2013 Emails

The other day while at school, I decided to clean up my email folders and I found a conversation I had with someone back in 2013.

Just a little back story for you; At the time (2013) I had come to the conclusion that I was gay. I was in a religion that would not accept that, and I was also 17 living with a mother who would give her soul and life for said religion (oh how little has changed).

I searched online for any gay Jehovah Witness, because at that moment in time, I thought I was the only one. Surely there could not be another boy struggling with his sexuality inside a religion out there. I was wrong.

I found the story of this one guy who, after trying to take his life while being in this said religion, decided he was going to start living for himself. I was in tears when I read what he had to go through. His parents were more religious than my mom has ever been, they even had titles in the congregation, they were the perfect Christian family.

Its been a while and if I remember correctly he eventually left the religion once he met his boyfriend and came out to his family. Some left the religion with him and some stayed being and just shunned him and the ones who left, because that’s what they are trained to do.

I emailed him since he left his email at the end of his story, in case anyone needed to contact him. I look back and see how naive I was, and simply lost. At that time I thought my life was over. I felt so alone, so sad, helpless.

Once he emailed me back we started talking on a regular basis. We became friends. But we lost touch, but coming across those emails made me want to cry. They made me want to curl up in a ball and sleep for days. The sense of being alone and helpless rushed over me like a fever. But at the same time I wanted to know how he’s doing.

I emailed him. I still haven’t received a reply. Who knows, he might have changed his email address, or the email could have gone to spam. He might just not even remember who I am, I’m assuming I wasn’t the only one he got emails from back them. Hopefully he replies.

I started to think how different Me in the past and Me in the present are. I wonder what would happen if they were in a room together. The things I would tell my past self. Then I thought about the Me in the future. What is He going to think of the person that I am now? Will I be the same? Will my thoughts and opinions change? Who will I be in the next ten years?

Its a lot to think about.

Just Be Yourself

Why you should be yourself all the time.

That’s a fun statement, while I was typing it up I was thinking to myself, ugh hopefully who ever reads this isn’t a douche bag or just flat out annoying.

I have a strong belief that everyone should be who they are. Authentic. This comes at a price though, because some people are just plain assholes. (If you’re an asshole please leave, there’s no need for you to read on or even be yourself).

Sometimes we get lost in trying to be who we aren’t for people we want to impress. Why should you have to change yourself to be liked? If you have to change yourself maybe you need to sit back and think about who you are trying to change for. Maybe that’s what you need to change.

I struggled with this all my life. I wrote about it in the previous post. Its OK to change something about you that you know people don’t like. Maybe they don’t like how mean you are, maybe you’re too upfront.

You can’t use the excuse, this is who I am, I’m just real like this if they get offended they get offended. Ok sure, but hey if you look around and you barely have any friends or people are always bailing on you, maybe you need to tone down that “realness”. I mean props for being the best you that you can be, but you can do better. Have some common sense and grow some empathy.

You can be who you want to be without hurting others. Yes people get upset because you don’t think the same way you do, but there’s a difference between intentionally hurting people and people not liking you just because they don’t like something about you or your opinions, then that’s on them.

Now that I have started this new life trying to please only myself I have started to enjoy it more. I can talk to my friends without being scared, without tiptoeing around things. I meet new people and I don’t put on this facade that I am great and that they should love me.

I love myself. That’s all I need. Self love is so hard to achieve now a days with all the trolls every where, and people trying to tell you what’s right and wrong. Just be yourself, go after what you want. Don’t stop just because some one tells you that you can’t make it. Yes you can.

I’m Just Going To Be Me

I used to be the type of person that cared way too much about the simple insignificant things. If my friends wanted to do something I was not okay with, I would still allow them to have it their way. If a coworker wanted things to be done in a certain way I wouldn’t even question them, no matter how dumb their idea might have been. Upon meeting new people I always managed to win them over by simply agreeing to what they were saying even if it went against everything that I believed in.

Now that has changed.

But first, why did I feel the need to act this way? Why did I feel the need to please everyone? To make sure that there was nothing they could point out in me for them not to like me?

Since I was small I have always wanted to be accepted. I have always wanted to be liked. I mean who doesn’t? The feeling of rejection is one of the worst feelings a person can have, especially when it comes from someone or people we admire the most. So in my head I had to do and say everything that who ever I wanted to please would like. I think this is why I am so likable.

There were times where my roads would almost cross. Some might say that I was fake, and sure if that’s what you want to call it you can, but I mostly tried to be genuine but agreeing with everyone at the same time. It was a cruel game.

The thing is that you can’t agree with person A and person B because person A doesn’t agree or even like person B. That’s where it gets tricky, and since you want to please everyone what can you do? You have to chose a side. I hope this isn’t too confusing. This in the end also hurts me, I am not being my true authentic self. I’m just riding the wave of everyone else’s opinions. Which is not a happy way to live your life.

I decided a while ago that I would change that. I know that I hate when people are rude and mean. I also don’t want to come off as disrespectful. So how could I give my opinion or put myself first without hurting others? It’s impossible.

