Is That Guy You Have Been Talking to Gay?

I’m coming out to my mom today.

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This past weekend was the first weekend I got to spend time with my boyfriend since the whole quarantine situation started. I have been Face Timing with him ever since, so it was really nice when I finally was able to see him again after so long.

My mom never asked me any questions regarding him, she has seen me face time him before. But I was sure that she had questions on her mind. It wasn’t until this past Saturday that she finally let me know what was on her mind.

I got my bag ready for the weekend, as I do when I head out to see my boyfriend. I put my things in my car, as I was about to leave she asked me, “is that guy you have been talking to gay?” Notice how she didn’t ask if I was gay, because in her mind I can’t possibly be. So then this other person must be gay, and therefore is the person that is trying to make me turn to his ways.

I didn’t want to ruin my weekend, plus I wasn’t ready for this conversation at the moment, so I told her that we would talk about it when I would come back.

Over the weekend I got a bunch of text messages from her saying how she didn’t raise me to be that way, how she hopes I’m not what she thinks I am, and how she doesn’t know who I am anymore. I didn’t reply to any of them. There is no reason in fighting or trying to make her understand, its just a ‘it is what it is’ situation.

I went home Sunday night but she was asleep already so I didn’t get to see her. Today I woke up and got ready for work and left before she had awaken. I know she will be waiting for me when I get home this afternoon. And she’ll ask me the same question. “Is that guy you have been talking to gay?”

And I will say,

“Yes, yes he is, and so am I.”

 

I’m Just Saying

It’s Valentine’s Day. (Sigh) I know, I know, if you’re single you could care less, or maybe you’re with someone and don’t care about it at all. Or maybe you’re like me and have a mixed feeling about it. What ever your mentality may be about it, it’s here, you like it or not.

There has been a lot of hate towards this day, and I’ve seen a lot of it. Not necessarily from single people but from people who are “above us all” and think they have won at life or something (I don’t really know, they’re entitled, ask them).

Yes, it’s over commercialized, and yes, it shouldn’t be the only day you profess your love to your significant other. But doesn’t every other holiday do that?

If you feel that Valentine’s Day is another day for companies to make money, don’t you feel the same way about Christmas? Thanksgiving? Halloween? No? But I bet your ass still goes out and buys a tree, you still go out and treat or treat. You still invite family over and eat a big fat bird. So I’m sitting here asking you, why you hating on V day bruh? (Maybe you just need a hug?)

Can’t you give presents out any other time of the year? Why does it have to be Christmas? You can’t give thanks unless you’re sitting across from that one aunt that judges all of your life decisions? You can’t be “spooky” or watch a scary movie unless it’s The Witching Hour of October?

I’m just saying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . You don’t have to celebrate anything if you’re complaining that it’s just another ploy for companies to make money off of you. Either way they still do, just on different holidays, didn’t think about that did you? 😌

Now, this is all coming from someone who all his life couldn’t even celebrate the sun coming up in the morning because only ‘god’ deserved the glory (cults… they’re fun), so you might understand why I appreciate almost every holiday there is out there. Because at one point in my life I couldn’t.

Even when I was single I would sit hours day dreaming about the day that I could have a valentine. Never in those wildest dreams did I ever think it would come to reality.

So you’ll have to excuuuuse me as I gather my chocolates and flowers that I bought at an unreasonably amount and go enjoy this day with my Boyfriend.

Cheesy And Corny

Valentines Day is a week away.

I know, I’m sorry if you are single, trust me I feel you. Even though I am in a relationship I might as well be single for this holiday. It sounds bad, and to be honest I should just give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. I mean we have never spent a romantic holiday like this together, its our first, so how would I even know that its going to be any less romantic than what I have already planned in my head? I must be a bad boyfriend.

Well, my boyfriend isn’t really the most romantic person. I on the other hand, oof, I have all these things planned for him already. I am actually starting tomorrow. Valentines falls on the day right after our four month anniversary. (Yes, I am one of those. I say ‘I’ because he just follows along with me just to make me happy but he could care less about those things if I wouldn’t care, aka bug him about it).

