Looking Back At A Decade Of ‘Me’

This may just be the last post of this year, and this decade. I hope everyone had a good Christmas with their loved ones and will have a great New Years.

Looking back at this decade and seeing where I began to where I am now, its just insane. To me 2010 was just a couple of years ago. I was only 15 and I was getting baptized in a cult-religion I just left this year. From then on it would be a roller coaster of things to come, some good, and some very oh so bad. But I made it.

2011 came by fast and it was actually a good year for me. Even though I was struggling with my sexuality I still found happy moments during all the chaos. I also dated a girl for the first time ever. Who I really did love very much but ended up breaking up with later in 2012.

In 2013 I graduated high school and I had no plans of going to college. I was not in very good circumstances to have such a privilege. I stayed home taking care of my brother and 4 cousins while my mother worked. It wasn’t the best way to make money but it helped my moms family and ours at the same time.

Then in 2014 I started working at a fast food place that everyone knows the jingle to. Although its not the most, or at all, the desired job to have, I still loved working there and because I did I got to meet the most amazing people that even today I still call friends.

2015 and 2016 are both a big blur. I can’t honestly say why though, there inst much that happened those years. I did buy a car which is really big but that’s about it. I think it is because I was trying to live a happy life with my friends and also trying to please everyone from church at the same time, I probably lost myself for a bit those two years.

In 2017 my mother told us she had cancer and her long process began for survival, which she is still dealing with now. It was a real hard year. I lost touch with many of my friends because I was trying to follow the “Holy Way”.

2018 was also a good and bad year. I think it was more of a good year for me. Other than my mothers second surgery nothing bad really happened. I really got out of my shell that year and started going to clubs, I started drinking as if I needed it to survive, and I met a lot of new people. But during all this I was still the little good church boy and it got exhausting. It was hard partying all night Saturday and coming home at 4 in the morning and then getting up at 8 for Sunday Service.

I had to choose which path to take and I chose the wrong one at the beginning of 2019. I was full on going to be the very depiction of what a good Christian should be, hell, I was even dating a girl who was the very depiction of what a Great Christian Woman should be. But I wasn’t Happy. So I had to leave what I thought was “The Truth”. I later found where I was actually supposed to be and I met a wonderful guy who makes me really happy.

With that guy I am entering 2020, a new decade, a fresh brand new start.

What will this year (and decade) bring?

2020 here we all come!

Happy New!

I’m Not Waiting For 2020

This week has really been a week for me. And I know that may not seem like a surprise since I mainly almost say it nearly every week but that’s what my life has become only because I have let it.

There was a minor thing that happened last week, and I say minor because I refuse to give it power over me. Basically my mom told me that if I continued with my “worldly ways” she would have to cut ties with me and no longer communicate with me. This comes to no surprise to me and I think I have accepted the fact that it will happen weather I like it or not.

She said this because I told her I was going out for the whole entire Thanks Giving weekend. I didn’t tell here with who or where but she knew I was going to celebrate it, and that’s a huge no no for her. But, I was whatever about it, I have already accepted the fact that she is going to follow the instructions that they give her.

It’s almost weird, accepting that fact. Why would I want someone who isn’t going to accept me for me, even if it is my own mother.

My friends are all fighting with each other. I know what’s going on but at the same time I don’t. They always make plans and then someone always ends up canceling, and even though that is annoying, none of us can be mad about it because we all do it once in a while, so there is no reason for them to be fighting, I guess I have really petty friends. Plus, we are all adults, we all have life’s, and we need to be understanding with each other.

This time, unlike other times, where I am always trying to fix the situation and trying my best to get them all together again, I wont be doing so. Not this time, this time they can fix it on their own. It’s not my job honestly. I always lose my mind and forget about myself when I try to save them from themselves.

I have decided to take care of myself first. I come first. I’m going to start being selfish for once in my life, without losing the care that I have for others.

All my life I have been bending over for people, no wonder they come to me first because they know I will be there for them no mater what mental state I am at the moment, and I know that they know but do they care? Nope. I need to care for myself. If I don’t then who will?

And mind you I am not waiting for 2020. I’m not for all that “new year new me” bullshit, if I can better myself today why not do it today? Why the heck do I have to wait for a whole dam New Year?