That was the first step. Accepting that I am not going to please everyone. People will get mad because of the way you think, or even because you can’t do the things they want you to do, or be there for them like a slave like you used to. Trust me they will notice, and they will tell you that you have changed for the worst. But you haven’t. you have changed for the better. You’re better, not theirs.

While this change in me has been happening (which will always be a work in progress) I have noticed that the people I once put on a golden throne and would die for hate it when they don’t get their way. They might even seemed shock that you are finally standing up to them. All these years that I have let them take control of the wheel and now that I finally say “that’s not what I want, that’s not what I  like” they seem to be offended.

I can understand their state of shock at first. All these years they think that it is ok to do the things that they do, to say the things that they say, or even treat me the way that they do just because there was no retaliation against them. So was I fake? Was I even a true friend? I will leave that up to them.

I wanted to be liked so much by so many people that I became a different person to all of them. That had to stop. I am no longer interested in pleasing anyone. Why should I when they have no interest in even being concerned as to ask if I am ok or not? I know that they do care for me, I’m not minimizing that.

I wont be rude, I wont be disrespectful, I’m just going to be Me.

 

Leave Your Phone Alone

Phones.

Some people really do have them glued onto their hands don’t they? It’s not bad to always have your phone with you. I know that now in the time that we live in we are all dependent on our phones. It being because we need to keep in touch with a loved one or for work reasons, the phone has become a major part of …our body.

But when is too far, too far? I usually have my phone with me at all times. I wont leave my home with out it. I even take it into the bathroom and listen to music while I shower. The phone has so many uses, from giving you directions to lighting up a dark room, the phone has become something that we need every single day. But just because I have my phone with me all the time does not mean that I am on it constantly. Its just at my side for when I need to use it.

Some people just don’t know how to put it down. They will be checking it every ten minutes. They will go on social media, people who use it for work will work on their phone even when their home away from their office or while they are on vacation.

The thing that bugs me the most is when you are eating with someone and all they do is check their phone every so often. Or they check it when they are bored, I guess you’re not entertaining enough then? You might as well be eating alone in that case. Do you grab your phone so you wont look weird next to the person you are with? Or do you just sit there and wait until they see how rude they are being?

I don’t mind if you have to occasionally text someone or you get a call. Just let me know you have to reply to someone. When you are talking to someone and they grab their phone and start texting or change their face expressions while staring at the screen, you already know that you have lost their attention. Not to mention its so disrespectful and just flat out rude.

I guess what I am trying to say is if you’re with someone, leave your phone alone. Put your phone down once in a while. I’m not saying leave with out it or lock it in the safety box, no. Put it down, look at where you are and what you are doing. Are you with some one you care about or that they care about you? Then maybe you should pay them the attention and not some robotic device.

I’m Searching For Something That I Can’t Reach

I am very romantic. I am border line cheesy and corny. Hey, I’m a nice guy. I love, love. And I understand that there are people out there that could care less about getting roses, about getting called sweet things, and would gag and barf at the sight of heart shaped balloons and chocolates, but not me. I want those things, I would kill for those things.

Valentines is around the corner and this will be the very first Valentines Day in my entire life when I actually have a significant other to share it with. I was never that person that hated the holiday because I was alone and single. When that time came around sure I would get sad but I would never get bitter. I would just sit back and think of all the romantic things I could be doing with a boyfriend. All the sweet cheesy corny things we could get each other. From little love notes on cards to big giant teddy bears. Its not just that day either, I think about being sweet all the time, that’s just how my brain works.

Now that I am in a relationship you think that this year will be different. But I don’t think it will. (I hate talking about this, it feels like I’m hating on him, so sorry my love if you ever get a chance to read this). My boyfriend is not romantic. He wouldn’t know what romance was if it hit him with a truck, stopped, backed up, and ran him over again.

I may be exaggerating but its true. Its not like I haven’t talked to him about it, we have. But it only got better for the shortest time. This relationship has become really hard form me because of that reason. Don’t get me wrong I love him to death, with all my heart, I just wish he was a little more romantic.

This isn’t something new to me. I have always been a hopeless romantic. That rose colored haze that couples in romance movies live in is what I have always craved. And its not just in movies. I see it every where I go. Romance. People doing these cheesy romantic things for their significant others just for the fun of it, its not even to prove anything its just because its cute and they want to do it.

He is only romantic when I remind him to be. Only when I send him cute little quotes will he send some back around the same time. But if I don’t, it will be weeks before he sends one of his own. And if I just keep reminding him its like I am dating myself because I am telling him to be romantic, so in the end I am making him do it when I want it to come from his heart because he loves me.

It sounds like I am complaining, because I am and I have the right to. I just wonder if this is how its going to be all the time. Am I always going to have to beg for romance? Will I always feel this way? I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be caught off guard with a cute little gift. I want to cry happy emotional tears of joy. I do a lot of title romantic shit, I would just like it to be reciprocated.

I sometimes do a full circle and blame myself. I am needy, I tell myself. Maybe I am just asking for way too much? I should just be happy with what I have right? I should just feel content? Why can’t I just feel satisfied?

I feel that “I’m searching for something that I can’t reach.” (Halsey).