Jehovah Witnesses Are Harassing Me

I thought it was over. But of course why would it be? Cults will not leave anyone to rest in peace once they leave their “flock”.

I haven’t been to or seen anyone from church in about more than six months now. I have not gone door to door soliciting people to come and “join” the religion for longer than that. So, tell me why I get called by one of the higher ups in the church and get told if I have my “numbers”.

I then get another text from another one a few days later and he says that he wants the “progress report” for the past months from my family and mine. This is basically a paper a Jehovah Witness has to fill out each month on how many hours they spent knocking on doors, how many people they spoke to, and how many pamphlets they gave. I know it sounds crazy, what’s crazy is how they act like I haven’t been going for months and have the audacity and ask me for them out of the blue like I just took a little mini vacation and I’m on the way back.

After I was flooded with text messages and I didn’t respond, I was then harassed with phone calls. One after another, I had to block them them. I had enough, I don’t need them in my life anyways. Plus, there is no reason in me going back and forth with them telling them that I’m not going to go back because all they’ll try to do is “fix me”, as if I was broken, no I’m not, I just actually found out the Truth this time. When you don’t agree with their believes they classify you as “sick” or even “under Satan’s control”.

Days later I got a text from another person from church saying he wanted to hang out with me and some other “brothers” and asked when I was available. Instant block. Do they not get a hint?

I know I could just tell them, write a letter and officially leave them as an organization. (Yes organization, its not a religion, inside they even call it organization, I remember while being in there I would all the time). In doing so, I would lose my mother. Even though we live together I know she’d stop talking to me, she would only direct her word for anything that was absolutely necessary. That’s so fucked up and its the way that they have made her think it “pleases God” or its what he wants. I doubt God wants a mother to shun her own son.

Today I got a text from my ex’s mom. OUT OF ANYONE she had to text me. She said that I was making a mistake and that I was hurting everyone with my actions. What the actual fuck!? What type of mind manipulative guilt are you trying to play here? I’m not here for it. Am I doing anything illegal? Am I off physically hurting people with my actions? NO, they are hurting themselves because they have decided to think what they have been told to think with out actually researching it and finding out for themselves. I have nothing to do with it.

I’m so tired of them hitting me up all randomly when I’m finally living a good life. The cult has them really wound up into making them believe exactly what they want. My own mother doesn’t even bother me with this shit. She has accepted I’m not going back, why are they trying to ruin that?

They need to move on, just like I have. I already made my decision, and I’m fucking happy as hell with it.

It’s My Fault She Was Hit

My life is like a really bad written soap opera. Who ever is writing the script needs to do a rewrite, because I’m honestly tired. And it’s getting too out of hand.

I was at work when my mom texted me saying that my ex’s mom wanted to talk to her in person. It was rather strange for me. Immediately all the thoughts flooded to my head, did she find out? Did she see something online about me? Did she see me celebrate my birthday?

When you don’t know the facts the mind can be one of the most creative places ever to exist. That’s where my mind went to. My deepest fears.

She then asked if we could talk when I got home. I messaged her yes while I was shaking my head no. Was I about to come out? I prepped myself. What was I going to say? How was I going to tell my side of the story? How was I going to explain it?

I got home and things were more quiet than usual. As if someone sound proofed the rest of the world from our home.

She was ready at the kitchen table. Calm. Gathered. I sat on the other side. She had been crying. I could tell by the way her eyes look. Tired, concerned, and irritated.

What came out of her mouth next was not what I had rehearsed on the drive home.

My ex’s father had hit my ex. Across the face. Bloody nose and everything.

I felt cold. I felt terror. I felt like I should have been the one to take the blow. I deserved it anyway. I put her in the line of Fire. I used her as a road block, as a speed bump, something to help me run and hide from who I really am.

I asked her why. What happened? I could barley manage the words out of my mouth. It was dry. I needed water. I felt faint. I almost threw up.

She told me that she’s been sad ever since our break up. She’d been depressed. She’s been missing.. me. She’s been angry, furious. Why? At who? Her father. Because I put that in her head. Because I told her things weren’t going to work out because her father was too over protective. Because he would never let her spend time with me. Because he would never let me go over. Because he would never let me see her. Because he ruined our relationship.

It’s my fault she was hit.

It’s my fault she took too much and finally screamed her guts out to her abusive father.

It was my fault he didn’t take it well. I turned her against him. I did.

It’s my fault.

I feel like all this time I’ve been carrying gallons of gasoline, but it’s been leaking for the longest time and everything behind me is now catching fire.

When will the fire catch up to me?

Empty.

