I Will Do This

A while ago I told myself I was going to use the time I have right now to write a book. A book based on what I have gone through the past few years. From my sexuality to living a double life while being in a religion like cult. Both of those things still go in hand to hand and still to this day are something I am still coming to terms with.

The thing is, I wasn’t aware that it was something that was so complex. I was watching videos and I also read articles about the processes on how to write a memoir. It’s not an easy process.

I don’t want to give up though. I know that sometimes I can get discouraged very early on in the things that I want to do, but I feel the need to do this. I want to do it first of all for myself.

I have to be really honest here. I am really troubled towards where to even start. I want to tell my story and I want to be as honest as I can be. I want the truth to get out there. I want people to read and feel what I have been through. I want to document all my mistakes that I made. I know that it is my side of the story and its everything that has happened to me but that doesn’t make me any more of a saint or innocent. I made really poor decision in the past too and I want to write about those and maybe someone can learn from them just as I have learned.

The issue is where do I even start? How do I even start? What do I need to talk about? This is the first time I want to do some thing this big. What if no on wants to read it?

I over think way to much. We know that, but right now that I have the opportunity and time to do this I want to take advantage of it.

The only experience I have in writing is this blog that I have had for almost three years. Writing is my passion and I know that I am not the best of it, but maybe some day I will be.

But, I’ll do it. I will do this.

Could We Still Have A Friendship?

I just came back from seeing an old (church) friend that I haven’t seen in a long while. I don’t know how to feel about it.

I miss him. I kind of sort of miss everyone, well not everyone but some. I miss their personalities and their companionship. This friend and I were super close when I was a Jehovah Witness. He was the first one that I told that I was leaving the religion. At the time I told him our relationship wasn’t at its best. Yes, I was mad at him, and yes, I held that grudge for so long.

 

It was nice seeing him again. Talking like there was nothing wrong between us. There really isn’t. I don’t hold anything against him. I don’t. I hope he doesn’t either. We went out to eat and we talked. Laughed. Caught up on things that have gone on in our lives since the last time I saw him. He’s doing well.

He didn’t bring up the subject of religion. He didn’t ask me what I was going to do. I appreciate that. Does it make me a fool to believe we could still have a friendship? Knowing very well that we do not belong to the same religion? That we don’t believe the same things? Or maybe this is an attempt to get me back in there? What if he’s being nice to me in order for me to see that its not all bad? What if that was my Girlfriends plan all along? My mother has been increasingly nice to me. And just this morning my GF’s mom wanted to have lunch with me to “talk”. Am I now just paranoid?

Is this all just a game to everyone? My feelings are all over the place and I don’t even know what to think. First I want to believe that everyone genuinely misses me and wants to be part of my life like they once were. Another part of me looks past all this and looks beyond their kindness and knows that they are trained by their religion to be kind to those who have strayed away in hopes that they will go back. Maybe its a little of both?

I think will my emotion and right now I have a lot of them so I don’t know what to think. All these people say they want the best for me but when I tell them that the best for me is not going back they still insist on me returning.

This is confusing the shit out of me. I don’t like getting ambushed like this.

I feel like I’m complaining that they are being nice to me. I am. If they were rude or disrespectful to me then it would be way easier to pick what side I want to be on. But that’s why this is such a mind game, because they are this way.

Fuck.

 

 

Taking The Horse To The Water

Yesterday was a day, let me tell you.

My girlfriend had been acting weird all weekend. Well, not weird per say, different. Have you ever been so close to someone that you even know what tone of voice they text in? That you pick up real quick when they aren’t texting how they usually text. Well, yeah, her tone in voice changed while we messaged each other over the weekend. I really didn’t know what was going on until she told me she needed to talk to me.

At first it was pretty normal. Ok, not normal. She said she felt alone. I tried to understand her since she did move into a new place away from her family all on her own. I have been going over almost every single day after she was off work, if we didn’t see each other then we would go out to eat. So I was trying to understand why she felt that way. But that wasn’t the actual reason as to why she was feeling that way.

There was a get together for her church (Jehovah Witness) on Saturday. One of the members is moving and they made her a little going away party. I knew about it since my mom went also. I was invited to go by my GF because she said that it wasn’t religion related and she knows I don’t want any part of it. But still. everyone there formed part of the religion I didn’t want to be part of, not to mention all the question I would get since of my recent disappearance from that organization.

