Yesterday was a day, let me tell you.
My girlfriend had been acting weird all weekend. Well, not weird per say, different. Have you ever been so close to someone that you even know what tone of voice they text in? That you pick up real quick when they aren’t texting how they usually text. Well, yeah, her tone in voice changed while we messaged each other over the weekend. I really didn’t know what was going on until she told me she needed to talk to me.
At first it was pretty normal. Ok, not normal. She said she felt alone. I tried to understand her since she did move into a new place away from her family all on her own. I have been going over almost every single day after she was off work, if we didn’t see each other then we would go out to eat. So I was trying to understand why she felt that way. But that wasn’t the actual reason as to why she was feeling that way.
There was a get together for her church (Jehovah Witness) on Saturday. One of the members is moving and they made her a little going away party. I knew about it since my mom went also. I was invited to go by my GF because she said that it wasn’t religion related and she knows I don’t want any part of it. But still. everyone there formed part of the religion I didn’t want to be part of, not to mention all the question I would get since of my recent disappearance from that organization.
What was bothering her? She said she felt lonely there because I wasn’t there by her side. She explained to me how nice it would have been if we could have spent all that time together with everyone else. She said she didn’t want to be married and be at church by herself, that she didn’t want me to be sitting on the couch saying “take care” as she left for church every Sunday. Then I finally understood why she felt the way she felt.
I knew this was going to be an issue from the very beginning. Religion. God Dammit. For reals. Before we decided to get back together I specifically told her that I wasn’t gong to go back to the religion. I told her that I didn’t want any part of it, and if she still wanted to be with me than that was cool but she was the one that was going to suffer if she thought other wise.
I told her that she was allowed to feel that way. Her feelings are super valid, I’m not saying shes wrong. But she can not put the blame on me leading her on or thinking that by being with her I was going to go back. I also told her that if that’s the way she thought that this was not going to work out.
I can’t be the person she wants/needs me to be. She wants someone to pray with her, she wants someone to be as spiritual and close to God as her, but that is not me. I told her that, that person is gone. He was never real, and being that person hurt me so much. I feel so good right now. I have no reason to go back. Why would I go back to a place where all I felt was pressure and manipulation, not to mention how used I always felt.
I was very transparent when we first talked about getting back together. I really like her. Aside from being super religious shes one of the most humble, noble, and beautiful girls I have ever met. Of course I want to be with her. But I also want her to be happy, and if I can’t provide what she is looking for then she has to suffer a minor heartbreak now so then later in life she can find some one who can give her what she really wants.
Because there is no way I am going back to that religion. I know that I change my mind a lot, I know that I go back on a lot of things that I say. And maybe one day I will go back, who knows? But right now, at this moment, I can even say that for the rest of the year, I have no plans of going back.
In the end, after I told her all that I could, she said that she still wanted to be with me. But she was still going to nudge me to go back. That’s fair. If that’s what she wants to do that’s find. But like I told her, you can’t make anyone believe anything you believe if they don’t want to believe it.
You can take the horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink. Shit, you can fucking bring the water to the horse, you still can’t make him drink.