Could We Still Have A Friendship?

I just came back from seeing an old (church) friend that I haven’t seen in a long while. I don’t know how to feel about it.

I miss him. I kind of sort of miss everyone, well not everyone but some. I miss their personalities and their companionship. This friend and I were super close when I was a Jehovah Witness. He was the first one that I told that I was leaving the religion. At the time I told him our relationship wasn’t at its best. Yes, I was mad at him, and yes, I held that grudge for so long.

 

It was nice seeing him again. Talking like there was nothing wrong between us. There really isn’t. I don’t hold anything against him. I don’t. I hope he doesn’t either. We went out to eat and we talked. Laughed. Caught up on things that have gone on in our lives since the last time I saw him. He’s doing well.

He didn’t bring up the subject of religion. He didn’t ask me what I was going to do. I appreciate that. Does it make me a fool to believe we could still have a friendship? Knowing very well that we do not belong to the same religion? That we don’t believe the same things? Or maybe this is an attempt to get me back in there? What if he’s being nice to me in order for me to see that its not all bad? What if that was my Girlfriends plan all along? My mother has been increasingly nice to me. And just this morning my GF’s mom wanted to have lunch with me to “talk”. Am I now just paranoid?

Is this all just a game to everyone? My feelings are all over the place and I don’t even know what to think. First I want to believe that everyone genuinely misses me and wants to be part of my life like they once were. Another part of me looks past all this and looks beyond their kindness and knows that they are trained by their religion to be kind to those who have strayed away in hopes that they will go back. Maybe its a little of both?

I think will my emotion and right now I have a lot of them so I don’t know what to think. All these people say they want the best for me but when I tell them that the best for me is not going back they still insist on me returning.

This is confusing the shit out of me. I don’t like getting ambushed like this.

I feel like I’m complaining that they are being nice to me. I am. If they were rude or disrespectful to me then it would be way easier to pick what side I want to be on. But that’s why this is such a mind game, because they are this way.

Fuck.

 

 

My Priority

Relationships are hard to maintain. I’m talking about all of them. Not just romantic ones.

My friend group mainly consists of females. I have a couple of guy friends here and there and if I was going out I would mainly choose them. With my female friends we usually see each other in groups and don’t text every single day. I love them and even though we only see each other at least once a month we all know that we are there for each other and we still have that strong bond of friendship there between us.

Now that I am dating, a female, I should add. This sort of has to change. My time is more for my girlfriend now. I’m not saying I’ll forget my friends. I’m just saying that if my GF would like to hang out and do something, she is now my main priority. Its not like we’ve been dating for just some weeks. I’ve known her for years and I have been dating her on and off for almost a year now.

I understand how this could leave my other friends feeling with a sense of abandonment. Here I am always at my friends feet ready for what ever they need, always available for what ever event they have planned. Want to go out and grab a bite? Sure I’m there. But now its different. I don’t walk alone. I have a significant other I have to think of. If I feel the relationship is going somewhere I am the type of person to invest even more time in that relationship.

She is the same. Her friend group mostly consists of guys. One of the things that I really like about her is that she gets along with every one, but very girly girls seem to get on her nervous. Plus she’s more out doors too, and active. So she has a lot of guy friends.

When we started dating the first time back in the beginning of the year I saw how she distanced herself from some of her guy friends. Not as much as to not speak to them anymore, but more out of respect for me. Later on, we all came to discover that one of her friends that later became a friend of mine actually wanted to get with her. I saw it from a mile away but she didn’t. Get my point?

I’m not saying that people with opposite sexual preferences can’t be friends.  They can, it has worked. I’m just saying its very possible that the relationship that those two individuals hold may become more than  just a friend ship without either of the two parties knowing about it.

If this is all too complicated, you can blame my brain because obviously somethings loose up in there.

I just wish that some friends would understand that just because we don’t communicate ever single day, that doesn’t mean that the friendship is over. We can still chat from time to time, even go out to eat and talk for a bit.

But I am with some one now. My priority is them. That is how I think.

Not to mention all the other random things I have going on in my life right now. Give me a break, I am only one person and I can only divide myself into so many people.

My Best Friend Is A Psychopath

Yes, you read that correctly, My best friend is a psychopath.