What a fucking Monday.

I woke up feeling good today. I was going to conquer the world and make it mine. Nothing and no one was going to get in my way, and if they were, they had better watch out for I was not going to let them stop me.

Work was good, slow yes, and it dragged a little more that it should have but I still made it through. I had a date to go to after work and I was excited to say the least. This was going to be the fourth time I was going to see this guy that I am dating.

Back story: I just told my mom that I wasn’t going to go to church anymore and she took it better than I thought, yesterday. My ex texted me this morning, I’m assuming because she didn’t see me at church yesterday. I didn’t reply though.

Let me get into the date first. It was bad. I try to laugh at anything. I even laugh at things that I should probably not laugh at. I know who to laugh with though, that’s how I get through life. But this dude does not smile even when he passes gas. Like bro, try smiling a little, it will feel good! Other than that we did talk a lot. We disagree on everything for the most part. Just because that’s so doesn’t mean I’ll end it. I know that we wont last, but right now I don’t even know how to tell him that, or maybe its just the whole entire situation.

Anyways, I get home after what ever type of date that was and my mom wasn’t home. This took me by surprise and odd since her car was there and she usually tells me where shes at. 20 minutes later she shows up. She gets dropped off by a car that I know for a fact was my ex.

I see her walking up the drive way and I ask her where she was. All she says is that she was out with friends at stores. She didn’t want to say that she was with my ex but I saw her drive off. As she approaches the front door, I hug her. I say that I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I say it but I can see the hurt on her face. She had been crying.

She starts crying in my arms. You know the worst feeling in the world? Its not physical pain. Picture the person you love the most, the person you don’t even want to think about living without, the person that makes your life complete, the person who would give their own life to save yours and yours for them, the person who has always been there for you even when no one else was, picture that person. Now, picture them in your arms, crying, because of you. You did this to them. You hurt them so much that they cry in your arms for 30 minutes. Your shirt is now wet. They aren’t even producing any tears anymore because you drained them out of all of them. They’re finished, done. They cried all they could cry and now all they are is hurt. By you. You did this to them, you hurt them. How do you feel? Do you like that? How does that feel?

Don’t tell me how I should fucking feel, don’t.

I let her cry while I held her. It is the least I can do. Right? She needed to let it all out. And she did. I can still hear her sob in her room right at this moment when my music goes from song after song in between the pauses. I hate hearing her like this. I did that to her.

I told her that I want to make everyone happy but that hurts me, when I try to be happy I hurt everyone else and then that ends up hurting me too. She told me to pray. I’ll do it. If God is real, he will help me right? I have been taught one way and I feel it to be true but at the same time I don’t want it to be true. I have two sides here telling me that their way is the right way and I don’t know which one to chose.

How did I feel about all this? I felt so much pain. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. Seeing my mom hurt like this, I don’t think anyone no matter how much I tell them, I love my mom, they will never understand. I’d rather feel her pain than have her feel it.

Now I don’t feel anything. At all. I’m like an empty glass bottle. Heavy, but very empty. There’s nothing inside, its all see through. I don’t like this feeling. I need to feel something. Because when I do, then I know what to do, but now, what do I do?

The United States Healthcare System

The healthcare system in the United States is one piece of S***.


Before I start ranting, let me give you a little bit of a back story. Sunday night, I felt a little bit of back pain that I didn’t pay much attention to. On Monday morning I woke up with a more pain. It was a sore like pain. But only when I moved or twisted back and forth, I would feel a sharp pain in my upper back on only one side. If that didn’t make sense, it’s basically where I have my kidney at, that’s where.

I didn’t work Monday (because there was no work) so I rested the whole day in the hopes that the “soreness” would go away. I even put an Icy-Hot on it. Nothing happened. That’s when I knew things were a little more serious. Tuesday morning, I went to work but I was still feeling the pain as I was up and around. I did a half day and decided to go to the doctor after.

At the doctor I found out that my healthcare insurance had been suspended or inactive since last year in August (great). I still saw the doctor anyway and had to pay for the visit but I didn’t really care, I needed to know what was wrong with me.

Here’s where my rant will start. You are warned. Since, I do not have healthcare insurance, I can’t know my diagnosis. Once the doctor asked me all the normal questions and I did a urine test he concluded it could be one of two things. A kidney stone, or some type of muscle thing that I can’t really pronounce so I don’t remember it.

(Ok, this is where the rant actually starts). He asked me what I wanted to do. HE ASKED ME. After seeing that I didn’t have insurance he asked me what I wanted to do. I mean sure, he gets some compassionate points for caring about my financial status and being concerned on how I will be paying for things. But since when do you go to the doctors and get asked what you want them to do with you? Um fix me.

