One Month On Laxapro

I wasn’t unsure about writing this but I feel like I have to anyways. (In a good way of course).

 

For almost all my teenage years and the beginning of my adult life I had been unaware that I had anxiety and depression. I always thought that it was normal to feel the way I felt. Sure, there were times when I knew deep down inside that a person shouldn’t feel that way. But there was nothing I really ever did about it, or at least better said, there was nothing I felt I could do about it. I didn’t tell friends and I didn’t tell any family. I just kept it to myself.

This harmed me in the long run. Keeping all my feelings and emotions bottled up as I did was like a water damn overfilling and on the verge of bursting. Which I almost did a few times.

If I could go back in time and talk to myself or send a letter to my younger self I’d tell him to get help. I’d tell him to talk to a friend to tell them what was actually going on instead of just saying that I was “fine” all the time. I’d tell him to stop worrying about what everyone thinks and that their opinions don’t matter.

But alas, time goes on and everything happens for a reason. So here I am now. One month into taking Laxapro. (This is not a review about it, this is more of my own experience and other things I have done in conjunction with taking the pills).

It took me about five or more months to finally muster up the courage to talk to someone. I’m not one to open up to people about my issues or problems just like that. I don’t like strangers. But I did it, and I’m so glad I did.

When my therapist said that these pills might be able to help, I didn’t want them. See, I had always looked at pills in a negative way. Sure they help, but for how long? What are the side affects? What if I stop taking them? What if they make me worse? What if I become some one else? All these questions and possibly more flooded my head. But after talking with her I decided to trust her. And they worked.

I feel so much better in life. I don’t feel like I’m walking in a hole just going around in circles. I feel free, calm, at peace. Sure I worry some times because its natural. But its not like I used to.

I can’t say that the pills are the only thing that has helped, no. Another huge thing is exercise. I started to run, and run, and run. I was running almost ten miles a day! It was great. Then I joined a gym and started strength training. I never thought I’d be one to lift wights. A good diet also did me so well. I got rid of a lot of drinks that contained sugar and started drinking a lot more water. I suggest that if you want to start a diet. Drinks that contain sugar are what hold you back sometimes. Less carbs more healthy food. Hard at first but then you get used to it and then you even start to enjoy it, you just feel better.

But, the main thing that I have to say has helped me be happier, is finally doing what I want. Or in other words, stop doing what I didn’t want to do. I’m a people pleaser, probably a professional one. If it was a competition I’d win a gold medal for it. I would always put others needs before mine, do what they wanted me to do for them regardless if I wanted to or not, and in the end that hurt me.

Does that mean that now I’m this self entitled selfish douche bag? No. It just means I try to take care of myself before I take care of others. It means that yes, I will still go out of my way to help who I can, do things for them and all that, but this time if it affects me in anyway or I know the out come will in the end only hurt me, then it’s going to be a no for me.

I think I deserve a little happiness or in other words selfishness after all I’ve been through. I’m still the same guy. I still have the same heart, shoot I even think it’s better now.

In the end, I’m glad I got the help I needed, and I’m glad I’m living for myself. I’m glad I’m taking those pills. I’m glad I’m better now.

Dating, Already?

I don’t know if it is too soon to be thinking about this, I mean I have only been single for about just two days now. But, (and let me know if this makes sense or not but) I feel like mentally I have been single for a while. If that’s too mean or insensible for me to say well I’m sorry but I’m not sorry, because it’s what I feel and it’s the truth.

What’s next for me? Should I move on and start dating right away? Should I go out and meet knew people in the hopes that something will flourish and I will fall desperately in love? Or should I take some time for myself and be happy being alone? Should I take time to get to know me? I feel good about myself. This is the first time in my whole life I finally feel good in my own skin. Should I date myself? You know “treat myself“?

These are all good questions I should have asked myself before I aggressively downloaded about five dating apps at once. Before I knew it I had uploaded all of my “best taken” pictures and selfies and I spent countless hours swiping left and right switching back and forth between apps.

It was a massive intense work out for my fingers. My eyes became dry from not blinking. I have to admit that it was sort of nostalgic, though. I felt like a drug addict going back to drugs after being away from them for so long. The rush was there.

I had to stop myself after a while. I spent my whole morning in bed forgetting what time I started and noticing that it was almost noon and I still hadn’t eaten. Of course, I didn’t make any good connections (don’t know why I said “of course” like I’m some kind of ogre that no one would want to date… but now I’m questioning that theory, for that exact reason).

But, again, I sat and thought to myself;

What the fuck is up with you? Why are you so desperate to find someone to date? Didn’t you just get out of a fucking relationship? Are you scared to be alone? Why do you feel the need to have someone by your side? Why do you feel the need to have someone to feel like a valid person? Is it validation that you are looking for? Or just the thought have having someone?

These questions really got to me. And if you know me you know I over think, but this time it was different. These questions are honest questions that I needed to ask myself. I mean, how many people do you know that go off and look for another person 2.0 seconds after just getting out of a relationship? I think that its super unhealthy, at least for me in my opinion.

What’s my conclusion? Well, I’m deleting the apps from my phone. I realize right now is not the time to start dating yet. I think I want to take some time to reflect on myself. Even though, like I said, I feel really good about who I am as a person, there are still so many things I can learn about myself, not to mention the personal growth I can do as well. I can focus on school and my friends. If someone happens to come along in my daily life and is worth me getting to know I’m not going to push them to the side. Things happen fo a reason, right?

I’m ready for this new chapter in my life. I’m excited to finally be me. I’m excited to finally be happy.

I Hope Life Treats You Kind

It’s over.