What was bothering her? She said she felt lonely there because I wasn’t there by her side. She explained to me how nice it would have been if we could have spent all that time together with everyone else. She said she didn’t want to be married and be at church by herself, that she didn’t want me to be sitting on the couch saying “take care” as she left for church every Sunday. Then I finally understood why she felt the way she felt.

I knew this was going to be an issue from the very beginning. Religion. God Dammit. For reals. Before we decided to get back together I specifically told her that I wasn’t gong to go back to the religion. I told her that I didn’t want any part of it, and if she still wanted to be with me than that was cool but she was the one that was going to suffer if she thought other wise.

I told her that she was allowed to feel that way. Her feelings are super valid, I’m not saying shes wrong. But she can not put the blame on me leading her on or thinking that by being with her I was going to go back. I also told her that if that’s the way she thought that this was not going to work out.

I can’t be the person she wants/needs me to be. She wants someone to pray with her, she wants someone to be as spiritual and close to God as her, but that is not me. I told her that, that person is gone. He was never real, and being that person hurt me so much. I feel so good right now. I have no reason to go back. Why would I go back to a place where all I felt was pressure and manipulation, not to mention how used I always felt.

I was very transparent when we first talked about getting back together. I really like her. Aside from being super religious shes one of the most humble, noble, and beautiful girls I have ever met. Of course I want to be with her. But I also want her to be happy, and if I can’t provide what she is looking for then she has to suffer a minor heartbreak now so then later in life she can find some one who can give her what she really wants.

Because there is no way I am going back to that religion. I know that I change my mind a lot, I know that I go back on a lot of things that I say. And maybe one day I will go back, who knows? But right now, at this moment, I can even say that for the rest of the year, I have no plans of going back.

In the end, after I told her all that I could, she said that she still wanted to be with me. But she was still going to nudge me to go back. That’s fair. If that’s what she wants to do that’s find. But like I told her, you can’t make anyone believe anything you believe if they don’t want to believe it.

You can take the horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink. Shit, you can fucking bring the water to the horse, you still can’t make him drink.

I Grew Up In A Cult

Picture yourself as a little kid. What is the best thing about being a kid? When you look back on your childhood what do you see? Do you see yourself having friends? Playing with them after school? Maybe you remember all your birthdays, or even the holidays when your family members would get together and enjoy the time spent with one another. Maybe back then all that you noticed was all the food on the table that you always longed for. If you didn’t get the chance to enjoy all of these things maybe you had a more simpler life, but you still had the freedom of being a kid.

I didn’t. I lost the opportunity of having the childhood I always wanted.

I never got the chance to celebrate Christmas, Halloween, or any other holiday. I never even had a birthday party. I barley had any friends. All this only because I was in a ‘religion’ but actually, it was in a Cult.

When I was a kid at school I loved being part of the festivities. They seemed fun and exciting and everyone was having fun. I tried my best to fit in. But as soon as I would get home all that had to stop. I lived a double life for most of my life. In school I was someone and at home I was the best Christian anyone could ever meet.

My mother has been a Jehovah Witness ever since I remember. I think she has always been, even before I was born. She still is one today. I grew up as one and I can say that it really fucked me up. I love my mother and I know all she wants for me is the best. The thing about cults is that some times you don’t even know you are in one. I actually never saw it as a cult and I was mad at God for it for so long, but now I see a lot better.

People think that cults are defined by being organizations that only cause external harm, they do riots, or they just represent nothing but evil. But that’s all wrong. I have been doing a lot of investigation on cults lately for my own good.

Cults are any organization that teaches their members to devote or even give their own life for that organization. They will manipulate their members into thinking they are doing good when in fact the organization has other plans in place. They will instill fear and guilt into their members to keep them inside and keep them doing all the rules that they themselves have set up.

In the JW world you can not be friends with anyone that is outside of the religion. Their thinking is, why would you be friends with someone who doesn’t believe the same things as you? Or, why would you be friends with a person who does not live their life the way you do? But in fact, what they are doing is keeping their members isolated from the rest of the world, this keeps them “in side”.