This is what he asked me; did I want to pay for an ultra sound to find out the root of the issue, or did I just want to rule it as the “muscle issue thing” and take some pills for it. The “muscle issue thing” would have been a cheaper option. But would it have been an actual correct diagnosis? NO. I just told him to put in the order for the ultra sound and I would figure out the insurance later.

It sucks that everything is so dam expensive that doctors are willing to misdiagnosis a person to help them out. Its insane. Pills too. He asked if I wanted pain pills. He even informed me that it would be cheaper to just get them over the counter. Gee thanks.

Well, I went to apply for some healthcare insurance and GUESS what they told me. When I asked how I could reactive it they told me that I had reapply. REAPPLY. The process would take 30 to 40 days to response. OH, ok, let me just pause the boulder that’s lodged in between my organs until I have healthcare. I told them that I needed it sooner and the girl LITERALLY said, “well, you should always make sure your information is up to date so things like this wont happen.” What the hell am I supposed to do with that piece of advice? She had a point but I wasn’t asking for her opinion.

So what now? I have no healthcare, I have no money because my job is crumbing to the ground, and I have this pain in my back that’s laughing at me. I don’t know what I have. WebMD is my best bet right now. According to them I have kidney stones. I just pray that its not a big deal because from what I heard, these little stones cause major pain.

And, (I just want to add before I’m done here), I don’t think I’ll even apply to healthcare right now. Why? They ask all these questions. Like who lives with you? How much they make? How much you make? All that BS. HELLO, excuse me, if I am applying for this its because I CAN’T pay for it myself bro. What do you care what the people I live with make? They aren’t going to pay for my medical bills. WTF. (That actually made me giggle, it sounds so stupid).

Then also, I most likely wont have a job in a couple of months. So if I am denied, I’ll have to do the whole process over again. It’s all a big mess I tell you. This is USA. Right? Wait let me check . . .  yes it is. I told my friend about it to blow off some steam. His response was, “guess we’re moving to Canada.”

 

 

I AM . . .

I have lived a double life for a while. (I am a mess). I go to church. I am a Jehovah Witness. You think you know them. But, you don’t know them well enough. Some rumors are true, others are created in the same room with fairy tales. The point is that I have been in and out of this organization for the past 5 years.

Who am I?

 

I am a God fearing son of a woman who raised two boys all by herself. She isn’t a bad mother, she loves her kids and loves God just as much. I am her son. I have friends in this organization that say they love me. We have history. We have fun, and they have been there for me in my hardest times. I am a good christian, that dated a very nice christian girl but sadly did not work out. I live my life in the eyes of these people as if I am an innocent angel that can do no harm and lives by all the laws of he bible.

I am a rebel and a hypocrite. I partied and drank hours before a church speech. I slept with men right after taking a suit and tie off after coming from a place that told me not to, that it is sin, and not what I was meant to do. I have friends out side of church that I love to death but am told no to speak to.

I am confused. Who am I? All my life I thought I was different. I felt something was not  ok. I never belonged. Up until last year I thought I was gay. I denied it at the start. I tried to change and it didn’t work. So why did I end up falling in love with a girl? Why did I have such a fond of being with her? When at the same time I saw guys the same way? Why? What do I want then? Who do I want? Who am I going to be?

I am a liar. I lie. I lie a lot. I lie to my best friend and tell him that he is the only one I talk to. That he need not worry about me, that I am not talking to anyone out of our religion. I lie to my mother when I go out with the “none believers”. I lie when I’m asked if I am ok. I lie to cover up past lies and lies to come. I lie to myself. I lie so much, I start to believe what I am saying is the truth, but I can’t find the truth.

I am messed up. I am an emotional mess. One week I am out of the universe happy, and the next colder than the dark. I will be the most bad ass confident person you will ever meet. I will also be the most quietest, shiest, hands-in-pocket young boy in the world. At times small things can trigger me to jump without thinking, other times the most serious things in life can’t even make me flinch.

I am scared. I don’t want to disappoint my mother. She is my everything. If she is not happy, I will not be happy. What will people say when they find out? If they do? What will they think? What will I do? Who will I run to? I will lose it all. Everything I lied so hard to keep. All those years. Will my none religious friends even want me? What if they feel resentment towards me for only running to them when I need them? Only when I don’t have any where else to turn to? Will they help? Will they be there? What if I am left on my own, what if I can’t find a way out? If I get trapped in my head? What if I can’t take it all? Then? Now? What if I make a mistake that will cost me everything?