Here To Stay

I am a flip flopper. Better said I was?

My boyfriend told me recently that he is really scared that I will go back to my former religion. He said that living with my mother who is still in it will make me want to go back. He thinks that some of my former friends that are in that religion will find a way to convince me to return and drop everything I have with him.

Why does he feel this way? Because it has happened before. It has happened so many times I can’t count them all.

I will be living my life and then I’ll just drop everything and go back to the “religion” because I feel guilty. When I was dating him last year I did the same thing. I talked to him for about a month, and then I told him that I had to stop talking to him for religions reasons. But gladly we found our way back to each other after a year.

This is what scares him. Me leaving again, now that we have an established relationship and its honestly going great, he’s scared one day I’ll just up and leave.

There’s nothing I can do or say that will make him change his way of thinking. He feels that way because that’s what he knows and I can’t blame him or be mad at him for thinking that way. He’s allowed to.

All I can do is show him how committed I am to him. Show him that I am here to stay. I know for a fact that I don’t want to go back to the place I was in, but who’s to say that mentality will or wont change? It’s crazy for me to even think that I would return. I can’t even imagine it. But crazy shit happens all the time, doesn’t it?

Nothing is for certain in this life, nothing. Not even the love he says he has for me.

First Thanksgiving

This will be my very first Thanksgiving I will be celebrating. It’s really the year of firsts isn’t it?

My boyfriend invited me to his families Thanksgiving a couple weeks ago. I was really excited when he did. Everything that involves him and spending time with him makes me happy.

I am nervous though. I am not good at meeting new people. I have only met one of his sisters and when I say ‘met’ I mean it very loosely. I have also met his mom and stepdad, but the only words we have ever exchanged is hello and goodbye when I’m leaving and they happen to be in the living room.

I’m usually the quite one in the group when meeting new people. I need to see who they are, I need to feel the environment, I need to fell safe. If not then I’ll go into my shell. There are times when surprisingly I will be the most talkative. Usually that’s with my friends.

The thing is that all his family will be there. I don’t know them, I don’t know how they function. Plus, this is the first Thanksgiving I will be attending so its new all together.

I’m scared yes, but at the same time I’m excited. I want to be happy, I want to live my life.

 

Warning Signs

Do you ever see a warning sign that says “Don’t touch this, this is EXTREMELY hot. YOU WILL BE BURNED“? And think to yourself, hmm I wonder if that’s actually true, let me go ahead and just place one finger on it. Obviously, if you have a brain, and you know how to use it, you’re going to listen to the warning sign, right?

Well, tell me why I still didn’t. I have been taking anti anxiety pills for about four months now. They have helped, which is great. But just like every medications for what ever it is you need to take them for, they come with warning signs that you should probably pat attention to. I mean they were put there for a reason right? The doctors didn’t just decide it would be funny to put “Don’t drive while on this” as a joke on sleeping pill bottles. Of course if you have common sense you wouldn’t even need to be reminded of that, but hence, they put it on there because someone probably did it anyways.

So, going back to the point I steered away from. My pills specifically said not to drink with alcohol. I’m not going to swallow a pill down with a Bud Light either, I know that. And since I am a human in his early 20’s that likes to have some fun sometimes I didn’t listen to that warning said.

Well, if you want to get technical, I did. I wouldn’t take my pills on the weekends when I knew I was going to drink. Then again, that’s basically breaking another rule which involves taking the pills everyday and not having any gaps in between. There’s no winning here.

Moving on, this took a toll on me as I noticed my anxiety coming back very strong. I have tried to learn how to cope with it, because lets be honest, who wants to be on pills all their lives right? But, sometimes I just can’t. And with everything going on, sometimes its just hard.

I told my boyfriend I need to quit the drinking for a bit or a while. He knows about my anxiety and he is very supportive. He said he would stop drinking as well, which is really sweet of him. We need to save it all up for New Years anyways.

So far its been two weeks since I stopped drinking and I even feel a little better, body wise. I think I was even gaining weight from all the drinking.

Moral of the story, listen to the warning signs, and don’t try to find loop holes because in the end you’re just going to hurt yourself, a different way, but still hurt yourself.

I Forget To Take Care Of Myself

So I have a problem.

It may be a self induced problem that I brought on to myself, but nonetheless, it’s still a problem.

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. A pattern that I didn’t know I had. Something that is actually not supposed to be a problem but it usually turns out to be one in the long run.

Usually in what ever relationship I’m in, weather that being friends, family, dating, or even class mates, I am always the one giving 1000%.

