I am very well at expressing my emotions. If I am happy you will definitely know that I am. If I am sad, with no doubt that will show on my face and the way I carry myself. Even possibly it will show in the way I walk.
Now, my question is, how do some people walk around this world faking all of their expressions and emotions? Hiding their emotions like its a dirty stain on their shirt that they don’t want anyone to see. Sweeping it under the wrong where no one can see them but everyone can step on them?
But then, late at night. That’s when they let it out. When they are alone. When the pressure is to much and their shoulders are tired of caring a facade all day. Is that healthy? Is that ok? I mean yes, my emotional state of mine brings me problems once in a while but I’d rather let it all out then hold it all in, if that makes any sense.
One of my friends texted in in the middle of the night with some words of concern, or at least I thought. But then soon in the day when I asked him about it, he told me “never mind”. Oh, ok, sure. I’m sorry I bothered you with my friendship. It must have been a typo what you wrote, did you forget to put your filter on at night? That something actually real came out of your mouth?
Are some people like that? Do they not like to talk to the people they most trust? Honestly yes, I do feel that way some times. But not to the fullest extent. I don’t want to reveal what I feel. But then there are times when you wont be able to shut me up. I’m an emotional wreck, but it’s ok we’ve learned to love that about me right? (LOL).
I’ve noticed though that there are some people I know that I wonder if they are even humans. They show no sign of emotion, sympathy, or anything close to acting like a regular person would. They walk around acting like the rest of us, they live their lives just as a regular person would, and they even have “connections” with people in their inner circles. If you didn’t take time to pay attention they might even seem like regular people. But they’re not. They can’t be.
The one thing that’s missing is, emotion. There is none. They act like they are supposed to if I tell them something sad. They try their best to show compassion, but lets be real, I know its all fake. I know they hide something behind that cheesey smile.
I feel like I’ve talked about this on my blog before. It’s that important that I have to talk about it again. To me it’s one of the most important aspects in life. It’s great for whose forgiving and for who ever is being forgiven.
On Monday I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in over eight months. I blocked and deleted her off my social media after trying to compare me to her boyfriend and her other friends. One thing that I’ve always disliked is comparisons between people.
During this time, I wasn’t the best type of friend. It was the summer for me and only me. I was “finding myself”. But I didn’t see that what I was actually doing was losing who I was and getting further away from who I should have been.
I lost track of her. I didn’t know about her other then what other friends we had in common would tell me. The amount of resent I had towards her had grown so much to a point where, even hearing about her mother passing away, I didn’t think of reconnecting with her. I didn’t even answer her calls. It’s not ok but I can admit that now.
Until recently I came to realize that I can’t be who I am running away from people. I can’t be who I am not being able to forgive them, let alone ask for forgiveness. Was I at fault for leaving her behind? Maybe not. But I reached out because that was the correct thing to do. I didn’t expect us to be best friends again, that’s not what I wanted. We live very different worlds now, all I wanted was us to be better. For my conscious to be clean and her heart to be ok.
We had a good talk, her and I. I apologized for not being there. I told her I was sorry about her mom. Being so close to my own mom I saw how much of a jerk I was for not being there, thinking about losing my mom is out of the picture for me.
Talking to her won’t make is best friends again, I’m not really sure if it will make us friends. But to be honest, that’s not what I was looking for. I was looking to close that door. To not have it in the back of my mind. And now that it has closed I can move on and so can she.
I’m sitting eating at a Wendy’s close to my home. I was supposed to meet up with a friend to hang out. Wait no, scratch that. I went to his house and waited on him for a good ten minutes before telling him that I was going to leave. Soon I left.
I know what you’re thinking. How inconsiderate of me. Why couldn’t I wait for him a couple more minutes? What was I such in a rush?
I’ll tell you what. I’m done waiting for people. I literally told him at what time I was going to be there. I even told him when I left work so he would be ready. Was he? Nope.
This is not the first time this has happened with a friend. A month or so ago I wanted to see a movie and I was going to pick up a friend to go see it with me. I told her the time I even told her that I had bought the tickets. When I got to her house at the time I told her I would be there she texted me saying she was in the city next door. She told me she would be there in twenty minutes, she arrived two hours later.
I, the good person that I am, calmly waited in the drive way. Until that friend arrived two hours later. But now I see a pattern. All my friends think that because I am this super nice kind guy they can walk all over me? Oh he’s here, I’m not even ready, but it’s ok, he’ll wait for me anyways. Is this how they are thinking? Is that how they see me?
I know I’ve said this before but since the universe isn’t listening I’ll say it again, I’m at a point in my life where I don’t care if you’re my friend or not. Don’t tell me you love me so much and then cancel plans last minute. Don’t say you enjoy spending time with me but only plan things every other month. I don’t have room in my life for liars and laggers anymore.
