Another Surgery, Another Interview

I had a really long day the other day, Friday.

My mom had yet another surgery, and I had another job interview. There was also no food in the fridge so we needed that as well. For the most part my morning was super hectic.

These surgeries are getting to feel numb to me. When my mom tells me she has another one in a couple of weeks I already know the routine.

She wont eat 12 hours ahead, we wake up at the peak of dawn, drive to the hospital, register in, go upstairs, then register me as the “driver”, sit and wait to be called in, get called and she changes into a gown, wait a little more and then go into yet another room where the surgeons talk and the anesthesiologist lets my mom know she is in safe hands, she then gets a really small dose of the anesthesia, and then bam, shes rolled away to the OR and in surgery and I’m left waiting until they call me.

To some these seem like a lot, but to me its just a simple doctor visit. I wish it didn’t sound as cruel as it sounded but even for my mom its become a part of life, as if its a thing everyone goes through. She wasn’t even nervous this time around, she was a boss, she walked with confidence and was eager to just be done with it.

This feeling of “insensitivity” (which is not even an accurate definition of the feeling) doesn’t make the experience any less sucky. We still hate that she has to go through all of this, granted she is cancer free now and has been for 3 years, but the after math this thing causes is so bad. The good part is that its over for now and shes back home happily sleeping and dreaming in drug land with unicorns and talking butterflies.

Meanwhile, I had to go to an interview. I left the hospital as soon as they took her in and went grocery shopping. This isn’t the first time I leave when shes under surgery. My thought is sure I can stay but what is that going to do? Am I going to help the Surgeons? Plus, I need to keep my brain busy or else it wonders and then I can’t find it.

I bought the groceries we needed and headed home to put them away and change to go to my interview. I wasn’t nervous and I wasn’t excited, I was rushing with everything that I didn’t even have time to feel. It was the only slot they had and it was unfortunately around the same time that my mom was in surgery.

Now, lets talk about the interview. They really don’t scare me. You either like me or you don’t, period. Yes, I’m going to talk good about myself and sell you the best person that you can possible hire, but I’m not going to sell myself out either.

The position that they posted said “customer service” and the description had something to do with being the middle man between the company and the clients. I thought I was going to get a desk and a phone. But no, the lady who interviewed me and another girl (I guess they decided to do a two for one special) told us that we would be placed in stores and walk around and ask people if they want solar panels. WTF. THEN PUT THAT IN YOUR FUCKING DESCRIPTION LADY.

Before entering the interview, me and the other person getting interviewed started talking in the waiting room. She said how she can’t stand jobs that post that they are customer service jobs but its actually marketing. That you have to go out door to door and sell things, or make cold calls. She didn’t want that, I don’t either, boy were we in for a surprise.

Once I picked up my mom and came home, I received a call from the secretary of the company that said that the interviewer really liked me and would like me to return for a one on one interview for the next step. I politely declined.

I don’t know if this makes sense but I’ll say it anyways, on some days I am a people person and on others I don’t even want to talk to the voices in my head. So no, I could not take the job.

So there’s that. I am not upset and I don’t think I am sad, I just feel blah. Like ugh what can I do? That’s just life. I almost ate my feelings by going to Starbucks and ordering something super sweet and unhealthy, but I didn’t.

Because I remembered, I don’t have a job, and I don’t have any money.

Nicole

Six years ago I started working at a fast food restaurant where I met my one of best friends. In a couple of weeks, this friend will be leaving California and moving to another state, I decided to dedicate this post to her,

Nicole this one’s for you.

 

I don’t think I have this type of relationship with any of my other friends as I do with her. We know each other one a personal level. We talk about life, love, and sex (graphically). Very personal things.

But it wasn’t always like this. We have had our rough patches here and there. I think that all the great friends in the past have to go through shit in order for them to have a strong bond. If you really look at it it’s really cool how we’ve been through so much and we have managed to stay friends.

I know I’ve pissed her off, I know she has to me, but I’m an emotional bitch so I’ve been hurt more (but that’s more my fault then hers).

When I met her I thought she was great. I liked her, she seemed nice and outgoing, social, and she seemed to not care what people thought of her. All the qualities I wanted in myself.

Sadly I let rumors get the best of me and I slowly ditched myself from her. There was a point that I even blocked her from all social media and we lost touch. But we ended up getting back to being friends after a while.

She reached out like she always has and there’s nothing I can say to match the appreciation I feel towards that effort. She was there when many people weren’t. She would listen to me and tell me straight how it is, even when I didn’t agree with her or she knew I wouldn’t like what she had to say.

