So I have a problem.
It may be a self induced problem that I brought on to myself, but nonetheless, it’s still a problem.
I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. A pattern that I didn’t know I had. Something that is actually not supposed to be a problem but it usually turns out to be one in the long run.
Usually in what ever relationship I’m in, weather that being friends, family, dating, or even class mates, I am always the one giving 1000%.
I’m always the one going out of my way for ‘X’ person. In the moment and time I don’t care, I’ll do what ever they want. Why? Because in my head I figure they will return the favor in my head or maybe they’ll appreciate me the way I appreciate them. Or sometimes not even that, I just genuinely want to help them.
There’s been times where I’ve put people even before myself. I’ve been so altruistic that I’ve put their needs before mine, forgetting that I am human too and that I need to love myself. Im so concerned for how others are doing and feeling that I lose myself. I forget to take care of me.
I’m very giving, emotionally. I’m always there for my friends when they need a shoulder to cry on. I’m always there when they need something from me. I’m always the first one to bite the bullet.
I don’t want this part of me to ruin what I have with this wonderful guy I’m dating now. He treats me well, he seems to care about me, he says he loves me, so why the fuck am I complaining?
It’s a battle with myself. Should I tell him that I feel as though I am the one that’s trying the most in this relationship? If I do he might be upset or feel a different way towards me. If I don’t then I’ll just have to suck up these feelings and be a ‘big boy’ about it.
I need affection, attention, and love. I thought by giving that out as much as I could I would get it in return, but not everyone is like that. And I don’t want to change him, but would that be changing him? Telling him if he can be more sweeter? More romantic? Who am I to demand these things? I don’t want to make him feel as though I’m not happy, because I am. He makes me happy, but why do I desire more?
These feelings have always affected me. I hate feeling unappreciated, and most of the time people don’t even notice, because they shouldn’t honestly. I feel like it’s just me.
Why do I need more that what I already have?