I’m always the one going out of my way for ‘X’ person. In the moment and time I don’t care, I’ll do what ever they want. Why? Because in my head I figure they will return the favor in my head or maybe they’ll appreciate me the way I appreciate them. Or sometimes not even that, I just genuinely want to help them.

There’s been times where I’ve put people even before myself. I’ve been so altruistic that I’ve put their needs before mine, forgetting that I am human too and that I need to love myself. Im so concerned for how others are doing and feeling that I lose myself. I forget to take care of me.

I’m very giving, emotionally. I’m always there for my friends when they need a shoulder to cry on. I’m always there when they need something from me. I’m always the first one to bite the bullet.

I don’t want this part of me to ruin what I have with this wonderful guy I’m dating now. He treats me well, he seems to care about me, he says he loves me, so why the fuck am I complaining?

It’s a battle with myself. Should I tell him that I feel as though I am the one that’s trying the most in this relationship? If I do he might be upset or feel a different way towards me. If I don’t then I’ll just have to suck up these feelings and be a ‘big boy’ about it.

I need affection, attention, and love. I thought by giving that out as much as I could I would get it in return, but not everyone is like that. And I don’t want to change him, but would that be changing him? Telling him if he can be more sweeter? More romantic? Who am I to demand these things? I don’t want to make him feel as though I’m not happy, because I am. He makes me happy, but why do I desire more?

These feelings have always affected me. I hate feeling unappreciated, and most of the time people don’t even notice, because they shouldn’t honestly. I feel like it’s just me.

Why do I need more that what I already have?

Cheating

I have talked about this before, so its not something new, if you don’t remember what I said about cheating or think that my opinions are new read this to refresh your memory —-> Its Not Cheating, It’s Just Sex.

With that being said, I am no one to judge someone who has cheated on their partner. I am not saying I approve it, but I am not anyone’s dad to scold them if they do either. Its your life, do what you want, I’ll give you my opinion if you ask for it, but don’t get mad if its not what you want to hear. Your actions your consequences.

I understand why people cheat. Trust me I do. I get it, you’re not happy, you don’t like your partner any more, something is not going right in the relationship. Or maybe the love that your partner once gave you is coming from a different place and it just honestly feels good. Who doesn’t want to be appreciated?

But why not communicate that to the person you are with? If they can’t compromise with you, or at least try, maybe they don’t love you as much either. Maybe you shouldn’t be with them.

I know many people have many opinions about cheating, I’m not saying mine is right or that there even is a correct one. I have known people that have cheated but have worked it out with who they were with.

I don’t know if I could continue with any one that would cheat on me. I am too paranoid as it is already, I am too emotional, and I waer my hurt on my shirt like a brand logo.

My boyfriends opinion is that ‘everyone has needs’. He only said it once when his friends brought up cheating. I do want to ask him what he meant by that, but I also don’t want him to think I am paranoid, even though this whole paragraph makes me look like I am, so I guess I am, and what?

I want to ask him what he means. How he feels about cheaters, if he ever would, I mean I know you cant predict the future and you can say and swear that you would never, but still, the mentality that you have now is a pretty strong indication. I just need the reassurance that he wont. It scares me that if he says that everyone has needs he might think its ok if its sex and be inclined to do it in the future.

Would you forgive a cheater?

I’ve heard people say that they would if all they did was have sex, because its just sex. They say that if there was an emotional bond it would be different. I just don’t even want to be placed in a situation like that.

Maybe I shouldn’t even think about it, but with everyone doing it, it scares me.

I Didn’t Say It Back

When is it a proper time to say the three magic words in a relationship? Maybe there isn’t a time frame when you should say it? Maybe you should say it when you feel it. But, how will you know if it is what it is? Am I making any sense?

This past weekend I went with my boyfriend to one of his friends house for a little get together. It was fun and I had a good time, I had my moments of anxiety when I really didn’t want to be there, which I probably should have told him, but I didn’t. I learned my lesson though.

Let me get to the point. He got drunk, I was as sober. We were alone outside at one point where he said he really didn’t want to lose me. It was honestly really cute, of course I don’t want to lose him either. I really like this guy, he’s starting to become everything to me.

I was concerned that maybe he wouldn’t remember what we had talked about, since he was drunk. He caught me by surprise when he said the three words.

I thought I was going to be the one to say it first. I thought I was the more emotional one. I know I am. I know that I am the more sentimental one, I am the more romantic one. But I didn’t say it back.

I thought maybe it was that he was drunk, it had to be the alcohol talking, right? Hours passed by and he sobered up, we went to jack in the box to get some food before we went home. I was the only one actually sober sober so I drove everyone home.