She was the first person I came out to. Granted I came out to her as bi and then for the next years played hide and seek in the closet, she was still there for every moment.

She’s a bad ass. If you want someone to tell you how it is, she will. There is no sugar coating it. A lot of people don’t like that, but I do. It means I can be real with her as well , and though it took me many years, I learned it from her.

Now six years have past, so many things have happened in such a short amount of times in both of our lives. None of them have been just minor situations. She’s almost like the sister I never had but always wanted.

Nicole, I know you’re leaving and it feels like the world is ending for you. It almost feels as if I’m losing a little part of myself. But I hope you can take a little part of me with you and never forget me. I know changes are coming for both of us and we might not be as close in the physical sense as we may want to be, but I won’t let our friendship get disconnected. We have so many ways of staying connected. You are the only person I know who I was brave enough and had so much trust in to let you know about this Blog. I let you into the most vulnerable parts of my brain and heart by doing so, and you have never judged me for it.

I wish you nothing but the best, I wish you all the luck I can possibly wish for you. I know you’re brave and strong and even though new territories are scary and intimidating remember that you are more. I want to visit when I can, I want to stay connected, I want to meet your kids when you have them, I want you in my life for the rest of it.

Nicole, in you, I have found a friend for life.

Good luck,

Love,

Pedro ❤️

First World Basic Bitch

This is my third week on my internship and I have realized that I have yet to write about it. Maybe because I think that it’s really not that interesting. All I am doing for now is translate manuals and company brochures. At first I didn’t know if it was racism, because I am Spanish speaking, but now I’m kind of over it.

They could have me doing other things I suppose, since I am going to school to be an office professional not a translate, but that’s neither here or there.intership_dog I only go two times a week and its only for seven hours. Its super easy so that’s mainly why I don’t really complain…

The thing is that it does get really repetitive. At the same time I tell my self that they’re feeling me out to see what I can do? I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t want to go since its 40 mins away and I don’t have a job to pay for gas, but its one of those things where you have to just struggle through it and take it until the end. If I don’t then all this time will have been wasted. Plus I think that I only need about 3 or 4 months of this left so its not that bad, and the people that work there are really nice.

I guess I’m just being a first world basic complaining bitch.

Spiral of Questions

Have you ever been in a situation where you knew something about someone or something that they did, you ask them, and they deny it but they don’t know that you already know all the facts?

I know, that’s a mouth full. But it has recently happened to me and I don’t really know how to feel about it. I never thought that I would be in this situation and I also didn’t think that I would feel this bad about it.

Now I don’t know what to do about it. First, my brain is in a spiral of questions. Why didn’t they just tell me? Do they not trust me? Do they think I will be judging them? What am I doing know that is making them feel the way they feel in concealing what they are hiding from me?

I didn’t ask directly but I did ask this person something in regards to my concern. I thought they were going to tell me, I thought they were going to come clean. No, what they didn’t isn’t even bad, I shouldn’t be concerned regarding the fact that they did what they did, its actually something that I would have been ok with if we would have talked about it because we have before. It’s the fact that they did it and they didn’t tell me, and them when they had the option to they still didn’t.

Then this all leads me to think that they may do this with other things. They may hid things that I didn’t even know. Trust, that is what I am looking for. Have I not demonstrated enough of it to show that I can be trusted?

I want to wave it off, tell my brain to stop overthinking because its just hurting me. Or should I just ask them? Tell them I came across something, and see what they’re reaction is. But now its too late, too much time has passed.

Maybe with time they will have the need to tell me themselves, but if I gave them a chance why didn’t they then and there.

I’m reading too into this and I know it.

 

 

 

I’m Just Saying

It’s Valentine’s Day. (Sigh) I know, I know, if you’re single you could care less, or maybe you’re with someone and don’t care about it at all. Or maybe you’re like me and have a mixed feeling about it. What ever your mentality may be about it, it’s here, you like it or not.

There has been a lot of hate towards this day, and I’ve seen a lot of it. Not necessarily from single people but from people who are “above us all” and think they have won at life or something (I don’t really know, they’re entitled, ask them).

Yes, it’s over commercialized, and yes, it shouldn’t be the only day you profess your love to your significant other. But doesn’t every other holiday do that?

If you feel that Valentine’s Day is another day for companies to make money, don’t you feel the same way about Christmas? Thanksgiving? Halloween? No? But I bet your ass still goes out and buys a tree, you still go out and treat or treat. You still invite family over and eat a big fat bird. So I’m sitting here asking you, why you hating on V day bruh? (Maybe you just need a hug?)