No, this is my time, I don’t care what year it is, its about dam time that I start taking care of myself.

I Forget To Take Care Of Myself

So I have a problem.

It may be a self induced problem that I brought on to myself, but nonetheless, it’s still a problem.

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. A pattern that I didn’t know I had. Something that is actually not supposed to be a problem but it usually turns out to be one in the long run.

Usually in what ever relationship I’m in, weather that being friends, family, dating, or even class mates, I am always the one giving 1000%.

I’m always the one going out of my way for ‘X’ person. In the moment and time I don’t care, I’ll do what ever they want. Why? Because in my head I figure they will return the favor in my head or maybe they’ll appreciate me the way I appreciate them. Or sometimes not even that, I just genuinely want to help them.

There’s been times where I’ve put people even before myself. I’ve been so altruistic that I’ve put their needs before mine, forgetting that I am human too and that I need to love myself. Im so concerned for how others are doing and feeling that I lose myself. I forget to take care of me.

I’m very giving, emotionally. I’m always there for my friends when they need a shoulder to cry on. I’m always there when they need something from me. I’m always the first one to bite the bullet.

I don’t want this part of me to ruin what I have with this wonderful guy I’m dating now. He treats me well, he seems to care about me, he says he loves me, so why the fuck am I complaining?

It’s a battle with myself. Should I tell him that I feel as though I am the one that’s trying the most in this relationship? If I do he might be upset or feel a different way towards me. If I don’t then I’ll just have to suck up these feelings and be a ‘big boy’ about it.

I need affection, attention, and love. I thought by giving that out as much as I could I would get it in return, but not everyone is like that. And I don’t want to change him, but would that be changing him? Telling him if he can be more sweeter? More romantic? Who am I to demand these things? I don’t want to make him feel as though I’m not happy, because I am. He makes me happy, but why do I desire more?

These feelings have always affected me. I hate feeling unappreciated, and most of the time people don’t even notice, because they shouldn’t honestly. I feel like it’s just me.

Why do I need more that what I already have?

Talking To Myself

I had a long talk with myself the other day. I was in the state of mind where I was lingering, waiting for life to show me the correct way I should be going towards. Usually, with time things come around and you find out what you need to be doing, or changing.

This wasn’t working this time. Time was passing. Days were flying by. Nothing was happening. So I sat. Turned off my music, and I listened to myself for the first time in a long while.

What do I want? Well, I want to be happy. Ever since I have left my ex religion I have a sense of feeling free. I feel liberated. Light. I’m scared to jump, maybe I’ll float away in the clouds. But all in a good way.

How can I be happy? Doing what I want, as long as no one else is harmed of course. I’m not saying setting fire to homes and breaking into banks. I mean going out with friends, having a good time, getting to do things I was once told I couldn’t do, because it would hurt Them, and of course Him.

Who makes you happy? I am the only one that can make myself happy. Sure, I feel happy when I’m surrounded by people I love and want to be with. But happiness has to come from me. If not, I’d be sad and depressed when I’d be left alone, and that’s not what I want either.

Do I want to get back together with my ex? Yes.

Am I bisexual? Pan sexual? Heteroromatic? I have no clue. I know I want to be with my ex. Emotionally, physically, and even if it sounds shallow, yes sexually. Do I still find men attractive? Yes. A friend told me the other day. A straight man, will be straight. Marry a woman. But that does not mean he will not find other woman attractive. That doesn’t mean he’s cheating on his wife either. It just means he’s human.

Can I date my ex, even when she is still in that religion? Yikes. This was a hard one. I thought about this one. But I left it up to her. I told her what follows; They will tell you not to date me. They will tell you I’m under Satans control and that I am a bad influence. If you continue they’ll talk behind your back, they’ll whisper. They won’t trust you. They might even take some church privileges away. If you want to date me, go ahead. But, I don’t go to church, I don’t see them outside of church, I’m never around them. But you are. You’re the one that has to deal with them. And I will not live like them anymore. I have my own rules, my freedom. If that’s what you want, it’s your choice.

She said she didn’t care. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. But I miss her.

What’s next? Unemployment. School. I want to go back and learn something, anything really. I will look at my options and figure something out.

