Believe in Myself

It has been 2 weeks since I came out to my mom.

I know that what I may be going through could be irrelevant to what is going on right now in the US, but I still need to vent about it.

My boyfriend and I rearranged his room to accommodate both of us. Somehow we made it to a way were there is more space to walk around. We moved the TV as well. Now it doesn’t just feel like his room, it feels more like our room.

Even though it does feel more like our room, it still doesn’t feel like home. I don’t know when it will or if it ever will.

Yesterday we watched Leah Remini’s documentary about Jehovah Witness. It was triggering, yes, but I wanted him to know even just an once of what I went through, or what it was like being one all my life.

I grew up as a JW. So all things I was taught, all the things I was told, they’re engraved in my head and I have to wait on time to erase them.

I’m still getting used to this. This is a big transition for me. Losing my mom, getting kicked out, living somewhere new, living with another person. It all hit me like a bus..

But, threw all this I know I can make it. I just need to believe in myself.

Feeling Better.

I just came back from going “home”.

It was nice to see my dogs, I’m not very sure if they missed me at all though, they seemed very underwhelmed.

My mom was there but she didn’t speak to me or even acknowledge my presence. Most of the time that I was there she stayed in the kitchen cooking. I didn’t bother to say hi or try to speak to her, I know it wouldn’t have turned out ok.

It was nice catching up with my brother though. I enjoyed the brief moment we had. He told me what my mom has done. Shes told the “elders” in the congregation about me. They told her that they saw it coming somehow. He also informed me that she got into a small dispute with the neighbor (who is also a Jehovah’s Witness) because she didn’t tell my mom that she thought I was gay.

I don’t know when I’ll see my mom, or even if I will see her ever again. Who knows. But I’m glad I was able to feel better, even thought I hate to say so.

 

Day 2

I don’t know if I can say that I have been feeling any better than I did on the first day. It has only been two days since I came out, even though it feels like both years ago and just yesterday at the same time.

I told a couple of my close friends what was going on and they have been really supportive. I do have very loving friends and they care about me a lot and it makes me feel really special and loved.

I still have some things that I left back at my moms house. I don’t know when or if I will ever go pick them up. I have my dogs there, I would love to bring them here with me but as the situation looks right now I think they’re better off over there.

I still need to get used to living somewhere else. It feels odd. Nothing is mine and I feel as if I’m intruding on someones personal space. I don’t like to be a burden either. But I guess its something that with time I will have to get used to. I’m with my boyfriend so it shouldn’t feel as though I am with a stranger anyways. Although, everything right now seems super strange.

Yesterday I almost didn’t do any schoolwork. I was to tired. So today I have to go at it hard. There are only about 3 weeks left until I get my certificate of completion. My job said they wouldn’t make me full time but I’m good with the part time for now.

One step at a time. I’m not any better than I was before, but I am OK.

Is That Guy You Have Been Talking to Gay?

I’m coming out to my mom today.

***********************

This past weekend was the first weekend I got to spend time with my boyfriend since the whole quarantine situation started. I have been Face Timing with him ever since, so it was really nice when I finally was able to see him again after so long.

My mom never asked me any questions regarding him, she has seen me face time him before. But I was sure that she had questions on her mind. It wasn’t until this past Saturday that she finally let me know what was on her mind.

I got my bag ready for the weekend, as I do when I head out to see my boyfriend. I put my things in my car, as I was about to leave she asked me, “is that guy you have been talking to gay?” Notice how she didn’t ask if I was gay, because in her mind I can’t possibly be. So then this other person must be gay, and therefore is the person that is trying to make me turn to his ways.

I didn’t want to ruin my weekend, plus I wasn’t ready for this conversation at the moment, so I told her that we would talk about it when I would come back.

Over the weekend I got a bunch of text messages from her saying how she didn’t raise me to be that way, how she hopes I’m not what she thinks I am, and how she doesn’t know who I am anymore. I didn’t reply to any of them. There is no reason in fighting or trying to make her understand, its just a ‘it is what it is’ situation.

I went home Sunday night but she was asleep already so I didn’t get to see her. Today I woke up and got ready for work and left before she had awaken. I know she will be waiting for me when I get home this afternoon. And she’ll ask me the same question. “Is that guy you have been talking to gay?”

And I will say,

“Yes, yes he is, and so am I.”

 

Naive

I am naive.

I never thought I could be but I am. It’s funny how the ones that say they will never be fooled, are the fools that are fooling themselves, it’s a plot twist not even I saw coming.

All this time I have been walking this earth not knowing how foolish I have become. Believing in things that will never happen. Believing in people that will never change. Believing that a simpler time for me is just ahead. Believing in dreams.

You know when you speak to someone, or even in movies, and they tell you, “you can’t change people.” It’s honestly true. The thing that you don’t know is that, you on your own have to discover that you can’t change people, stop, they won’t change.

They are going to be who ever they want to be no matter what. No matter how much you tell them something bothers you, no matter how much you ask them to treat you differently, they will always act and be who ever the fuck they want to be. And why should they change for you? Even if you were to change something about yourself for them, they would over look it.

I know this is part of growing up, realizing this, a part of life. But it doesn’t make me feel any much less of a loser.

A loser in many different aspects. Loser of time. loser of energy. And even a loser of faith. Just a loser.

Spiral of Questions

Have you ever been in a situation where you knew something about someone or something that they did, you ask them, and they deny it but they don’t know that you already know all the facts?

I know, that’s a mouth full. But it has recently happened to me and I don’t really know how to feel about it. I never thought that I would be in this situation and I also didn’t think that I would feel this bad about it.

