My Best Friend Is A Psychopath

Yes, you read that correctly, My best friend is a psychopath.

Don’t worry, I will explain it all, and when I am finished you will have no other option but to agree with me. I was wondering why I have always had issues with him. Yes we get along most of the time, but then there are those moments I really don’t understand why he does things. There are times I wonder what he thinks or feels and I can’t really get a clear imagine. I, 100% don’t know. I don’t know who he is. When you think of your best friend don’t you automatically know what they like and dislike? What they want to do or the places they want to go? I’ve known him for maybe a little over five years and it seems that I still don’t know him at all. I know of him, but I don’t know him

Here are the reasons I think my best friend is a psychopath;

 

  • Pathological Liar

He always says he doesn’t lie. And to a certain extent he is correct. But what I have noticed during all the years that I have known him is that he doesn’t say the truth either. He is very vague. If you want to get an answer out of him you will have to be very specific in the way you ask your question because he will give you the run around and not give you the truth. Just a couple of weeks ago we went out to eat and his mom called him. I noticed that in this phone call his mom asked him where he was at, to that he said “out”. I know it could just be the youth-of-today type of thing. But trust me, this happens a lot and not just with his parents.

 

  • Superficial Charm

He’s that type of person that will make you feel part of a conversation. At church everyone loves him. They think he is great. There is no wrong he can do and everyone loves to be around him. He just has that thing makes you want to be around him. But it’s only on the surface. I have seen a glimpse of what he really is. One time I asked him something about him being so liked or social, and to that he said, “yeah I talk to everyone, but I don’t care about them.”

 

  • Great Sense Of Self Worth

The confidence that radiates off of him is something to see. I have never seen him nervous. I have never seen him shaken or scared of something he had to do. Nope. He is so sure of him self. He knows what he needs to do and does it. Its all planned in his head and he knows he will accomplish it. He is never wrong and always knows the correct answer and will always be the first to correct you if you are wrong because he knows that you are, and he knows that he is right.

 

  • Lack Of Remorse & Shallow Emotions

He has a weird obsession with liking turtles. I asked him about it once. He told me that when he was younger, maybe 7 or 8 years old, he had turtles. One day, he grabbed a bat and crushed them all into little pieces. I don’t know why he told me that, but I brushed it off as a super hyper active young kid. Now that I sit here and think of the way he treats his brothers I get shivers down my spine. I hate going to his house because his siblings are always fighting, but what bothers me is when he gets in on it. When the youngest boy is not doing what he is supposed to, my friend will pull his hair until he does. If my friend is fighting with the other older brother, even if he is losing he will not show symptoms of pain. Boys will be boys? One time they were fighting after I had dropped them off, and he grabbed the chain from the front gate and started choking his brother. Sure I felt a little uncomfortable but if that’s what they do, then it’s none of my business. The brother of his had a bruise for the next couple of days.

I have asked him countless times to be more expressive with me. If you read my blog daily you know there have been posts about him lacking any emotion. I swear I don’t know what he is feeling at all. He just is. All he does is exist, if that makes any sense. Ask me what makes him happy, I dare you. I wouldn’t know what to say. He only does the things I like to do, and when I ask him what he wants to do, he always says, “whatever you want.”

 

  • Parasitic Ways

I just mentioned a little about this at the end of the previous paragraph. There has been no time where anything that we have done together has been his idea. Every time we hang out it’s because of me. Where ever we go, I though about it. He just tags along. Does he like it? Does he enjoy doing the activities that we do? Who knows. He doesn’t say. We never talk about his life. It’s always what I am doing, thinking, or feeling. If I don’t say what I am up to, the conversation is bland. He never talks about his days, what he’s up to or what he has done.

I have also noticed, and this is creepy, but at the same time I want to say that its because we talk a lot, but he uses a lot of phrases I use in my vocabulary. I usually like to switch up what I say. Maybe I hear a nice word or a phrase on a show and will randomly say it, he does the same. He copies me. If I stop saying something he will too. I even tested this out this month. When you are asked something that you don’t know that answer to your response is typically “I don’t know”, correct? Well, that is him as well. Instead of that, I started saying “I’m not sure.” He never said these set of words in his life. Two weeks after I had started saying them he said them when I asked him a question he didn’t know the answer to.

