Stupid Shit

I don’t know what it is.

I’m sitting in my boyfriends room while he takes a shower thinking, dam… pretty soon I’m going to be surrounded by thousands of people, loud music, and alcohol.

To any other normal person this would be a dream. Why wouldn’t you want to party on the last day of the year and have the time of your life with the love of your life celebrating and welcoming the new year?

But to me, to me it’s not like that. I feel anxious, nervous, and to be completely honest I don’t really want to go. Maybe it’s just a bad day for me? Maybe I’m overthinking it too much. This always happens, I get excited for something and down to the wire I don’t want to go.

My boyfriend spent a lot of money to go, he’s really excited and this is his scene, he loves these types of events.

It makes me feel really far from him. He’s social, loud, likes to be around his friends constantly. But I’m all the opposite. Why can’t I be like that? Why do I feel this way?

I hate overthinking, I really hate it. Why can’t I have a normal brain and just live in the moment and not worry about the little stupid shit no one else has on their mind.

All that’s left to do is just suck it up, and live in the moment.

Looking Back At A Decade Of ‘Me’

This may just be the last post of this year, and this decade. I hope everyone had a good Christmas with their loved ones and will have a great New Years.

Looking back at this decade and seeing where I began to where I am now, its just insane. To me 2010 was just a couple of years ago. I was only 15 and I was getting baptized in a cult-religion I just left this year. From then on it would be a roller coaster of things to come, some good, and some very oh so bad. But I made it.

2011 came by fast and it was actually a good year for me. Even though I was struggling with my sexuality I still found happy moments during all the chaos. I also dated a girl for the first time ever. Who I really did love very much but ended up breaking up with later in 2012.

In 2013 I graduated high school and I had no plans of going to college. I was not in very good circumstances to have such a privilege. I stayed home taking care of my brother and 4 cousins while my mother worked. It wasn’t the best way to make money but it helped my moms family and ours at the same time.

Then in 2014 I started working at a fast food place that everyone knows the jingle to. Although its not the most, or at all, the desired job to have, I still loved working there and because I did I got to meet the most amazing people that even today I still call friends.

2015 and 2016 are both a big blur. I can’t honestly say why though, there inst much that happened those years. I did buy a car which is really big but that’s about it. I think it is because I was trying to live a happy life with my friends and also trying to please everyone from church at the same time, I probably lost myself for a bit those two years.

In 2017 my mother told us she had cancer and her long process began for survival, which she is still dealing with now. It was a real hard year. I lost touch with many of my friends because I was trying to follow the “Holy Way”.

2018 was also a good and bad year. I think it was more of a good year for me. Other than my mothers second surgery nothing bad really happened. I really got out of my shell that year and started going to clubs, I started drinking as if I needed it to survive, and I met a lot of new people. But during all this I was still the little good church boy and it got exhausting. It was hard partying all night Saturday and coming home at 4 in the morning and then getting up at 8 for Sunday Service.

I had to choose which path to take and I chose the wrong one at the beginning of 2019. I was full on going to be the very depiction of what a good Christian should be, hell, I was even dating a girl who was the very depiction of what a Great Christian Woman should be. But I wasn’t Happy. So I had to leave what I thought was “The Truth”. I later found where I was actually supposed to be and I met a wonderful guy who makes me really happy.

With that guy I am entering 2020, a new decade, a fresh brand new start.

What will this year (and decade) bring?

2020 here we all come!

Happy New!

12/13/2019

I got two more tattoos. I love both of them. I think I’m in love with the fox one. I went with one of my friends this past Friday since they are cheaper on those days.

We waited for nearly seven hours just for these. I think it was worth it. I was only going to get the fox, but after waiting for so long I decided I might as well add on another one.

I know a lot of people are 50/50 about tattoos. But I love them. I do them for me and not for others. I know a lot of people do it to express themselves or some even to display artwork and things that have happened to them. We all have our reasons right?

Any way that’s all. I just wanted to brag about them.

Knock Knock. Who’s There? It’s Anxiety Bitch

I went to the gym today. Instead of getting off my car, like a normal person would, I stayed there in the parking lot for about 30 minutes contemplating life. Why? Well, wouldn’t we all like to know.

The cars passed by unaware of what I was going through. Its funny how the world still continues when our brains have stopped to think about nonsense. Nothing will ever be placed on hold for you, its a sad reality but its true.

I didn’t plan this sudden burst of anxiety. Like usual it comes out of the blue and its uninvited. I packed my gym bag, took my brother to his job, and then I headed to the gym with the intention to go hard and be fit. Why is it that I couldn’t get off my car?

I fucking hate anxiety. Hate it. It stops me from doing things that are so simple to some people. At the end of the day its still my fault, I haven’t been taking my medication the correct way.

SO, you can basically say that this post is pointless, “just take your god dam pills and get over yourself.” I hear you say. You have a valid point. I am self destructing at this point, I don’t even know why I do it honestly. But sometimes it sounds like there are a lot of little Me’s in my head and they all want me to do what they tell me to.