I once went to a friends house to help her move at mid night after working eight hours at my first job and six at my second job. I was there on the dot when I told her I would be. Guess where she was? At her boyfriends house sleeping. Where was her boyfriend? The one that should have been helping her? He was out drinking with his friends. sad to say it wasn’t the first time that friend fell asleep on me.
I’ve looked into the past, I’ve reopened closed cases, and I’ve come to realize that I’ve always been that friend. You need a ride but don’t have any money to pay? I was there. Your boyfriend is being an ass and you just need someone to listen? I was there. Your mom is telling you how much of a failure you turned out to be? I was there.
I was there. All the freaking time, I was there. Well guess what honey, that statement will remain as is, because it’s true. I wasthere.
Religión has always been a huge part of my homosexual life.
This past weekend I went to a religious convention for my religion. I’ve always had a hate/love relationship with my church (organization). I’ve grown to hate my self just as much as hate Them. I was so close to death so many times because of this toxic relationship. Yet, there I found myself sitting calmly listing to the preacher diss and humiliate the homosexual community for sinning against god.
I can’t say I disagree on all of their teachings though, I do like some. But, does that make me hypocritical? Because I only chose what I want to listen to and dislike the ones that change me?
The only friend I have that is also in this religion was also there. We haven’t had the greatest communication lately. I thought it was because I had came out to him. He swears he’s been the busiest little bee ever. What do I believe? My little paranoid brain? Or his empty words?
Today is the day I let go. I let go of this pain. If he does not want to be in my life for what ever the reason it may be. Then so be it. I tried to keep him by my side for so long. I’m over it. He will miss me I know that’s a sure thing. I will to. It will hurt but I’m moving on with my life and if he doesn’t want to be part of it there’s not much I can do.
I wrote this post back in May of this year, it was when I was going through stuff with one of my all time best friends. I don’t know what I was going through really, maybe just an episode of pure depression and self loathing. I don’t recall why I never posted it. I was probably hopping for a better outcome.
So what happened with me and this friend after May 28th? I stopped trying. I let go. It was so hard and it really did hurt me not to talk to him. Imagine talking to someone every second of every day for years and then you completely stop.
I saw it coming. We went from telling each other every little detail of every insignificant thing to speaking to each other with one world answers, and finally to not speaking at all. The day I got home from that convention I remember messaging him something and him replying with a, “yup“. That’s when I decided it was over.
I was not going to try to mend a friendship with a person who did not want to contribute to solve the problem. You would think that maybe he would have reached out and ask if anything was ok, but he didn’t. Which only proved my theory to be correct.
So, this whole summer we lived our lives not speaking to each other. Only pretending to be civil in front of others if we ever crossed paths. No one knew the history, no one knew the secrets.
But during Labor Day weekend everything changed. I went to the beach with some friends and he went along as well. Some how we ended up talking. Nothing serious, just making jokes and laughing about simple irrelevant things. The day was a blast and we both had fun.
The next day he messaged me;
“Thank you for sticking with me. I’ve been such a dork and dumb friend that I couldn’t see that my stubborn personality was pushing us apart. I have let that part of me go for the sake that I can continue to be your friend. So thank you for not giving up on me. Sorry for being petty and reckless to a point where I almost ruined what we had. And I know that just cuz i said that won’t make us go to what we were just like that. But I’m here for the long haul so I’ll do whatver it takes to get back to where we need to be.”
I wasn’t expecting him to say these things. Yes, I’d stop talking to him but I never showed him any hostility. Whenever I’d see him at church gatherings I would always say hi. Not because I was over it, but because I wanted him to think I was. I missed his friendship.
We talked a for a bit after that. Things had settled. Feelings had subsided. Was it just time apart that we needed for our friendship to grow back to how it once was?
What ever it was, now we are back at it again. Friends. I don’t know about him, but I’ve changed as the person this summer. I take care of my feelings more, I’m more outspoken, I’m not scared to lose people like I once was, and the best of all, I don’t need anyone but myself to make me happy.
Friendship is like a piece of paper. It’s nice when it’s new. The possibilities are endless to what you can write. It’s a blank canvas of endless adventures and excitement. It’s clean, untouched, and unbothered. Sometimes it almost feels like there is no ending.
But, crumble that paper up in a ball. Or grab a pen and pierce the paper fiercely with anger. Wet it and throw it around some. Step on it. Make little cuts along the edges.
Now, try to unfold it. Try to make it as flat and as smooth as it once was. Try to make it new again. Try to read the words that were once on that paper now filled with holes. Is it still wet? Is it sticking to itself? Are the blue lines that separated sentences blurred and hard to tell apart? Is it a struggle just figure out what to do with the paper? Is there anything else that can be done to save it or is it just a lost cause?
In the same way, friendship can go through so many challenges and in the end it will never be a clean piece of paper. It’s fragile, damaged, barley holding together, and it’s hard to make out what once was. Will it ever be the same once it has gone through so many obstacles? All the mistrust, hate, deceiving, lying, and deception?
That’s the ugly part of friendship. Tell me, is it really worth it, to keep this friendship alive?