Dating, Already?

I don’t know if it is too soon to be thinking about this, I mean I have only been single for about just two days now. But, (and let me know if this makes sense or not but) I feel like mentally I have been single for a while. If that’s too mean or insensible for me to say well I’m sorry but I’m not sorry, because it’s what I feel and it’s the truth.

What’s next for me? Should I move on and start dating right away? Should I go out and meet knew people in the hopes that something will flourish and I will fall desperately in love? Or should I take some time for myself and be happy being alone? Should I take time to get to know me? I feel good about myself. This is the first time in my whole life I finally feel good in my own skin. Should I date myself? You know “treat myself“?

These are all good questions I should have asked myself before I aggressively downloaded about five dating apps at once. Before I knew it I had uploaded all of my “best taken” pictures and selfies and I spent countless hours swiping left and right switching back and forth between apps.

It was a massive intense work out for my fingers. My eyes became dry from not blinking. I have to admit that it was sort of nostalgic, though. I felt like a drug addict going back to drugs after being away from them for so long. The rush was there.

I had to stop myself after a while. I spent my whole morning in bed forgetting what time I started and noticing that it was almost noon and I still hadn’t eaten. Of course, I didn’t make any good connections (don’t know why I said “of course” like I’m some kind of ogre that no one would want to date… but now I’m questioning that theory, for that exact reason).

But, again, I sat and thought to myself;

What the fuck is up with you? Why are you so desperate to find someone to date? Didn’t you just get out of a fucking relationship? Are you scared to be alone? Why do you feel the need to have someone by your side? Why do you feel the need to have someone to feel like a valid person? Is it validation that you are looking for? Or just the thought have having someone?

These questions really got to me. And if you know me you know I over think, but this time it was different. These questions are honest questions that I needed to ask myself. I mean, how many people do you know that go off and look for another person 2.0 seconds after just getting out of a relationship? I think that its super unhealthy, at least for me in my opinion.

What’s my conclusion? Well, I’m deleting the apps from my phone. I realize right now is not the time to start dating yet. I think I want to take some time to reflect on myself. Even though, like I said, I feel really good about who I am as a person, there are still so many things I can learn about myself, not to mention the personal growth I can do as well. I can focus on school and my friends. If someone happens to come along in my daily life and is worth me getting to know I’m not going to push them to the side. Things happen fo a reason, right?

I’m ready for this new chapter in my life. I’m excited to finally be me. I’m excited to finally be happy.

I Hope Life Treats You Kind

It’s over.

It finally happened.

 

Yesterday my Ex and I finally had the talk. I had been planning all week how to talk to her and I wanted to be as soft as I could but also tell her how I was feeling. She did the same.

She got mad that I got tattoos yesterday which is how everything started. She got mad who I got the tattoos with. She doesn’t like my friends, she thinks they’re turning me into Satan’s child. It came to a point where I told her that if she was unhappy with the way I  was living my life and who I surrounded myself with, then she shouldn’t be in a relationship.

She ended up giving back every little thing that I ever gave her. Notes, balloons, cards, even the mini fridge I gave her for her new place. She didn’t want anything that had to do with me anymore, not because she hated me, but because she wanted to move on from this. She doesn’t want to be reminded with those things of what we had.

That’s cool. This is basically what I wanted, (as cruel as it may sound), and even though it is what I wanted, her presence will still be missed. We ended on really good terms. No fighting, no evil stares, and we even hugged at the end. We’re friends now. We’ll check up on each other from time to time. I have no hard feelings for her and she doesn’t towards me either.

I really want her to be happy. I want her to find someone that will do all the things she needs them to do, and actually like doing them. Someone who thinks that the cult they are in is an actual religion. Someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved, because she is a great person.

And I want to be happy too. I want to find someone who likes the things I like. Someone who wants to go places I want to go and celebrate holidays like I want to celebrate them. I’m not saying I want an identical twin, no. But at least some things that we can bond over would be nice.