Anyways, since those two days are so close together I thought I would get him something cute a week early. He is really into Drag, (which is one of the many things that annoy me about him, but this is not the time or place), so I decided to buy him a vinyl figure of his favorite Drag Queen that just recently was released. I was lucky enough to get the very last one available.

AdorePopI plan to gift wrap it and give it to him as a pre-anniversary/Valentines Day gift. I know he’s going to freak out and love it. He is always saying catch phrases from the show (ugh) and will always make references, (you know at times its actually cute).

LoveCardThen the very day of Valentines (which he took off just to spend together, which was super sweet of him, didn’t see it coming at all) I am going to give him the first love card? Is that what they are called? Those greeting cards, but Valentines version. Of course I will add my own pizzazz on it when I give it to him.

HisOneHisOnlyI have a total of three to give him thorough out the day. I also have some key chains that say “his only” and “his one” and candy in heart shaped boxes. They are so cute! To top it all off I bought this light that is almost similar to a neon light, but it says “I love you” and it also changes color.

ILoveYouLightGoooooodness, I am so excited to see his expressions! This is my first Valentines that I am spending with someone other than myself this year, so you bet your little red heart that I am going all out. When I was single I would always picture myself with someone celebrating this day. I know that its sappy, and cheesy, but I LIVE for this stuff. You should see the inside of my imagination, nothing but a pink and red haze, with unicorns farting rainbows and barfing up puffy cute little heart shaped clouds.

RomanticUnicornsUnfortunately, nothing that I have ever dreamed of has gone according to my architectural imagination. So I have to brace myself for what ever it is that my boyfriend gets me. I know that its not what he gets me, he still loves me, I just think its cute. And it makes me appreciate him more, I mean isn’t it so cute to think that a person was out in the world looking for something to give to you, thinking of you, thinking of all the things that might put a smile on your face?

No? Just me? Uh ok.

I’m Searching For Something That I Can’t Reach

I am very romantic. I am border line cheesy and corny. Hey, I’m a nice guy. I love, love. And I understand that there are people out there that could care less about getting roses, about getting called sweet things, and would gag and barf at the sight of heart shaped balloons and chocolates, but not me. I want those things, I would kill for those things.

Valentines is around the corner and this will be the very first Valentines Day in my entire life when I actually have a significant other to share it with. I was never that person that hated the holiday because I was alone and single. When that time came around sure I would get sad but I would never get bitter. I would just sit back and think of all the romantic things I could be doing with a boyfriend. All the sweet cheesy corny things we could get each other. From little love notes on cards to big giant teddy bears. Its not just that day either, I think about being sweet all the time, that’s just how my brain works.

Now that I am in a relationship you think that this year will be different. But I don’t think it will. (I hate talking about this, it feels like I’m hating on him, so sorry my love if you ever get a chance to read this). My boyfriend is not romantic. He wouldn’t know what romance was if it hit him with a truck, stopped, backed up, and ran him over again.

I may be exaggerating but its true. Its not like I haven’t talked to him about it, we have. But it only got better for the shortest time. This relationship has become really hard form me because of that reason. Don’t get me wrong I love him to death, with all my heart, I just wish he was a little more romantic.

This isn’t something new to me. I have always been a hopeless romantic. That rose colored haze that couples in romance movies live in is what I have always craved. And its not just in movies. I see it every where I go. Romance. People doing these cheesy romantic things for their significant others just for the fun of it, its not even to prove anything its just because its cute and they want to do it.

He is only romantic when I remind him to be. Only when I send him cute little quotes will he send some back around the same time. But if I don’t, it will be weeks before he sends one of his own. And if I just keep reminding him its like I am dating myself because I am telling him to be romantic, so in the end I am making him do it when I want it to come from his heart because he loves me.

