Here To Stay

I am a flip flopper. Better said I was?

My boyfriend told me recently that he is really scared that I will go back to my former religion. He said that living with my mother who is still in it will make me want to go back. He thinks that some of my former friends that are in that religion will find a way to convince me to return and drop everything I have with him.

Why does he feel this way? Because it has happened before. It has happened so many times I can’t count them all.

I will be living my life and then I’ll just drop everything and go back to the “religion” because I feel guilty. When I was dating him last year I did the same thing. I talked to him for about a month, and then I told him that I had to stop talking to him for religions reasons. But gladly we found our way back to each other after a year.

This is what scares him. Me leaving again, now that we have an established relationship and its honestly going great, he’s scared one day I’ll just up and leave.

There’s nothing I can do or say that will make him change his way of thinking. He feels that way because that’s what he knows and I can’t blame him or be mad at him for thinking that way. He’s allowed to.

All I can do is show him how committed I am to him. Show him that I am here to stay. I know for a fact that I don’t want to go back to the place I was in, but who’s to say that mentality will or wont change? It’s crazy for me to even think that I would return. I can’t even imagine it. But crazy shit happens all the time, doesn’t it?

Nothing is for certain in this life, nothing. Not even the love he says he has for me.

First Thanksgiving

This will be my very first Thanksgiving I will be celebrating. It’s really the year of firsts isn’t it?

My boyfriend invited me to his families Thanksgiving a couple weeks ago. I was really excited when he did. Everything that involves him and spending time with him makes me happy.

I am nervous though. I am not good at meeting new people. I have only met one of his sisters and when I say ‘met’ I mean it very loosely. I have also met his mom and stepdad, but the only words we have ever exchanged is hello and goodbye when I’m leaving and they happen to be in the living room.

I’m usually the quite one in the group when meeting new people. I need to see who they are, I need to feel the environment, I need to fell safe. If not then I’ll go into my shell. There are times when surprisingly I will be the most talkative. Usually that’s with my friends.

The thing is that all his family will be there. I don’t know them, I don’t know how they function. Plus, this is the first Thanksgiving I will be attending so its new all together.

I’m scared yes, but at the same time I’m excited. I want to be happy, I want to live my life.

 

Warning Signs

Do you ever see a warning sign that says “Don’t touch this, this is EXTREMELY hot. YOU WILL BE BURNED“? And think to yourself, hmm I wonder if that’s actually true, let me go ahead and just place one finger on it. Obviously, if you have a brain, and you know how to use it, you’re going to listen to the warning sign, right?

Well, tell me why I still didn’t. I have been taking anti anxiety pills for about four months now. They have helped, which is great. But just like every medications for what ever it is you need to take them for, they come with warning signs that you should probably pat attention to. I mean they were put there for a reason right? The doctors didn’t just decide it would be funny to put “Don’t drive while on this” as a joke on sleeping pill bottles. Of course if you have common sense you wouldn’t even need to be reminded of that, but hence, they put it on there because someone probably did it anyways.

So, going back to the point I steered away from. My pills specifically said not to drink with alcohol. I’m not going to swallow a pill down with a Bud Light either, I know that. And since I am a human in his early 20’s that likes to have some fun sometimes I didn’t listen to that warning said.

Well, if you want to get technical, I did. I wouldn’t take my pills on the weekends when I knew I was going to drink. Then again, that’s basically breaking another rule which involves taking the pills everyday and not having any gaps in between. There’s no winning here.

Moving on, this took a toll on me as I noticed my anxiety coming back very strong. I have tried to learn how to cope with it, because lets be honest, who wants to be on pills all their lives right? But, sometimes I just can’t. And with everything going on, sometimes its just hard.

I told my boyfriend I need to quit the drinking for a bit or a while. He knows about my anxiety and he is very supportive. He said he would stop drinking as well, which is really sweet of him. We need to save it all up for New Years anyways.

So far its been two weeks since I stopped drinking and I even feel a little better, body wise. I think I was even gaining weight from all the drinking.

