I Didn’t Say It Back

When is it a proper time to say the three magic words in a relationship? Maybe there isn’t a time frame when you should say it? Maybe you should say it when you feel it. But, how will you know if it is what it is? Am I making any sense?

This past weekend I went with my boyfriend to one of his friends house for a little get together. It was fun and I had a good time, I had my moments of anxiety when I really didn’t want to be there, which I probably should have told him, but I didn’t. I learned my lesson though.

Let me get to the point. He got drunk, I was as sober. We were alone outside at one point where he said he really didn’t want to lose me. It was honestly really cute, of course I don’t want to lose him either. I really like this guy, he’s starting to become everything to me.

I was concerned that maybe he wouldn’t remember what we had talked about, since he was drunk. He caught me by surprise when he said the three words.

I thought I was going to be the one to say it first. I thought I was the more emotional one. I know I am. I know that I am the more sentimental one, I am the more romantic one. But I didn’t say it back.

I thought maybe it was that he was drunk, it had to be the alcohol talking, right? Hours passed by and he sobered up, we went to jack in the box to get some food before we went home. I was the only one actually sober sober so I drove everyone home.

He was sober by the time we got home so I asked him if he remembered everything we talked about that night. He said he did. So me, being me, I asked him again if he remembered, everything everything? He looked at me and said yes, and he said it again, and then said that he said it because he meant it. I still didn’t say it back.

Does that make me a bad person? I know that I have strong feelings for him, I do. I don’t think I have felt like this for anyone before, but I want to be really sure, I don’t just want to say it because he said it. I want to say it because I feel it. I know I feel something. I know.

He told me I didn’t have to say it. He said it was ok, he probably said that because I started tearing up. Am I scared to say it? It is a possibility. I really wanted to though, but I wasn’t ready, it wasn’t the time, and I didn’t want him thinking that I said it just because he had. I want to say it because I feel it and I want him to know.

I haven’t said it to anyone before. This is new to me, its scary ok? Plus he said that he didn’t say it in his last relationship until four months in, and yes, I know its not the same thing because hes dating me now but still that’s my brain for you.

I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want this to end, I know that it wont if we don’t let it. He is possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Every day we talk, every time we see each other, every time I think of him, I keep falling for him more and more.

Maybe I am…in love.

One Month

I am super cheesy, so beware, if you are lactose intolerant, you might want to turn away.

Today marks exactly one month that my boyfriend and I have been officially Boyfriends. We have been dating for about two months and have known each other for 3 months, if you want to get technical.

So what did I do? Well despite people or society saying its too soon to be celebrating time together or in the risk of being too sappy, I got him some gifts. I don’t care if it is too soon or not, this is what I feel and I want to show it while I feel it, not when everyone thinks its a good time in MY relationship to do so.

I went to my local flower shop to buy some roses. I went to the dollar store to get some heart shaped balloons, the first dollar store I went to didn’t have any heart shaped balloons, which are the ones I wanted. I headed to a different one and they told me that they were almost out of helium, but by a stroke of luck, they had enough to give me just the amount of balloons I needed. Then I went to the store to buy some heart shaped and cheesy stickers along with some of his favorite candy.

When I came home I placed as much stickers as I could on the wrapping that surrounded the roses. (It was mainly hearts). Then I put a bow on the candy, also more stickers, and then I decorated the letter that I wrote him inside of a sweet little greeting card. (Picture below).

Today I surprised him before he left for work. I was so nervous for some reason. Shakey with hands sweaty. Who was I? I hadn’t seen that me before. I was so happy to see him, to see the look on his face, it was truly priceless. He loved everything.

I know that our relationship is new and in some way it is super fragile, but this beginning stage is so nice. Don’t get me wrong there are times we have our serious talks, its not all roses and candy. We know what we want, we understand each other, and we are very communicative.

I can see a future with him. I can see us growing together. This can’t be wrong, this feeling I have, this fantasy that I have created in my head. I like him so much, I know he likes me too. This can be so great.

I hope that our one month anniversary soon turns into years.

 

IMG_6570[1]

Homophobic Vegas

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Do people still say that? Or do things just happen everywhere now?

Anyways let me get straight to the point here, I went to Las Vegas. What did I experience? a lot of homophobia. Maybe I didn’t notice before how people actually are but in Vegas? Out of all the places in the world that would be the last place I would expect it.

I went with my boyfriend and his friend out to eat at this sky thing that’s… in the sky. I’m pretty sure you know it if you have ever been to Vegas before. I want to make it very clear that every single moment spent with my boyfriend was like a fairy tale and I have no complaint. We were having a good time. Soon later the couple that sat next to us really gave us ‘the stare’.

Soon they waved the waitress over and whispered something in her ear, and then they moved to the table that was the farthest away from us, not even five minutes after they had been seated. I know I should give them the benefit of the doubt and think that they just didn’t like the location that they were seated at. But the way they looked at us was alarming.

That didn’t stop me from holding my boyfriends hand in public, even though I did notice he was sort of tense. We talked about it once we had come home the next day. Even walking on the streets people didn’t seem that too open about it either. But that’s all I’ll say about that.

In all, I had a great time. I actually had the time of my life. I can’t remember the last time I was that happy. Which brings me to my next sappy point, I think I’m really falling for this guy.

Last night I was laying in bed and I was thinking about him and I started laughing, I started giggling like a little boy in preschool. I looked like a dork. I don’t know why. I was grinning I was feeling all warm inside. And all I wanted to do was be with him. I didn’t get to see him yesterday but granted I did get to spend four whole days with him. I don’t get to see him again until the weekend and it can’t come soon enough.