As a side note. Everything’s been settle. I know it’s the calm before the storm but I’m not worried for some reason. I’m ready to take on what ever is next. For now I’m good. Good where I stand.

I’m Not Going Back To Church

Yesterday I had the worst head ache I think known to man. I was thinking about so many things. Work, love, life, friends, and religion.

Let us start with religion. My life has always revolved around it. Every single thing I would do I had to think if it was appropriate for me to do and if it would make others mad or upset them. (Others as in the people in my religion). I never actually asked my self if God would be mad, isn’t that funny?

With that being said, I have been living that way for way too long. I didn’t know I was walking on this path that I am now, but as I look at the months that have passed I see how I took the right turns to get to where I am.

Let me explain. I am not happy. Why? Religion. I liked some parts of it. But others I couldn’t. I am in a religion that does not and will not just only take half of you or part of you. I remember someone at church saying, “your either fully committed here or your on the out side and you’re on of our enemies.”

That’s a great thing to say to someone who’s confused right? I have been messed up so bad because of it. All this time I have lost because I was someone I didn’t want to be to please others. Just because I say that doesn’t mean I regret it. No, I love my mom and I am happy I gave her a little of what she wanted me to be. I don’t care what anyone says.

But the time is now. I’m not sure if its the time, my supportive friends, the new guy I’m talking to, the church using me, Taylor’s new song (have you heard?), or something else. It’s time to make ME happy.

As you all have known, Jehovah Witness are known to go knocking on peoples doors almost every day. Yes, I was one of them. I stopped doing that back in March. It took courage to stop, believe me. Its not something you can just stop doing, no. You will get harassed by the ‘Elders’ of the congregation, or even other members. You will get calls, text messages. They will go to your home and read you bible texts and give you reasons on why you need to do as they say you have to. If you tell them you’re not home or they can’t reach you, they will hunt you down at church and ask you to stay so they can “give you advice” but its only them just criticizing you for not doing what they expect from you. So yes, it was hard.

Nonetheless, I stopped going and after taking the harassment they laid off for a bit. I still went to church twice a week like I have always done. Out of respect for my mom. There is something I believe in, but I’m not sure if I have found it yet.

That was step one. Step two was to dissociate with my church friends. Do I miss them? Sure, from time to time, they are humans after all and we did have history and good times together. But I have just recently learned that I can not be friends with someone who will not take me as I am, I’m done changing for people. I am myself. At first they were worried, I understand. But now? Where are the worried texts and the missed calls? Have they just forgotten so easily? I hope that is the case.

The step that I am now on is not going to church at all. That’s right. I’m not going to go anymore. Why should I? I don’t have a good time there, no one talks to me. As soon as its over I get up and leave as fast as I can. You tell me if that’s what church is supposed to be like, and if it is by all means, you go.



 

I’m going to side tract now. I was talking to a friend yesterday about coming out. I know it will not be easy for me. I have this unusual great amount of love and respect for my mother. I know that she will always love me, I am her son after all. So why have I not yet came out?

Many reasons. I wont hold back I’ll tell you. One of them is knowing that my mom will never speak to me again. Not because she doesn’t want to, I know she loves me. But all Jehovah Witnesses are taught that when a person is no longer part of the ‘organization’ you have to go out of your way to not speak to them, you have to shun them out of your life completely as they do not exist anymore. If you are ever caught having communication with them you will be talked to and if done again, you will end up with the same type of treatment. And this is and I quote “to keep peace and cleanliness in the congregation. ”

I remember when I was little and one of my cousins got pregnant at the age of 16. Her family is also in the religion. She was kicked out of her own house and told to never come back for having sexual relations before marriage. No one was allowed to speak to her, she was only let back into everyone’s life when she spoke to the elders and told them that she regretted it all from the bottom of her heart.

The reason they do this is because their philosophy is that you will come back to the church after you realize you can’t live without your family in your life. It’s a total mind fuck. Manipulative to a whole new level. I know. Why do you think I an such a mess?

This story brings me to my other reason. The being kicked out. Where would I go? And now that I am soon to be unemployed? Who wants a damaged, poor, messed up 25 year old? If you know anyone who does let me know.