It sounds like I am complaining, because I am and I have the right to. I just wonder if this is how its going to be all the time. Am I always going to have to beg for romance? Will I always feel this way? I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be caught off guard with a cute little gift. I want to cry happy emotional tears of joy. I do a lot of title romantic shit, I would just like it to be reciprocated.

I sometimes do a full circle and blame myself. I am needy, I tell myself. Maybe I am just asking for way too much? I should just be happy with what I have right? I should just feel content? Why can’t I just feel satisfied?

I feel that “I’m searching for something that I can’t reach.” (Halsey).

Needy.

So I was melodramatically sitting in my boyfriends bathroom this weekend, because if there’s something I know how to do well, that’s complicate things. I was all up in my feelings, like I usually am. I am not the best at talking about my feelings, even though I thought I have always been in tune with them, but I guess this whole relationship is teaching me new things about myself.

I am very emotional, sentimental, and sometimes way to clingy. I am needy, lets put it that way. My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I call myself needy. He tells me that I “need a lot of love”. But, at the same times that’s still being needy.

I asked if our relationship would always be this way. Me having to beg to be held, or kissed, or even remind him that I want him to be romantic. I don’t want a friend, I want a boyfriend. Of course, in order to be a boyfriend you first have to be their friend, but we are past that level. We are beyond that bridge.

I want romance, I want to see the world in a light red color haze, I want Love.

He already knows me well enough to know when something is up. So we talked about it. After he asked what was wrong with me. He cried, I cried. It was a hot mess. But at the end of the day it did need to happen. And I wont lie, it felt really nice to see how much he cared that I wasn’t being myself. I understand that there will be times when not everything is butterflies and rainbows, but when its in my hands and I can control it, I want it to be butterflies and rainbows, even fucking unicorns and all that shit.

He’s becoming my everything. I can’t afford to lose him, but I can’t afford to lose myself either just when I’m beginning to know who I am. I am growing as a person and I am also growing in this relationship. And I want to grow along with him.

It’s sad I don’t get to see him for five days. The days that we had were amazing though, and I cherish every moment.

I Didn’t Say It Back

When is it a proper time to say the three magic words in a relationship? Maybe there isn’t a time frame when you should say it? Maybe you should say it when you feel it. But, how will you know if it is what it is? Am I making any sense?

This past weekend I went with my boyfriend to one of his friends house for a little get together. It was fun and I had a good time, I had my moments of anxiety when I really didn’t want to be there, which I probably should have told him, but I didn’t. I learned my lesson though.

Let me get to the point. He got drunk, I was as sober. We were alone outside at one point where he said he really didn’t want to lose me. It was honestly really cute, of course I don’t want to lose him either. I really like this guy, he’s starting to become everything to me.

I was concerned that maybe he wouldn’t remember what we had talked about, since he was drunk. He caught me by surprise when he said the three words.

I thought I was going to be the one to say it first. I thought I was the more emotional one. I know I am. I know that I am the more sentimental one, I am the more romantic one. But I didn’t say it back.

I thought maybe it was that he was drunk, it had to be the alcohol talking, right? Hours passed by and he sobered up, we went to jack in the box to get some food before we went home. I was the only one actually sober sober so I drove everyone home.

He was sober by the time we got home so I asked him if he remembered everything we talked about that night. He said he did. So me, being me, I asked him again if he remembered, everything everything? He looked at me and said yes, and he said it again, and then said that he said it because he meant it. I still didn’t say it back.

Does that make me a bad person? I know that I have strong feelings for him, I do. I don’t think I have felt like this for anyone before, but I want to be really sure, I don’t just want to say it because he said it. I want to say it because I feel it. I know I feel something. I know.

He told me I didn’t have to say it. He said it was ok, he probably said that because I started tearing up. Am I scared to say it? It is a possibility. I really wanted to though, but I wasn’t ready, it wasn’t the time, and I didn’t want him thinking that I said it just because he had. I want to say it because I feel it and I want him to know.

I haven’t said it to anyone before. This is new to me, its scary ok? Plus he said that he didn’t say it in his last relationship until four months in, and yes, I know its not the same thing because hes dating me now but still that’s my brain for you.

