Him & I

Will I ever be happy?

I know that’s a loaded question but it is one I need to ask. I don’t know who I am asking it to. God? The Universe? A special Higher Power? Who knows, but the question still stands.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, at least that is what I tell myself and him. But, is it actually fact? I am a lover, I am and attention and affection whore, so to speak. I am nice, I am sweet. He is all but the opposite.

Am I even allowed to complain? He opened his doors for me when my own mother kicked me out. He has done everything in his power to make me feel like this is also my home. Then, why isn’t it enough? Why do I a need more?

Why is it that what comes out of his mouth is not what I want him to say? Why is it that his actions are not the ones I want to see. What if the way he thinks is not the way I would like him to.

I know that the perfect couple doesn’t exist, but I know that him and I are not at each others throats like cats and dogs having a blood bath of fights, no. The thing is that I am not happy. In other words (words I did not wish I had to say) he doesn’t make me happy.

But how can I tell him? How can I tell him that I do not like the way he acts? He is who he is right? Why would I tell him to change? To who? To the person in my head I would want him to be? That’s sounds so toxic.

Have I fallen in love with the idea of “Love”. I think I have and I think I am seeing it know.

The thing is, I don’t think he will ever please me emotionally. He can not match my romanticism. He can not match my affection and attention.

What is there to do now?

Sinking In

It has been a little over a week since I left home for coming out. I think it barley sunk in yesterday, though I still don’t feel as if I am at “home”.

I can say that I am feeling a little home sick though. I miss my dogs, I miss my bed, I miss a lot of things I used to do when I was alone and I could. But now things are different and even thought my boyfriends house doesn’t feel strange anymore it still doesn’t feel like home. Maybe soon it will.

Today I have to go back home and change some bills over to my brother since I no longer live there. I also have to pick up somethings that I left behind because my car was already to full when I left the first time.

I have been thinking about how it will be seeing my mom after all this. I doubt she will come out of her room or even acknowledge my presence. I know her and I know how she is and what she stands for so its pretty obvious to me how shes going to be. I just hope its easy for me.

I Hope Life Treats You Kind

It’s over.

It finally happened.

 

Yesterday my Ex and I finally had the talk. I had been planning all week how to talk to her and I wanted to be as soft as I could but also tell her how I was feeling. She did the same.

She got mad that I got tattoos yesterday which is how everything started. She got mad who I got the tattoos with. She doesn’t like my friends, she thinks they’re turning me into Satan’s child. It came to a point where I told her that if she was unhappy with the way I  was living my life and who I surrounded myself with, then she shouldn’t be in a relationship.

She ended up giving back every little thing that I ever gave her. Notes, balloons, cards, even the mini fridge I gave her for her new place. She didn’t want anything that had to do with me anymore, not because she hated me, but because she wanted to move on from this. She doesn’t want to be reminded with those things of what we had.

That’s cool. This is basically what I wanted, (as cruel as it may sound), and even though it is what I wanted, her presence will still be missed. We ended on really good terms. No fighting, no evil stares, and we even hugged at the end. We’re friends now. We’ll check up on each other from time to time. I have no hard feelings for her and she doesn’t towards me either.

I really want her to be happy. I want her to find someone that will do all the things she needs them to do, and actually like doing them. Someone who thinks that the cult they are in is an actual religion. Someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved, because she is a great person.

And I want to be happy too. I want to find someone who likes the things I like. Someone who wants to go places I want to go and celebrate holidays like I want to celebrate them. I’m not saying I want an identical twin, no. But at least some things that we can bond over would be nice.

 

I don’t feel sad. I feel like another chapter in my life is closing and a new one is about to begin. Things happen for a reason and it’s up to us to find the bright side in things because life’s job is to challenge us into thinking there isn’t one. But there is.

There always is.

Taking The Horse To The Water

Yesterday was a day, let me tell you.