Can’t you give presents out any other time of the year? Why does it have to be Christmas? You can’t give thanks unless you’re sitting across from that one aunt that judges all of your life decisions? You can’t be “spooky” or watch a scary movie unless it’s The Witching Hour of October?

I’m just saying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . You don’t have to celebrate anything if you’re complaining that it’s just another ploy for companies to make money off of you. Either way they still do, just on different holidays, didn’t think about that did you? 😌

Now, this is all coming from someone who all his life couldn’t even celebrate the sun coming up in the morning because only ‘god’ deserved the glory (cults… they’re fun), so you might understand why I appreciate almost every holiday there is out there. Because at one point in my life I couldn’t.

Even when I was single I would sit hours day dreaming about the day that I could have a valentine. Never in those wildest dreams did I ever think it would come to reality.

So you’ll have to excuuuuse me as I gather my chocolates and flowers that I bought at an unreasonably amount and go enjoy this day with my Boyfriend.

Cheesy And Corny

Valentines Day is a week away.

I know, I’m sorry if you are single, trust me I feel you. Even though I am in a relationship I might as well be single for this holiday. It sounds bad, and to be honest I should just give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. I mean we have never spent a romantic holiday like this together, its our first, so how would I even know that its going to be any less romantic than what I have already planned in my head? I must be a bad boyfriend.

Well, my boyfriend isn’t really the most romantic person. I on the other hand, oof, I have all these things planned for him already. I am actually starting tomorrow. Valentines falls on the day right after our four month anniversary. (Yes, I am one of those. I say ‘I’ because he just follows along with me just to make me happy but he could care less about those things if I wouldn’t care, aka bug him about it).

Anyways, since those two days are so close together I thought I would get him something cute a week early. He is really into Drag, (which is one of the many things that annoy me about him, but this is not the time or place), so I decided to buy him a vinyl figure of his favorite Drag Queen that just recently was released. I was lucky enough to get the very last one available.

AdorePopI plan to gift wrap it and give it to him as a pre-anniversary/Valentines Day gift. I know he’s going to freak out and love it. He is always saying catch phrases from the show (ugh) and will always make references, (you know at times its actually cute).

LoveCardThen the very day of Valentines (which he took off just to spend together, which was super sweet of him, didn’t see it coming at all) I am going to give him the first love card? Is that what they are called? Those greeting cards, but Valentines version. Of course I will add my own pizzazz on it when I give it to him.

HisOneHisOnlyI have a total of three to give him thorough out the day. I also have some key chains that say “his only” and “his one” and candy in heart shaped boxes. They are so cute! To top it all off I bought this light that is almost similar to a neon light, but it says “I love you” and it also changes color.

ILoveYouLightGoooooodness, I am so excited to see his expressions! This is my first Valentines that I am spending with someone other than myself this year, so you bet your little red heart that I am going all out. When I was single I would always picture myself with someone celebrating this day. I know that its sappy, and cheesy, but I LIVE for this stuff. You should see the inside of my imagination, nothing but a pink and red haze, with unicorns farting rainbows and barfing up puffy cute little heart shaped clouds.

RomanticUnicornsUnfortunately, nothing that I have ever dreamed of has gone according to my architectural imagination. So I have to brace myself for what ever it is that my boyfriend gets me. I know that its not what he gets me, he still loves me, I just think its cute. And it makes me appreciate him more, I mean isn’t it so cute to think that a person was out in the world looking for something to give to you, thinking of you, thinking of all the things that might put a smile on your face?

No? Just me? Uh ok.

YOU’RE TOO LOUD

I don’t know how to say this in the nicest way. Hmmm.

Loud people are fucking annoying as fuck and I just dislike them so much. 🙂 YoureTooLoud

There is a difference between people that are really outgoing and people that are just flat out loud. Maybe I should start by explaining why loud people annoy me.

First, they drain my social battery. They are always talking, and its not just “talking”, no, at this point its yelling. They can’t have a conversation with you because they are basically having a conversation with anyone who is at an ears distant away, aka anyone with ears. Calm down Karen, no one cares about the guy who cut you off back in 2013 in your brand new Subaru.

Another thing is that even when they are speaking this loud, they still feel the need to ‘speak’ right in your face. As if we can’t hear you. We’re not in a club, you could hear a pin drop but this dude decides to just raise his voice to tell me how his kid lost one of his socks but in fact he was just wearing it. . . and then it happens.