I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want this to end, I know that it wont if we don’t let it. He is possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Every day we talk, every time we see each other, every time I think of him, I keep falling for him more and more.

Maybe I am…in love.

One Month

I am super cheesy, so beware, if you are lactose intolerant, you might want to turn away.

Today marks exactly one month that my boyfriend and I have been officially Boyfriends. We have been dating for about two months and have known each other for 3 months, if you want to get technical.

So what did I do? Well despite people or society saying its too soon to be celebrating time together or in the risk of being too sappy, I got him some gifts. I don’t care if it is too soon or not, this is what I feel and I want to show it while I feel it, not when everyone thinks its a good time in MY relationship to do so.

I went to my local flower shop to buy some roses. I went to the dollar store to get some heart shaped balloons, the first dollar store I went to didn’t have any heart shaped balloons, which are the ones I wanted. I headed to a different one and they told me that they were almost out of helium, but by a stroke of luck, they had enough to give me just the amount of balloons I needed. Then I went to the store to buy some heart shaped and cheesy stickers along with some of his favorite candy.

When I came home I placed as much stickers as I could on the wrapping that surrounded the roses. (It was mainly hearts). Then I put a bow on the candy, also more stickers, and then I decorated the letter that I wrote him inside of a sweet little greeting card. (Picture below).

Today I surprised him before he left for work. I was so nervous for some reason. Shakey with hands sweaty. Who was I? I hadn’t seen that me before. I was so happy to see him, to see the look on his face, it was truly priceless. He loved everything.

I know that our relationship is new and in some way it is super fragile, but this beginning stage is so nice. Don’t get me wrong there are times we have our serious talks, its not all roses and candy. We know what we want, we understand each other, and we are very communicative.

I can see a future with him. I can see us growing together. This can’t be wrong, this feeling I have, this fantasy that I have created in my head. I like him so much, I know he likes me too. This can be so great.

I hope that our one month anniversary soon turns into years.

 

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Breaking News

It’s official, I have a boyfriend.

I know to you this may not be a big deal. I know that this may come off as something that’s super irrelevant and there are other things that are going on in the world that are far more interesting. Yes, that’s true.

But in my bubble. In the small world in my head. It’s breaking news. It’s a top major national story, making headlines and dropping jaws from coast to coast.

Everyone’s talking about it. Everyone wants to know the details. But I hold back, because it’s all mine. He’s mine. All mine. At least in my head. In my little world. And I’m all his.


I know I’ve said it before but my weekends are full of butterflies and rainbows. That’s the only way I can describe it. Excuse me if that sounds like a fantasy to you but it is what it is and I love it. Almost seems fake, almost seems unreal. But seeing everything I’ve been through (and at the risk of sounding selfish) I deserve this. I deserve this love.

I think I’ve found it.

If Its Not Love, Then Its Witchcraft

I’m having a bit of a writers block at the moment so excuse my recent absent these couple of weeks. I have been writing less and less. And by that I actually mean that nothing in my life is really happening, all except me falling in love, and I feel like writing about that is like shoving my love life down your throat and I’m not sure people want to read about all the lovely-dovey stuff that goes on for me. I could be wrong though.

BUT, seeing as this is my blog and I talk about heartbreak most of the time and I used to complain about love all the time in the past, I think its time I write about how good love has been treating me lately and how I think that I am actually starting to fall into it.

A little back story: The guy that I have been dating used to go to the same gym that I went to a little over a year ago. We didn’t interact until I was drunk dancing in a club one night and he was brave enough to ask me if I was that same guy from the gym.  After I answered ‘yeswith my lips on his we started talking for about a month after that. (This was last year when I was going through the whole “religion is my life” crisis). I stopped talking to him after that. A whole year later I find him on tinder and we reconnect.

 

Now, every single date that I go on with him is so great. It doesn’t even have to be special, it’s still so nice to see him. I enjoy spending time with him. We go together so well. The attraction is stronger than I ever felt it before with anyone.