Don’t worry, I will explain it all, and when I am finished you will have no other option but to agree with me. I was wondering why I have always had issues with him. Yes we get along most of the time, but then there are those moments I really don’t understand why he does things. There are times I wonder what he thinks or feels and I can’t really get a clear imagine. I, 100% don’t know. I don’t know who he is. When you think of your best friend don’t you automatically know what they like and dislike? What they want to do or the places they want to go? I’ve known him for maybe a little over five years and it seems that I still don’t know him at all. I know of him, but I don’t know him

Here are the reasons I think my best friend is a psychopath;

 

  • Pathological Liar

He always says he doesn’t lie. And to a certain extent he is correct. But what I have noticed during all the years that I have known him is that he doesn’t say the truth either. He is very vague. If you want to get an answer out of him you will have to be very specific in the way you ask your question because he will give you the run around and not give you the truth. Just a couple of weeks ago we went out to eat and his mom called him. I noticed that in this phone call his mom asked him where he was at, to that he said “out”. I know it could just be the youth-of-today type of thing. But trust me, this happens a lot and not just with his parents.

 

  • Superficial Charm

He’s that type of person that will make you feel part of a conversation. At church everyone loves him. They think he is great. There is no wrong he can do and everyone loves to be around him. He just has that thing makes you want to be around him. But it’s only on the surface. I have seen a glimpse of what he really is. One time I asked him something about him being so liked or social, and to that he said, “yeah I talk to everyone, but I don’t care about them.”

 

  • Great Sense Of Self Worth

The confidence that radiates off of him is something to see. I have never seen him nervous. I have never seen him shaken or scared of something he had to do. Nope. He is so sure of him self. He knows what he needs to do and does it. Its all planned in his head and he knows he will accomplish it. He is never wrong and always knows the correct answer and will always be the first to correct you if you are wrong because he knows that you are, and he knows that he is right.

 

  • Lack Of Remorse & Shallow Emotions

He has a weird obsession with liking turtles. I asked him about it once. He told me that when he was younger, maybe 7 or 8 years old, he had turtles. One day, he grabbed a bat and crushed them all into little pieces. I don’t know why he told me that, but I brushed it off as a super hyper active young kid. Now that I sit here and think of the way he treats his brothers I get shivers down my spine. I hate going to his house because his siblings are always fighting, but what bothers me is when he gets in on it. When the youngest boy is not doing what he is supposed to, my friend will pull his hair until he does. If my friend is fighting with the other older brother, even if he is losing he will not show symptoms of pain. Boys will be boys? One time they were fighting after I had dropped them off, and he grabbed the chain from the front gate and started choking his brother. Sure I felt a little uncomfortable but if that’s what they do, then it’s none of my business. The brother of his had a bruise for the next couple of days.

I have asked him countless times to be more expressive with me. If you read my blog daily you know there have been posts about him lacking any emotion. I swear I don’t know what he is feeling at all. He just is. All he does is exist, if that makes any sense. Ask me what makes him happy, I dare you. I wouldn’t know what to say. He only does the things I like to do, and when I ask him what he wants to do, he always says, “whatever you want.”

 

  • Parasitic Ways

I just mentioned a little about this at the end of the previous paragraph. There has been no time where anything that we have done together has been his idea. Every time we hang out it’s because of me. Where ever we go, I though about it. He just tags along. Does he like it? Does he enjoy doing the activities that we do? Who knows. He doesn’t say. We never talk about his life. It’s always what I am doing, thinking, or feeling. If I don’t say what I am up to, the conversation is bland. He never talks about his days, what he’s up to or what he has done.

I have also noticed, and this is creepy, but at the same time I want to say that its because we talk a lot, but he uses a lot of phrases I use in my vocabulary. I usually like to switch up what I say. Maybe I hear a nice word or a phrase on a show and will randomly say it, he does the same. He copies me. If I stop saying something he will too. I even tested this out this month. When you are asked something that you don’t know that answer to your response is typically “I don’t know”, correct? Well, that is him as well. Instead of that, I started saying “I’m not sure.” He never said these set of words in his life. Two weeks after I had started saying them he said them when I asked him a question he didn’t know the answer to.