 

  • Manipulative

He gets what he wants. It’s like he knows how your brain already works because he knows what to say to get where he wants to go. He’s very smart. He knows what you want. He knows what you will do to get it, and he knows how he can use that to his advantage.

 

 

This is where I will stop. Trust me, there are way more things I can write about. There are so many other traits that he falls into. But these are the main ones. I don’t really know why I am friends with him. This post has really opened my eyes. I’m not saying that I will cut him out of my life, no. I just have to be more careful. It’s hard to be friends with someone like this. Really hard.

Déjà Vu

I am a giver.

If I become one of your friends I do not take that job lightly. Once you have gained my trust you are let into my world. The walls that I carry around me are let down. Sure, I still keep some up, but you still get to see who I am in many ways. I don’t play games when it comes to friends. If you give me time and attention, I will do the same. But I am sensitive, I get hurt easily, I am a lightweight.

I’m not currently talking to my best friend. It’s been weird. I don’t really know what’s going on. Well, I do. I know exactly how I feel about it. I’m just trying to find the right words to use to explain it.

I thought we told each other everything. No secrets. But I HATE, when I give more than I get. I know that it may sound selfish, and to be honest it is. But I don’t care, I feel I give enough to expect back. Back to the subject at hand, essentially I got tired of always talking about me.

Our conversations always consisted of me telling him what I am up to, what I am doing at the moment. When he would ask me how my day was, I would go into detail and tell him everything I had done. If I asked him how his day was his response would be “good” and that’s it. If I asked him anything about his family or anything personal I would never get a straight answer. It would always be generic or bland. As if I was talking to a computer. If I wanted to know more I had to pry, I had to ask very straight forward questions or else I would get dizzy running circles.

So I started acting the same way he did. I was a mirror of what he was. Short answers, very vague responses. It only got worse. The communication was repetitive and the conversations never went anywhere. So I had enough and I stopped replying. Its been a couple of days now.

He texted me yesterday saying that he hopes that I am doing well. I didn’t reply. Why would I? This same thing happened last year. And he came crawling back apologizing for how suborn he was. I forgave him. Why is he so secretive? I understand not everyone is like me, not everyone is willing to spill their hearts out to their friends. But to build friendships you need a certain vulnerability. And in this one there is none.

I don’t know where we will end up. I don’t know what will happen. I am at a point where I don’t really care. I am tired of always being the one that has to save relationships. I did nothing wrong and maybe he thinks that too. I don’t know what my next move is, maybe he does. I’ll sit here and wait patiently in the mean time.

Ruined The Friendship

I think I just ended a friendship.

I texted one of my friends that I was going to take a break from talking to him for a while. I told him things are weird and seem a little off. He said that nothing is wrong and everything is fine.

But isn’t that what everyone says to calm down a situation? Like if someone came up to you and just went like – I think I’m going crazy. You’re not going to look at them and be like – oh yeah dude for sure you have been acting wild. No, you’re gonna be sympathetic and be like -nah man it’s all in your head.

I mean I don’t know. I don’t know why I do these things. I feel so inexperienced all the sudden with everything, I’m surprised I don’t forget to breathe sometimes. Or even how to blink.

Let me go back though, so, I know it has to be me. I feel like he’s really been annoying lately. I’m not sure how or even why. But I’m just bugged out by every little thing he says. Maybe I’m under to much stress and everything that’s small just seems really big right now. (That actually could be it to be honest).

We’ve been friends for years on and off. He’s very stubborn, never wrong, and not the most humblest of people. But I look past that. Or I’ve been looking past that. But sometimes it gets on my nerves.

What did I want him to say? I wanted him to be like, -no, I’m still going to text you everyday. We don’t need a break. Or even, -is it something that I did it said? How can I fix it or help? You know what I mean? Something along those lines.