My girlfriend had been acting weird all weekend. Well, not weird per say, different. Have you ever been so close to someone that you even know what tone of voice they text in? That you pick up real quick when they aren’t texting how they usually text. Well, yeah, her tone in voice changed while we messaged each other over the weekend. I really didn’t know what was going on until she told me she needed to talk to me.

At first it was pretty normal. Ok, not normal. She said she felt alone. I tried to understand her since she did move into a new place away from her family all on her own. I have been going over almost every single day after she was off work, if we didn’t see each other then we would go out to eat. So I was trying to understand why she felt that way. But that wasn’t the actual reason as to why she was feeling that way.

There was a get together for her church (Jehovah Witness) on Saturday. One of the members is moving and they made her a little going away party. I knew about it since my mom went also. I was invited to go by my GF because she said that it wasn’t religion related and she knows I don’t want any part of it. But still. everyone there formed part of the religion I didn’t want to be part of, not to mention all the question I would get since of my recent disappearance from that organization.

What was bothering her? She said she felt lonely there because I wasn’t there by her side. She explained to me how nice it would have been if we could have spent all that time together with everyone else. She said she didn’t want to be married and be at church by herself, that she didn’t want me to be sitting on the couch saying “take care” as she left for church every Sunday. Then I finally understood why she felt the way she felt.

I knew this was going to be an issue from the very beginning. Religion. God Dammit. For reals. Before we decided to get back together I specifically told her that I wasn’t gong to go back to the religion. I told her that I didn’t want any part of it, and if she still wanted to be with me than that was cool but she was the one that was going to suffer if she thought other wise.

I told her that she was allowed to feel that way. Her feelings are super valid, I’m not saying shes wrong. But she can not put the blame on me leading her on or thinking that by being with her I was going to go back. I also told her that if that’s the way she thought that this was not going to work out.

I can’t be the person she wants/needs me to be. She wants someone to pray with her, she wants someone to be as spiritual and close to God as her, but that is not me. I told her that, that person is gone. He was never real, and being that person hurt me so much. I feel so good right now. I have no reason to go back. Why would I go back to a place where all I felt was pressure and manipulation, not to mention how used I always felt.

I was very transparent when we first talked about getting back together. I really like her. Aside from being super religious shes one of the most humble, noble, and beautiful girls I have ever met. Of course I want to be with her. But I also want her to be happy, and if I can’t provide what she is looking for then she has to suffer a minor heartbreak now so then later in life she can find some one who can give her what she really wants.

Because there is no way I am going back to that religion. I know that I change my mind a lot, I know that I go back on a lot of things that I say. And maybe one day I will go back, who knows? But right now, at this moment, I can even say that for the rest of the year, I have no plans of going back.

In the end, after I told her all that I could, she said that she still wanted to be with me. But she was still going to nudge me to go back. That’s fair. If that’s what she wants to do that’s find. But like I told her, you can’t make anyone believe anything you believe if they don’t want to believe it.

You can take the horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink. Shit, you can fucking bring the water to the horse, you still can’t make him drink.

My Priority

Relationships are hard to maintain. I’m talking about all of them. Not just romantic ones.

My friend group mainly consists of females. I have a couple of guy friends here and there and if I was going out I would mainly choose them. With my female friends we usually see each other in groups and don’t text every single day. I love them and even though we only see each other at least once a month we all know that we are there for each other and we still have that strong bond of friendship there between us.

Now that I am dating, a female, I should add. This sort of has to change. My time is more for my girlfriend now. I’m not saying I’ll forget my friends. I’m just saying that if my GF would like to hang out and do something, she is now my main priority. Its not like we’ve been dating for just some weeks. I’ve known her for years and I have been dating her on and off for almost a year now.

I understand how this could leave my other friends feeling with a sense of abandonment. Here I am always at my friends feet ready for what ever they need, always available for what ever event they have planned. Want to go out and grab a bite? Sure I’m there. But now its different. I don’t walk alone. I have a significant other I have to think of. If I feel the relationship is going somewhere I am the type of person to invest even more time in that relationship.

