I spent almost two weeks at my boyfriends house for Christmas and New Years. I have to say it was a great vacation, and just like mostly everyone, now its back to the real life.
Coming back home I thought things would feel different. Usually when I am gone for so long things seem to feel off or not just right when I come back, sometimes old things just feel new. But its as if I was only gone for a day. I’m not really sure if that’s just how time flies by now or if I really didn’t miss being home.
Tomorrow I go back to school and on Wednesday I have my first internship interview. I was emailed on my winter break by my teacher notifying me to be ready. The interview is at a nonprofit organization in the next town over. I would have preferred it to be closer since I wont be getting paid for it but I have to remember that I need to do this for the experience.
I have been sick with a fever and some body aches since last Thursday, which has not been fun, and I’m really hopping it all goes away by the time I have my interview. Today I just woke up with a sore throat.
I have to unpack all my things, take a warm shower, buy medicine, and then go shop for some ‘business attire’ since I have to dress Gucci now. (Hello more debt).
Unpacking is so sad. Like, you come back home from having a good time and realize the party is over. The good times are all finished and it all just seems like a dream. Like you woke up and you have to try your best not to forget the small details and all the good moments that happened. Ugh its all so sad. But we can’t dwell on it.
That’s just life isn’t it? Well, back to the grind.
My boyfriend told me recently that he is really scared that I will go back to my former religion. He said that living with my mother who is still in it will make me want to go back. He thinks that some of my former friends that are in that religion will find a way to convince me to return and drop everything I have with him.
Why does he feel this way? Because it has happened before. It has happened so many times I can’t count them all.
I will be living my life and then I’ll just drop everything and go back to the “religion” because I feel guilty. When I was dating him last year I did the same thing. I talked to him for about a month, and then I told him that I had to stop talking to him for religions reasons. But gladly we found our way back to each other after a year.
This is what scares him. Me leaving again, now that we have an established relationship and its honestly going great, he’s scared one day I’ll just up and leave.
There’s nothing I can do or say that will make him change his way of thinking. He feels that way because that’s what he knows and I can’t blame him or be mad at him for thinking that way. He’s allowed to.
All I can do is show him how committed I am to him. Show him that I am here to stay. I know for a fact that I don’t want to go back to the place I was in, but who’s to say that mentality will or wont change? It’s crazy for me to even think that I would return. I can’t even imagine it. But crazy shit happens all the time, doesn’t it?
Nothing is for certain in this life, nothing. Not even the love he says he has for me.
Yesterday my Ex and I finally had the talk. I had been planning all week how to talk to her and I wanted to be as soft as I could but also tell her how I was feeling. She did the same.
She got mad that I got tattoos yesterday which is how everything started. She got mad who I got the tattoos with. She doesn’t like my friends, she thinks they’re turning me into Satan’s child. It came to a point where I told her that if she was unhappy with the way I was living my life and who I surrounded myself with, then she shouldn’t be in a relationship.
She ended up giving back every little thing that I ever gave her. Notes, balloons, cards, even the mini fridge I gave her for her new place. She didn’t want anything that had to do with me anymore, not because she hated me, but because she wanted to move on from this. She doesn’t want to be reminded with those things of what we had.
That’s cool. This is basically what I wanted, (as cruel as it may sound), and even though it is what I wanted, her presence will still be missed. We ended on really good terms. No fighting, no evil stares, and we even hugged at the end. We’re friends now. We’ll check up on each other from time to time. I have no hard feelings for her and she doesn’t towards me either.
I really want her to be happy. I want her to find someone that will do all the things she needs them to do, and actually like doing them. Someone who thinks that the cult they are in is an actual religion. Someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved, because she is a great person.
And I want to be happy too. I want to find someone who likes the things I like. Someone who wants to go places I want to go and celebrate holidays like I want to celebrate them. I’m not saying I want an identical twin, no. But at least some things that we can bond over would be nice.
I don’t feel sad. I feel like another chapter in my life is closing and a new one is about to begin. Things happen for a reason and it’s up to us to find the bright side in things because life’s job is to challenge us into thinking there isn’t one. But there is.
I was so out of this world productive yesterday. I was the guy version of Wonder Woman. Is that a thing? Or is that offensive? Either way I’m proud of myself. You should have seen me.
I got up super early, as I do, picked up my brother from his graveyard shift, and instead of crawling back into bed for an extra 40 mins, I got ready for work, when to Starbucks, and I even pumped some gas into my car! I know for some people these things might seem a little ordinary, but for me these are huge accomplishments.
I’m not even finished though. Work was slow so I did a half day. And instead of breaking the law by driving home anxiously at 90 mph I went, dare I say it, grocery shopping. Yes ma’am. I was adulting. Never thought I’d do it but I did. Bought some nice little veggies, ice cream because I enjoy being happy, and all that other random stuff you find in your fridge.
The party did not stop there no sir. After putting the groceries away, I did some laundry. Wait no correction, I did ALL my laundry. That’s right, maybe 3 weeks worth. I was out of control I know, I know.
Since I had to keep this train going, I decided to vacuum my car. Sit down this is going to sound wild. I cleaned my car. Yes that’s a true statement. I took out the trash that was starting to ferment in there (filled up a 13 gallon trash bag with trash), vacuumed, and because I was feeling a little sassy, I even waxed the seats and the dash board.
I don’t know what hit me honestly. I’m thinking there was something in that Starbucks I had. Who knows. But it was a very productive day. I rewarded myself with ice cream of course when I was done folding the laundry.
Yesterday, along with all my coworkers, we found out that the company we work for is going to downsize more than half of the employees. We are currently staffed at 150 and they’re goal is to get down to 60 by July. That does not include management, which there are 15 and will go down to 3.
They explained that the company moved to the west coast here in California a while ago to supply the demands of customers here. They thought that by having the business closer to them they would profit and all. That did no work out. So they are moving back to the east coast where headquarters is currently at. There will only be one account left here in California, and the 60 people that remain will be supplying that accounts product.
There are so many questions that people have. They are concerned. I feel them. They have families, car payments, houses they just bought. But I am not that worried. I want to leave that place. If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you know how much I hate it there. And looking back at it now it all makes sense. The cut backs, the high demand in production, and the excessive firing for dumb stupid reasons.
There will be a pay out. Only a month’s worth, but still, some people are happy about that. Some people can’t wait to collect unemployment. Others, they actually want to be part of the 60 that stay. Nothing is certain. No one knows how they will be electing the people. No one knows when they will start issuing the WARN letters. Technically after they hand you that letter, 60 days from that day will be your last.
I have not heard anything from the job I interviewed at. I was worried before, but now I know that if it was meant to be it would have been. I know I have to keep trying and trying until something comes up. I do not believe in unemployment. Living off the government is not something I am ok with. I know I hate working, but everything I have I have worked for it, I am not one to get things handed to, I don’t do that.
But deep down inside. Some where deep deep in there, there is doubt, there is worry, and I fear when it will rise, because when it does. It’s not going to be pretty.