He was sober by the time we got home so I asked him if he remembered everything we talked about that night. He said he did. So me, being me, I asked him again if he remembered, everything everything? He looked at me and said yes, and he said it again, and then said that he said it because he meant it. I still didn’t say it back.

Does that make me a bad person? I know that I have strong feelings for him, I do. I don’t think I have felt like this for anyone before, but I want to be really sure, I don’t just want to say it because he said it. I want to say it because I feel it. I know I feel something. I know.

He told me I didn’t have to say it. He said it was ok, he probably said that because I started tearing up. Am I scared to say it? It is a possibility. I really wanted to though, but I wasn’t ready, it wasn’t the time, and I didn’t want him thinking that I said it just because he had. I want to say it because I feel it and I want him to know.

I haven’t said it to anyone before. This is new to me, its scary ok? Plus he said that he didn’t say it in his last relationship until four months in, and yes, I know its not the same thing because hes dating me now but still that’s my brain for you.

I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want this to end, I know that it wont if we don’t let it. He is possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Every day we talk, every time we see each other, every time I think of him, I keep falling for him more and more.

Maybe I am…in love.

One Month

I am super cheesy, so beware, if you are lactose intolerant, you might want to turn away.

Today marks exactly one month that my boyfriend and I have been officially Boyfriends. We have been dating for about two months and have known each other for 3 months, if you want to get technical.

So what did I do? Well despite people or society saying its too soon to be celebrating time together or in the risk of being too sappy, I got him some gifts. I don’t care if it is too soon or not, this is what I feel and I want to show it while I feel it, not when everyone thinks its a good time in MY relationship to do so.

I went to my local flower shop to buy some roses. I went to the dollar store to get some heart shaped balloons, the first dollar store I went to didn’t have any heart shaped balloons, which are the ones I wanted. I headed to a different one and they told me that they were almost out of helium, but by a stroke of luck, they had enough to give me just the amount of balloons I needed. Then I went to the store to buy some heart shaped and cheesy stickers along with some of his favorite candy.

When I came home I placed as much stickers as I could on the wrapping that surrounded the roses. (It was mainly hearts). Then I put a bow on the candy, also more stickers, and then I decorated the letter that I wrote him inside of a sweet little greeting card. (Picture below).

Today I surprised him before he left for work. I was so nervous for some reason. Shakey with hands sweaty. Who was I? I hadn’t seen that me before. I was so happy to see him, to see the look on his face, it was truly priceless. He loved everything.

I know that our relationship is new and in some way it is super fragile, but this beginning stage is so nice. Don’t get me wrong there are times we have our serious talks, its not all roses and candy. We know what we want, we understand each other, and we are very communicative.

I can see a future with him. I can see us growing together. This can’t be wrong, this feeling I have, this fantasy that I have created in my head. I like him so much, I know he likes me too. This can be so great.

I hope that our one month anniversary soon turns into years.

 

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This Is My Country Too

I was not born in America. But I was raised American. I am not a citizen of America. But I know more about this country then those who are telling me to go back to ‘mine’. I am from another country, yet I do not know anything about the country that I came from. I know of it, but not the way I know American history.

I have been in this country since I was 2 years old. Was I asked to be brought here? No. Did I have a choice to be here? No. It is not my fault that I am here. Should I pay for that now in my adult life?

I grew up thinking I was the same as everyone else. I grew up thinking I was going to go college and then get a good job and live the american dream, because I myself thought I was American.

Now I see the news and I read the comments and see how people of this country that I grew up loving but not being able to be part of want me to return to a country I have not even known since I was a toddler. I don’t even remember it. This is my home, this is where I grew up, this is where I have all my friends and family. This is my country too.

I wish I could ask them what they think I would be able to do in a country I don’t know anything of. I would like to ask them that if the circumstances were the same with their parents, would they say the same thing?

I’m not saying that what my parents did in bringing me here was a good idea, nor am I saying it was the right thing to do. Obviously it wasn’t the correct way to do it. I know that, I understand that. But why do I have to pay for it? I am a good person, I have not hurt anyone, I’m going to school, I take care of my mother and brother. I obey the laws.

Sure if I was out in the streets running a muck and hurting people, well yeah, go ahead, throw me out, who wants trash in their home?

But is it really only immigrants that are running the streets?

Dreamers are called dreamers because they are dreaming of the day they can be legal and go to school, better their lives, and give this country what this country has given them.

Of course there are people out there that make mistakes, and they should be held accountable by their actions. But, what have I done?

