Time Will Tell

It has been a long while since I have been on here. To tell you the truth its because nothing much has happened. How is your quarantine doing? I wish things would go back to normal already, I really miss going out, seeing my boyfriend, and just being able to be out in public. I know it sounds weird because I am not that much of a social person but I still miss it from time to time.

The other only news I have is that my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. This is a big step for us and honestly I would really like to. I know that with doing so it will bring upon us a lot of challenges, but he said hes down for it.

I really appreciate the fact that he really cares about me and loves me. I always thought that I would never find someone who would feel that way about me. It feels nice.

The only thing that worries me is my family. My mom mostly. She is going to be really against it. Specially because he is a man. Or maybe she wont care?

I know that with what is going on and everything her faith in God is stronger than ever, these times only prove what they preach to be right, the ends of times. Which in part is scary but on the other hand is kind of silly since there has been major pandemics in history before and the world kept spinning after.

How do I tell her? Hey mom, so I’m gay and I’m moving in with a man? Not the very most effective way but it gets the message across. Time will tell though.

Part of me feels like I’m betraying them, my family. Running off with a guy I met, leaving them behind to fend for themselves. I mean they need me, or do they? Do I just tell myself that to feel better? But at the same time isn’t that part of life? I mean I still want to be a part of my mothers life and help her out with what ever she may need, if only she would let me.

Time will tell.

Life/Voice

Where are you taking me?

I know I can’t ask much from you, though I have never really asked for much in the first place.

I feel like right now I am in a state between knowing what I have to do and not knowing at all what I should do.

I feel as if I am swimming. At one point it feels as though I am moving along with the water and it feels free and liberating, I almost make no movement while I float on and let the waves carry me where ever they want. But then once I notice, the waves are only taking me to sharp rocks with thousand feet water falls filled with sharks at the bottom ready to devour what ever drops down, that’s when I know I have been tricked.

I know that geographically speaking this is impossible, but its possible in my head. It happens. If I swim against the current I get weak and my body aches, my head starts throbbing and I can barely breathe. Why do I even try? I ask myself, but I do not respond.

Is it that I do not even want to talk to myself? Or is it that at this point there is no sense in speaking to my inner conscience? Has he given in to what life has thrown at him? Settled for less than what he wanted? Gave up on the dream he once had? Is he fading away into the vast darkness he was once running away from?

What do I tell him when he asks why he should keep swimming, when I myself do not have the answer? Should I lie? Should I make him believe in more lies just to keep him going? Because without him, then who am I? We need each other do we not? Or can one survive without that little voice in their head telling them right from wrong. Happy from sad. Everything and nothing.

The little voice in my head is fading, everyday it gets more faint than the day before. Should I be happy? Should I be sad? I tried asking him, but again he did not reply.

Naive

I am naive.

I never thought I could be but I am. It’s funny how the ones that say they will never be fooled, are the fools that are fooling themselves, it’s a plot twist not even I saw coming.

All this time I have been walking this earth not knowing how foolish I have become. Believing in things that will never happen. Believing in people that will never change. Believing that a simpler time for me is just ahead. Believing in dreams.

You know when you speak to someone, or even in movies, and they tell you, “you can’t change people.” It’s honestly true. The thing that you don’t know is that, you on your own have to discover that you can’t change people, stop, they won’t change.

They are going to be who ever they want to be no matter what. No matter how much you tell them something bothers you, no matter how much you ask them to treat you differently, they will always act and be who ever the fuck they want to be. And why should they change for you? Even if you were to change something about yourself for them, they would over look it.

I know this is part of growing up, realizing this, a part of life. But it doesn’t make me feel any much less of a loser.

A loser in many different aspects. Loser of time. loser of energy. And even a loser of faith. Just a loser.

I’m Just Saying

It’s Valentine’s Day. (Sigh) I know, I know, if you’re single you could care less, or maybe you’re with someone and don’t care about it at all. Or maybe you’re like me and have a mixed feeling about it. What ever your mentality may be about it, it’s here, you like it or not.

There has been a lot of hate towards this day, and I’ve seen a lot of it. Not necessarily from single people but from people who are “above us all” and think they have won at life or something (I don’t really know, they’re entitled, ask them).

Yes, it’s over commercialized, and yes, it shouldn’t be the only day you profess your love to your significant other. But doesn’t every other holiday do that?

If you feel that Valentine’s Day is another day for companies to make money, don’t you feel the same way about Christmas? Thanksgiving? Halloween? No? But I bet your ass still goes out and buys a tree, you still go out and treat or treat. You still invite family over and eat a big fat bird. So I’m sitting here asking you, why you hating on V day bruh? (Maybe you just need a hug?)

Can’t you give presents out any other time of the year? Why does it have to be Christmas? You can’t give thanks unless you’re sitting across from that one aunt that judges all of your life decisions? You can’t be “spooky” or watch a scary movie unless it’s The Witching Hour of October?