I know I have friends that will help me with what they can , but I don’t want to test a friendship like that.

The last reason is that I only have a work permit to be in this country.  I have been here since I was 2 years old. Did I chose to come here? No. I do not know any where else other than here. I don’t know why that is even a concern on this subject but it is. What will I do the day the government decides that they don’t want to keep renewing it ? What will be of me?

As the days go by, it is getting easier to breathe though. I am scared. I am terrified. But at least I am smiling for myself now, and not for others.

Girlfriend, Religion, & Friends

Hello again,

 

I have been MIA for a while now. Looking back at some of my post I forgot how good it felt to write. Better said, I forgot how good it felt to let my feelings out. So many things have happened in the lifespan of two or so months. For a short summary I can say that I now have a girlfriend, I am more religious than I once was, or have ever been, and also I have left a lot of toxic friendships in the past.

 

I should explain the girlfriend part. I know, it even sounds weird when I say it myself, so it must sound out of this world reading it from your  point of view. How could you possibly have a girlfriend when last year all you did was brag about sleeping with men? I asked myself that question many times. So, what is my sexual orientation? I don’t even think I know now. But I do know that I very much am fond of a girl at the moment and I very do much enjoy being with her. For the least part, its been a few complicated years with my sexuality to say the least. But that’s for another day.

 

As for Religion. I am content. I think I hated my religion for long enough and this time instead of running away from the questions I had, I set my mind on looking for the answers. When some of them weren’t being answered to my satisfaction I did not stop, it only fueled my curiosity and it did take a while for me to find them. If you don’t believe in God I don’t blame you. You have many reasons not to. I had many reasons to hate Him. But that doesn’t mean I just stopped. I kept looking, and you should too. If you are in a religion, or you believe something and ask a question, one which they can’t answer, something is not right, I say look for the answer yourself, investigate. Don’t stop. Don’t quit. Most important don’t let go of your faith.

 

As for my friends, well I loved them to death. But in true honesty they weren’t doing me any good. Going out and spending money every week, doing thinds for no reason, I didn’t find a purpose for that. I asked myself if being around them actually made me happy. The answer was no. I felt drained. I felt as if I was the punching bag to everyone’s life. I gave them the best advice they never took. Not to mention our beliefs had changed as well. We slowly stopped having things in common. So we drifted apart. I haven’t seen them in more than three months now. Do I miss them? Just a little. Doesn’t mean I don’t have any friends. I gave my church friend a second chance after things with us got stale, and to be completely honest, I’ve never had a better friend than him. There are one or two friends I still talk to that do not share the same beliefs I do, but that’s ok. There is a certain level of understanding between us I will always cherish and hold near to my heart.

 

As for this blog, I miss it. I really do. I miss just ranting in general without anyone to interrupt me or roll their eyes at me. I remember when I first started this blog, I wanted it to be a place where I could speak my mind and talk freely. I would like to get back to that.

 

 

 

Quit The Gym

What would you do to have the best body ever? How much time would you be willing to invest to have the greatest body you could ever have? How much money would you be willing to spend to get that body?

No, this isn’t an ad for something and I’m not selling any pills that will magically make you into that cover girl or get you that surfer dude’s body. These are just some of the questions I asked myself before I decided to quit the gym.

Yes, I quit the gym. I know in previous posts I was so eager to go back and be hit the gym hard and get toned and back into shape. But the thing is, I wasn’t going to do it for myself.

See, all my life I’ve wanted to be someone else. In the sense that I’ve always wanted to be more social, more out there, louder, and more confident. And this summer that was who I was. But where was all of that coming from? Where was my confidence coming from? From my body.

I thought that by looking good, people were generally going to accept me, and I live off of being accepted. Plus in my mind I always considered myself as fat. I’m not fat or obese. I’m only fifteen pounds over what I should actually weigh. And that’s not entirely bad.

This society made me think that in order to be accepted I have to be a certain size or shape. Even weight! I always felt that people would look at me like I was different, even to the point of thinking they would see me as ugly and detestable.

