I’m Not Going Back To Church

Yesterday I had the worst head ache I think known to man. I was thinking about so many things. Work, love, life, friends, and religion.

Let us start with religion. My life has always revolved around it. Every single thing I would do I had to think if it was appropriate for me to do and if it would make others mad or upset them. (Others as in the people in my religion). I never actually asked my self if God would be mad, isn’t that funny?

With that being said, I have been living that way for way too long. I didn’t know I was walking on this path that I am now, but as I look at the months that have passed I see how I took the right turns to get to where I am.

Let me explain. I am not happy. Why? Religion. I liked some parts of it. But others I couldn’t. I am in a religion that does not and will not just only take half of you or part of you. I remember someone at church saying, “your either fully committed here or your on the out side and you’re on of our enemies.”

That’s a great thing to say to someone who’s confused right? I have been messed up so bad because of it. All this time I have lost because I was someone I didn’t want to be to please others. Just because I say that doesn’t mean I regret it. No, I love my mom and I am happy I gave her a little of what she wanted me to be. I don’t care what anyone says.

But the time is now. I’m not sure if its the time, my supportive friends, the new guy I’m talking to, the church using me, Taylor’s new song (have you heard?), or something else. It’s time to make ME happy.

As you all have known, Jehovah Witness are known to go knocking on peoples doors almost every day. Yes, I was one of them. I stopped doing that back in March. It took courage to stop, believe me. Its not something you can just stop doing, no. You will get harassed by the ‘Elders’ of the congregation, or even other members. You will get calls, text messages. They will go to your home and read you bible texts and give you reasons on why you need to do as they say you have to. If you tell them you’re not home or they can’t reach you, they will hunt you down at church and ask you to stay so they can “give you advice” but its only them just criticizing you for not doing what they expect from you. So yes, it was hard.

Nonetheless, I stopped going and after taking the harassment they laid off for a bit. I still went to church twice a week like I have always done. Out of respect for my mom. There is something I believe in, but I’m not sure if I have found it yet.

That was step one. Step two was to dissociate with my church friends. Do I miss them? Sure, from time to time, they are humans after all and we did have history and good times together. But I have just recently learned that I can not be friends with someone who will not take me as I am, I’m done changing for people. I am myself. At first they were worried, I understand. But now? Where are the worried texts and the missed calls? Have they just forgotten so easily? I hope that is the case.

The step that I am now on is not going to church at all. That’s right. I’m not going to go anymore. Why should I? I don’t have a good time there, no one talks to me. As soon as its over I get up and leave as fast as I can. You tell me if that’s what church is supposed to be like, and if it is by all means, you go.



 

I’m going to side tract now. I was talking to a friend yesterday about coming out. I know it will not be easy for me. I have this unusual great amount of love and respect for my mother. I know that she will always love me, I am her son after all. So why have I not yet came out?

Many reasons. I wont hold back I’ll tell you. One of them is knowing that my mom will never speak to me again. Not because she doesn’t want to, I know she loves me. But all Jehovah Witnesses are taught that when a person is no longer part of the ‘organization’ you have to go out of your way to not speak to them, you have to shun them out of your life completely as they do not exist anymore. If you are ever caught having communication with them you will be talked to and if done again, you will end up with the same type of treatment. And this is and I quote “to keep peace and cleanliness in the congregation. ”

I remember when I was little and one of my cousins got pregnant at the age of 16. Her family is also in the religion. She was kicked out of her own house and told to never come back for having sexual relations before marriage. No one was allowed to speak to her, she was only let back into everyone’s life when she spoke to the elders and told them that she regretted it all from the bottom of her heart.

The reason they do this is because their philosophy is that you will come back to the church after you realize you can’t live without your family in your life. It’s a total mind fuck. Manipulative to a whole new level. I know. Why do you think I an such a mess?

This story brings me to my other reason. The being kicked out. Where would I go? And now that I am soon to be unemployed? Who wants a damaged, poor, messed up 25 year old? If you know anyone who does let me know.

I know I have friends that will help me with what they can , but I don’t want to test a friendship like that.

The last reason is that I only have a work permit to be in this country.  I have been here since I was 2 years old. Did I chose to come here? No. I do not know any where else other than here. I don’t know why that is even a concern on this subject but it is. What will I do the day the government decides that they don’t want to keep renewing it ? What will be of me?

As the days go by, it is getting easier to breathe though. I am scared. I am terrified. But at least I am smiling for myself now, and not for others.

If You Want To Jump, I’ll Jump With You

I am a free, walking, on the go psychiatrist. There is no need to give me money or even ask for a way to compensate me because I am free.

