Coming Out To My Coworkers

I was actually writing a different post but I have been so busy planning my whole birthday week, I don’t mean to flex on y’all like that but it is my b day week so I feel as if its justified. (I’m going to the movies, shopping, sixflags, the beach, the club, and eating sushi).

Just this week alone I have came out to two people. One of them was an old coworker that I don’t see that often any more since she no longer works with me. But we kept in contact all these years and still hang out often. I wanted to talk to her and see how she was doing and also tell her everything that was going on in my life. She wanted to do the same.

We took a walk in the park and after we gossiped about everything that we needed to catch up on I told her I needed to tell her something. It was hard, because as humans we fear the unknown and we fear the rejection we will receive if we are not accepted. But it went well. She said she is proud of me. She also told me that its good that I am now living for myself and not for other people. She even cried and hugged me and it felt so liberating. Why did I put it off for so long?

The other person is one of my current coworkers. She is a really sweet person. I have gotten to know her and bond with her over the course of just a few months. I really actually didn’t even need to come out to her. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt.

I told her I left my old religion since she knew I was in it from when I met her. Then a couple days passed and I told her I was going to celebrate my B day with some friends at the beach. While I told her the reasons why I left my old religion ‘I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be,’ she kind of got the clue. If she didn’t then she must have after I told her I was going to a my favorite gay night club also on my birthday. Her response was “OMG how fun, I have 3 gay friends.” Don’t know how to feel about that but I know she was only trying to be accepting in her own way. I hope she can come to the club with all my friends. I have friends that are taking other friends, it feels nice I’m not gonna lie.

Today, one of the very first people to welcome me to the job were I’m at said she wanted to take me out for sushi. I said hell yeah! I told her that its perfect since I did want to tell her something. She told me no biggie what ever it was she would be there for me. I love that.

Everything seems to be going well. SEEMS. But we will see. I am so grateful that I have all these supportive people in my life. But this is the real world we do live in. And I know some people will be furious by what I do, and I have to learn to accept that, and also not care about it. Even though some of those people will be people I really cared about.

But in the mean time, 25 here I come!

Dear April

This is my open letter to April (yes the month).

 

Dear April,

The year has gone by so fast and we will be seeing each other in a couple of days. How have you been? I have been well. You know, the last time you came around I wasn’t in the best of state. And, lets be completely honest here, I might still not be. But we live, learn, and move on right?

The flowers have been blooming for you in the wait of your arrival. How do you feel about that? I think a lot of people under estimate you. What happens in April? Almost nothing. But I want to be kind to you in the hopes that you will show that in return. #karma

I ask of you, April, if you can bring happiness. Maybe if its just a glimpse of it? Let me know that it’s real. Take care of my friends and family as well. I know they will be well in your hands. Can you take care of me? Can you bring me Patience? Do you know him? Patience and I have been distant for a while. Can you rebuild that bridge?

This could be irrelevant to you, but like, could you possibly bring me more youtube subs? hahhahahahaha lol jk you don’t have to but like if you want to it would be nice you know.  

I don’t know what else to ask for honestly. I have a feeling this year you will be significant in my life. You will leave a mark and it wont hurt. Lets have fun April. Lets do things we never done before. Lets explore, laugh, and live life. I know you and I are capable of so much more. Lets show the world what we are capable of when we work together. Lets do it. Lets do this. Lets live

Love, 

Peter


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Ghosts Of Halloween Past

Thousands or more like millions of children are going door to door tonight in search of the best candies they can find. Teens across America are going to parties their parents aren’t aware of. Girls dress up in provocative costumes not wanting men to undress them with their eyes. Men go around undressing slutty woman with their eyes.

This used to be my favorite holiday. It was actually the only holiday that I cared about celebrating. Not even Christmas came close. But halloween stood out like a sore thumb all year long. What’s there not to love? Candy, scary movies, cold weather in some weird association, and dressing up and seeing everyone’s creativity.

Growing up I craved being able to celebrate it. It wasn’t until I was 20 years old that I actually finally celebrated Halloween. I was a good Christian boy, but then I walked over to the dark side. Pun intended.

I was Peter Pan. And honestly, it was one of the best nights I’ve had. I felt like a kid again. Pun game strong today. The year after that I didn’t dress up but I did go to a party. I had fun but wasn’t that exciting. Two years ago I didn’t do anything at all because I was in a huge hole of depression. Last year, I took a shift on my day off to work on Halloween because I didn’t want to be sad that I didn’t have plans.