 

  • Manipulative

He gets what he wants. It’s like he knows how your brain already works because he knows what to say to get where he wants to go. He’s very smart. He knows what you want. He knows what you will do to get it, and he knows how he can use that to his advantage.

 

 

This is where I will stop. Trust me, there are way more things I can write about. There are so many other traits that he falls into. But these are the main ones. I don’t really know why I am friends with him. This post has really opened my eyes. I’m not saying that I will cut him out of my life, no. I just have to be more careful. It’s hard to be friends with someone like this. Really hard.

Déjà Vu

I am a giver.

If I become one of your friends I do not take that job lightly. Once you have gained my trust you are let into my world. The walls that I carry around me are let down. Sure, I still keep some up, but you still get to see who I am in many ways. I don’t play games when it comes to friends. If you give me time and attention, I will do the same. But I am sensitive, I get hurt easily, I am a lightweight.

I’m not currently talking to my best friend. It’s been weird. I don’t really know what’s going on. Well, I do. I know exactly how I feel about it. I’m just trying to find the right words to use to explain it.

I thought we told each other everything. No secrets. But I HATE, when I give more than I get. I know that it may sound selfish, and to be honest it is. But I don’t care, I feel I give enough to expect back. Back to the subject at hand, essentially I got tired of always talking about me.

Our conversations always consisted of me telling him what I am up to, what I am doing at the moment. When he would ask me how my day was, I would go into detail and tell him everything I had done. If I asked him how his day was his response would be “good” and that’s it. If I asked him anything about his family or anything personal I would never get a straight answer. It would always be generic or bland. As if I was talking to a computer. If I wanted to know more I had to pry, I had to ask very straight forward questions or else I would get dizzy running circles.

So I started acting the same way he did. I was a mirror of what he was. Short answers, very vague responses. It only got worse. The communication was repetitive and the conversations never went anywhere. So I had enough and I stopped replying. Its been a couple of days now.

He texted me yesterday saying that he hopes that I am doing well. I didn’t reply. Why would I? This same thing happened last year. And he came crawling back apologizing for how suborn he was. I forgave him. Why is he so secretive? I understand not everyone is like me, not everyone is willing to spill their hearts out to their friends. But to build friendships you need a certain vulnerability. And in this one there is none.

I don’t know where we will end up. I don’t know what will happen. I am at a point where I don’t really care. I am tired of always being the one that has to save relationships. I did nothing wrong and maybe he thinks that too. I don’t know what my next move is, maybe he does. I’ll sit here and wait patiently in the mean time.

Ruined The Friendship

I think I just ended a friendship.

I texted one of my friends that I was going to take a break from talking to him for a while. I told him things are weird and seem a little off. He said that nothing is wrong and everything is fine.

But isn’t that what everyone says to calm down a situation? Like if someone came up to you and just went like – I think I’m going crazy. You’re not going to look at them and be like – oh yeah dude for sure you have been acting wild. No, you’re gonna be sympathetic and be like -nah man it’s all in your head.

I mean I don’t know. I don’t know why I do these things. I feel so inexperienced all the sudden with everything, I’m surprised I don’t forget to breathe sometimes. Or even how to blink.

Let me go back though, so, I know it has to be me. I feel like he’s really been annoying lately. I’m not sure how or even why. But I’m just bugged out by every little thing he says. Maybe I’m under to much stress and everything that’s small just seems really big right now. (That actually could be it to be honest).

We’ve been friends for years on and off. He’s very stubborn, never wrong, and not the most humblest of people. But I look past that. Or I’ve been looking past that. But sometimes it gets on my nerves.

What did I want him to say? I wanted him to be like, -no, I’m still going to text you everyday. We don’t need a break. Or even, -is it something that I did it said? How can I fix it or help? You know what I mean? Something along those lines.

I also feel that we’ve been drifting away. Going separate ways in different directions. I get that. We all grow up and make our own decisions or what ever but god dam its hard. Thought we would always be friends.

No one tells you this stuff. No one tells you you’re going to disconnect with friends. No one warns you. Again, maybe it’s just me. I always like to blame myself and take the fall for stuff. Mainly because it’s mostly my fault at times, but still.

Will I talk to him soon? Maybe. Will he reach out first? I hope.


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