I’m just saying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . You don’t have to celebrate anything if you’re complaining that it’s just another ploy for companies to make money off of you. Either way they still do, just on different holidays, didn’t think about that did you? 😌

Now, this is all coming from someone who all his life couldn’t even celebrate the sun coming up in the morning because only ‘god’ deserved the glory (cults… they’re fun), so you might understand why I appreciate almost every holiday there is out there. Because at one point in my life I couldn’t.

Even when I was single I would sit hours day dreaming about the day that I could have a valentine. Never in those wildest dreams did I ever think it would come to reality.

So you’ll have to excuuuuse me as I gather my chocolates and flowers that I bought at an unreasonably amount and go enjoy this day with my Boyfriend.

We Are Confident

I am not that much of a confident person. If you were to ask people to describe me, confidence would not be a word that would come out of their mouth.

I have struggled with this word my whole life. I have always been a shy little boy. Even when I think I have the power to be that loud person that has the attention of every one in the room, it still makes me want to crawl into a whole.

There have been times when I have had to take center stage in everyone’s presence. I survived. But, I remember the feeling of burning liquid fire on my face, the feeling of being scared to move because my legs have ran away from my body, what was I standing with? Who knows, maybe faith?

Anyways, I have made it a goal for me to work on this.

What has helped me is the fact that I tell myself that people really don’t care about you. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I refer to, if you are thinking that your hair looks bad, some people haven’t even noticed. Or other minor things like that.

As an over thinker I always think of what others are thinking about me. I am putting thoughts in their head that they aren’t even thinking. That only hurts me.

Another way I have tried to better my confidence is my loving my body. I know I am not a Calvin Klein model, but hey, I’m not too shabby you know? Some times we don’t see how great we look and we hate everything about ourselves even when its not true.

I am still working on this little thing called confidence, there are so many other things involved too. Sometimes it just might not be your day, you feel gloomy, its just not in you. And that’s totally fine, shit happens. But we have to pick ourselves up and move on.

Because you are worth it, you are great, I believe in you.

We are great, we are Confident.

I’m Not Waiting For 2020

This week has really been a week for me. And I know that may not seem like a surprise since I mainly almost say it nearly every week but that’s what my life has become only because I have let it.

There was a minor thing that happened last week, and I say minor because I refuse to give it power over me. Basically my mom told me that if I continued with my “worldly ways” she would have to cut ties with me and no longer communicate with me. This comes to no surprise to me and I think I have accepted the fact that it will happen weather I like it or not.

She said this because I told her I was going out for the whole entire Thanks Giving weekend. I didn’t tell here with who or where but she knew I was going to celebrate it, and that’s a huge no no for her. But, I was whatever about it, I have already accepted the fact that she is going to follow the instructions that they give her.

It’s almost weird, accepting that fact. Why would I want someone who isn’t going to accept me for me, even if it is my own mother.

My friends are all fighting with each other. I know what’s going on but at the same time I don’t. They always make plans and then someone always ends up canceling, and even though that is annoying, none of us can be mad about it because we all do it once in a while, so there is no reason for them to be fighting, I guess I have really petty friends. Plus, we are all adults, we all have life’s, and we need to be understanding with each other.

This time, unlike other times, where I am always trying to fix the situation and trying my best to get them all together again, I wont be doing so. Not this time, this time they can fix it on their own. It’s not my job honestly. I always lose my mind and forget about myself when I try to save them from themselves.

I have decided to take care of myself first. I come first. I’m going to start being selfish for once in my life, without losing the care that I have for others.

All my life I have been bending over for people, no wonder they come to me first because they know I will be there for them no mater what mental state I am at the moment, and I know that they know but do they care? Nope. I need to care for myself. If I don’t then who will?

And mind you I am not waiting for 2020. I’m not for all that “new year new me” bullshit, if I can better myself today why not do it today? Why the heck do I have to wait for a whole dam New Year?

No, this is my time, I don’t care what year it is, its about dam time that I start taking care of myself.

I Forget To Take Care Of Myself

So I have a problem.

It may be a self induced problem that I brought on to myself, but nonetheless, it’s still a problem.

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. A pattern that I didn’t know I had. Something that is actually not supposed to be a problem but it usually turns out to be one in the long run.

Usually in what ever relationship I’m in, weather that being friends, family, dating, or even class mates, I am always the one giving 1000%.

I’m always the one going out of my way for ‘X’ person. In the moment and time I don’t care, I’ll do what ever they want. Why? Because in my head I figure they will return the favor in my head or maybe they’ll appreciate me the way I appreciate them. Or sometimes not even that, I just genuinely want to help them.

There’s been times where I’ve put people even before myself. I’ve been so altruistic that I’ve put their needs before mine, forgetting that I am human too and that I need to love myself. Im so concerned for how others are doing and feeling that I lose myself. I forget to take care of me.

I’m very giving, emotionally. I’m always there for my friends when they need a shoulder to cry on. I’m always there when they need something from me. I’m always the first one to bite the bullet.