What am I doing this Halloween? Sitting at home writing this post. Even though I want to be out there, doing stuff, partying, and just getting crazy. But even though I tell myself if you aren’t happy then change yourself. But the thing is that I am happy. I’ve changed, and it’s ok, I miss things but it doesn’t make me miserable.

Just another Halloween.

Big Ball Of A Mess

The beach is a relaxing place for me. When I think of the beach I think warm sand, soft breeze, nice sound of the waves touching the shore, and the sunlight shining from above like a ray of hope.

That’s exactly how I felt yesterday. I’ve been living my life really fast lately and I needed to take a break. Going to the beach and not working about anything or anyone really felt great.

A lot of things are piling up on me. For example, my dating life, I’m talking to all these guys and I can’t chose one because they aren’t what I want. My friends, I’m trying to divide my time between all of them yet none of them want to hang out with each other. And not to mention my moms upcoming reconstruction surgery for her breast cancer. Let alone me being and dancing in a wedding. It’s all a big ball of a mess.

That’s why I needed yesterday, and I got it. I headed to Malibu with my brother, mother, and two of my church friends. One of my friends I have been estranged with for the longest time. I actually wrote him a letter on this blog. We because close told him I was gay and then he vanished from my life.

But now, it seems he wants to be back in it. When I got home after dropping him off he sent me a text saying how sorry he was that he let our friendship die. That because of his stubbornness he wouldn’t let himself talk to me or be around me. He also said how he’d like to go back to where we used to be. I’m not gonna lie, this made my heart dance insanely.

He was there for me through all of my moms stages going into the beginning of her Breast cancer like no one else was. He stayed at the hospital with me the day of the first surgery. He was a good friend. And I can not lie I want that friendship back myself.

One of the guys I dated would like a second chance. I told him we had very different views and we always clashed about something. He said how that was ok and he really liked me. I’m not sure what to do or say to him. He’s just not my cup of tea anymore, the problem is I give second chances as if they were handshakes.

Back to the beach though, at the end of the day, I’d say the last thirty minutes. I was swimming and the tides were growing in size. I was swimming like I was all day, or like I always do when I go to the beach. The only issue is that this wave came at me with an agenda. To take me down.

All I remember is being body slammed into the floor and my back giving out, I yelled under water out of pain and naturally water filled my lungs. I shot up to the surface trying to speak but couldn’t. That had never happened to me before. I ran out of the water and layer down. The water evacuated my body and that’s when I felt the pain in my back. I laid on the grown for a few minutes before returning to the water. The piercing coldness is the water felt great on my back and for a moment it was like I had never been assaulted by the ocean.

My back only started hurting once I was out again. Driving home was excruciating. Not to mention sleeping. I bought some patches to put on my back and they did help some. Now I’m sore. I didn’t go to work either. And today all that I have done is sleep. Which is good because I have been missing out on that for weeks.

Two of my friends made my day. One works at a pizza place and made a custom made pizza for me, and another at a Starbucks, who gave me a pumpkin spice frappuccino for free.

So I’m all, yesterday as much as today have been very relaxing days, and even though I semi broke my back, there’s always a bright side to everything. You just have to chose to see it.

Best And Worst Saturday

Drinks, drunks, and good ass French fries.

This past Saturday I went out again. I know, before you start judging me let me tell you that I’m being safe (sorta) and I’m finally having the time of my life. Not holding back and not scared of anything.

This Saturday although it was great it was a little different than most nights I’ve gone out. Me and one of my friends hit up the club and chilled in the parking lot for about half an hour. Then suddenly there was a knock at my car window.

Some drunk guy wanted my friend. Since we are some bad ass bros, when my friend was asked if he wanted to dance with the guy he flat out told him no I want to dance with my friend. I thought the drunk guy was going to slice my throat open but he just walked away.

We were shook. The way the guy approached us was really weird. The rest of the night we were thinking that the guys was gonna key my car, that really killed the mood and my buzz. Not to mention the music really sucked.

Almost at the end of the night while we were dancing on the second stage, some old guy tripped and groped my friend. Like, everything bad happened to him that night I felt terrible.

He ran passed me and walked outside. I couldn’t believe it either. It was really awkward and very ugly. I saw it all happen inform of my eyes and I still couldn’t believe it.

We left soon after that. We went to eat at a taco shop and got some carne asada fries (if you don’t know what those are google them, you’ll thank me later). They were amazing!

We chilled at his house till 6am and then I went home. That Saturday was the best and worst Saturday I had been with this particular friend. He told me that I wasn’t fake and I actually am who I present my self to be. That’s basically the best compliment I have ever received.