 

I don’t feel sad. I feel like another chapter in my life is closing and a new one is about to begin. Things happen for a reason and it’s up to us to find the bright side in things because life’s job is to challenge us into thinking there isn’t one. But there is.

There always is.

Friday The 13th Tattoos

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As you can see in the picture, I got tattoos. For many, this is not a big deal, and yes I have had gotten some already, but these mean so much more to me.

I have always liked tattoos. Now in the era that we live in it is not uncommon to see people sporting tattoos on their body. The majority of millennial’s have tattoos now.

The first tattoo that I got on my body was on an area that no one see’s, under my shirt on my side shoulder. The next two I got on my arm. Since I was in a cult and this cult did not allow you to have these (tattoos) I always hid them. I even went to the extreme to try to remove them and I spent a lot of money doing so. But, I didn’t completely get rid of them. Which is a good part because I very much still love them. And I will definitely try to recover what I can from them.

Today, one of my friends reminded me that on every Friday the 13th tattoo shops have a special for tattoos. I was debating on weather I wanted to get any or not.

I told myself, no, this is my life (don’t you forget) and my body. You have always liked tattoos.

Getting these tattoos for me represents me finally taking decisions not being scared of what others will say, specially since they are placed in a very see-able place. It means that I have finally taken charge of my life and I am finally am doing what makes me happy and not what makes other people happy. I am finally living for myself and it makes me so happy.

I got a total of three. If I had more money I probably would have gotten way more. I saw some that I liked but I opted for the ones in the picture above. The third one is on my calf and is a Mario star (from Mario Nintendo).

I absolutely love them. They may be simple but the fact that they are spontaneous is what gives me a sense of enjoyment and is thrilling for me. I love where I put them and I think they are hella cute. I posted them online and the feedback I am getting is absolutely wonderful.

I am happy with these choices. I am happy right now, I really am.

: )

I Am Not That Person

I have to break up with my girlfriend.

There, I said it. I feel like we all saw this coming. I even saw it coming. (I have a lot of things to say regarding this so hang in there).

First I feel really stupid thinking that something like this could work. I don’t even know if the word stupid fits the right feeling I have over the subject. It’s more of a ohmygod why did you do this to you and her?. That’s more of what I feel. I don’t remember the reason I even got back with her. I fell like all the reasons I have are very superficially over the surface. I was in a bad place, I was leaving a cult and I was damaged. Of course I needed someone.

I can see that she isn’t happy. We went out to the park for a walk yesterday which we talked mainly about how she doesn’t like how our relationship is at the moment. She said she feels really unhappy. I’m fine. I have no issues. Why does she feel the way that she does? Well, first because I am not in the same religion that she is in. Second because I don’t go to the parties that those same people in that religion usually put on. She feels lonely when she goes. There is a huge trust issue that she has which I think she inherited from her father. She gets anxious when I go out with my friends. Since my friends are also not in her religion she “hates them” and she also believes that they are the ones that have pulled me away from “God”. She thinks that it is because of them that I left.

I asked why she was with me if she was feeling this way. I want her to be happy, if by being with me isn’t going to make her happy she shouldn’t be with me. I told her, go find someone that believes the same things you do, go find someone that likes the same things you do, someone who will be in that cult with you and wont have any issues with it.

She said she likes me too much to let me go. I get that. If I were to lose her again I’d miss her, but like I said, I want her to be happy. I know that being with me she wont be. Plus, I want to be happy too. I don’t want to be nagged or feel uncomfortable that I’m hanging out with my friends. I want to go out and do stuff and not feel like I have to report to someone every single minute. Then there is my whole sexuality coming in the picture again, I just don’t think that I am attracted to her that way anymore. Which begs to question why was I back then? What was it that made me want her? Because now I don’t.

Yes, I understand what being in a relationship means. But I have repeatedly told her that I will not go back to the religion she is part of. I want nothing to do with it. I’m done.

