I Understand That She Doesn’t Understand

It has been officially a little over a month since I left home (or was kicked out if you want to be cruel).

I don’t know where my emotions sit at the moment. I miss my mother. I haven’t seen her in the amount of time that I have been away from home. Every time I think about her and my brother I get super emotional. Part of me even wishes things would go back to the way they were.

Will that feeling ever go away? This wave of sadness that I get when I look back on my past and see my family in it, then look to the present and see that they are no longer there?

I know many people would tell me that it will go away, that it will get better and I will feel great about it. But what if I don’t want it to? I feel sort of guilty just thinking of the day I will look back and not feel a thing, or feel happy that I was kicked out. Why is that?

I have heard it all before, I’m so happy I was kicked out that’s how I found myself, my life didn’t really start until I was kicked out, or whatever. What a load of BS. I will never be happy that my mom is not talking to me, I will never be ok that she thinks the worst of me, I will never be ok with any of this.

I love my mother even though she may hate me at the moment. I understand that she doesn’t understand. That isn’t a valid reason to hate her like many people in my situation usually do.

As much as I’d like her to understand, she wont. I have accepted that, but just because I have, that doesn’t automatically remove the hurt.

Time Will Tell

It has been a long while since I have been on here. To tell you the truth its because nothing much has happened. How is your quarantine doing? I wish things would go back to normal already, I really miss going out, seeing my boyfriend, and just being able to be out in public. I know it sounds weird because I am not that much of a social person but I still miss it from time to time.

The other only news I have is that my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. This is a big step for us and honestly I would really like to. I know that with doing so it will bring upon us a lot of challenges, but he said hes down for it.

I really appreciate the fact that he really cares about me and loves me. I always thought that I would never find someone who would feel that way about me. It feels nice.

The only thing that worries me is my family. My mom mostly. She is going to be really against it. Specially because he is a man. Or maybe she wont care?

I know that with what is going on and everything her faith in God is stronger than ever, these times only prove what they preach to be right, the ends of times. Which in part is scary but on the other hand is kind of silly since there has been major pandemics in history before and the world kept spinning after.

How do I tell her? Hey mom, so I’m gay and I’m moving in with a man? Not the very most effective way but it gets the message across. Time will tell though.

Part of me feels like I’m betraying them, my family. Running off with a guy I met, leaving them behind to fend for themselves. I mean they need me, or do they? Do I just tell myself that to feel better? But at the same time isn’t that part of life? I mean I still want to be a part of my mothers life and help her out with what ever she may need, if only she would let me.

Time will tell.

Prayers For Bobby

We need to talk about this movie. If you haven’t seen it, it is a must watch.

Every time I see this movie I cry. I am so connected with the main character its honestly so scary.

I know that this whole ‘I’m gay and my mom would never understand’ thing is a reoccurring theme on my blog, but that’s my life. Your’e not in my shoes so you don’t get an opinion. Advice is welcomed though, positive thoughts, and good vibes as well. 

This movie really hits home for me. (I wont spoil it for you just in case you haven’t seen it, plus the trailer does a really good job of summing it all up, but you still need to see it). But its basically about a young boy who knows that he is gay and also knows that his mother will not understand or accept him because she believes that being gay is a sin.

Why? Because she is super religious. She is the rock of the family, if we are talking religious wise. She wants all her children to be with her in heaven along with her and her husband.

When Bobby (the main character) admits to his brother that he is gay, after trying to take his life by taking a bottle of pills, the very next day his brother tells his mother that his brother is ‘a homosexual’. She boldly answers, “He’s not.

It’s almost as if I see my mom in this woman. She would give her life for God. As the movie progresses she tries to cure Bobby of his Gayness. Mean while Bobby is doing his best to try to grasp on to his mothers love but also trying to learn to accept that he just can’t change.

Soon his cousin from out of town is introduced to the story and her acceptance of Bobby really makes him more comfortable in his skin. He soon moves in with her after fighting with his mom on last time.

They’re fight is one of the most emotional moments of the movie for me. If you watch it you will know why. If you are a mother you will cry, and maybe, well I hope, you will think that that woman is insane. If you agree with her, then dam you.

At this point, its just tears after tears for me. No dry eyes. I wont stop crying until the very end. Until the last credit is played.

To know what happens next you’ll have to see it for your self, I can’t really explain it without bursting into tears again.

Why did I watch this movie? I don’t really know. Maybe it was just the state I was in? Maybe I wanted to cry? Who knows. I love this movie with all my heart. Even though it hurts me every time. I relate to it so much, on so many levels. I see my life being played out on screen.

I think it also reminds me what I will have to go through with my mother when she finally knows that I am gay. I know how it will be. The only difference is that she actually tried to change him. Not that part, but she kept communication with her son. Even if it was only to try to change him.

My mother is taught that they should break any form of communication with people like me. And I know she would because she’s said it before. This movie hurts, but it helps. It will forever be in my heart and it will for ever help me move on with my life.

