I’ve been there and I even went a little but of everywhere in the last couple of months. I’ve been going nuts. Off the wall. Loco. But just recently when I started doing what made me happy is when things seem to go back into their place.

I told myself I would never go back to a dating app. I told myself I would never date another guy again. I told my self I was done with drinking. I told myself and basically everyone who I knew that I was no longer going to be going to clubs, the old Peter had died, and now I was a saint.

The lie detector determined that, that was a lie. He’s back. He’s back for reals this times this time he’s going to bloom and go out there and finally get what he wants. (I hope).

About a week or so I downloaded tinder. Why? Because I was curious to see what would happen. I never opened it as much as I thought I was going to, which was a good sign. Until I got matched up with someone.

I saw his bio, I liked it and swiped. Matched. I sent him a message and then ghosted him for a day because, again, I wasn’t on the app like I thought I would be. But, I thought, he seems like a good guy let me give it a try.

I message him and we end up talking for about four hours. Message after message, no breaks no pauses. Talking, getting to know each other. He’s a cool guy I thought might as well keep it going and keep it polite.

I continue talking to him the next day as we speak about what we will be doing during the weekend. He said he was going to a club I’ve only heard of but never went to. We move on in our conversation until later on he asks if I want to go with him and his friends. This is where the story gets interesting.

After telling everyone that I wasn’t going to drink, I wasn’t going to go clubbing, and that I wasn’t going to date, I did just the opposite. I though to myself, should I say no and just end this now? What am I even doing? I know shouldn’t be doing this stuff. But then I also thought, you know what? I’m going to be spontaneous. In the movies it always goes well and it’s super fun and good things come out if it so let’s do it! (I know, I’m crazy).

I told a friend to go with me and he did. I was meeting a guy I’d only been talking to for maybe a day. Was it too soon? Hell yes. Do I regret it? Hell no.

We got to the club and we met up. We all introduced each other and as you would except it was awkward as hell. We already had anticipated that since we never actually met before.

The music was extremely loud, there was fake fog, and there were people constantly bumping into each other. Not the best place to conversate. But we managed after buying some drinks.

The night went by pretty fast. To make matters more interesting, his ex was there. Great. I thought I was going to have to get into a fight. But nothing happened. The first time you meet someone is not the best time to talk about your past lovers but he told me what happened to them. I listened because I’m good at that. I heard all his baggage. He has a lot. Which is fine I don’t mind.

The issue I’m having is, I like him. I like him a lot. I see this happen to myself so many times. I meet someone, I like them, and then I cant get enough of them. I want to spend time with them, I want to be around them, I want them. The issue is, will they want/like me back?

I don’t want to get my heart broken again. It’s happened too many times. But at the same time I want to dive in and let myself fall.

So what’s going to happen?

5 thoughts on “I’m Falling Again

  1. I’m the same way, when I like someone I just want to be with them and talk to them all the time. It’s sooo tough because I don’t want to seem needy or obsessed and I’m terrified they don’t feel the same way. I hope everything turns out well!


  2. You don’t have to be a saint to be a good person. You can date men, you can go to the club, you can drink (in moderation) and still live a great life. I think the perceived religious notion (at least how it was for me when I belonged to an organized religion) is that if you aren’t Godly at all times, you aren’t worthy of His love. Pardon my French, but that’s horseshit on the highest level.

    Have fun, be safe, and play it cool with this guy. Don’t be too standoffish so as not to show any interest, but don’t be the clingy girl that won’t allow him to breathe his own air. If you’re interested in him, let him know, and then let him make the next move. I have found that people who mutually connect, tend to want to be around each other as much as possible. Six years into my relationship (three of those years marriage) it is still very much true for my husband and I. He is my best friend, and I am his. There is never a time on this planet that I don’t want to be around him.

    Good luck!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “I heard all his baggage. He has a lot. Which is fine I don’t mind.”

    Some life advice that I wish I was given when I first started talking with gay men online was to take a step back in order to recognize the red flags that I was not able to see due to me being so “into” a person.

    Meeting at a club limits the ability to truly get to know someone and him talking about his ex means suggests that there are feelings still lingering around that he may not be over.

    You are worthy of being in a happy relationship. I know my words may fall on deaf ears, but I am merely giving my input and wishing you a positive journey in your pursuit of finding love.


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