I Love Food

I feel fat.

I know that it is the least of everyone’s worries right now, but that’s just how I feel, and if I’m honest I think I’m ok with it for now. I might have gained some weight ever since I moved in with my Boyfriend, not that I’m blaming him. I know for a fact that I gained weight during quarantine.

Is it my fault though? No. I didn’t close the gyms, I didn’t make it illegal to go to the park. Its just very frustrating. And I don’t want to sound like those hill billies that want the state to reopen, but I feel like I already do, ugh.

It’s so hard to stay in shape with no motivation though. Or just being at home in general. I just want to eat all the time. I feel like there is a deeper reason behind all my binge eating. I mean I have been going through a lot these couple of weeks so that’s understandable.

This morning when I was getting dressed for work I noticed that my pants didn’t even button anymore. And that’s after I sucked in all the fat that I could, still nada. I had to use a hair tie to extend the button so my pants would be able to close. Sounds funny and sad at the same time if you ask me. (LOL).

For a moment I felt really sad, well not sad, more like pathetic?. Like how could I let myself go like that? I don’t think I have ever been this big before, all my clothes are super tight on me, its not cute. I haven’t even weighed myself, I don’t want to bring that sorrow onto me right now.

I got out of feeling sorry for myself by telling myself, what ever, I’ll workout and eat better when the gyms are open. I’m not really sure if that’s a healthy way of thinking but that’s the way my mind rolled into acceptance this morning. I love food, what can you do?

I think I will have to start a game plan. I read that losing weight is 20% exercise and 80% eating healthy. The odds are not in my favor. I think I’m getting old too, I remember it was not this hard to keep a steady weight. I lost a remarkable amount of weight one summer, I looked really good too if I’m honest. But I was at the ripe age of 22. Now I have to really try harder.

But, I guess, until then I will just have to wing it. I can’t afford to stress about one more thing, I have enough things on my plate (pun intended) to worry about.

Sexual Intercourse

lets talk about

Sex. You have it, I have it, like it or not your parents one time had it too, maybe they still do who knows? If they do props to them.

Are you uncomfortable talking about sex? I know some people hate the word but they love the action. I don’t judge, there is a lot of things involved with that word.

I don’t think we should be ashamed of it though. I remember when I was a child and I would be watching something on TV with my parents, when ever there was a kissing scene I would immediately go to the restroom, or I would act as if I wasn’t even paying attention to the TV, uninterested. As if I was going to get in trouble for seeing such graphic scene.

I was raised in a strict Christian home, which is probably why I thought that way. The only time I heard the word sex was at school, at church it was called “sexual intercourse”, which was only allowed when one would marry.

In my opinion sex is great, specially if you are doing it with someone you love and really care about. If you’re having fun that’s cool too, just be safe with your body, you only have one, take care of it.

I think talking about sex shouldn’t be taboo. Sure, you’re not going to sit at your child’s award assembly and brag to the PTA moms how hard Mr. Smith be hittin’ it. There is a place and time for every thing.

If you don’t like to talk about sex that’s fine too. We all have our right to privacy and sex is one of the most intimate things people do. I just think the shaming of people who have a lot of it needs to stop, for woman, and even men.

When you tell someone to stop doing something that they like, they’re only going to do it more, or they’re going to do it out of spite.

So have (safe) sex. Or don’t, it’s always up to you and only you.

 

 

Changes

I have decided to make some changes to my lifestyle.

Call Me Britney Spears because I did it again, I gained weight. I know I shouldn’t be so concerned about gaining weight here and there, with all the self love that’s allegedly going around now a days. And I wish I could be one of those people that just doesn’t give a fuck about how their body looks like, but sadly I am not.

I like to feel good about my body, I want to be and feel healthy. I don’t want abs and biceps and all that either. I just want to look like I take care of myself. Maybe its a body image issue? I don’t know, it gives me confidence, makes me feel good. Maybe I have a mental issue, who knows? The jury is still out.

To fix this I have decided to quit sugary drinks. Soda, coffee, and juices. I need to only focus on drinking water. Sugar is my main problem. That’s why I’m cutting it out of my life. I’ve done it before and not only have I dropped in pounds, my skin and mood got so much better too, along with my energy levels.

