Feeling Better.

I just came back from going “home”.

It was nice to see my dogs, I’m not very sure if they missed me at all though, they seemed very underwhelmed.

My mom was there but she didn’t speak to me or even acknowledge my presence. Most of the time that I was there she stayed in the kitchen cooking. I didn’t bother to say hi or try to speak to her, I know it wouldn’t have turned out ok.

It was nice catching up with my brother though. I enjoyed the brief moment we had. He told me what my mom has done. Shes told the “elders” in the congregation about me. They told her that they saw it coming somehow. He also informed me that she got into a small dispute with the neighbor (who is also a Jehovah’s Witness) because she didn’t tell my mom that she thought I was gay.

I don’t know when I’ll see my mom, or even if I will see her ever again. Who knows. But I’m glad I was able to feel better, even thought I hate to say so.

 

Sinking In

It has been a little over a week since I left home for coming out. I think it barley sunk in yesterday, though I still don’t feel as if I am at “home”.

I can say that I am feeling a little home sick though. I miss my dogs, I miss my bed, I miss a lot of things I used to do when I was alone and I could. But now things are different and even thought my boyfriends house doesn’t feel strange anymore it still doesn’t feel like home. Maybe soon it will.

Today I have to go back home and change some bills over to my brother since I no longer live there. I also have to pick up somethings that I left behind because my car was already to full when I left the first time.

I have been thinking about how it will be seeing my mom after all this. I doubt she will come out of her room or even acknowledge my presence. I know her and I know how she is and what she stands for so its pretty obvious to me how shes going to be. I just hope its easy for me.

Day 2

I don’t know if I can say that I have been feeling any better than I did on the first day. It has only been two days since I came out, even though it feels like both years ago and just yesterday at the same time.

I told a couple of my close friends what was going on and they have been really supportive. I do have very loving friends and they care about me a lot and it makes me feel really special and loved.

I still have some things that I left back at my moms house. I don’t know when or if I will ever go pick them up. I have my dogs there, I would love to bring them here with me but as the situation looks right now I think they’re better off over there.

I still need to get used to living somewhere else. It feels odd. Nothing is mine and I feel as if I’m intruding on someones personal space. I don’t like to be a burden either. But I guess its something that with time I will have to get used to. I’m with my boyfriend so it shouldn’t feel as though I am with a stranger anyways. Although, everything right now seems super strange.

Yesterday I almost didn’t do any schoolwork. I was to tired. So today I have to go at it hard. There are only about 3 weeks left until I get my certificate of completion. My job said they wouldn’t make me full time but I’m good with the part time for now.

One step at a time. I’m not any better than I was before, but I am OK.

. . .

Empty, hollow, lifeless.

Those were the words I used to describe how I felt yesterday to a friend. I was numb, my body didn’t even know what was going on, and everything felt foreign. Even while I was unpacking my things at my boyfriends house it didn’t seem real. It felt like when you go on vacation and it doesn’t feel like home but at the same time you know your’re going to be sleeping there for the mean time.

*************

I got home from work yesterday and that’s when it all started. My mom asked the questions and I answered them. Did I try to defend myself when she was saying things? Did I try to justify my reasons for being gay? Did I try to make her understand? No. I just sat there, for what felt like years, while she said things I will probably never be able to let go.

Every word she said, some how hurt less and less until I just couldn’t feel any more. For a second I almost believe her, and part of me kind of still does.

“Pack your things and leave.”

The one who gave me life, the one who raised me to be the person I am now, the one person I thought I would never lose, I lost. The people that have told tell me that one day she will reach out, one day she will change her point of view. And I do appreciate all the kind words that they say, and how optimistic they seem. But they don’t understand, this woman, the woman who hasn’t had a relationship with her own sisters for more than 20 years because they are not in the same religion, this woman who lives and breathes what the Bible says, this woman, will not take me back.

I will never be able to sit down and have a pleasant conversation with her again. I will never be able to laugh with her again. I wont be able to be around her. She wont be in my life.

I would have loved to be one of those people that say, “well if she doesn’t love me for me then I don’t need her in my life”. But I am not. I love my mom. I will always even if she doesn’t accept me. She raised me by herself and did a great job. I could never complain about her.

This is the only thing that changed things. Maybe if she would have been a terrible mother then this would have been easy. But she wasn’t.

It started to hit me when I dropped my brother off at work. We talked a bit before he went in. Before then I hadn’t cried. Then when I saw him leave it all hit me like a bus. When will I see him? How will my mom treat him knowing that he knew this whole time? How will he cope with her being like that and me being gone?