Now I don’t know what to do about it. First, my brain is in a spiral of questions. Why didn’t they just tell me? Do they not trust me? Do they think I will be judging them? What am I doing know that is making them feel the way they feel in concealing what they are hiding from me?

I didn’t ask directly but I did ask this person something in regards to my concern. I thought they were going to tell me, I thought they were going to come clean. No, what they didn’t isn’t even bad, I shouldn’t be concerned regarding the fact that they did what they did, its actually something that I would have been ok with if we would have talked about it because we have before. It’s the fact that they did it and they didn’t tell me, and them when they had the option to they still didn’t.

Then this all leads me to think that they may do this with other things. They may hid things that I didn’t even know. Trust, that is what I am looking for. Have I not demonstrated enough of it to show that I can be trusted?

I want to wave it off, tell my brain to stop overthinking because its just hurting me. Or should I just ask them? Tell them I came across something, and see what they’re reaction is. But now its too late, too much time has passed.

Maybe with time they will have the need to tell me themselves, but if I gave them a chance why didn’t they then and there.

I’m reading too into this and I know it.

 

 

 

Sexual Intercourse

lets talk about

Sex. You have it, I have it, like it or not your parents one time had it too, maybe they still do who knows? If they do props to them.

Are you uncomfortable talking about sex? I know some people hate the word but they love the action. I don’t judge, there is a lot of things involved with that word.

I don’t think we should be ashamed of it though. I remember when I was a child and I would be watching something on TV with my parents, when ever there was a kissing scene I would immediately go to the restroom, or I would act as if I wasn’t even paying attention to the TV, uninterested. As if I was going to get in trouble for seeing such graphic scene.

I was raised in a strict Christian home, which is probably why I thought that way. The only time I heard the word sex was at school, at church it was called “sexual intercourse”, which was only allowed when one would marry.

In my opinion sex is great, specially if you are doing it with someone you love and really care about. If you’re having fun that’s cool too, just be safe with your body, you only have one, take care of it.

I think talking about sex shouldn’t be taboo. Sure, you’re not going to sit at your child’s award assembly and brag to the PTA moms how hard Mr. Smith be hittin’ it. There is a place and time for every thing.

If you don’t like to talk about sex that’s fine too. We all have our right to privacy and sex is one of the most intimate things people do. I just think the shaming of people who have a lot of it needs to stop, for woman, and even men.

When you tell someone to stop doing something that they like, they’re only going to do it more, or they’re going to do it out of spite.

So have (safe) sex. Or don’t, it’s always up to you and only you.

 

 

2013 Emails

The other day while at school, I decided to clean up my email folders and I found a conversation I had with someone back in 2013.

Just a little back story for you; At the time (2013) I had come to the conclusion that I was gay. I was in a religion that would not accept that, and I was also 17 living with a mother who would give her soul and life for said religion (oh how little has changed).

I searched online for any gay Jehovah Witness, because at that moment in time, I thought I was the only one. Surely there could not be another boy struggling with his sexuality inside a religion out there. I was wrong.

I found the story of this one guy who, after trying to take his life while being in this said religion, decided he was going to start living for himself. I was in tears when I read what he had to go through. His parents were more religious than my mom has ever been, they even had titles in the congregation, they were the perfect Christian family.

Its been a while and if I remember correctly he eventually left the religion once he met his boyfriend and came out to his family. Some left the religion with him and some stayed being and just shunned him and the ones who left, because that’s what they are trained to do.

I emailed him since he left his email at the end of his story, in case anyone needed to contact him. I look back and see how naive I was, and simply lost. At that time I thought my life was over. I felt so alone, so sad, helpless.

Once he emailed me back we started talking on a regular basis. We became friends. But we lost touch, but coming across those emails made me want to cry. They made me want to curl up in a ball and sleep for days. The sense of being alone and helpless rushed over me like a fever. But at the same time I wanted to know how he’s doing.

I emailed him. I still haven’t received a reply. Who knows, he might have changed his email address, or the email could have gone to spam. He might just not even remember who I am, I’m assuming I wasn’t the only one he got emails from back them. Hopefully he replies.

I started to think how different Me in the past and Me in the present are. I wonder what would happen if they were in a room together. The things I would tell my past self. Then I thought about the Me in the future. What is He going to think of the person that I am now? Will I be the same? Will my thoughts and opinions change? Who will I be in the next ten years?

Its a lot to think about.

Back To The Grind

I’m back home. *cries*

I spent almost two weeks at my boyfriends house for Christmas and New Years. I have to say it was a great vacation, and just like mostly everyone, now its back to the real life.

Coming back home I thought things would feel different. Usually when I am gone for so long things seem to feel off or not just right when I come back, sometimes old things just feel new. But its as if I was only gone for a day. I’m not really sure if that’s just how time flies by now or if I really didn’t miss being home.

Tomorrow I go back to school and on Wednesday I have my first internship interview. I was emailed on my winter break by my teacher notifying me to be ready. The interview is at a nonprofit organization in the next town over. I would have preferred it to be closer since I wont be getting paid for it but I have to remember that I need to do this for the experience.

I have been sick with a fever and some body aches since last Thursday, which has not been fun, and I’m really hopping it all goes away by the time I have my interview. Today I just woke up with a sore throat.

I have to unpack all my things, take a warm shower, buy medicine, and then go shop for some ‘business attire’ since I have to dress Gucci now. (Hello more debt).

Unpacking is so sad. Like, you come back home from having a good time and realize the party is over. The good times are all finished and it all just seems like a dream. Like you woke up and you have to try your best not to forget the small details and all the good moments that happened. Ugh its all so sad. But we can’t dwell on it.

That’s just life isn’t it? Well, back to the grind.