Another change I would like to make is reading. I don’t do it. I used to do a lot of it. But now all I do is binge watch shows. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney, and YouTube have all taken up my time. They have literally taken control of my life. In this time and age everyone is watching something, I miss reading. I miss using my own imagination to paint the scenes and make them how I want them to be in my head. Like, what happened to reading? When was the last time you read a book? I went to the store today after the gym and I grabbed a book. I plan to read it before bed every night, I heard that even helps with falling asleep too, so there’s another benefit.

Those are just two things that I want to change as soon as I can. There are many other things I am also working on as a person and for my self care but they are on going and I probably already mentioned them before on here so I wont bore you with the same details over and over again.

For now, it’s time to change.

10 Pounds L[f]at[t]er

It’s crazy how you can gain weight so fast. Like what’s up with that? Who made this dumb rule, I don’t like it and it needs to be changed as soon as possible.

I worked so hard to get to the weight I wanted to be at, which is really generous for myself, to come back to being the same as when I started.

In just two weeks I manage to gain 10 pounds. Last week was thanksgiving. You mean to tell me that I should refrain from eating all that delicious food? Nope, not I. I probably ate more than I should have, yes, I won’t lie there.

Plus the rest of the days my boyfriend and I ate out aggressively. Snacks at home like we’re 12 also.

This week was no different. I was a little bit under the weather so I didn’t go to the gym. To add on to the it rained so I stayed in bed watching Disney +.

And if you’re in bed, sick, watching Disney movies, of course you’re going to need snacks and hot chocolate.

Now I’m back at the gym, and I made the mistake of getting in the scale and seeing that I’m back to where I started a month ago, if not worse.

I need to stop compulsive eating. I think that’s my issue. But food is just too good to quit.

How do people become health nuts? Or vegans? What demonic presence do they sell their soul to in order to be that thin? Because I swear there can’t be any other way. This whole losing weight is demonic, I swear.

My Weight Loss Summer Journey

Three months ago I wrote a post about how unhealthy and fat I was feeling. Here I am now in the present, today. Living a healthy life. Well, trying to, if I’m being honest.

I have lost about 25 pounds (if not more, not to flex or anything LOL). In the pictures maybe you can notice but I did lose a lot. I am proud of myself. It took a lot of hard work and a lot of self control.

At first it was extremely hard. I remember I was eating out for lunch almost every single day. When I say eating I mean EATING. Every day it I felt like I could eat more and more. There was actually times when I would eat and still feel as if I had more room in my stomach. I would also go for the biggest things.  I thought, the bigger the deal, the more I’m getting for my money. But in reality, my health was going down hill and the only thing that was getting bigger was my waist.

SO, going from burgers every single day to a salad was not easy. But I slowly transitioned. Soon I was eating a salad every day for lunch. I switched my coffee in the mornings to tea (even though I went back to coffee later on, but shhhh we don’t talk about that). I tried to cut out carbs from my diet as much as I could, but not completely, I mean c’mon I’m not a sociopath.

Then I started going for a walk at my local park. ALONE. Yes, people need motivation and support, but there’s something about just walking alone, in your thoughts, with your music hitting your eardrums like a hammer on a nail.

My walk progressed to a slow jog and now I can run for a good while. At the beginning it was very difficult to see results. But looking back now, I see how I (slowly) progressed. I just had to keep at it.

I am very proud of my weight loss. I think that I am in the best shape of my life. I know I am not in the best shape in general, but still I feel great. I do have some concerns though. Well, mostly just one.

Gaining all my weight back. How would I? Two reasons. I have really bad shin splints, and I’m taking Lexapro.

If you don’t know what shin splints are then your are one lucky son of a duck. They suck and they are hard to get rid of. Basically its a sharp pain that affects the shin area of your leg. It can occur for many reasons. Flat feet, uneven surfaces that you may walk on, bad running habits, or increasing the amount of your training too rapidly before your muscles can get a chance to grow and adapt. I feel that I got them for all those reasons and more. If I can’t walk, job, or run, I am scared I’ll gain all the weight back and more.

Lexapro. If you didn’t know, I have anxiety. (One of my many wonderful character traits). A lot of it, if I could give it away or throw it out I would but sadly I can’t so here we are. I take this med to help with it. I have been taking it for about a week now. I haven’t noticed many, or if any, changes. The doctor said I would in about 3 to 4 weeks. That’s not my issue though. One of the side effects is weight gain. I’m already concerned about my shins, now this. Great. Or maybe its just my anxiety trying to get the best out of me before the med hits.