I’m really great full that I didn’t end up like Bobby. But I still have a whole mountain to climb and I really hope that I still don’t go down his path when my climb gets rocky and unsteady.

 

Bobby’s death was the direct result of his parents ignorance and fear of the word Gay.

Before you echo Amen, in your home and place of worship, think, think and remember, a child is listening.

 

Gray Areas

Is it possible for a man who has in the past and present presented himself and or classifies as gay to catch feelings for a female?

This question has been at the top of my head for over a month now. And even though I have been dating men for a while now and I do find them attractive and I classify myself as a gay man, I have built up feelings for one of my friends who is a female.

Long story short, I’m in a wedding this upcoming weekend and I will be dancing for the bride and groom. They partnered me with someone I’ve known only by face and namely my church. Obviously when you have someone so close to you and spend hours practicing you get to know them.

Not many people know this but my first love was actually a female. Also a childhood friend. I wanted to be with her, talk to her, hold her hand, hold her in my arms, and kiss her. But yet here I am classifying myself as a gay. My biggest question is what am I?

Here I am again, getting to know this wonderful girl, who has a huge heart and a beautiful smile. I talk to her everyday and it comes so naturally. All these years I walk around thinking I like guys and guys only. Then again I’ve been taught to grow up and marry a woman, so that also makes me overthink these feelings.

Do I like her because I was taught to? Or do I really like her? What do I classify as? Am I gay? Am I bisexual? One of my friends said I might be pansexual. Could that be so? Am I attracted to personality above the physical or gender? How can I be so sure that I am one thing and not the other?

Why do we even have to be labeled in these boxes? Why do we have to identify as anything? Why can we not just like what we like and not feel bad about it?

I know people have so many options over gender identification and sexuality. And I know they want it all to be black and white. But it’s not, it’s really not. There are so many gray areas. It’s not just you’re a guy you like girls or you’re girl you like guys or guys with guys and girls with girls, love is love is it not? Love sees no gender? Love is not about sex, it’s about who you love, who you want to spend your time with, and the rest of your life with.

He’s My Friend

More than a week ago I told my my best friend that I was gay. I don’t know what came over me that I finally decided to let him know. I told him that under no circumstance did I ever think about him in the way of liking him. Of course I only did this because I didn’t want him to leave. I needed him to stay. I didn’t need him to get scared and run away.

The thing is. He’s not my type. I don’t find him attractive at all, don’t get me wrong he cleans up well, but not interested that way. I’ve always seen him as a friend. I know his secrets, he knows mine. We are very close. But I’m very confused.

I don’t know where or when these feelings came from. Are they because we are that close of friends that I care for him that much? Or am I feeling something I’m not supposed to be feeling towards him? Knowing that those feelings will never be reciprocated? I don’t know.

All I want to do is hang out with him. Spend all my time laughing and talking, not actually doing anything. Just be there, by his side enjoying his company. And when I’m not there it hurts. When he’s with someone else maybe other friends I’m jealous. Why is that?

I wonder why they are more important people out there than me to take up his time like that. When he doesn’t reply fast enough I wonder what he’s doing? What is he thinking? I want to know everything he does during the day. What he feels what he thinks. Everything.

I’m crazy, I know. I started this. I opened Pandora’s box. I wanted to know all of his secrets and he wanted to know all of mine so we could have a “real friendship.” But now I feel like our secrets are killing each other. Like there is a distance. A space that’s filled with emptiness so thick it’s impossible to walk across.

We hung out last Monday. It was the first time we had been alone since when I had come out. It wasn’t brought up. Neither his secrets. And we had a good laugh but in the end we ended just bickering about dumb things that friends do. But this time it felt different. Like the words lingered and were heavy.

So I don’t know what to think. This is all hard and way more complicated than I thought it would be.

The Aftermath

I did it. I finally did it. I came out to my best friend and I thought it was going to be the hardest thing ever but it actually wasn’t. It’s was a little too easy I thought.

That’s not the thing that’s is bugging me though. It’s the aftermath. I thought this would bring as closer. But then again there was a possibility that it would drive us apart. And I feel that is what is happening.

I know it must be hard for him to understand or comprehend, and I should be understanding, it’s not everyday your best friend tells you he’s gay. But still I feel that there is a distance between us.

I over think things a lot. This might be one of the ultimate situations I have been overthinking lately. But who are we kidding? How can we possibly say that things were going to stay the same?

I know he choses what words to say. I know he’s careful in the way he speaks. We planned on hanging out the day after I told him and that day we didn’t end up doing anything because he had to go do “stuff”.

I thought to myself, does he not want to hang out? I also was thinking how needy I am. I need approval I need validation. Maybe he’s just tired of all that? Maybe he’s been drained and is to the point were he’s had enough but can’t find it in himself to cut me off.

I’m afraid that if I give us space eventually one of us will walk away. Will that happen regardless?