She is the same. Her friend group mostly consists of guys. One of the things that I really like about her is that she gets along with every one, but very girly girls seem to get on her nervous. Plus she’s more out doors too, and active. So she has a lot of guy friends.

When we started dating the first time back in the beginning of the year I saw how she distanced herself from some of her guy friends. Not as much as to not speak to them anymore, but more out of respect for me. Later on, we all came to discover that one of her friends that later became a friend of mine actually wanted to get with her. I saw it from a mile away but she didn’t. Get my point?

I’m not saying that people with opposite sexual preferences can’t be friends.  They can, it has worked. I’m just saying its very possible that the relationship that those two individuals hold may become more than  just a friend ship without either of the two parties knowing about it.

If this is all too complicated, you can blame my brain because obviously somethings loose up in there.

I just wish that some friends would understand that just because we don’t communicate ever single day, that doesn’t mean that the friendship is over. We can still chat from time to time, even go out to eat and talk for a bit.

But I am with some one now. My priority is them. That is how I think.

Not to mention all the other random things I have going on in my life right now. Give me a break, I am only one person and I can only divide myself into so many people.

Freedom

Freedom can only be described by the people who have felt it. It comes in many ways. You can be freed from a person, people, or even a thing. Some people are so privileged to never have the need to want freedom. They just have it.

I knew freedom once I left my ex religion.

My girlfriend is going to know freedom once she moves out of her family’s house.

Even though her father was just recently baptized as a Jehovah witness, he doesn’t bring much charm in representing the religion.

He’s very manly. He’s one of the most macho of men you will find. I mean the dude has a mustache, need I say more? He has a strict rule that she can’t be out after 8pm. “His house his rules” type of shit. Which I respect, sure it’s your house, don’t agree with your rules, but there’s not much I can do if it’s your house. He also found out that we’re back together. If he didn’t like me before when I was in the religion, he for sure doesn’t like me now that I’ve left.

When she told her father that she was moving out and she found a nice studio apartment she could afford, he flipped his lid, he had a cow, he was mad.

He said, “you just want to move out so you can be with him!”

Um, no duh you dumb rat. Obviously if she lives there and she can’t do the things she wants to she’s going to leave. Why don’t parents understand this? Yes love your kids, yes by all means protect them. But once they are of age, once they are allowed to make their own decisions, and as long as it’s nothing against the law or damaging anyone, why not let them do what they desire to do? It’s their life.

To add on, or make this story more juicy than it already is, he told her that even though she’s going to have her own place, she was still not going to be allowed to see me.

That’s odd. He thinks he has control over her even when she isn’t living there with him? What type of logic is behind this? Somebody explain.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about this and she said that he probably meant that because she’s still in the religion and I am not, that there was no way our relationship would work. Many people would be against it. I know, we’ve talked about it. We have a mutual respect her and I. Don’t ask me to go and I won’t ask you to leave. It’s been working great for the past month. I don’t have trouble with it and she doesn’t either. I know problems can arise later on, but there is no perfect relationship. I’m not looking for one either. Plus, I’m always one to resolve issues when others want them resolved.

Her mother called my mom today telling her that her husband is not going to help her daughter financially in any way if she ever asks for it.

It’s nice to see the Christian love of this family isn’t it?

Of course my mom being the badass savage mother that she is (love her) told her that she didn’t have to listen to everything her crazy ass husband said. (Not in those words specifically but you know). She told my mother that either way she was going to help her daughter with anything she could regardless of what her husband said. My mom agreed and said she would to. Her being my girlfriend of course I am as well.

I’m excited for her to move. I’m excited to spend more time with her. I’m excited for us to be able to go out, with out her always having to check her phone getting anxious about getting home in time. I’m excited to be around her more often. I’m excited to go on cute dates with her. I’m excited to make her fall in love with me. I’m excited to fall in love with her.