Personal Growth

I have been really proud of myself lately.

If you don’t like to listen to people brag about themselves then you might want to click off because today I’m bragging, and I’m going to do a lot of it because I have not been this proud of myself in maybe years.

If you have been catching up with the hot mess we are willing to call my life, you know that its one hell of a crazy ride. I have my ups and downs and my mental break downs, it’s all fun though…

This year has been the most, by far, the most craziest. But I’m glad it had all happened. You know, things happen for a reason and I truly believe that. I feel that everything I have been through has led me to where I am at today, and maybe if I hadn’t gone through those things I wouldn’t be here. And I like this new found place.

First, the whole religion thing. Sure, I could have left a long time ago, I ask myself many times why I hadn’t, but you know what? I’m letting that question float away with the wind. I don’t need to ask myself that anymore, I’m fine that I left when I did. I am content. The place where I am at spiritually (if you care) is nonexistent at the moment. I am OK with that too. That doesn’t mean I am not searching for God or something, it just means that at the moment I need to take a break, step back, and see what happens in the future.

My family. My mother is healthy and well and so is my brother. He has a stable job and he doesn’t go to church. I know some people would be sad that he doesn’t but I’m glad he never got that involved with that organization. I know if anything happens he’ll still be by my side.

My friends. They’re great. No, we don’t get the opportunity to be around each other every second of the day, but when we can we get together. We keep in contact and I know that they are here for me if I ever do need them. I appreciate them so much for sticking by my side when I was going through everything, or when at least they tried. Sometimes its mostly my fault because I never let them know in the first place.

School. I don’t mean to brag, again, but I do mean to brag when I say that I am at the top of my class. I don’t care, call me a nerd. I find that to be awesome to know what is going on and to keep all that knowledge inside my brain. I’m not greedy though, when ever I get the chance I help my classmates. I love to help them when they don’t understand something. There is something so satisfying when some appreciates you and gives you that thank you smile.

Last but not least, my new relationship. I am still nervous to lose it, but it seems to be flourishing into something beautiful. I know there is no perfect match out there but this one comes pretty close. We are taking it slow so we can get to know each other and I’m perfectly fine with that, it’s just what I needed.

The person I was five years ago would not believe who I am now. Five years ago I would have never imagined that I would be in a place like I am today, that I would feel this great and that I would actually know how it felt to be happy again. Its great.

Life is great when you start doing things that you want to do and start living for yourself and not for others.

This is your life, it’s short, enjoy it.

One Month On Laxapro

I wasn’t unsure about writing this but I feel like I have to anyways. (In a good way of course).

 

For almost all my teenage years and the beginning of my adult life I had been unaware that I had anxiety and depression. I always thought that it was normal to feel the way I felt. Sure, there were times when I knew deep down inside that a person shouldn’t feel that way. But there was nothing I really ever did about it, or at least better said, there was nothing I felt I could do about it. I didn’t tell friends and I didn’t tell any family. I just kept it to myself.

This harmed me in the long run. Keeping all my feelings and emotions bottled up as I did was like a water damn overfilling and on the verge of bursting. Which I almost did a few times.

If I could go back in time and talk to myself or send a letter to my younger self I’d tell him to get help. I’d tell him to talk to a friend to tell them what was actually going on instead of just saying that I was “fine” all the time. I’d tell him to stop worrying about what everyone thinks and that their opinions don’t matter.

But alas, time goes on and everything happens for a reason. So here I am now. One month into taking Laxapro. (This is not a review about it, this is more of my own experience and other things I have done in conjunction with taking the pills).

It took me about five or more months to finally muster up the courage to talk to someone. I’m not one to open up to people about my issues or problems just like that. I don’t like strangers. But I did it, and I’m so glad I did.

When my therapist said that these pills might be able to help, I didn’t want them. See, I had always looked at pills in a negative way. Sure they help, but for how long? What are the side affects? What if I stop taking them? What if they make me worse? What if I become some one else? All these questions and possibly more flooded my head. But after talking with her I decided to trust her. And they worked.

I feel so much better in life. I don’t feel like I’m walking in a hole just going around in circles. I feel free, calm, at peace. Sure I worry some times because its natural. But its not like I used to.

I can’t say that the pills are the only thing that has helped, no. Another huge thing is exercise. I started to run, and run, and run. I was running almost ten miles a day! It was great. Then I joined a gym and started strength training. I never thought I’d be one to lift wights. A good diet also did me so well. I got rid of a lot of drinks that contained sugar and started drinking a lot more water. I suggest that if you want to start a diet. Drinks that contain sugar are what hold you back sometimes. Less carbs more healthy food. Hard at first but then you get used to it and then you even start to enjoy it, you just feel better.

But, the main thing that I have to say has helped me be happier, is finally doing what I want. Or in other words, stop doing what I didn’t want to do. I’m a people pleaser, probably a professional one. If it was a competition I’d win a gold medal for it. I would always put others needs before mine, do what they wanted me to do for them regardless if I wanted to or not, and in the end that hurt me.

Does that mean that now I’m this self entitled selfish douche bag? No. It just means I try to take care of myself before I take care of others. It means that yes, I will still go out of my way to help who I can, do things for them and all that, but this time if it affects me in anyway or I know the out come will in the end only hurt me, then it’s going to be a no for me.

I think I deserve a little happiness or in other words selfishness after all I’ve been through. I’m still the same guy. I still have the same heart, shoot I even think it’s better now.

In the end, I’m glad I got the help I needed, and I’m glad I’m living for myself. I’m glad I’m taking those pills. I’m glad I’m better now.