Another thing that identifies them as a cult is the fact that they have the policy of shunning. A lot of other religions and cults have this rule. It is not biblical. I have heard a lot about the text in the bible that says you are not supposed to sit with men who fornicate or do what’s wrong. Yes, I understand that. People make mistakes, but didn’t Jesus sit with them when he first started preaching? (Sorry to get all biblical). But he wanted to help them. How does one help someone when they are shunned? It only causes so much physiological damage.

A little more into the shunning, because it is a big deal. Imagine all of your family members are in this religion with you and you decide that maybe it just inst right for you. If you decide to leave, you better be aware that when and if you do, everyone that you love and all of your family members that are in this so called religion will stop communication with you. If they see you in the street at the store or even at a gas station they will go out of their way to leave as fast as they can. Because you are now considered an obscenity. If you need help, you wont get it. They will not answer your calls, they will not let you in their homes any more. You are dead to them. That is what they do. That is what they are told to do.

I ask, why? For the sole purpose of getting you back to the religion? They want you to feel so left out. They want you to feel like you don’t have anyone on your side. They want to make you feel alone, left for dead. They want you to feel like everything was taken away from you for not being part of the religion. All this in hopes that you will go back.

I’m sorry, I thought that religion consisted of a person loving God and wanting to get closer to Him, or wanted to be saved. That’s what I think religion is. So what does this sound like? A Cult. This is a form of manipulation. Oh, you want to leave the religion? Ok, make sure that you really want to because you will never get to see your family or friends again. People have committed suicide because of this! They have taken their own lives because they had everything taken away from them because an organization took their family members away only because they didn’t want to be part of that Cult anymore.

They don’t believe in education. They think it is a waste of time. If someone wants to go to college or university they look down upon you and say that you are being greedy and not giving your all to God. I read somewhere that what they really don’t want is for you to do is open your eyes, because while being in school you might figure out that you are in a cult. Plus, you will be surrounded by classmates that may persuade you to leave the organization, or worse, they might want to be your friend.

The funny thing is that they always insist on donating money as much as you can. How can someone possibly have a good living and still donate to a church like this? They make people feel guilty when they don’t donate money. They always bring up that old lady in the bible who donated all she had. There is a famous you tube video on one of the leaders of JW advising little kids that their “ice cream” money is better off being donated to the organization, and if they actually want to please God they will give their money to them. That takes, taking candy from a baby, to a whole new level right?

If its a religion why do they need so much money? Well, its for all the lawsuits they have going on over child sex abuse. Millions and millions of dollars are being paid out to these family members who are finally getting justice.

Why did they sue? Let me explain because it gets dicey. In this religion, when you have an issue, what ever it may be, you have to speak to the elders. Let me give an example, and in no way do I want to undermined child sex abuse because it is a big thing but this is only for the purpose that you understand.

Lets say I’m hanging out with a good friend, but this friend starts insulting me and saying things that aren’t true about me and other people and it starts to become offensive and cruel. I am mad and I tell the elders in the church (because in the church you are instructed that when you have an issue with someone you have to talk it out with the elders). I meet with two of them. They are very understanding and comforting. They hear me out. But in the end they ask one dumb question. Was there another person there who saw this? Why do they ask this? Because they have a “two people rule”. If something wrongfully was done to someone and that someone stands up and says something but does not have a second witness they will dismiss it. They wont even acknowledge it. SO because no one else heard this friend of mine say those things then that means that it didn’t happen and it just means that I was out to get him in trouble. Then there is a pin on me because I made a “false” accusation towards a fellow brother. Specially if he has a special role in church like a Servant or an Elder. They are going to believe them more.

That is what is happening all around the world in these congregations. In this Religion. Kids are coming forward and talking to these so called elders and they don’t do anything because of their stupid rules.

The elders are not allowed to call the police. They are instructed not to by the organization. They can not get involved with the law, they can only take care of “their own flock”.

One more thing before I go. If you are in this Cult and you have questions about it. You can do your research and investigations, but you can only use JW publications or only articles published by The Watchtower, which is part of JW. You can not go online and look for any outside information about the JW world. Why? They are scared you might find the actual truth. If they claim to have the truth why are they so scared to let their members just prove themselves wrong? Its exactly when your parents say, “because I said so.” Hmm, that’s not really convincing isn’t it?

