Time Will Tell

It has been a long while since I have been on here. To tell you the truth its because nothing much has happened. How is your quarantine doing? I wish things would go back to normal already, I really miss going out, seeing my boyfriend, and just being able to be out in public. I know it sounds weird because I am not that much of a social person but I still miss it from time to time.

The other only news I have is that my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. This is a big step for us and honestly I would really like to. I know that with doing so it will bring upon us a lot of challenges, but he said hes down for it.

I really appreciate the fact that he really cares about me and loves me. I always thought that I would never find someone who would feel that way about me. It feels nice.

The only thing that worries me is my family. My mom mostly. She is going to be really against it. Specially because he is a man. Or maybe she wont care?

I know that with what is going on and everything her faith in God is stronger than ever, these times only prove what they preach to be right, the ends of times. Which in part is scary but on the other hand is kind of silly since there has been major pandemics in history before and the world kept spinning after.

How do I tell her? Hey mom, so I’m gay and I’m moving in with a man? Not the very most effective way but it gets the message across. Time will tell though.

Part of me feels like I’m betraying them, my family. Running off with a guy I met, leaving them behind to fend for themselves. I mean they need me, or do they? Do I just tell myself that to feel better? But at the same time isn’t that part of life? I mean I still want to be a part of my mothers life and help her out with what ever she may need, if only she would let me.

Time will tell.

Tell the Tale

Yesterday I contemplated dyeing my hair blond. I had been watching over three hours of YouTube watching guys dye their hair. It seems easy enough and I might even look good if I did end up doing it. But why? Why did I feel the need to do that? Am I having a mental break down? Seems like everyone is dying their hair or cutting it these days, and I’ll tell you what, it doesn’t look good hun.

My boyfriend wants me to grow a beard. He said I might look good, I also spent hours watching how to grow and trim the best beard. But do I want one?

Who am I going to be if I come out of this quarantine with blond platinum hair and a beard? Not myself I’ll tell you that. I hate growing out my beard, I look odd, as if I don’t belong to the human race, like a poser just trying to fit in. And the whole dying my hair blond is just not like me.

I soon went down a spiral on YouTube watching all these after care hair videos that made me decide not to do it, thank goodness. It takes a lot of time, energy, and money to take care of bleached hair. And I only have one of those things.

So instead today I woke up loving myself. I don’t need a beard, I love my clean shaven face (even if I look 16), I love my black charcoal hair. And so what if I gained weight during quarantine? This is not the time for a makeover, this is the time to stay calm and chill and wait until the world goes back to the way it was.

I can’t act like everyday is just the same, no its different, and its ok. I will get through this and so will you. You don’t have to come out of this looking like a Calvin Klein model, you have to come out of this with your sanity and feeling good that you made it, stayed indoors, and can live to tell the tale.

Life/Voice

Where are you taking me?

I know I can’t ask much from you, though I have never really asked for much in the first place.

I feel like right now I am in a state between knowing what I have to do and not knowing at all what I should do.

I feel as if I am swimming. At one point it feels as though I am moving along with the water and it feels free and liberating, I almost make no movement while I float on and let the waves carry me where ever they want. But then once I notice, the waves are only taking me to sharp rocks with thousand feet water falls filled with sharks at the bottom ready to devour what ever drops down, that’s when I know I have been tricked.

I know that geographically speaking this is impossible, but its possible in my head. It happens. If I swim against the current I get weak and my body aches, my head starts throbbing and I can barely breathe. Why do I even try? I ask myself, but I do not respond.

Is it that I do not even want to talk to myself? Or is it that at this point there is no sense in speaking to my inner conscience? Has he given in to what life has thrown at him? Settled for less than what he wanted? Gave up on the dream he once had? Is he fading away into the vast darkness he was once running away from?

What do I tell him when he asks why he should keep swimming, when I myself do not have the answer? Should I lie? Should I make him believe in more lies just to keep him going? Because without him, then who am I? We need each other do we not? Or can one survive without that little voice in their head telling them right from wrong. Happy from sad. Everything and nothing.

The little voice in my head is fading, everyday it gets more faint than the day before. Should I be happy? Should I be sad? I tried asking him, but again he did not reply.

Naive

I am naive.

I never thought I could be but I am. It’s funny how the ones that say they will never be fooled, are the fools that are fooling themselves, it’s a plot twist not even I saw coming.

All this time I have been walking this earth not knowing how foolish I have become. Believing in things that will never happen. Believing in people that will never change. Believing that a simpler time for me is just ahead. Believing in dreams.

You know when you speak to someone, or even in movies, and they tell you, “you can’t change people.” It’s honestly true. The thing that you don’t know is that, you on your own have to discover that you can’t change people, stop, they won’t change.

They are going to be who ever they want to be no matter what. No matter how much you tell them something bothers you, no matter how much you ask them to treat you differently, they will always act and be who ever the fuck they want to be. And why should they change for you? Even if you were to change something about yourself for them, they would over look it.

I know this is part of growing up, realizing this, a part of life. But it doesn’t make me feel any much less of a loser.

A loser in many different aspects. Loser of time. loser of energy. And even a loser of faith. Just a loser.