Thank You, Next

I did it.

I finally had true courage to end this relationship. I’m not sure if it even was a relationship. What ever it was, it’s over.

How do I feel? A little better. But I’m not going to lie here, I do feel a little upset. Some what sad even. I really wanted this to work and I honestly thought it was going to work. We were going to be the best power couple of 2019. But no, it failed. It ended. It’s over.

It’s all her dads fault. Let’s not sugar coat the truth. He got in the way and we let him. He never let her go out, too over protective. What was I going to do or her? I believe myself to be one of the most respectful people I know. I have morals, I have common sense. But sometimes that’s not enough is it?

She cried. Her beautiful cry. Sweet tears dripping down her tan face. Her eyes staring at me in disbelief of what I was saying. I felt terrible. Why would I hurt her like that? What do I hurt people like that? I almost didn’t do it. I almost stopped myself and told me that we could work it out. We could change and make it better . But then I remember how I feel when she can never go out, when I can’t talk to her, all because of her parents.

In the end we shook hands. Like a smooth business deal. Like a deal we made, something that we came to terms with each other. Just like that.

So what’s next? Who’s next?

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Whatever This Thing Is

Let’s talk about my relationship.

Or better said, let me tell you how awful what ever this thing I have with this one girl is. Is it a relationship? She’s grown but her parents don’t let her do anything. Religion involved? Nope, none. Religion has nothing to do with it. Her dad is just something that I can’t put in words.

We were going to hang out this weekend after not hanging out or spending time with each other after maybe almost a month. She told her father a week before and then he decides to make a BBQ on and at the same time we were going to go out.

God I hate him. I don’t like him. At all. Can you tell? I don’t want to deal with him, I didn’t. So I didn’t go. Now my girlfriend is all sad and what not because of it. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything involving her anymore.

I just want this to end. I want it over. This relationship has only hurt me more than anything else. More then make me happy. I’ve cried buckets, I’ve been in agony. All this leading to a point of feeling absolutely nothing.

If the situation was different. If her dad wasn’t such an A hole. If she has more liberty. Maybe if she even showed a little more interest in me. But no. This has to end before it ends me.

Love, Affection, And Attention

I had a talk with my girlfriend just some hours ago about her showing more affection in our relationship. I’m not pushing her to do anything physical, all I’m asking is for her to tell me how she feels. I want to know if she’s happy or sad or mad or something, anything! Just tell me how you feel!

I’ve mentioned before on how I feel as if I’m dating a rock. And it does honestly make me feel that way. Sure, when we were friends it was fun and I really enjoyed being around her but now that we are in a relationship it’s different, or at least for me it should have been. I thought things would change but I still feel as if I’m just a simple little old friend.

But thanks to her I see what I want in a relationship. I want love, affection, and attention. I want someone who will make me a priority just as I have to them. Someone who wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. I want a connection, I want chemistry. And what I have now is not that.

I told her I don’t want to continue on like this but when she started to cry I caved in and agree to try a little more. And I honestly will. Maybe she does need time, or maybe she needs something else? I’m not sure but I know what I want and she doesn’t.

I’m giving her a month to see what happens. I don’t expect things to change but in the course of our conversation she pretty much explained to me how she doesn’t see herself changing and she really doesn’t need cheesy acts of love in her life and she’s fine with me not doing those things. The problem is I want to do those things and I want those feelings reciprocated like just about anyone else.

Putting it in my head that this isn’t gonna work out will help me leave her for sure this time. And also distancing myself from her little by little bit at the same time being super nice, this will help us heal better and maybe it will be good to just go back to being friends.

My best friend doesn’t want me to end it. He says it can work out, but can it? I don’t know. We have very different view points in many things and as much as I’ve tried to get this going I always seem to have a problem with something. So maybe it’s me? But I won’t use that excuse because I’m always the one compromising.

Anyway those are my thoughts for right now. Of course they can change because usually they do, can’t help but be myself.

Jealousy

When I was young, and my mother told me I would be having a little brother, I was very excited. I had been an only child for six years and even though I had a very creative imagination I still felt having someone around would be fun. But it wasn’t till my brother was born when things started to changed.

I felt as if the attention had gone to him. Which technically speaking it had. He was a baby after all and they do require more time to be spent with them. That didn’t stop my little kid brain to think I was being replaced. I felt an immense sense of jealousy. Not only because my parents focused their time and attention to my brother but other people too, family members or friends, they all wanted to see the baby. Maybe they should have taken my feelings in consideration, or maybe I was out of line.

Last year, a similar thing happened to me. Me and my best friend had a great friendship. We talked about everything, we joked and laughed and we’re open just about anything. It was a friendship like no other. We were really close. What happened? My jealousy. I would get upset if he would go out with other friends. I would get mad when he wouldn’t be able to hang out. I would get frustrated every time he would be doing something instead of just doing random things with me.

That jealousy drove us slowly away. My mistrust and jealousy and his annoyance towards me drove a wedge between us. It wasn’t till the end of last year when we finally made up.

Now that I have been in a relationship for a couple of months I see it again. I have an issues with jealousy. Or do I? My girlfriend has a male friend that she swears she sees him as her “little brother”. The way I feel towards him has became more than jealousy. Almost hate. I’ve never felt such a huge feeling of dislike for a person like this before.

They have many things in common. More then her and I. He always wants to be around her, saying how much of a good friend she is. He tries his best to make her laugh, and usually succeeds. So am I jealous? Yes. Do I have the right to be? Most people would say yes and then the other half would say no. I think I do. How would you feel if your significant other was laughing and having a great time without you with someone else the same sex as you?

“I trust my significant other”, “and they come home to me.” Yes I’ve heard it all before. Sure you can trust as much as you want but no one is perfect. Of course they go home to you because they live there and they have to , but after they’ve done what? And been where? I can see a hint of trust issues here as well.

I’m really scared of getting hurt again. This time it’s different. This time I actually want this. In all my past relationships even though I liked them and enjoyed them I always knew they would end and it didn’t bother me. Now, I don’t want it to end, I want it to last.

9.8.18

Yesterday was the day.

The day I realized something. Standing on stage next to a beautiful young woman, listening to the wedding ceremony, and feeling all the feels, I want to get married.

Ever since my parents divorced when I was younger I started to believe strongly that marriage was just a load of BS. The thought of me getting married was just not in the picture.

I already knew I didn’t want kids. So not getting married would help in a way. Plus I was never in a good place to get married. I’m the soul provider of my family.

But then I thought. Isn’t that what a father or husband does? And then I met this girl. I knew about her. I always saw her once in a while at church and gatherings. But I never talked to her the way I have been talking to her.

We were paired up to dance at a wedding for the bride and the groom. Her soul is pure. Her smile is perfect. And her laugh is magic.

I knew I liked being around her about a week ago. I liked conversing with her and spending time with her. But it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized, I like her.

During the ceremony I began putting myself in the shoes of the groom, and who was there beside me? She was. Her beautiful eyes glowing with tears of happiness and joy.

Later that night when we were dancing, another one of our friends asked her out to dance. She asked me if I was cool with it, of course I said yes. Because we’re just friends right? But deep down inside I was in pain. Jealousy struck me like lightning, and all I could think about was why isn’t she dancing with me?

I wanted her there with me. I wanted to feel her body move with mine. I wanted to hear her voice in my ear. I wanted her presence. I wanted to make and hear her laugh. I wanted her.

And I still do.