I want to get a gym membership to use other equipment that wont be too hard on my legs. But then I wimp out. I also thought of getting a bike. But then I remember that people in this dumb town don’t lock up their dogs and they chew people up in the street on the daily. Lovely.

SO, in the mean time I’ll just take it easy and try to eat as healthy as I possibly can. Ugh.

*Sips venti Starbucks Frappuccino*

My Life Starts Now

Yesterday, I went to the mall with one of my good friends. I was actually really concerned for everyone’s safety. As I was walking around I got a glimpse of myself in one of those mirrors they have on those poles. I audibly gasped. My man boobs were sticking out like concealed weapons. I was shocked I hadn’t physically stabbed some ones eye out with my cones of flesh popping out from under my shirt. Some one should have stopped me, my friend should have told me something! Clearly the shirt that I was wearing was not flattering at all.

I’m not one to go to the mall in the first place, I don’t understand why society thinks that its ok to make a shirt, slap a brand on it, and sell it for an outrageous amount of money, when you can clearly buy the same one or the same pair of jeans for way less with out the brand name. But, I am glad I did go because it gave me the opportunity to actually get a good look at what I have become. So when my friend asked if I wanted to go with him I said sure, I haven’t gone in months, so I went to remind myself why it is that I don’t actually like to go in the first place. I know, my mind is a tricky place.

Lets talk a little about the pictures you just saw. One is a hot, sexy, confident, young man. The other is some one who stress eats all his problems and emotions. And don’t try to tell me other wise, because NO.

In the picture on the left I was at my all time best. That was the summer of last year. The picture on the right is me now, today, about 20 minutes ago. I used to weigh 185, which is exactly what I am supposed to weigh for my age and height. Now I weigh 215. Not really much over weight, just 30 pounds. Well, still a lot, but you get me. Its all located in my gut, breasteses, and my double chins. So, what happened?

Life happened. I went to the gym more than I went to church back then. I wasn’t the lifting weights type of person which is why I don’t look buff. The elliptical was my lover. I loved that hoe. I have week knees so the treadmill always killed me. Back to the subject, I used to go to the gym but then I stopped once my mom was going to get her reconstruction surgery after surviving breast cancer. A little before that I noticed I started eating more and more. Then when her surgery came through I stopped going completely.

She was out for a whole month. I took a month or so off work to take care of her. It took a toll on me, and honestly I got conformable with myself. I told myself that when she was all better I would go back to my regular routine and I would lose all the weight that I would have gained. That didn’t go as planned. I started this friendship with a girl from church and then it turned into something else. I was so stressed. My moms surgery, work, the girl, and other things were all on my back. I looked for help and comfort and I found it in hot greasy carne assada fries. (If you don’t know what that is, we need to hang out ASAP).

But today I woke up with hope. I woke up feeling some thing that I haven’t felt in a while. I need to take care of myself. I haven’t been. For the longest time I have been taking care of everyone else. I have been the person that they want me to be because I didn’t want to disappoint them. In reality, who are they? Who really are they? They made me feel terrible. Terrible enough that I couldn’t control what and how much I put in my mouth. Not intentionally, but I still let them.

Well that’s over. I’ts time I take back what is rightfully mine. My life. And I need to put this out there and on here to keep myself in check. If I never say it, I’ll never do it. I’ll check back at and see where my progress is at.

My life starts NOW.

The United States Healthcare System

The healthcare system in the United States is one piece of S***.


Before I start ranting, let me give you a little bit of a back story. Sunday night, I felt a little bit of back pain that I didn’t pay much attention to. On Monday morning I woke up with a more pain. It was a sore like pain. But only when I moved or twisted back and forth, I would feel a sharp pain in my upper back on only one side. If that didn’t make sense, it’s basically where I have my kidney at, that’s where.

I didn’t work Monday (because there was no work) so I rested the whole day in the hopes that the “soreness” would go away. I even put an Icy-Hot on it. Nothing happened. That’s when I knew things were a little more serious. Tuesday morning, I went to work but I was still feeling the pain as I was up and around. I did a half day and decided to go to the doctor after.