And as bad as it sounds I’m over her. I like her as a person, she’s amazing don’t get me wrong. But she just isn’t for me. The spark isn’t there anymore and I don’t want to ignite it again. I have tried. I know who she is and I know her worth. And she deserves someone who will and can give her everything she needs.

I am not that person.

I Want To Know The Actual Truth

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I saw this quote the other day. I was watching a YouTube video about what the difference between religion and and actually knowing God or Jesus was.

I have to take a moment to stop before I continue, I know that my blog has been centered around religion a lot lately. I didn’t mean for my blog to go into that type of direction, but I am glad that it has. I know I am not the only one out there that questions how religions all depict God and their form of worship. Plus, as rude as it may sound, I say this in the most respectful way that I can, this is my blog so I can write what ever I want. And this is the matter at hand that is going on in my life at the moment so I need to talk about it, for me. If it helps others, than I’m glad it did that’t great.

Any who, (that was long). But continuing on from before, I have been watching a lot of videos on religion. I’ve been doing a lot of research. I can’t seem to move on. I feel like I have been robbed of years of my life.

All my life I was in a religion I didn’t want to be in, but I was told it was the only way and the only Truth. Now, discovering that it is not in fact so, I will never be able to get those years back. I’m processing that still, and it may take some time and I think that’s ok. I have accepted that for myself.

The video that I saw was a guy explaining how he is Christian but yet he does not belong to any religion or any church. Religion was made by man, he stated. Which is true. I can go out there today and just start a new religion, call it what ever I want, and say that it’s the actual true religion. What I liked, or what really made me understand where he was coming from and I could relate with, because I have tried and proved this myself which is; religion is a form of changing and modifying your personality to the way the church or that religion wants you to be. You have to be someone that the church tells you to be if you want to remain part of it, and they back it up using Bible texts, but what does the Bible actually say?

What ever Bible you pick up you can find that this dude named Jesus said that all you had to do is to believe in him. All you had to do was be grateful that he gave His life for all of our sins. After this all religions start interpretation what the Bible says regarding every single aspect of life differently.

Why do I like the quote from above? Well, as it says, the good people will continue to be good, evil people will continue to be evil. What really gets me is the last line.

“For good people to do evil things, that takes religion.”

What does this mean? I’ll tell you what I was able to get from it. Religion is one of those things that “good people” do, but those good people will do “evil things” and anything that is necessary to protect their religion. Its true. Wars in the past only provide evidence of this. All these believers are willing to kill for land, they are willing to kill thousands of innocent people to keep or defend their religion, even when the Bible says that you are supposed to love your neighbor and not kill. Some religions even say that as long as its for their religion that it justifies their actions.

Not to mention all the people that go out and do hate crimes because they feel as if they are correct and need to do something about it. All because of religion. I’ve met people that do not belong to any church or organization, and they are way more better people than those that go to Sunday service. That doesn’t mean they don’t believe in God or something. They do, they’re just not part of any religion, they try to do their best in life, and most of the time they are so much less judgmental then the rest of those religious going to church all the time people.

No offense to the people that are good and respect everyone and do have a religion to believe in. But if you do have a religion you are willing to die for, why? Are you dying for that religion or for the God that you say you believe in? If that religion tells you to change something about yourself you will do it? What if they tell you that you have to do something that the Bible clearly doesn’t state, but they back up their authority with random texts and say that if you don’t obey its as if you are disobeying God himself.

I’m not saying that I have “found the light”. I’m still searching. I want to discover whats out there, I want to know the actual Truth. What if there is no God? What if it all is science? What if there is God, and there is a plan that in place for the human race? Who is right? Does God really care what religion you are? There are thousands of religions out there that revolve around the same thing, and they only differ on some of their teachings.

Why can’t you just be a good person, respect others, be kind and enjoy as much of life as you can?

Aren’t we all just humans?