It finally happened.

 

Yesterday my Ex and I finally had the talk. I had been planning all week how to talk to her and I wanted to be as soft as I could but also tell her how I was feeling. She did the same.

She got mad that I got tattoos yesterday which is how everything started. She got mad who I got the tattoos with. She doesn’t like my friends, she thinks they’re turning me into Satan’s child. It came to a point where I told her that if she was unhappy with the way I  was living my life and who I surrounded myself with, then she shouldn’t be in a relationship.

She ended up giving back every little thing that I ever gave her. Notes, balloons, cards, even the mini fridge I gave her for her new place. She didn’t want anything that had to do with me anymore, not because she hated me, but because she wanted to move on from this. She doesn’t want to be reminded with those things of what we had.

That’s cool. This is basically what I wanted, (as cruel as it may sound), and even though it is what I wanted, her presence will still be missed. We ended on really good terms. No fighting, no evil stares, and we even hugged at the end. We’re friends now. We’ll check up on each other from time to time. I have no hard feelings for her and she doesn’t towards me either.

I really want her to be happy. I want her to find someone that will do all the things she needs them to do, and actually like doing them. Someone who thinks that the cult they are in is an actual religion. Someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved, because she is a great person.

And I want to be happy too. I want to find someone who likes the things I like. Someone who wants to go places I want to go and celebrate holidays like I want to celebrate them. I’m not saying I want an identical twin, no. But at least some things that we can bond over would be nice.

 

I don’t feel sad. I feel like another chapter in my life is closing and a new one is about to begin. Things happen for a reason and it’s up to us to find the bright side in things because life’s job is to challenge us into thinking there isn’t one. But there is.

There always is.

Friday The 13th Tattoos

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As you can see in the picture, I got tattoos. For many, this is not a big deal, and yes I have had gotten some already, but these mean so much more to me.

I have always liked tattoos. Now in the era that we live in it is not uncommon to see people sporting tattoos on their body. The majority of millennial’s have tattoos now.

The first tattoo that I got on my body was on an area that no one see’s, under my shirt on my side shoulder. The next two I got on my arm. Since I was in a cult and this cult did not allow you to have these (tattoos) I always hid them. I even went to the extreme to try to remove them and I spent a lot of money doing so. But, I didn’t completely get rid of them. Which is a good part because I very much still love them. And I will definitely try to recover what I can from them.

Today, one of my friends reminded me that on every Friday the 13th tattoo shops have a special for tattoos. I was debating on weather I wanted to get any or not.

I told myself, no, this is my life (don’t you forget) and my body. You have always liked tattoos.

Getting these tattoos for me represents me finally taking decisions not being scared of what others will say, specially since they are placed in a very see-able place. It means that I have finally taken charge of my life and I am finally am doing what makes me happy and not what makes other people happy. I am finally living for myself and it makes me so happy.

I got a total of three. If I had more money I probably would have gotten way more. I saw some that I liked but I opted for the ones in the picture above. The third one is on my calf and is a Mario star (from Mario Nintendo).

I absolutely love them. They may be simple but the fact that they are spontaneous is what gives me a sense of enjoyment and is thrilling for me. I love where I put them and I think they are hella cute. I posted them online and the feedback I am getting is absolutely wonderful.

I am happy with these choices. I am happy right now, I really am.

: )

I Am Not That Person

I have to break up with my girlfriend.

There, I said it. I feel like we all saw this coming. I even saw it coming. (I have a lot of things to say regarding this so hang in there).

First I feel really stupid thinking that something like this could work. I don’t even know if the word stupid fits the right feeling I have over the subject. It’s more of a ohmygod why did you do this to you and her?. That’s more of what I feel. I don’t remember the reason I even got back with her. I fell like all the reasons I have are very superficially over the surface. I was in a bad place, I was leaving a cult and I was damaged. Of course I needed someone.

I can see that she isn’t happy. We went out to the park for a walk yesterday which we talked mainly about how she doesn’t like how our relationship is at the moment. She said she feels really unhappy. I’m fine. I have no issues. Why does she feel the way that she does? Well, first because I am not in the same religion that she is in. Second because I don’t go to the parties that those same people in that religion usually put on. She feels lonely when she goes. There is a huge trust issue that she has which I think she inherited from her father. She gets anxious when I go out with my friends. Since my friends are also not in her religion she “hates them” and she also believes that they are the ones that have pulled me away from “God”. She thinks that it is because of them that I left.

I asked why she was with me if she was feeling this way. I want her to be happy, if by being with me isn’t going to make her happy she shouldn’t be with me. I told her, go find someone that believes the same things you do, go find someone that likes the same things you do, someone who will be in that cult with you and wont have any issues with it.

She said she likes me too much to let me go. I get that. If I were to lose her again I’d miss her, but like I said, I want her to be happy. I know that being with me she wont be. Plus, I want to be happy too. I don’t want to be nagged or feel uncomfortable that I’m hanging out with my friends. I want to go out and do stuff and not feel like I have to report to someone every single minute. Then there is my whole sexuality coming in the picture again, I just don’t think that I am attracted to her that way anymore. Which begs to question why was I back then? What was it that made me want her? Because now I don’t.

Yes, I understand what being in a relationship means. But I have repeatedly told her that I will not go back to the religion she is part of. I want nothing to do with it. I’m done.

And as bad as it sounds I’m over her. I like her as a person, she’s amazing don’t get me wrong. But she just isn’t for me. The spark isn’t there anymore and I don’t want to ignite it again. I have tried. I know who she is and I know her worth. And she deserves someone who will and can give her everything she needs.

I am not that person.