And a part of me, the very superficial part of me, thought that by having a good body I was going to be able to get the sexual attention I wanted. And I’m not going to lie, I got it. It was fun. It was great. But it wasn’t for me. The people who would be with me only wanted to be with me because they liked what they saw, and that’s not bad, but that’s all they saw. They never saw me. They didn’t want to get to know me. They just wanted my body. *insert what everyone is thinking here* (Get over yourself will you).

But I came to a conclusion the other day. My body should not be the reason I have friends, or relationships, or even where my confidence should come from. I am so much more than my body. So what if I gained a little weight? We all go through a rough patch with our bodies. I love food to much to say no to it.

On the other hand, I’m not saying I’m going to be consuming calories like the government consumes your taxes. No. Running is one of the most anti stress tools that I have ever found to help me. And I’ve always enjoyed it.

Do I need a gym for it? No there are parks. Do I need to pay for them? No, the government already takes my money to keep them nice and pretty. Will I be going crazy trying to get that Calvin Klein looking body? No, for once in my life I’m content with my body. And for once in my life I don’t need to be accepted by anyone to be happy. Because happiness does not come form other people. Or the acceptance of them. If they don’t like you why be around them? Happiness doesn’t come from them. It comes from within. I dare you to go find it.

Big Talk

I was looking back the other day on how far I have come. Not in the sense of success but in the sense of growth. Growth as a person.

I remember not too long ago I hated parties. Just the thought of going to one made my back shiver and gave me goosebumps all over my body. The thought of interacting with people I have never me just drove me crazy. I would ask myself, why would anyone talk to someone they don’t already know?

 

But, in reality we have all have talked to someone we don’t know. That’s the only way you got to meet the people you know very well now. You know them very well now, but at one point or another you never did. And now you talk to them not even remembering how terrified you were of starting the conversation in the beginning.

I guess what I am trying to say is how much I have changed. In this world, you really can’t be antisocial. Please, don’t get me wrong, I always get those doubts like, will they like me? What if I say something I wasn’t supposed to say? What if we have nothing to talk about? Will they want to be my friends? Will they think I’m weird? And about a million other questions always run through my mind.

 

But it’s the way I answer those questions that really gives me confidence. First, who cares what people say? Sure, you do, but if you are looking for their approval are they really that worth it? It reminds me of college frats. You must go through all these hoops and humiliating things just to join the club? Hell no! Be in a group that is accepting that will invite you to be part of them, if they don’t want you then they are missing out on one great person.

Second, there’s always that awkward silence when you first meet someone. You either don’t know what to say or you don’t want to say something that will upset them. Ok, well if you go back to the previous paragraph we literally just said “who cares” right? So, if we think like that this will take some pressure off. Ask them anything! Enough with the weather bullshit, we all know that its hot and its cold and global warming and shit, let’s talk about where you grew up, why you are the person whom you are today, what are your goals and dreams in this life? If you had one day left to live what would you do? No more small talk lets big talk!

I have learned that connecting with people and seeing that really everyone has fears and aspirations it has helped me come out of my shell. Sure, I’m not going to go talking to everyone I meet but if someone wants to talk and connect then yes, I’m all for it. And I know if I can do it, so can you.

When I Stop Trying We Start Dying

Dear Journal, 

         I was thinking yesterday about my relationships. More specifically, the relationships that have to do with love and friendships. In these two fields I have past experience in. Not a lot but enough to talk about. These experiences should not be taken by the book since I am in fact alone

          So, then why was I thinking about them? Well, there is this thing called Snapchat, and the friend I have left and I have been communicating through it everyday, because you get a streak. Which is obviously the only reason we use it. I noticed though that I am always starting the conversation. I am always the one who sends the first message, or snap. 

          Yesterday, I was somewhat busy and decided that I would let him start the convo. We usually start talking when I send the first snap, which is usually around six AM. This time it was differant. It was near noon and still no sign that he was alive . No sign that he was ever going to start the interaction of words. So I, not wanting to lose the streak we have (which is at 53 days thank you), finally decided to send a good morning snap. I did not get any other response than “gm”. Until later in the day he told me what college he had finally chosen. 

          This had me thinking. Thinking about how hard I have to work for this friendship to work, let alone last. This threw me back in time to 2011. I was dating this girl. She was sixteen and I was seventeen. I liked her, didn’t know she liked me kind of senerio. I told her the same day I was moving away, two hours away, that I liked her which made her give her confession of also liking me. Very movie like kind of thing I now. Very romantic. Boy moves back and gets the girl. 