At the doctor I found out that my healthcare insurance had been suspended or inactive since last year in August (great). I still saw the doctor anyway and had to pay for the visit but I didn’t really care, I needed to know what was wrong with me.

Here’s where my rant will start. You are warned. Since, I do not have healthcare insurance, I can’t know my diagnosis. Once the doctor asked me all the normal questions and I did a urine test he concluded it could be one of two things. A kidney stone, or some type of muscle thing that I can’t really pronounce so I don’t remember it.

(Ok, this is where the rant actually starts). He asked me what I wanted to do. HE ASKED ME. After seeing that I didn’t have insurance he asked me what I wanted to do. I mean sure, he gets some compassionate points for caring about my financial status and being concerned on how I will be paying for things. But since when do you go to the doctors and get asked what you want them to do with you? Um fix me.

This is what he asked me; did I want to pay for an ultra sound to find out the root of the issue, or did I just want to rule it as the “muscle issue thing” and take some pills for it. The “muscle issue thing” would have been a cheaper option. But would it have been an actual correct diagnosis? NO. I just told him to put in the order for the ultra sound and I would figure out the insurance later.

It sucks that everything is so dam expensive that doctors are willing to misdiagnosis a person to help them out. Its insane. Pills too. He asked if I wanted pain pills. He even informed me that it would be cheaper to just get them over the counter. Gee thanks.

Well, I went to apply for some healthcare insurance and GUESS what they told me. When I asked how I could reactive it they told me that I had reapply. REAPPLY. The process would take 30 to 40 days to response. OH, ok, let me just pause the boulder that’s lodged in between my organs until I have healthcare. I told them that I needed it sooner and the girl LITERALLY said, “well, you should always make sure your information is up to date so things like this wont happen.” What the hell am I supposed to do with that piece of advice? She had a point but I wasn’t asking for her opinion.

So what now? I have no healthcare, I have no money because my job is crumbing to the ground, and I have this pain in my back that’s laughing at me. I don’t know what I have. WebMD is my best bet right now. According to them I have kidney stones. I just pray that its not a big deal because from what I heard, these little stones cause major pain.

And, (I just want to add before I’m done here), I don’t think I’ll even apply to healthcare right now. Why? They ask all these questions. Like who lives with you? How much they make? How much you make? All that BS. HELLO, excuse me, if I am applying for this its because I CAN’T pay for it myself bro. What do you care what the people I live with make? They aren’t going to pay for my medical bills. WTF. (That actually made me giggle, it sounds so stupid).

Then also, I most likely wont have a job in a couple of months. So if I am denied, I’ll have to do the whole process over again. It’s all a big mess I tell you. This is USA. Right? Wait let me check . . .  yes it is. I told my friend about it to blow off some steam. His response was, “guess we’re moving to Canada.”

 

 

Keto Diet

If you have been living under a rock just as I have, you have no clue what the keto diet is. I have only recently been informed that this is the new diet that is totes “in” right now. It’s trending and its only a matter of time before its more popular then being vegan. Everyone is on it.

But, what exactly is the keto diet? A keto or ketogenic diet is a very low-carb diet, which can help you burn fat more effectively. According to the internet. Don’t take anything I say literal because I am no doctor and I do not have one ounce of knowledge in my brain about being healthy, but I mean if its online its basically stone cold facts. Right?

If you are slow like me it will take you countless websites and about an hour of reading to finally catch on to what this trend in eating is actually about. But, here, let me simplify it for you. Basically…or allegedly, if you stop eating carbs, your body will burn fat. And as I read on some sites, your body burns fat faster than it burns carbs. So logically, because you know we are, not eating carbs your body will be FORCED to burn fat. Isn’t that just lovely? Sounds like a lie right? It might be but who knows.

On this diet you can not eat any carbs or sugars. I feel like I haven’t said that enough so I said it again. Only eat fats. “Healthy fats”. You can’t just think your going to go out and eat fried things and what not, no, calm down, sit down, I’m not finished. You have to eat like chicken and eggs and cheese and all that crap. No bread, tortilla, candy, and (god help us) NO FRIES. Oh and to make matters worse NO PIZZA. Ok I know I’m losing some of you on this diet right? I literary heard someone click off.