I know I might have not even made any sense in this post with all the information I gave, but if you decide to take anything away from this, it is that you should be careful to what you are a part of. I’m not saying just the Jehovah Witness organization, I mean in all aspects. Research before you join something. Make sure that you get your sources from many different sources not just one, not just the one that they tell you too. Get opinions, ask around. Always get all the sides of the story, as many sides as you can.

And most importantly.

Be careful.

My Weight Loss Summer Journey

Three months ago I wrote a post about how unhealthy and fat I was feeling. Here I am now in the present, today. Living a healthy life. Well, trying to, if I’m being honest.

I have lost about 25 pounds (if not more, not to flex or anything LOL). In the pictures maybe you can notice but I did lose a lot. I am proud of myself. It took a lot of hard work and a lot of self control.

At first it was extremely hard. I remember I was eating out for lunch almost every single day. When I say eating I mean EATING. Every day it I felt like I could eat more and more. There was actually times when I would eat and still feel as if I had more room in my stomach. I would also go for the biggest things.  I thought, the bigger the deal, the more I’m getting for my money. But in reality, my health was going down hill and the only thing that was getting bigger was my waist.

SO, going from burgers every single day to a salad was not easy. But I slowly transitioned. Soon I was eating a salad every day for lunch. I switched my coffee in the mornings to tea (even though I went back to coffee later on, but shhhh we don’t talk about that). I tried to cut out carbs from my diet as much as I could, but not completely, I mean c’mon I’m not a sociopath.

Then I started going for a walk at my local park. ALONE. Yes, people need motivation and support, but there’s something about just walking alone, in your thoughts, with your music hitting your eardrums like a hammer on a nail.

My walk progressed to a slow jog and now I can run for a good while. At the beginning it was very difficult to see results. But looking back now, I see how I (slowly) progressed. I just had to keep at it.

I am very proud of my weight loss. I think that I am in the best shape of my life. I know I am not in the best shape in general, but still I feel great. I do have some concerns though. Well, mostly just one.

Gaining all my weight back. How would I? Two reasons. I have really bad shin splints, and I’m taking Lexapro.

If you don’t know what shin splints are then your are one lucky son of a duck. They suck and they are hard to get rid of. Basically its a sharp pain that affects the shin area of your leg. It can occur for many reasons. Flat feet, uneven surfaces that you may walk on, bad running habits, or increasing the amount of your training too rapidly before your muscles can get a chance to grow and adapt. I feel that I got them for all those reasons and more. If I can’t walk, job, or run, I am scared I’ll gain all the weight back and more.

Lexapro. If you didn’t know, I have anxiety. (One of my many wonderful character traits). A lot of it, if I could give it away or throw it out I would but sadly I can’t so here we are. I take this med to help with it. I have been taking it for about a week now. I haven’t noticed many, or if any, changes. The doctor said I would in about 3 to 4 weeks. That’s not my issue though. One of the side effects is weight gain. I’m already concerned about my shins, now this. Great. Or maybe its just my anxiety trying to get the best out of me before the med hits.

I want to get a gym membership to use other equipment that wont be too hard on my legs. But then I wimp out. I also thought of getting a bike. But then I remember that people in this dumb town don’t lock up their dogs and they chew people up in the street on the daily. Lovely.

SO, in the mean time I’ll just take it easy and try to eat as healthy as I possibly can. Ugh.

*Sips venti Starbucks Frappuccino*

I’m Ready To Get My Education On

So it has happened. (Is that even correct grammar?).

*Drum roll*

I know this isn’t as exciting for you as it is for me, but why don’t you just let me enjoy this moment as long as I can. That’s a statement not a question by the way.

News: I got in school. 

I am so excited! I know people don’t usually get excited for school but I’m ready to get my education on. I think it was about two days ago that I was called by my career coach from the unemployment offices that I was approved to be financially covered for school.

Without this help I wouldn’t have been able to go back. Actually, untrue. I still would have gone. But I would have gotten in grave debt. I need this education. Even though its not your IV league school or a degree that will get me the most well paid job. Still, for me its something big. Its education nonetheless.

I value education. I just never had the opportunity to get it. I know that sounds like, oh sure, everyone can get an education you probably didn’t try hard enough to get it. Lies. Sometimes you just can’t go to school. For what ever the reason is. Its just not the right time, maybe you have to be the provider for your family, or other reasons, and that’s ok.