I wanted to talk about this because today in the Supreme court they will discussing DACA. This has helped many children and young adults like me who were brought when they were young to the United States to gain the ability to work and go to school.

I don’t understand why people are freaked out about this. It is not giving just “anyone” status. No, its giving it to that person who you went to school with. That person who tried their best in school fearing that one day they were going to lose their family.

We are not criminals, we are just like you and your children, do we not deserve a good life too?

A First

 

Today marks a first for me. My mother left home about two hours ago. Every so often about three times a year Jehovah Witnesses from different congregations gather for a whole day and listen to many many speeches allegedly about the Bible.

Today is the first time in all my twenty five years of living that I will not be attending. It feels good. I thought I was going to have an empty feeling. Or a sense of sadness. But I feel fine. I don’t feel bad about it. I know that she has to be there on her own, and most likely people will ask her where her kids are at. But even though that may be true, I can’t be there.

The last time I went I was out of the religion, but I decided to go for her, again, and it was about three months ago. I was only in the religion for her. (If I had a dollar for every time I’ve ever said that, I’d be rich). I had to stop doing that, I had to start living my own life.

I thought that she was going to try to invite me or urge me to go, but she didn’t. I think she has finally accepted the fact that I wont be going back. I respect that from her. I don’t get on her about her religious stuff and she doesn’t tell me anything about me living my life.

I’ve been spending all my weekends with my boyfriend for more than a month now. She hasn’t asked me about it. I’m assuming she must know I’m seeing someone, before this I would spend my weekends in bed watching Netflix. Now my weekends are more exciting.

Speaking of my boyfriend, I feel like I haven’t talked about him in a while. But that’s just me, if I don’t talk about him in five minutes I feel like its been days. We’re doing great, in case anyone cared.

I’m off to spend the weekend with him. I hope everyone else has a great weekend as well.

 

Prayers For Bobby

We need to talk about this movie. If you haven’t seen it, it is a must watch.

Every time I see this movie I cry. I am so connected with the main character its honestly so scary.

I know that this whole ‘I’m gay and my mom would never understand’ thing is a reoccurring theme on my blog, but that’s my life. Your’e not in my shoes so you don’t get an opinion. Advice is welcomed though, positive thoughts, and good vibes as well. 

This movie really hits home for me. (I wont spoil it for you just in case you haven’t seen it, plus the trailer does a really good job of summing it all up, but you still need to see it). But its basically about a young boy who knows that he is gay and also knows that his mother will not understand or accept him because she believes that being gay is a sin.

Why? Because she is super religious. She is the rock of the family, if we are talking religious wise. She wants all her children to be with her in heaven along with her and her husband.

When Bobby (the main character) admits to his brother that he is gay, after trying to take his life by taking a bottle of pills, the very next day his brother tells his mother that his brother is ‘a homosexual’. She boldly answers, “He’s not.

It’s almost as if I see my mom in this woman. She would give her life for God. As the movie progresses she tries to cure Bobby of his Gayness. Mean while Bobby is doing his best to try to grasp on to his mothers love but also trying to learn to accept that he just can’t change.

Soon his cousin from out of town is introduced to the story and her acceptance of Bobby really makes him more comfortable in his skin. He soon moves in with her after fighting with his mom on last time.

They’re fight is one of the most emotional moments of the movie for me. If you watch it you will know why. If you are a mother you will cry, and maybe, well I hope, you will think that that woman is insane. If you agree with her, then dam you.

At this point, its just tears after tears for me. No dry eyes. I wont stop crying until the very end. Until the last credit is played.

To know what happens next you’ll have to see it for your self, I can’t really explain it without bursting into tears again.

Why did I watch this movie? I don’t really know. Maybe it was just the state I was in? Maybe I wanted to cry? Who knows. I love this movie with all my heart. Even though it hurts me every time. I relate to it so much, on so many levels. I see my life being played out on screen.

I think it also reminds me what I will have to go through with my mother when she finally knows that I am gay. I know how it will be. The only difference is that she actually tried to change him. Not that part, but she kept communication with her son. Even if it was only to try to change him.

My mother is taught that they should break any form of communication with people like me. And I know she would because she’s said it before. This movie hurts, but it helps. It will forever be in my heart and it will for ever help me move on with my life.

I’m really great full that I didn’t end up like Bobby. But I still have a whole mountain to climb and I really hope that I still don’t go down his path when my climb gets rocky and unsteady.

 

Bobby’s death was the direct result of his parents ignorance and fear of the word Gay.

Before you echo Amen, in your home and place of worship, think, think and remember, a child is listening.