          FYI the guy didn’t get the girl in this one. We started long distance dating and we would visit each other from time to time. The whole relationship lasted a good six months. Until, well, until I stopped trying. I noticed she would only reply with one word answers. When we talked on the phone I was almost always talking. I wanted her to speak as well so I would ask questions but they seemed to get me no where. So I ended things. You think that she would cry or try to reason that what we had could be saved but no, she simply said okay. And we remained friends. Really far friends, that only speak every once in a year. 

          The same thing happened when I started dating other people. I would notice that I would be putting so much more in the relationship that I would just stop caring. I felt so used. Not only would I give my all, I would spend my money, time, and energy in those relationships. Just to get “okays” and “yeahs”. I don’t think so. Anyone who replies like they should just burn in hell because it affects a person who over analyzes too much, like yours truly. 

          Same thing with friendships. It seems that when I stop trying we start dying. Makes me wonder. Am I really that annoying? Am I annoying at all? Do I do things that bug people? Am I boring? Or possibly irritating? 

          So basically, what I want to be understood is that I’m done trying. It’s taking to much of me to keep up with all these relationships. I have to keep it together like glue on building blocks. It’s eating at me. 

          And it sucks because every time I’m sinking in the black hole of anxiety it feels like no one cares and they don’t mind that I am no longer around. Makes me think that they never actually wanted me around. That I was just there to fill the emptiness for the mean time. It’s cruel. I need some one to try for me. To care for me. I need someone to work as hard as I will in a relationship. To give it their all just as I will. To not give up when I start drifting away. To do  something if they see that I am falling and sinking back in that black hole. Someone, just someone who cares, someone who cares enough to try



4/22/2017

You Wait For The Perfect Outcome, But We Don’t Live In A Perfect World 

Dear Journal, 

          I had planned on going to work early today, so therefore I woke up an hour early. My alarm went off so many times that I decided to turn it off. Big mistake. I woke up with just twenty minutes left, unrealistically I thought if I hurried I would still make it in time. I got everything ready and as I was about to walk out the door I saw the clock. It takes me about thirteen to fourteen mitintes to get to work. Seeing that I only had ten, and I have yet to master freezing time, I decided just to go in at my regular time. 

          So instead here I am, writing to you. Nothing but my thoughts today. One good thing, that might just be general news, is that we have a fish tank. (And fish, of course). They are mainly mollies and guppies. Small fish. It’s a ten gallon fish tank so we can’t have any fish that will grow because eventually they will die. They aren’t that bad. The males are brighter and more colorful but can’t have more males than females because just like humans, they tire out the females. 

          Other than that I have lost a couple of pounds. I notice that my shirts aren’t that tight anymore. I can button my pants without have to suck it in. And I notice when I sit down I don’t have that much of a gut. I haven’t weighed myself yet. I think I’m scared. Scared that the scale will tell me what I feel is a lie. But I know I have to, eventually. Still my diet and fitness continue. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good about my body.

          I haven’t heard anything from my old friends. Wow, “old”, as in the past. That’s really sad. It’s crazy how you can spend so much time with people and then after a couple of months you don’t know who they are anymore. Really sad. Well they’re missing out. 

          My moms surgery is set to be in early May. I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Sure you wait for the perfect outcome but we don’t live in a perfect world. Still you have to hope. Hope. Sometimes I hate that word. Sometimes it’s really beautiful . I suppose it all depends in what state you’re mentally in at the time. 

           I haven’t read any new books yet. I have one on my night stand locked and ready. But I just haven’t had the chance. With working ten hours a day and Netflix being my weakness I just haven’t had enough time. I’m currently viewing about five shows which I said I would never do because I wouldn’t remember any of their plots or characters, but remember, not a perfect world. 

          Anyway, this was relaxing. I’ll smother some peanut butter on bread and eat that with my tea and go to work. Like any normal day. No one will know I intended to go earlier but it didn’t work out. That’s just life, we plan things so far ahead, and then find out that that’s not actually what is in store for us. 

4/20/2017