I don’t want this part of me to ruin what I have with this wonderful guy I’m dating now. He treats me well, he seems to care about me, he says he loves me, so why the fuck am I complaining?

It’s a battle with myself. Should I tell him that I feel as though I am the one that’s trying the most in this relationship? If I do he might be upset or feel a different way towards me. If I don’t then I’ll just have to suck up these feelings and be a ‘big boy’ about it.

I need affection, attention, and love. I thought by giving that out as much as I could I would get it in return, but not everyone is like that. And I don’t want to change him, but would that be changing him? Telling him if he can be more sweeter? More romantic? Who am I to demand these things? I don’t want to make him feel as though I’m not happy, because I am. He makes me happy, but why do I desire more?

These feelings have always affected me. I hate feeling unappreciated, and most of the time people don’t even notice, because they shouldn’t honestly. I feel like it’s just me.

Why do I need more that what I already have?

Cheating

I have talked about this before, so its not something new, if you don’t remember what I said about cheating or think that my opinions are new read this to refresh your memory —-> Its Not Cheating, It’s Just Sex.

With that being said, I am no one to judge someone who has cheated on their partner. I am not saying I approve it, but I am not anyone’s dad to scold them if they do either. Its your life, do what you want, I’ll give you my opinion if you ask for it, but don’t get mad if its not what you want to hear. Your actions your consequences.

I understand why people cheat. Trust me I do. I get it, you’re not happy, you don’t like your partner any more, something is not going right in the relationship. Or maybe the love that your partner once gave you is coming from a different place and it just honestly feels good. Who doesn’t want to be appreciated?

But why not communicate that to the person you are with? If they can’t compromise with you, or at least try, maybe they don’t love you as much either. Maybe you shouldn’t be with them.

I know many people have many opinions about cheating, I’m not saying mine is right or that there even is a correct one. I have known people that have cheated but have worked it out with who they were with.

I don’t know if I could continue with any one that would cheat on me. I am too paranoid as it is already, I am too emotional, and I waer my hurt on my shirt like a brand logo.

My boyfriends opinion is that ‘everyone has needs’. He only said it once when his friends brought up cheating. I do want to ask him what he meant by that, but I also don’t want him to think I am paranoid, even though this whole paragraph makes me look like I am, so I guess I am, and what?

I want to ask him what he means. How he feels about cheaters, if he ever would, I mean I know you cant predict the future and you can say and swear that you would never, but still, the mentality that you have now is a pretty strong indication. I just need the reassurance that he wont. It scares me that if he says that everyone has needs he might think its ok if its sex and be inclined to do it in the future.

Would you forgive a cheater?

I’ve heard people say that they would if all they did was have sex, because its just sex. They say that if there was an emotional bond it would be different. I just don’t even want to be placed in a situation like that.

Maybe I shouldn’t even think about it, but with everyone doing it, it scares me.

What I Learned On WordPress After 300 Posts

I have been on WordPress for years now. This is not the first blog I have tried to start. But this is the one that has lasted the longest. I’m really great full that it has. Going back and reading everything I wrote back then brings back a lot of memories. Both good and back. That is the great thing about keeping a journal. You can relive all the moments that you had in the past.

Being on here for years I have learned many things. Some things have been helpful and others haven’t, really just depends on how you see things. Or what you want the out come to be. What was the purpose of you starting a blog? If your intent was to get followers of course you need the algorithm information and all that stuff to know what your readers want to be reading.

If you want to help people with some sort of information then you probably want to try to get as much feedback in your comments section as possible that way you know that you are helping those people out. If comments is what you want and you aren’t getting any that’s when you can switch things out and maybe find a way to be more appealing to your audience.

Depending on what you want you still have to be realistic with yourself. Just because you think what you write is the best, doesn’t mean others will think the same. But that doesn’t mean you should stop. Unless you want people to think what you write is great (to which a certain extend we all do), in that case you need to see what your audience really wants.

You have to enjoy what you do. When you don’t you kind of just do things because you have to do it. But when you actually enjoy it, you make sure that is great, or that its the closest to perfection that there is.

Which brings me to my next point. Make sure that you reread and proof read your content. You want to make sure it makes sense and everyone can actually undersatnd what you are talking about. It can seem like just common sense but still. I know I mess up on that a lot but in my defense I’m super excited to write and my fingers go Nacho Libre on the keyboard. Plus, some times its hard to find your own mistakes, which is something I should probably work on… (lol). But I’ll get there, maybe by my 400th post.

I’m no wiz at this whole internet blogging thing, and even though I have been blogging for years I still don’t consider myself a “blogger“. The purpose of my blog was just to write down my thoughts and life experiences. And until this day that is all I’ve done. And some people seem to be interested in it, (so thank you to those you read my blog, and thank you to those who comment, very much appreciated. *Insert virtual hug here*). I will keep it up, as much as I can.