During the beginning he told me he wanted to take things slow. I thought that was a  great idea. He said he didn’t want to ruin this by going too fast and pushing things. Isn’t that so sweet? Melts my heart every time I remember when he said that. At least for me it gives me the idea that he wants this to last, (which he does).

Sometimes he says things I’m already thinking, or he’ll say things that I want/need him to say and its like he’s in my brain. If its not love then its witchcraft, I swear. I want to say he understands me most of the time, if not all the time. And, when he is stuck on saying something I just look at him and I know what he’s saying. Why does it feel like I’ve known him longer than I have? Makes me want to believe in reincarnation. (Reincarnated lovers? Is that a thing?).

I know its too soon to be saying he’s “the one“. Because nothing in this life is for sure. Nothing is secure and anything can happen. But I feel so good about him. I feel happy, safe, loved, full of something in my belly that makes me warm all over. I think of him and I smile. I hear my phone go off and I run to it. He texts me something that is not even remotely funny and I cackle like Angelina Jolie in the Maleficent Movie trailer. 

We have talked about our dating expectations (because we are mature adults, thank you very much). We have talked about our pasts. We have talked about the most randomest things anyone could everrrrr.

I ask myself, could this be the beginning of something? I mean it is. I just don’t want it to have an ending. I want to take care of this relationship like a little baby. Protect it, feed it, nourish it, care for it, love it, and help it grow up into something beautiful.

My weekends are full of joy, because that’s when I get to see him. We spend almost all of it together. We laugh, we talk, we smile that dumb smile at each other like lovers do. My cheeks hurt by the end of the day after I am with him from smiling so much.

His friends love me, which is a huge plus. I still need to introduce him to my friends but I’m sure they’ll like him just as much as I do.

Was this destiny? Faith?

Who ever it was, thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Falling

How was your weekend? I hope it was great, and if it wasn’t I hope the next one is better.

This weekend I spent it with the guy I’m currently talking to. I decided to focus on him and only talk to him. We aren’t anything yet, just dating and talking to try to see where this goes. I don’t know if he’s talking to anyone else, but I have a strong feeling he’s not. I deleted all my dating apps last week. I only had them for about ten days.

I can only see him on weekends since he works during the week and he works a late shift, which kind of sucks but I get it. He asked if I wanted to got to a friends birthday party. I thought this was really soon to start meeting his friends and some of his family. But I decided to go, I really like him and I wanted to spend time with him.

The party was great, his friends were super nice and down to earth. One of his sisters that I met was also super nice. I loved every minute of it. I had a great time and the party was hella fun. I was super nervous to go at the beginning but I’m so glad I put myself out there instead of backing out like I always do.

Yesterday (Sunday), we went to Santa Monica. We walked the pier and then sat at the edge on a bench and talked while the sun came down. It was so relaxing and time seemed to stop. It felt like the world around us was moving at fast pace and we were just there in the moment. I know it sounds like the total opposite of each other but that’s how I felt about it.

Then we walked the shore for a bit and sat down and talked some more. We talked about our past and what we want for our future. He said he wants to take it slow with us because he doesn’t want to screw this up. I swear my  heart melted when he said this. He told me that he really likes me, I told him that too.

It’s nice to finally find some one who wants the same thing I want. To have all the things in common that we do, and the things that we don’t, and still get along. The vibe that we have is amazing, we can talk for hours, sure we are just getting to know each other but there’s nothing like good chemistry.

I’m scared now, scared of losing him. Scared of falling for him and then him leaving. Scared of starting something that I think I have been waiting for for so long and then it being carried away by the wind. Will this be the beginning to the ending I’ve always wanted? Is this actually something that can blossom into something beautiful?

He’s going on a weekend trip to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks with his best friend, he sounded super excited when he was telling me about it. I was surprised when he asked if I wanted to go with them. Of course my answer was yes.

I’m happy. I like the place that I am emotionally, physically, and mentally.in right now. I wish and hope it stays that way.