My Life, My Words, My Journal

I’m Searching For Something That I Can’t Reach

I am very romantic. I am border line cheesy and corny. Hey, I’m a nice guy. I love, love. And I understand that there are people out there that could care less about getting roses, about getting called sweet things, and would gag and barf at the sight of heart shaped balloons and chocolates, but not me. I want those things, I would kill for those things.

Valentines is around the corner and this will be the very first Valentines Day in my entire life when I actually have a significant other to share it with. I was never that person that hated the holiday because I was alone and single. When that time came around sure I would get sad but I would never get bitter. I would just sit back and think of all the romantic things I could be doing with a boyfriend. All the sweet cheesy corny things we could get each other. From little love notes on cards to big giant teddy bears. Its not just that day either, I think about being sweet all the time, that’s just how my brain works.

Now that I am in a relationship you think that this year will be different. But I don’t think it will. (I hate talking about this, it feels like I’m hating on him, so sorry my love if you ever get a chance to read this). My boyfriend is not romantic. He wouldn’t know what romance was if it hit him with a truck, stopped, backed up, and ran him over again.

I may be exaggerating but its true. Its not like I haven’t talked to him about it, we have. But it only got better for the shortest time. This relationship has become really hard form me because of that reason. Don’t get me wrong I love him to death, with all my heart, I just wish he was a little more romantic.

This isn’t something new to me. I have always been a hopeless romantic. That rose colored haze that couples in romance movies live in is what I have always craved. And its not just in movies. I see it every where I go. Romance. People doing these cheesy romantic things for their significant others just for the fun of it, its not even to prove anything its just because its cute and they want to do it.

He is only romantic when I remind him to be. Only when I send him cute little quotes will he send some back around the same time. But if I don’t, it will be weeks before he sends one of his own. And if I just keep reminding him its like I am dating myself because I am telling him to be romantic, so in the end I am making him do it when I want it to come from his heart because he loves me.

It sounds like I am complaining, because I am and I have the right to. I just wonder if this is how its going to be all the time. Am I always going to have to beg for romance? Will I always feel this way? I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be caught off guard with a cute little gift. I want to cry happy emotional tears of joy. I do a lot of title romantic shit, I would just like it to be reciprocated.

I sometimes do a full circle and blame myself. I am needy, I tell myself. Maybe I am just asking for way too much? I should just be happy with what I have right? I should just feel content? Why can’t I just feel satisfied?

I feel that “I’m searching for something that I can’t reach.” (Halsey).

2 Responses to “I’m Searching For Something That I Can’t Reach”

  1. Eman

    No shame in having needs or things you prefer in life. No it won’t always be that way perhaps it comes down to compatibility? And for you romance is about sharing joy, communication, humour and love – the question is do you feel love, joyful and fulfilled in your relationship at a deeper level? Romance maybe a metaphor for a deeper fulfillment you are seeking. Just food for thought 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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