 

That’s what people think. First of all, I am no where near a psychiatrist. Second, I don’t have no knowledge what so ever regarding anything basically. And third, my life is already screwed up as it is to be dealing with other peoples baggage or crap.

 

But what do people do? Well, they still go ahead and pull up a chair and willingly spill out all their demons for me to hear. Ok, maybe its my fault. I am really nice, and I have been told I am a great listener. Which is very true. I like listening to people, But I also like to communicate with them as well. Like a game of catch you know? You throw the ball back and forth. That’s how a good conversation should go.

Today, one of my coworkers that I have known for a while was telling me about all her troubles. Since we were at work she didn’t express herself just how she wanted to but I could see that all she wanted to do at that moment is cry out of frustration. I’ve been there before and girl let me tell you, I had no one. Wish I had but at the same time not, because eww, no one needs to see me crying.

I felt bad that I couldn’t do anything to help her (like c’mon, I do have a heart here). But at the same time she got herself in the hole she is drowning in. Look, I’m not the best for all the motivational crap stuff, don’t get me wrong I love to hear it, I just don’t know how to share it and pump some up or get them to move away from the cliff. My best motivational advice would be “if you want to jump I’ll jump with you.” Hell, to be completely honest I’d probably end up jumping first.

Today though, I was hit by the Motivational Spirit God. Let me tell you why. I told my coworker that even though it seemed like her world was going to be over, it was only a part of her life that she was currently living. And just like those happy moments she had in the past that ended, these tough times were also going to end.

WOW, I know right? What did I  have for breakfast today? I also told her to not give up. Giving up is one of the worst things we can do, and even though its the easiest thing and the option that is right there at our grasp, its not the right one. She smiled at me and proceeded to do what she had to do. In my  opinion those words I said deserved a hug, but that’s neither here nor there.

In the end, what I’m trying to get at is that I am always there to listen to people. And even though sometimes I get tired of their problems it does make me see that I am not the only one. We are all going through crap and it smells really bad. You know what we have to do? Help each other out bro! Sometimes, and I have noticed this in myself, when you help other people while you have problems you feel way better. Sure, you may not be able to take them away but at least you helped them see a brighter better edited picture, you know?

If I’m not making any sense, I’m sorry. Just go help someone feel better. OK? That’s basically it. Even if its you. Go smile in the mirror. Tell yourself you did a good job today. Look, you made it. You’re alive and breathing. You are unstoppable and I believe in you.

Gee, you know what?I just might change my “profession” from free psychiatrist to motivational speaker.


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Make A Batter You

Working out.

I love working out, now. I remember once I was terrified of going to the gym and I dreaded sweating. As soon as I would break into sweat I felt like I was doing too much and needed to stop. It’s not even that to be completely honest, it’s just the fact of not feeling comfortable being looked at while I was sweating.

One of my friends was telling me the other day how she sometimes has no energy for the gym. I know how she feels, when I first started going to the gym I went, not because I wanted to go, but because I was paying for it and I’m not one to waste money and not get out what I put in.

I was never a, omg I have to go to the gym today or I’m going to die, type of person. I hated the gym. When I was younger I would ask myself why people would go to a public place and present themselves in such a way. When I (rarely) worked out at home I never liked anyone watching me. I would hide or lift weights when everyone was sleeping. Of course, that never did work because I never stuck to it and I would always stop.

So, when I bought the membership to the gym I go to now, never did I think I would end up loving it. I’m also not one of those insanely toned guys either, (I wish). I go because I want to do it for my health and I care about it too. Plus it makes me feel really good.

Ok, yes, at first it was such a hassle. I would go and feel like crap looking at other people doing way better than me. Smiling while they look at themselves in the mirror seeing their progress, meanwhile I was over here trying to hide my fat with layers of clothes. But that’s not the way I should have been seeing those people, or even myself. I wasn’t at their level. I’m still not at their level, will I ever be? No. That is their level, I have my own level.

You can’t expect going to the gym you will be walking out like those models on the magazines. That’s not true. If you go to the gym go for yourself. To make a better you. Not to look like somebody else. Those people live at the gym, you have a life to live and things to do. They spend hours and hours in the gym, it’s their job, we go maybe at most two hours a day so it’s unreal if we believe that in a month we’ll look like them.

If that’s your goal then you need to be patient but still think that you can do it, because you can. You just need to motivate yourself in the correct way.

For instance right now my motivation is Escape. I’m wearing a curtain costume and I want to feel hot in it. I want to turn heads. Yes that maybe conceded of me but it makes me feel good. Not that they are looking at me but even before I step out I look in the mirror and just feel good. Everyone else should too. Life is too short to feel like crap and not go out. Even if I didn’t like the way I looked I’m still gonna go out and rock it because I need to live life I need to have fun. The gym has given me so much more confidence, and I needed that.