I’m so very great full that I was able to get this opportunity. I will try my best to make the most of it.

I’m ready, I’m excited.

Busy Beaver

What a busy Monday.

I haven’t been a little busy beaver in a while. It was a good busy though, not the rip-your-hair-out-make-it-stop type of busy. I had my moments of frustration, yes, and I am currently starving because I have been up and around all day, but aside from that. For breakfast I only ate a sandwich with a turkey patty my mom had cooked in the ungodly morning hours she woke up at. I’ll have to go buy me a burger as a prize for the good boy I have been today. That sentence is all types of wrong.

Anyway, I went to the unemployment office in another city in the morning. The one that is closest to me gave me an appointment for the beginning of September. SEPTEMBER. No. Just no. I need to get things moving. I called the one that was a city over and they said they took walk ins. Perfect.

Funny thing is that I didn’t have everything I needed. But the 45 minute drive was nice. Belting out a good song or 20 while watching the cows on the side of the road is pretty therapeutic. I hope I didn’t scare any.

I had to drive back to town and get the info I needed from home. I also had to print some documents out at the library since I don’t have a printer at home. Soon I was headed back to the unemployment offices and the cows had no other option than see me zoom by.

Everything seemed to be going well, perfect I’d say. But that’s always how it seems. There was a mistake on one of the documents that my school had provided me. So I also had to go back to school and have them change it.

Guess what? They already had. It was no ones fault actually. The information was taken from a government website that both the EDD office and the school use. It was just having a glitch. The person who could fix my paper work had already left for the day, but the people at the school really tried their best to help. Even the vice principal came out of her office and spoke to my career coach.

Did I explain why I needed to do all this? No huh? It’s all ramble and nonsense. Uh, well, so I don’t quality for financial aid from the federal government. But since I am unemployed they have benefits that can pay for my school. And today I almost did the impossible for that to happen, but as they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day. It was built in two. SO, I have the rest of tomorrow to get all this paperwork situated.

I also had to write an essay on why I needed the financial help and how it was going to help me. All this seems boring and trust me it was somewhat, that’s why I needed to get it done. Plus, school starts in two weeks and I need to have everything ready in time.

If I don’t get approved for what ever weird reason, or if the universe decides it would be a nice little joke, I will have a meltdown.

Severe Anxiety With A Sprinkle Of Depression

I finally saw a therapist.

Yes a real one. Not the one I made up in my head a couple months ago. Although, I’d say that session with myself did rather go pretty well.

Anyways, It was different. Last year I saw a counselor at my local doctors office that my doctor had recommended me. I went for maybe about three weeks but for some random reason I never went back.

This time I didn’t want a counselor. I wanted someone, I’d say, with a little more experience and expertise. And I was able to find one.

I took a test at the beginning, which was random, but it was mostly about how I was feeling, what I was going through, and other random question about my days to day.

Then we went over it and the therapist asked me to go more in-depth on why I felt the way I felt. It’s not easy to talk about things with a total stranger but I really didn’t have anything to lose, so I let my mouth run, and boy did it ever.

In the end, she finally told me what I had. She said I have severe anxiety with a little sprinkle of depression. Well isn’t that cute? Those weren’t words but it sounds less scary that way for me.

She asked me about medication and if I was willing to take any. In my head I’ve always told myself I didn’t need any. I’m fine. I don’t want to be crazy and taking pills all the time. I see on tv all these people going bonkers because they take pills, or hear how people hate taking them.

I told her that I was worried in doing so but if it helped, then I was willing to try. She told me that mental health issues depicted on TV are taken to the extreme and are not that accurate.

I’m starting off with this one med that I don’t really know the name of [it’s at the pharmacy still because I’m still nervous to take it. (Side note: isn’t it ironic that my own anxiety is stopping from taking anxiety medication for my anxiety? I just thought that was funny)].

She told me all the benefits of what she prescribed, and all the side effects. Also, she said that not every medication is meant for everyone so we might have to see what works for me. She gave me her contact info to keep her updated since according to her the first few weeks were critical.

So that along with something called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) that I should see improvements, but things don’t happen over night. With due time. But for that to happen I have to start taking the meds.

I hope they help, I hope all this helps.

My Priority

Relationships are hard to maintain. I’m talking about all of them. Not just romantic ones.