I told him to please stay in touch. He said he would. And I hope with everything that I have that he wont have it too bad. And I hope that my mom can get over this. I know she wont accept me. I know. But I don’t want her to be hurting.

I don’t know when I will stop crying. But I want it to be soon because my eyes feel like I’m crying melted glass instead of tears.

Is That Guy You Have Been Talking to Gay?

I’m coming out to my mom today.

***********************

This past weekend was the first weekend I got to spend time with my boyfriend since the whole quarantine situation started. I have been Face Timing with him ever since, so it was really nice when I finally was able to see him again after so long.

My mom never asked me any questions regarding him, she has seen me face time him before. But I was sure that she had questions on her mind. It wasn’t until this past Saturday that she finally let me know what was on her mind.

I got my bag ready for the weekend, as I do when I head out to see my boyfriend. I put my things in my car, as I was about to leave she asked me, “is that guy you have been talking to gay?” Notice how she didn’t ask if I was gay, because in her mind I can’t possibly be. So then this other person must be gay, and therefore is the person that is trying to make me turn to his ways.

I didn’t want to ruin my weekend, plus I wasn’t ready for this conversation at the moment, so I told her that we would talk about it when I would come back.

Over the weekend I got a bunch of text messages from her saying how she didn’t raise me to be that way, how she hopes I’m not what she thinks I am, and how she doesn’t know who I am anymore. I didn’t reply to any of them. There is no reason in fighting or trying to make her understand, its just a ‘it is what it is’ situation.

I went home Sunday night but she was asleep already so I didn’t get to see her. Today I woke up and got ready for work and left before she had awaken. I know she will be waiting for me when I get home this afternoon. And she’ll ask me the same question. “Is that guy you have been talking to gay?”

And I will say,

“Yes, yes he is, and so am I.”

 

Some Good News

This Monday I received a call from my (old) internship. I didn’t answer the first time because I’m scared of phone calls like a cat is scared of a cucumber, but I got in touch with them a little later and they offered me a part time job.

This was some good news, I mean after everything that is going on it’s nice to have something good happen for once right?

Although, I did think about it. It wasn’t and instant yes! Take me now! no, it was more of a well, sure if you guys are busy type of deal. The thing is that the Job (feels weird calling it that now) is about 40 minutes away. Its a drive, but on the bright side there is no traffic at all, never has been and now that many people are at home I doubt there will even be cars on the road but we will see, I don’t want to jinx myself.

Anyways, that was one factor, the drive. Then I started thinking about the pay, would I get paid well? Not sure, not even now that I accepted the job. They told me to think of a number and then we would talk about it when I go in for orientation. I have been researching what the average pay is for what I will be doing, then it will be determined by them if they accept that number or not.

It’s part time for now, only two days out of the week. I still have school the other three so I can’t work those days until I graduate in the beginning of June.

What else was I going to do? Looking for a job right now is kind of hard, specially with my schedule. Maybe this could turn into a full time job, or maybe it’s a stepping stone to the next chapter of my life, where ever that may be.

But I am very grateful that they thought of me and that they even considered hiring me for a part time job. I feel really good about myself, and I love the fact that they really enjoyed having me when I was with them for my internship, even if the internship was very short lived.

Stay Healthy.

You would think that by being at home I would be able to write more, but it seems by brain has been drain from so many Netflix watching and junk food eating that I lost track of time when there time didn’t exist.

I’ve been doing all my school work from home it really reminds me of my home schooled days back in High school. I was home schooled all of high school and it wasn’t that bad. Now it feels the same because out teacher just gives us assignments and we basically have to teach it to ourselves. It’s not that bad though.

I weighed myself the other day, I have gained about 10 or so Quarantine wight. Not sure if that is a thing but it should be. It has almost been two months that I have not actually gone anywhere but the store for groceries. I really can’t wait until things go back to normal.

I don’t want to party, and I don’t want to go to clubs as all the memes on Instagram are saying. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend, go to the movies, go out and eat, go hiking. All the cute things that we used to do before this mess.

This week I started getting up early and going for a walk. It is a walk right now but I may want to switch it up into a job later on, when my body gets used to it a little more. It feels nice, and I thought it was going to be hard waking up early and getting in the routine but it hasn’t which is a good thing. I also started to eat way healthier than I was back in April.

I don’t know about you but we are still in lock down and we have about two more weeks to go, unless they decide to extend it again. I don’t think they will but even when they do open I know there will be a lot of restrictions. Which to me is a good thing, I don’t want there to be another phase of this thing.

I hope everyone is doing well and being safe, stay healthy.