I Understand That She Doesn’t Understand

It has been officially a little over a month since I left home (or was kicked out if you want to be cruel).

I don’t know where my emotions sit at the moment. I miss my mother. I haven’t seen her in the amount of time that I have been away from home. Every time I think about her and my brother I get super emotional. Part of me even wishes things would go back to the way they were.

Will that feeling ever go away? This wave of sadness that I get when I look back on my past and see my family in it, then look to the present and see that they are no longer there?

I know many people would tell me that it will go away, that it will get better and I will feel great about it. But what if I don’t want it to? I feel sort of guilty just thinking of the day I will look back and not feel a thing, or feel happy that I was kicked out. Why is that?

I have heard it all before, I’m so happy I was kicked out that’s how I found myself, my life didn’t really start until I was kicked out, or whatever. What a load of BS. I will never be happy that my mom is not talking to me, I will never be ok that she thinks the worst of me, I will never be ok with any of this.

I love my mother even though she may hate me at the moment. I understand that she doesn’t understand. That isn’t a valid reason to hate her like many people in my situation usually do.

As much as I’d like her to understand, she wont. I have accepted that, but just because I have, that doesn’t automatically remove the hurt.

3 thoughts on “I Understand That She Doesn’t Understand

  1. Yeah, well I can’t say I understand exactly what that feels like, because I hate when people say that to me. But have seen what you are going through before. If something bad happened, that led to you getting kicked out, then try doing something that will make up for it. Ex: Call you mother (or text either or) and tell her what whatever happened, happened. Tell her how you feel. Tell her things that you have kind of kept hidden and just let it all out. I find it best to take her somewhere nice, or someplace she likes. Or just request a day from her where you can just sit down and talk with her. And also try and find out what she was feeling about you at the moment. Mother’s will always have love, it just get’s misplaces sometimes. Talk to her, and try and have her find it again.

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    • I was kicked out for being gay, and since she is in a religion that will not accept anyone like that, she is not allowed to speak to me anymore or else she will also be kicked out of the religion, so she had to choose one, and she did.

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  2. Losing your family will always hurt – even if the pain lessens over time. You are connected with your mother through DNA, soul, and memories – and it hurts when who you are isn’t accepted by someone that you love. Keep taking it day by day – and you never know what the future holds. Maybe she will always have these belief’s …. or maybe something will resound within her to know that it isn’t right to lose your children over how God created them.

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