People are actually losing weight on this diet though. They are losing it drastically. Not like try it one day and be a Victoria secret model the next day fast, but still pretty fast. So the big question is should you do it? Should I do it? I don’t now. You can do what ever you want. Seems like its worked for some people. But at the same time I love food to much to be anal about what I can and can not eat, you know what I mean?

Look, I’ve tried being a vegan, vegetarian, and all that and nothing has ever helped me lose weight then me just eating healthy. A good balanced diet never hurt no one. Sure, cut some sugar out of your life and maybe put those fries down. Instead of five slices of pizza only eat three, you’ll thank me later. And most importantly, or not really but I just needed a good transition phrase, exercise.


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Game Plan

Ok, so I have a game plan (I think).

 

Yesterday I had what someone would call an epiphany. But what do I call it? I call it a wake up call from my stupidity. I am fat. Lets just get straight to the point here. Don’t sit there and tell me other wise, because you can’t see me, and honestly that’s a good thing. You should be grateful. You should pray to God or what ever you do and feel blessed you can’t see aaaall this.

Also, don’t come at me with the whole, you should love yourself just the way you are BS. Because, I do. I do love myself. That’s why I always buy myself food and please my taste buds like I do. Its not that I care what other people say either because I high key don’t anymore. But at the same time I don’t want to look like a fat pig either you know?

Ok, all physical appearances aside, lets talk about the health side of this. I get heartburn maybe about seven times a day. That’s not ok because it means I’m harboring battery acid in my stomach or something and it needs to stop. ASAP. I am buying about 30$ worth of anti acids a month and that money can be going to something else. Plus, I’m constantly weak. I get tired so fast, I have no endurance what so ever. I tried to pick up some cardboard today at work and I needed to sit down and meditate afterwards because I felt like I was about to get a hemorrhoid or pull a muscle.

So what am I going to do? Well, after researching and coming to the horrid conclusion that I can not afford any type of surgery, I have decided that I have to take this matter into my own hands. No, I will not be preforming surgery on myself, silly goose. I will be, ugh, dare I say it… “eating healthy and exercising.”

I know that the first step is the hardest. So, what I have made is a list. A list of things that I will not eat. I didn’t go all hardcore on it either or else I might go crazy and bite a live cow or something. I also told my self that I will be going walking every single day for two weeks straight. Just to see if I see a change. I REALLY WANT TO SEE A CHANGE. I’ll take it slow the first couple of days (because I am slow). And I will try my best to keep it up.

I live in So Cal (that’s California, us hipsters call it that ….hahah..ha). So technically it’s summer here already. Summer started the last time it rained. Its been an average of 75 degrees this whole week. Its only going to get hotter and I want to be able to show off my rockin’ hot bod. “But, Peter! You should feel comfortable in your own skin,” you said. You’re right. And I do, but I’m an attention whore not really but yeah and I want to be complimented, so there’s that.


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I Need To Start A Diet

There’s no way of saying this so I’m just going go out there and grab the bull by the horns and say it. I need to start a diet. I realized this today in the morning. I was thinking about all the time I spend editing my videos and I always get mad when I see my double chin. I mean c’mon it’s not a pleasant thing to see.

 

I know I’m no fat. Every single person that I tell that I need to lose weight always jumps straight to, “you’re not fat! You’re tall so you hide it well.” Um, ok? What does that even mean? Are all tall people supposed to be fat? Or not supposed to be? I’m not even trying to hide anything either. So if I was short then what would be the comment? Oh yeah you do have to lose weight, you’re short and it doesn’t look good on you. But since I’m a freaking giraffe, all is good in the world. Maybe I’m hiding my fat in my neck and people can’t notice my double chin because there on the ground and I’m (according to some people) a walking skyscraper. I’m not even that tall bro.

 

Thinking about eating right and exercising  gives me the chills. I have goosebumps on my arms right now just writing this. I hate eating healthy. I love my burgers and chips. Lets not even get into the candy because I will fight someone. And exercising? Well, its not too bad. I just never have time or don’t know where to go.

 

Last year I went to the gym and got addicted. I remember I did like it. Would I go back to the same one? I don’t think so. Am I going to find a new place? Maybe. I need something closer to home. Or maybe just buy some equipment at home and use it there. Not sure, but something has to change. This double chin that I have now has to evacuate up off my face.


 

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