I sent him a Buzzfeed snapchat. On it was a list of things you like to do on your phone. It was all for fun. There was a question in there that he answer that bugged me. “Do you like texting rather then talking in person?” To which he said yes.

I swear I over thought that so much. Like, was he saying that he doesn’t want to hang out? Or in general with other people? But still how can someone like to text more that speak in person? And I the only one in this world who still sees the value in personal interaction.

I don’t know what to think anymore. No, that’s wrong because we all know I have so many more thoughts. But I’ll stop here for now.

Trust

I didn’t do it.

I was too scared. My whole life is in that email. To just give it away like that. It was just too much for me. I decided that I’ll put it somewhere safe and if he ever decides to want to read it I’ll hand it over.

But why am I just going to spill my soul when he won’t? I know there needs to be trust in friendships but this goes way deeper . It’s all my secrets . I don’t want to overwhelm him with everything if all he has to say is one little mistake he made.

This morning when I woke up I decided that in the notebook that we share, I’ll be writing things he doesn’t know about slowly building my way up to what I have to tell him. It’s not for him to tell me his secrets it’s just for him to see how much I trust him.

Connected Little Lies

Something happened between one of my friends and I. Yesterday we went to Six Flags yet again and it was such a good day. The ride home was the issue. He was upset that he didn’t win anything on the games that are sort of made up like carnival games. And he was holding on to that feeling the whole drive home.

 

I tried to cheer him up I really did, but nothing seemed to work. Some how we ended up in my kitchen talking about secrets. I told him I had a secret and he told me he had one too. The thing is that I don’t just have one. I have many, or really one big one that spreads out to many little one, they are all connected little lies.

 

He said he wouldn’t be able to tell me his because then I would look at him a different way. But now know he’s hiding something from me so big it bugs me even more. I want to know I do, but then at the same time I really don’t. And then there is the possibility that what ever he is withholding isn’t that huge. Maybe its only in his head?

 

My secret of course is that I’m gay. What is his? How could his be any worse than mine? He said that if I guessed and guessed right he would explain in further detail but if i didn’t then we would just have to move one. But how do you move on from something like this? Nonetheless, how do you try to guess someones secret? It is a secret that’s why you don’t know.

 

I made up my mind that i would just tell him and have him decide what he wants to do. Tell me his secret or what ever he wants to do. I wrote an email to my first and only girlfriend when we broke up telling her why we did, and it did break her heart a little more but she was happy that I had told her.

 

Now in this situation I don’t want to lose my best friend. I don’t want to see him distance himself from me. Too many people have done that to me and to have one more do that? I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Plus this email that I have has some information I have never spoken out loud to anyone. He could drown me with this information. Will he? What do I do? Do I finally come out? Do I finally tell him all the truth? What will he say? What will he do? Will we still be friends in the end?

My Filthy Ungodly Homosexual Life

This past weekend my uncle and aunt came to visit. They don’t live close so every chance they get when they pass by or are in town they come to visit. They live about two hours away. There’s something that bugs me though every time they come.

They are very religious and he is an Elder. (Which is like a big deal in the church world). We are technically in the same religion as they are but I haven’t came out yet. Though on the side in secret I live my filthy, ungodly, homosexual life. They don’t know that. You could say that it’s kind of like two life’s kind of thing but don’t judge me because you’re not in my shoes and it’s easier to point fingers.

Anyway, this happens every time but this time it was more than usual. God hates fags. Well, that’s not what they actually said but that was the message they relayed or at least what I understood.

I don’t know how it started but someone commented on how Satan (the devil don’t know if you know him but he lives underground apparently tormenting gay souls) is trying to bring everyone to “the dark side” and how we have to be more careful then ever in these times of oversexual lust days.

Then they said how (in their tiny tiny town) some young teen left the religion because of his degrading and unnatural ways. (In other words he was gay y’all). He was expelled from church and asked never to return until he changed his ways. Seeing as it’s a small town the news was huge.

Of course everyone in the church was like yeah that’s what you get for sipping from the cup of the devil. And everyone else in town was praising the guy for coming out and finding him self . Having the courage to stand up for him self and leave!

That’s why they were upset. Not that he was gay after all. No, it was the fact that he was praised for leaving. I remember my aunt saying, “now if you come out you’re a hero. You’re applauded. It’s not like it used to be.” But, the way she said it. She sounded as her world had fallen apart. As if a part of her soul was being ripped from her. As if all humanity had just come to an end.

But what do they know?

Do they know how it’s like to grow up different? Do they know what it’s like to have feelings you’ve been told since you were five are wrong? Do they know what it’s like sitting through thousands of speeches and hearing God will never love you? Do they know how it feels when you’re being condemned for something you didn’t chose? Do they know how hard it is lying everyday that you are someone you’re not? Do they know how hard it is to struggle with something like this out side of the home and still come home to the same thing? Do they know how much strength it takes every single day to not give up? Do they?

No, they don’t.