Don’t you hate it when you make up your mind on something, you are (or you think you are) sure about the way you feel, and then something happens and then bam! You’re like, oh, ok. I didn’t know that was lodged up in there like that, thanks heart. Next thing you know you’re flooded with all these emotions all these feelings you thought you were over with. But they’re there, they’re real.
I saw my ex girlfriend today. I texted her on Wednesday that I needed to see her. I’m not really sure what came over me that I needed to speak to her. I needed to tell her what was going on. I needed her to move on from what ever it is she was still feeling for me. Just like I thought I had.
When I saw her today. When I saw her walk in through the door. I couldn’t help but smile. I couldn’t help but think of all the good times we had together. I couldn’t help but think of how she smelled, how she laughed, how she felt when she wrapped her arms around me.
She is beautiful. Like a warm and calming sunset.
She sat down. I immediately wanted to hold her hands like old times. It was like an instinct. I had to stop myself.
She smiled back at me like nothing ever happened. As if I hadn’t broken her heart. As if I was still her hero. As if she didn’t cry every night because we weren’t together.
We talked. Almost for two hours. It felt like 20 minutes. I told her how I felt. I told her I didn’t think this religion was for me. I told her why. I told her everything except about my sexuality.
I held that in. Like the dirty clothes you hide away from visitors. How can I tell her something I don’t even know myself? I told her I was very confused. I told her I didn’t know who I was supposed to be.
I have millions of people telling me to be someone and other millions telling me to be someone else. I can’t even hear my thoughts.
She said she understood what I was trying to say. She said it was ok for me to feel that way. My feelings are valid. I can feel this way.
I missed her. I really missed her.
The way her curly hair fell effortlessly on her shoulders. The way she smiled at my lame dad jokes. The way her eyes stood on mine when we talked.
We hugged when we left. It was a hug that we both needed.
I don’t know what I want. I don’t know who I am anymore. What I am. I am trying to be the happiest I can be. But this shit it hard.
We said we would keep in touch. I like that. I don’t want her out of my life.
I want to be with her.
I said it.