My friend group mainly consists of females. I have a couple of guy friends here and there and if I was going out I would mainly choose them. With my female friends we usually see each other in groups and don’t text every single day. I love them and even though we only see each other at least once a month we all know that we are there for each other and we still have that strong bond of friendship there between us.

Now that I am dating, a female, I should add. This sort of has to change. My time is more for my girlfriend now. I’m not saying I’ll forget my friends. I’m just saying that if my GF would like to hang out and do something, she is now my main priority. Its not like we’ve been dating for just some weeks. I’ve known her for years and I have been dating her on and off for almost a year now.

I understand how this could leave my other friends feeling with a sense of abandonment. Here I am always at my friends feet ready for what ever they need, always available for what ever event they have planned. Want to go out and grab a bite? Sure I’m there. But now its different. I don’t walk alone. I have a significant other I have to think of. If I feel the relationship is going somewhere I am the type of person to invest even more time in that relationship.

She is the same. Her friend group mostly consists of guys. One of the things that I really like about her is that she gets along with every one, but very girly girls seem to get on her nervous. Plus she’s more out doors too, and active. So she has a lot of guy friends.

When we started dating the first time back in the beginning of the year I saw how she distanced herself from some of her guy friends. Not as much as to not speak to them anymore, but more out of respect for me. Later on, we all came to discover that one of her friends that later became a friend of mine actually wanted to get with her. I saw it from a mile away but she didn’t. Get my point?

I’m not saying that people with opposite sexual preferences can’t be friends.  They can, it has worked. I’m just saying its very possible that the relationship that those two individuals hold may become more than  just a friend ship without either of the two parties knowing about it.

If this is all too complicated, you can blame my brain because obviously somethings loose up in there.

I just wish that some friends would understand that just because we don’t communicate ever single day, that doesn’t mean that the friendship is over. We can still chat from time to time, even go out to eat and talk for a bit.

But I am with some one now. My priority is them. That is how I think.

Not to mention all the other random things I have going on in my life right now. Give me a break, I am only one person and I can only divide myself into so many people.

School

Going back to school is hard. Not impossible, but very hard.

First you have to think of what school you want to attend. You also have to research the school and make sure it is a good one, not to mention the fact that they should have the classes that you want and or need for what ever it is that you want to end up doing.

Money. You have to love and hate it. They say money doesn’t buy you happiness but is sure as hell going to buy you an education. School is expensive, if someone told you other wise they are lying. The good thing is that you can find a lot of financial help, you just have to look for it.

Wednesday I went to a tour of a college I was interested in. Long story short, I hated it. The counselor (or what ever her job was) lady, was very unspecific and would never get to the point of the question she was asked. So I go up and left.

I researched the hell out of the next schools I was interested in. I narrowed it down to three. I checked reviews, testimonies, I looked at their credentials, I even took it as far as calling in and seeing how I would be treated on the phone by who ever answered.

I finally narrowed it down to one school and I went for that one. I made an appointment for an orientation which included a math and reading test (which I passed with flying numbers, I know I was shocked too). I got a tour of the school and even a little back ground info of the teacher that I would be with.

Over all it was a really good experience. I was hella nervous. Why? Because that’s just my personality trait now. But, I went and it went really well.

I will be attending the school for about ten months. I will get and certificates to be able to do office work ect ect. One of the main reasons I chose this school is that they partner with business and have internships. They’re graduation rate and after school employment rate is really high. Its very disappointing hearing people study for so long and once they are finished with school they can’t find employment. That was one of my biggest concerns too.

Another thing I really liked is that all the tools will be provided. I will just have to pay the tuition. That’s where things get a little dicey. I am not a citizen (YET), but I am legal to be here so back off trump. I have been here since I was one year old, so this is all I know.

With that being said, I don’t qualify for federal financial aid what so ever. But since I am unemployed there should be help that I can receive. According to the people at the school I went to. I already made an appointment to go to the unemployment offices on Monday. If not I’m sure there are many other forms of financial help I can pursue. What matters is that I go to school, and I’m going.

Everything is moving really fast but at the same time it is moving rather slow, if you know what I mean. I need to get my school transcripts and it looks like those wont come in the mail within five days, even though I’d like them now.

But hopefully everything starts working out for the best and life just moves along like it always does.