Moral of the story, listen to the warning signs, and don’t try to find loop holes because in the end you’re just going to hurt yourself, a different way, but still hurt yourself.

I Forget To Take Care Of Myself

So I have a problem.

It may be a self induced problem that I brought on to myself, but nonetheless, it’s still a problem.

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. A pattern that I didn’t know I had. Something that is actually not supposed to be a problem but it usually turns out to be one in the long run.

Usually in what ever relationship I’m in, weather that being friends, family, dating, or even class mates, I am always the one giving 1000%.

I’m always the one going out of my way for ‘X’ person. In the moment and time I don’t care, I’ll do what ever they want. Why? Because in my head I figure they will return the favor in my head or maybe they’ll appreciate me the way I appreciate them. Or sometimes not even that, I just genuinely want to help them.

There’s been times where I’ve put people even before myself. I’ve been so altruistic that I’ve put their needs before mine, forgetting that I am human too and that I need to love myself. Im so concerned for how others are doing and feeling that I lose myself. I forget to take care of me.

I’m very giving, emotionally. I’m always there for my friends when they need a shoulder to cry on. I’m always there when they need something from me. I’m always the first one to bite the bullet.

I don’t want this part of me to ruin what I have with this wonderful guy I’m dating now. He treats me well, he seems to care about me, he says he loves me, so why the fuck am I complaining?

It’s a battle with myself. Should I tell him that I feel as though I am the one that’s trying the most in this relationship? If I do he might be upset or feel a different way towards me. If I don’t then I’ll just have to suck up these feelings and be a ‘big boy’ about it.

I need affection, attention, and love. I thought by giving that out as much as I could I would get it in return, but not everyone is like that. And I don’t want to change him, but would that be changing him? Telling him if he can be more sweeter? More romantic? Who am I to demand these things? I don’t want to make him feel as though I’m not happy, because I am. He makes me happy, but why do I desire more?

These feelings have always affected me. I hate feeling unappreciated, and most of the time people don’t even notice, because they shouldn’t honestly. I feel like it’s just me.

Why do I need more that what I already have?

Cheating

I have talked about this before, so its not something new, if you don’t remember what I said about cheating or think that my opinions are new read this to refresh your memory —-> Its Not Cheating, It’s Just Sex.

With that being said, I am no one to judge someone who has cheated on their partner. I am not saying I approve it, but I am not anyone’s dad to scold them if they do either. Its your life, do what you want, I’ll give you my opinion if you ask for it, but don’t get mad if its not what you want to hear. Your actions your consequences.

I understand why people cheat. Trust me I do. I get it, you’re not happy, you don’t like your partner any more, something is not going right in the relationship. Or maybe the love that your partner once gave you is coming from a different place and it just honestly feels good. Who doesn’t want to be appreciated?

But why not communicate that to the person you are with? If they can’t compromise with you, or at least try, maybe they don’t love you as much either. Maybe you shouldn’t be with them.

I know many people have many opinions about cheating, I’m not saying mine is right or that there even is a correct one. I have known people that have cheated but have worked it out with who they were with.

I don’t know if I could continue with any one that would cheat on me. I am too paranoid as it is already, I am too emotional, and I waer my hurt on my shirt like a brand logo.

My boyfriends opinion is that ‘everyone has needs’. He only said it once when his friends brought up cheating. I do want to ask him what he meant by that, but I also don’t want him to think I am paranoid, even though this whole paragraph makes me look like I am, so I guess I am, and what?

I want to ask him what he means. How he feels about cheaters, if he ever would, I mean I know you cant predict the future and you can say and swear that you would never, but still, the mentality that you have now is a pretty strong indication. I just need the reassurance that he wont. It scares me that if he says that everyone has needs he might think its ok if its sex and be inclined to do it in the future.

Would you forgive a cheater?

I’ve heard people say that they would if all they did was have sex, because its just sex. They say that if there was an emotional bond it would be different. I just don’t even want to be placed in a situation like that.

Maybe I shouldn’t even think about it, but with everyone doing it, it scares me.