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, oh boy, they laugh. Um, hello, hi Joker? Hearing them laugh sometimes scars me more than my alarm in the mornings. I am not one to draw attention to myself, to add to that I hate when other people are listening to my conversations, even when they are about the most dumb things, its none of their business, if I wanted you hear I would be talking to you.

I have always been self conscience of myself. I know that its not entirely a good thing but in a way it is. Or maybe I just have common sense not to to be yelling my conversations across a room. I know what an appropriate volume is, and if I’m excited about something I’m not going to be running around like a chicken looking for its chopped off head.

The difference between people who are just outgoing and loud people is that they know how to carry a conversation like a regular human being should. I know so many good conversationalist that can literally talk up a storm, but they aren’t yelling in my ear. Yes, some people just are who they are but who they are is too loud (lol).

I guess what I’m trying to say is some people need to calm down, they need to lower their hype. I get it your excited you exist but dude, chill.

 

I Was (Allegedly) Possessed

I woke up pretty well today. I spend all my weekends at my boyfriends house and since my sleeping schedule is fucked the fuck up really bad I usually wake up before him. I usually just spend my time watching Netflix or some YouTube videos in the meantime.

Today, I watched the Superbowl ads that I missed yesterday. The crazy did’t start until he woke up though. He looked at me with freaked out eyes, as if I had done something horribly wrong (which in a way I guess you could say it was).

According to him, in the middle of the night he was awaken by me. I was laying face up looking at the ceiling, eyes wide open, one hand in the air pointed towards the ceiling. He said I was chanting something or mumbling… well actually his exact words were “you were speaking in tongues”.

At the end of my “speech” or “chant”, I dramatically turn my head (as the ‘possessed people’ do in horror movies) and locked eyes with him. Meanwhile, he said the door was making cracking sounds along with the closet.

(Back to the present). At this point of his story I look at him and laugh. I for real thought he was kidding. I was waiting for him to say that it was just a cruel joke, if it was, that he wanted me to believe that he could make me think that I was possessed by a demon or something.

I asked him if he was joking, which he was not, to what he then added that he thought I was pulling a prank on him in the middle of the night. At the time he didn’t understand it (the joke) but he still thought it was one. But now talking to me and seeing how freaked out I was, then he knew it wasn’t.

We, as uneducated individuals, came to the conclusions that I was possessed and that someone is after me. The End. possessed

Just kidding. Even though we had a good laugh about it in the end I did do my own research. My brother and mom have told me before that I do sometimes talk in my sleep. To add to that I have woken up screaming so there’s that to unload.

I know that it’s not a demon of course (at least I am hoping that it’s not). Like I said at the beginning my sleeping schedule sucks. Its down right horrible. I have been kind of stressed about interning, money, and then other personal things. Plus my eating habits have not been really good as of lately, and that doesn’t really help the situation either.

All these factors can point me into a better understand of why I am talking in my sleep. (Or trying to contact Satan). And the things I should probably change, the habits I need to improve on.

Now, the whole door and closet making noise thing, that. . . that I can’t explain.

Sexual Intercourse

lets talk about

Sex. You have it, I have it, like it or not your parents one time had it too, maybe they still do who knows? If they do props to them.

Are you uncomfortable talking about sex? I know some people hate the word but they love the action. I don’t judge, there is a lot of things involved with that word.

I don’t think we should be ashamed of it though. I remember when I was a child and I would be watching something on TV with my parents, when ever there was a kissing scene I would immediately go to the restroom, or I would act as if I wasn’t even paying attention to the TV, uninterested. As if I was going to get in trouble for seeing such graphic scene.

I was raised in a strict Christian home, which is probably why I thought that way. The only time I heard the word sex was at school, at church it was called “sexual intercourse”, which was only allowed when one would marry.

In my opinion sex is great, specially if you are doing it with someone you love and really care about. If you’re having fun that’s cool too, just be safe with your body, you only have one, take care of it.

I think talking about sex shouldn’t be taboo. Sure, you’re not going to sit at your child’s award assembly and brag to the PTA moms how hard Mr. Smith be hittin’ it. There is a place and time for every thing.

If you don’t like to talk about sex that’s fine too. We all have our right to privacy and sex is one of the most intimate things people do. I just think the shaming of people who have a lot of it needs to stop, for woman, and even men.

When you tell someone to stop doing something that they like, they’re only going to do it more, or they’re going to do it out of spite.

So have (safe) sex. Or don’t, it’s always up to you and only you.