I also feel that we’ve been drifting away. Going separate ways in different directions. I get that. We all grow up and make our own decisions or what ever but god dam its hard. Thought we would always be friends.

No one tells you this stuff. No one tells you you’re going to disconnect with friends. No one warns you. Again, maybe it’s just me. I always like to blame myself and take the fall for stuff. Mainly because it’s mostly my fault at times, but still.

Will I talk to him soon? Maybe. Will he reach out first? I hope.


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Not Human

I am very well at expressing my emotions. If I am happy you will definitely know that I am. If I am sad, with no doubt that will show on my face and the way I carry myself. Even possibly it will show in the way I walk.

Now, my question is, how do some people walk around this world faking all of their expressions and emotions? Hiding their emotions like its a dirty stain on their shirt that they don’t want anyone to see. Sweeping it under the wrong where no one can see them but everyone can step on them?

But then, late at night. That’s when they let it out. When they are alone. When the pressure is to much and their shoulders are tired of caring a facade all day. Is that healthy? Is that ok? I mean yes, my emotional state of mine brings me problems once in a while but I’d rather let it all out then hold it all in, if that makes any sense.

One of my friends texted in in the middle of the night with some words of concern, or at least I thought. But then soon in the day when I asked him about it, he told me “never mind”. Oh, ok, sure. I’m sorry I bothered you with my friendship. It must have been a typo what you wrote, did you forget to put your filter on at night? That something actually real came out of your mouth?

Are some people like that? Do they not like to talk to the people they most trust? Honestly yes, I do feel that way some times. But not to the fullest extent. I don’t want to reveal what I feel. But then there are times when you wont be able to shut me up. I’m an emotional wreck, but it’s ok we’ve learned to love that about me right? (LOL).

I’ve noticed though that there are some people I know that I wonder if they are even humans. They show no sign of emotion, sympathy, or anything close to acting like a regular person would. They walk around acting like the rest of us, they live their lives just as a regular person would, and they even have “connections” with people in their inner circles. If you didn’t take time to pay attention they might even seem like regular people. But they’re not. They can’t be.

The one thing that’s missing is, emotion. There is none. They act like they are supposed to if I tell them something sad. They try their best to show compassion, but lets be real, I know its all fake. I know they hide something behind that cheesey smile.

Or maybe its just me? Most likely.


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I Can’t Be Who I Am…

Forgiveness.

I feel like I’ve talked about this on my blog before. It’s that important that I have to talk about it again. To me it’s one of the most important aspects in life. It’s great for whose forgiving and for who ever is being forgiven.

On Monday I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in over eight months. I blocked and deleted her off my social media after trying to compare me to her boyfriend and her other friends. One thing that I’ve always disliked is comparisons between people.

During this time, I wasn’t the best type of friend. It was the summer for me and only me. I was “finding myself”. But I didn’t see that what I was actually doing was losing who I was and getting further away from who I should have been.

I lost track of her. I didn’t know about her other then what other friends we had in common would tell me. The amount of resent I had towards her had grown so much to a point where, even hearing about her mother passing away, I didn’t think of reconnecting with her. I didn’t even answer her calls. It’s not ok but I can admit that now.

Until recently I came to realize that I can’t be who I am running away from people. I can’t be who I am not being able to forgive them, let alone ask for forgiveness. Was I at fault for leaving her behind? Maybe not. But I reached out because that was the correct thing to do. I didn’t expect us to be best friends again, that’s not what I wanted. We live very different worlds now, all I wanted was us to be better. For my conscious to be clean and her heart to be ok.

We had a good talk, her and I. I apologized for not being there. I told her I was sorry about her mom. Being so close to my own mom I saw how much of a jerk I was for not being there, thinking about losing my mom is out of the picture for me.

Talking to her won’t make is best friends again, I’m not really sure if it will make us friends. But to be honest, that’s not what I was looking for. I was looking to close that door. To not have it in the back of my mind. And now that it has closed I can move on and so can she.