Whatever This Thing Is

Let’s talk about my relationship.

Or better said, let me tell you how awful what ever this thing I have with this one girl is. Is it a relationship? She’s grown but her parents don’t let her do anything. Religion involved? Nope, none. Religion has nothing to do with it. Her dad is just something that I can’t put in words.

We were going to hang out this weekend after not hanging out or spending time with each other after maybe almost a month. She told her father a week before and then he decides to make a BBQ on and at the same time we were going to go out.

God I hate him. I don’t like him. At all. Can you tell? I don’t want to deal with him, I didn’t. So I didn’t go. Now my girlfriend is all sad and what not because of it. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything involving her anymore.

I just want this to end. I want it over. This relationship has only hurt me more than anything else. More then make me happy. I’ve cried buckets, I’ve been in agony. All this leading to a point of feeling absolutely nothing.

If the situation was different. If her dad wasn’t such an A hole. If she has more liberty. Maybe if she even showed a little more interest in me. But no. This has to end before it ends me.

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I’m Dating A Rock

Will someone tell me if love is supposed to be this hard? Is it supposed to be this complicated?

I can not get a break. I mean, I’ve tried love so many ways and so many times with so many people and it seems like it just isn’t going for me. Maybe, just maybe, I over think too much. Or maybe it might just be who I am as a person. I’m going to be stuck being one of those people that will for ever be alone. And when people look to me they’ll say, “why are you alone? You are such a great person, anyone would have been lucky to have yuh.”

That’s the thing, I don’t know why I would end up alone, or even answer that question, but it seems that after every relationship I am. Do I ask for too much? Am I needy? Clingy? I’m sure there has to be a person out there like me, someone who feels the same way as me.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a while now and I’m having trouble, hmm let’s say, trying to figure out if she has a heart.

I know it’s doesn’t sound nice of me. I know it’s probably cruel to say it, but I’m dating a freaking rock. If I tell her I like her, she says thanks. If I tell her she’s beautiful, she denies it. If I compliment her in any way she won’t take it. Those aren’t things you say or do when your dating.

I still feel like I’m just one of her friends and not her boyfriend. She never says anything cheesy or romantic. That’s what I crave, that’s what I need! I want to be smothered in love. I want to feel warm inside all the time. I want to think of her and feel happy, not sad because she’s hiding her feelings from me.

She told me she doesn’t know how to express her feelings. I don’t know what to do with this information. Am I supposed to show her? Isn’t it just something you do? A simple, “hey I don’t know how to say this but I feel good being around you ” would be nice. Or even a miss you here and there wouldn’t feel to bad either. I just want expressions that make me know that you like me being around you. Just something, anything!

If I can’t get any human emotion out of her then I think it will be best to just leave things as they are now.

Change

Life changes so much it’s crazy. And sometimes those changes are good, and sometimes they’re not. People come and go out if your life just as more come in. Sometimes you’re surrounded by them and others you don’t know who to turn to.

This year for me has been filled with changes. From losing friends to meeting new ones. Being in relationships to breaking up and having a heart broken. Not to mention everything going on with my mother’s surgery.

To me, change is good. Change is an opportunity to learn new things and to also grow. Plus, I get really tired of always doing the same routine over and over again.

Recently I’ve been feeling like I need change. More in specific regarding my work. I don’t hate it, it’s not hard, and it’s not a terrible job. I work in a very decent place and everything is fine. But is it bad that I want to change that? I want to change it for something better.

I want to grow, I want to expand, and maybe even pursue my dream. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t see myself working at my job the rest of my life. I know a lot of people think that way but no one actually does anything to change it.

But I will.

Let’s Talk About Yesterday

I consider myself a very happy person. Not like over the top happy just happy in general aside from my issues happy lol. If you see me, most likely I will give you a warm smile. Usually when talking with friends if they have some sort of issue I’ll do my best to give them advice or at least try to make them see the bright side of things, if there is no bright side, then I’ll try to make them see what can be learned from the experience?

But yesterday, oh boy yesterday. Let’s talk about yesterday, so, I came back from Los Angeles sleep deprived since I only slept three or so hours because I went to a club the night before and fell asleep as soon as I got home.

When I woke up I really woke up in a bad mood. Not a grumpy mood just less energetic. Like not wanting to deal with anyone, not wanting to speak to anyone or have anyone speak to me. Even though I had a great nap and it was one of the bests I’ve ever had I woke up feeling ugh I’m going to say it, sad.

I’m not a sad person, well not anymore at least. I texted a friend who always see things in a different way. I told her that I needed some of her infinite wisdom. She’s those types of people that doesn’t chose sides. You tell her give me the reasons why Orange is the best color and she will, but she will also give you the reasons why it’s not, so she’s a very neutral person and I love her for that. She always makes me see both side of the coin.

She told me it was natural that I was feeling a little bit under the weather. She told me that we can’t be happy all the time. But that’s the thing, I need to be happy, I really hate being emotional or worrying about things.

The thing is that this feeling goes beyond feeling sad, its more if a tired feeling. Yes, I think that’s a better way of describing it. So, I have been more “out there” as they say, making new friends, dating and what not, going to parties, and just talking to friends more in general. Being this social is draining to say the least. For someone who didn’t even want to go to work and then only a couple months later have all these things on his list to do is a real dramatic change. A change that is good, because I hate being the victim. But nonetheless its still draining me. Because I haven’t had any me time. Or any alone time.

I think I need to disconnect for at least one day. Maybe turn my phone off for the whole day and just do me. Have no one know where I am or go out and just have fun by myself, center my thoughts and have a moment to myself. Or maybe I just need chocolate?

I Become Cold

Who do you call when you are at the end of your rope? What do you do when there is no one to call, because everyone is against you? Or so you feel that way.

Your best friend is supposed to be there for you through the good and the bad. Sometimes your best friend knows more about you than your own family does. Why? Because you tell them all your secrets. You tell them what you like, you even tell them what and who you hate.

They get to know you like the back of their hand. No, better, they get to know you sometimes better than they know themselves. You let them in your world and for a split second it’s bliss. It’s like a magical wonderland of infinite adventures. You want to spend every waking moment with them, you want to tell them everything.

But what happens when your at your lowest? When you need them? When your about to make the worst mistake of your life and they aren’t anywhere in sight?

What if they tell you that they want to be your friend, but they don’t want the responsibility of being there when you need them? Because they’re scared. Because they wouldn’t know what to do. Because it’s just too much for them to handle.

Maybe I’m too needy? Maybe I’m too pushy? But if I give you my heart and soul I expect that in return or else I become cold. I leave. I get distant. Don’t ask why. Don’t say goodbye. You knew this was going to happen. You saw it coming like reading from a book. But you won’t read the end because your to afraid of what I’ll do. Of what we will become. Of what we have become.