I need to get back to taking them how they are supposed to be taken. I just hate the fact that I have to depend on them or else I feel like shit.

Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?

2019 Throughout My Year

2019 is almost over and a lot of things are still going to happen before its over, so I want to write this post now that I have the time to.

THIS YEAR MAN, wow this year has been a year right? Or is it just me? Lets break it down;

January

I had been MIA at the end of last year because I was super “religious”. I didn’t really want to blog because I felt that it was worldly. January was the time I came back to this blog, and I came back with a girlfriend. I know, I’m still surprised that even happened but it did. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was lying to myself, deep down I knew it wasn’t going to work out. I did love her though, just not the way I thought I did.

February

I started to see cracks in my relationship with the girl I had been dating from church. Along with stupid church rules we had to follow, we also had to abide by her fathers rules, which sucked. My anxiety was at an all time high and I was not in a good place. I wasn’t happy at all.

March

This month was a big month you could say, not as big as some that are yet to come but it was a something. I broke up with the girl I was dating, started a failed YouTube channel, and started to see the cracks in my former job and religion, which now I don’t have either or.

April

This month was really productive. I was out looking for a new job because things were getting too stressful at my current one. I remember applying to many jobs and hoping to be called in. I didn’t know then but now I am glad no one hired me, things happen for a reason. I also started to have issues with my then best friend from church. This would later result in us not speaking to each other. But it was going to end that way either way since I left the religion, he can’t talk to me now anyways.

May

This is the month that I will mark when my then best friend and I stopped being friends. I remember stressing over our friendship while he was in Cancun having the time of his life with other church people. I was stressed, I had anxiety issues, and to add to everything they had just told us at work that they were doing a mass layoff. Not to mention I was starting to be fed up with the religion I was going that I started to ask myself why I was even going if it was making me so unhappy.

June

This has to be one of the most important months of the year for me. It was when I finally left the religion I was in. I told my mom that I would no longer be assisting the church she had raised me in. It hurt like a mother fucker. It felt like I was putting a knife right in her chest. It was hard, but it was worth it. I also started dating again. I met what I thought was a nice guy and we had a couple of good dates here and there. Mean while my mother was balling her eyes out because she thought Satan had his claws on me. I slowly started to tell my coworkers that I was Gay, and it felt really liberating.

July

I just had ended things with the guy I was dating when the girl I had dated before wanted to meet to talk. I don’t know why I said yes, maybe to be nice? Seeing her again felt refreshing and I still don’t know why I felt the way I felt. I felt bad for her, she wanted me and she was suffering, plus she was a nice girl and I really enjoyed her company. You can put a gun to my face and ask me why I got back with her and I still wouldn’t know what to answer. Maybe I did it for her, maybe to make my mother a little more happier since I wasn’t going to church that would cheer her up. I don’t really know.

August

I was having a good time with the girl I was back together with. I was also excited to leave my work since the time had come to be let go. I was going to collect unemployment and go back to school, which is exactly what I am doing and I am acing my class thank you very much. This is also the month when I started to take my anti anxiety pills. I’m unsure what it was that made me see a doctor but I guess I was just fed up with feeling the way I was. I started to really research the religion I had been a part of my whole life. It was a cult. At first I didn’t want to know anything about it, I wanted it out of my life and I didn’t want anything to remind me that I was once part of it, but this month I was over that phase and I started discovering what it was actually about.

September

I was already having issues with the girl I was dating. She didn’t like my friends because she thought they were the reason I had left the religion. Since she was in it she would always ask me when I was going to go back. It was irritating and I didn’t like it. Eventually since we were both unhappy we split up and I haven’t heard from her since. Soon later I jumped back into the dating pool as if I never had left and started swimming with the fishes. I dated many guys, but one caught my eye… again. I met him over a year ago and now he’s my Boyfriend and I love him.

October

I started to fall for my boyfriend by this time. It was really crazy how much I enjoyed his company. I wanted nothing but him. Every weekend would be so much. He made me feel so good about myself I had never felt so safe with anyone like I did and do with him.

November

November started off really bad. My moms car broke down and I was feeling like I used to feel at the beginning of the year. I was finding fault in everything. If Debbie Downer had a younger brother his name would be Bobbie and I would be him. But the stars aligned and I got to spend Thanksgiving with my boyfriend and I had a great time with him and his family.

December

I’m not going to say that this is going to be the best month of the year because I don’t want to jinx it, so you get the picture. I have realized that I love the guy I’m dating, I love the person I am becoming, and I love the life I am starting to live. It’s been a long ass year and I deserve some fucking happiness. Later this month my boyfriend is taking a week off work for new years. We are going to celebrate it at a rave. He also asked me to stay with him for all the days of his vacation. I seriously can’t wait.

 

That’s my whole year in a nutshell.

2020 here I come.