Memories

I broke down today.

I was at work and it was a pretty good day. No rush work, the environment was extra friendly. I even had a little time to myself at my desk.

I went on my website and thought ‘hmm what was I doing in July 3 years ago?’. Of course it had to do something with my mother. It was during one of her firsts surgeries for her breast cancer. I got emotional. I felt what I felt in those moments back then, I relived those days, and the I came back and felt the pain that is today that we no longer talk.

It is nice to have this site and look back to what once was. Some memories are worth reading over again and reliving the feelings. But others hurt. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I’m still wounded by everything that is happening and has happened.

But when is it ok to be over it? When is it ok to just say that your mother doesn’t accept you for you and move on with your life? Isn’t that sad? It sounds so sad to me.

How Long Will This Last?

Yesterday I thought I would leave this world and this time I’m not joking.

I had a fever of 103(c) degrees, I had lower back pain, and by then end of the day my fingers started feeling numb and I could’t feel what I was touching.

It was unbearable! We almost ended up going to the ER but he stopped by the store on his way to work and got me some pills that worked marvelously. They did take a while to hit but my body soon went to normal again. Today I woke up without a fever and feeling like myself again. What happened? I don’t know but I feel like it was voodoo.

Anyways, yesterday during my almost death bed, I got a call from and Elder from my ex-church. I didn’t answer because the call came in as unknown. When I heard the voicmail I know who it was before they introduced themselves. They told me to call back because they wanted to talk. Of course I wont be calling back.

I know why they are calling now. They want to tell me that I will no longer be a Jehovah Witness. Or, they will ask if I want to repent and say that everything that I have done is a mistake, I regret it, and I will go back and work hard to be the model good christian that they want me to be. But, that’s not going to happen either.

What’s funny is that another person from that church contacted me as well today through text. He used to be a close friend. I didn’t text him back either. What I find funny is that the person who called me yesterday probably told the person who texted me today that I didn’t call back. They’re all connected.

It’s annoying that they are just trying to contact me. I have already started a new life somewhere else, with new people, and I don’t want to hear from them. On the other side it makes me kind of sad because a whole bunch of old feelings and memories come back in a blink of an eye.

Will there be more of them trying to get a hold of me? How long will this last?

Malibu Fantasy

My Malibu fantasy was cut short yesterday. Technically it didn’t even happen at all.

This weekend my boyfriend and I got an Air B&B in Malibu right at the beach. I thought it would be perfect. It was right on the beach, great location, good ratings, everything we wanted.

Except we weren’t going to be alone. I’ll take full responsibility for this though. Because it was my first time, I didn’t chose the room wisely. There are places you can get alone, and there are places where the owner is there just in a separate room.

Although, I feel like I thought the listing said private? But any who, we might have ended up staying if the guy wasn’t so picky.

As we walked in he told us no shoes on the carpet. Ok, I mean sure. Then he told us we had to eat outside on the balcony. No food or drinks in the rooms either. Which was all that we packed for. Snacks so we could chill in the room the whole night. I mean Corona wasn’t going to let us do much. And a list of another things I lost track of in the end.

Once the tour was over my boyfriend looked at me and I looked at him and with out a doubt we grabbed our things and canceled the reservation. Sadly we didn’t get our money back which SUCKS, but we came home and still had a some what nice of an evening, until everyone started shooting fireworks.

Maybe there will be another time to visit Malibu. But now I know for sure to make sure that the place we get doesn’t come with a picky over the top owner that lives in the place to watch over our every move.

Birthday Surprise

Yesterday I went to a friends house because she had invited me to go on a hike. I was excited because it had been a while since I last seen her, plus I love going on walks and hikes with friends.

I drove to her home and once she let me in I noticed how well dressed she was (not in athletic attire). Then she walked me to the dinning room and that’s when I saw the decorations and my other friends standing.

I have to say it was one of the best feelings I think I have ever felt. I don’t know why. I felt great. It was really nice, I was not expecting it at all! She had orchestrated this all by her self and it came out so cute.

To add on to the surprise she wrote me this really cute note that could have made me cry but I refuse to cry in front of people, but it was so sentimental and emotional I absolutely loved it.

Moments like this really make me feel special. Especially all the things she said in her little note she gave me. I had no idea, but I am glad she expressed herself.

I love my friends and I appreciate that they took their time and effort to do this for me it was great.