The Reality

The worst feeling in the world is when the person you love the most, the person you’ve known all your life, the person you thought would always love you unconditionally tells you that you are a disappointment. I can’t describe the hurt, the feelings, the thoughts that went through my head as this happened. It’s not something anyone asks for, its not something anyone wants or craves, and its not anything anyone should ever have to go through.

I know how religious my mother is, I know that she would give her life away for her church if they suddenly they said that the bible said somewhere that they had to die for God. I know all this. I know that one day I will lose her to them. I know that one day she will never speak to me any more. She will cut me out of her life completely. I know all this, but that doesn’t take any of the hurt that I feel inside away.

As we headed to the store I informed her that I would be going to Vegas with some friends this weekend. (Back story: My boyfriend is going to Las Vegas this weekend for a friends’ birthday party and wanted me to so he invited me to go along with him).

At first when I told my mom she took it rather well. She said that my life is my life and she has no control over it and I can do what ever I think is best, she said I should just be very careful. If she would have stopped there then maybe I wouldn’t have cried in the shower later in the day.

She continued with the whole God wants us to be pure and clean and saint thing. She said how disappointed she is that I have changed so much and how I was such a nice young man before (so I guess now I’m just as bad as a criminal). She said the life that I am choosing to live is not the right one. She told me that one day I will be judged for everything that I am doing and that I will be punished for it. I feel that she knows that I am gay or some thing because she even through out “you have to be careful with the homosexuals specially right now because they’re really ‘in‘ and you know how God feels about them”. She said something about drinking and tattoos too.

I kept a straight face. There was no point in trying to defend myself. She wont listen. She wont understand. The worst part was at the end when she said that if I were to sin against God that things between us would never be the same. I think that broke me the most. She was basically indirectly telling me that she was going to cut me out of her life if I were to “sin” in any way against God. Which, like I have said before, I know.

It’s a sad reality, but it is the reality.

I don’t want this to effect me. I am really doing well right now. In school, the new relationship that I am in, and then not to mention how much progress I have accomplished with my mental health. To any sane person, they would say I am doing more than well.

I’m going to brush this off and move along. What happens happens, I will be ok. Life will move on and I have to live mine and do what makes me happy. And going to Las Vegas with my boyfriend and his friends this weekend really hella makes me happy.


2 thoughts on “The Reality

  1. I hope you have a wonderful time in Vegas. I know the things your mom says hurts you, but she has been in this religion for a long time, and I’m fairly sure she can’t imagine doing or believing anything else. These are different times. We are more open-minded than our parents are. I wish it weren’t that way but it is. My thing is – I was raised Baptist, which can be almost cult-like in its own way. I had strict asshole grandparents that judged everyone. My daughter is …. well I’m not sure exactly what she is. Non-binary, gender dysphoria, bisexual …. Something. As her mother, even I don’t completely understand it, I can never look at her and think that her sexual preference or self-identity changes the kind of soul that she has, or changes how good of a person she is. As a mother, I want her to be happy, and whatever it is that makes her happy and comfortable – hey, I’m on her team.

    The pain that our parents inevitably inflict on us, serves as a reminder of what kind of parents she don’t want to be, because we know how much it hurts. I hope you can take what your mom believes and feels, and apply it in a positive way to how you treat other people.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you : )
      Your daughter is really lucky to have a mother that is that accepting.
      I think my views have greatly changed over time and they have only changed for the better. I’m a very open minded person and I consider myself to be a really good human being despite what I have gone through. I don’t want it to make me a sour person .

      Thank you very much.


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