Its Not Cheating, It’s Just Sex

Do you trust your significant other? Do you trust yourself? When does the term cheating start to apply to you? Maybe if you’re seductively looking at someone else who is not your partner? Is it talking to someone who is not your wife or husband through text messages and phone calls while you start to catch feelings? Or are you the type of person who doesn’t consider cheating until it’s something sexual? Perhaps you have the mentality that it’s not even cheating if there’s no romantic feelings involved, it’s just sex.

Last year I met a guy. Young, about the same age as me. We had a lot in common. I was in this religion that dictated every single aspect of your life just as he was. Your sexuality included. I was confused ever since I was little about it. But it seemed to me that he had more of a grip of who he was.

He married a woman. I was amazed I had come across someone who felt like me. I asked him how he did it. He said he loved her. He said he loved being with her. Then I asked him, then why are you on this app?

Are people just that unfaithful now? Do they have no standards? Is that the new norm?

I asked him if he made a mistake. He said no. Then why do you look outside for more when you have what you need at home?

I wrote about him on my blog a year ago. He didn’t tell me he was married until long into our conversations. When I found out I felt sick to my stomach. He was a murderer, and I was an accomplice. An accomplice that didn’t even know what was happening.

I understand more about people’s sexualities now that I’m coming to terms with mine. But if you like men and woman. By all means do what you must. But if you marry one or the other, respect them. They deserve it. If you’re going to do stuff behind their back, leave. They deserve someone who will love them unconditionally and faithfully. Not you.

He messaged me a week ago. He told me that his wife was going to be out of town for a week and he’d really love if I’d go over and ‘hang out’. Right away I told him no. I had this sort of anger towards him now. I told him I got back together with my girlfriend. Not to mention he’s fucking married, which is why I stopped talking to him in the first place.

I told him I didn’t know how he does it. I could never. He asked me “what?”, as if he didn’t understand.

“Be a cheater,” I told him.

His words were, “I’m not cheating, it’s just sex.”

I ended the conversation with, “that’s not what your wife would think if she knew.”

I may lie sometimes, I may be moody, I may even do things that are questionable, but I’m not gonna cheat. I have a big heart full of loyalty, and I’ll be cocky about it, ask my friends and family. You’ll never find someone more loyal then I.

What is cheating for me?

Cheating is when you take away time from the person you are in a relationship with, and you give it to someone else. Weather it being through messages, phone calls, in person, or even sex. Your significant other should come before your friends, doesn’t mean you love them any less.

Don’t cheat. Don’t.

Over Protective

I’ve had relationships that have lasted less then two weeks but felt like years. I’ve had long distance relationships, and I’ve had relationships that I didn’t even want to be in. But the one I’m in right now is by far the one that beats the rest on so many levels.

This thing that I have going right now is insane. First I had issues with her expressing herself the way I wanted her too. For me that was a deal breaker, but I stayed. I really liked her, even still. But now this, her family getting involved. A little too over involved.

Ok, I get it. Sometimes the family likes to get involved when their daughter or sister is dating the new guy. I’d understand if they didn’t know who I was, or didn’t even know my mom. But they know her and they know me. What more do they want from me? I treat her well, I am respectful towards her, and I don’t ask if her anything that is inappropriate.

Her father is very over possessive. I’ve actually never seen a father like this. The girl is twenty and still needs permission to leave the house. She still has a curfew and technically can’t leave the city without her parents. This irritates me to the core!

Her mother told her today that she’d like for her to text me less, call me less, and see me less. Um hello? How the hell are we supposed to date? Let alone get to know each other? Can a parent explain? I treat her parents with the up most respect that my bones can handle and they still find me untrustworthy.

I wanted this to work, I thought it was, and she was finally putting her part into making it work too. But now her parents are getting in the way. Am I doing something wrong? Why are they so over protective? Am I the issue here? I’m a magnet that attracts problems in what ever I do.

Jealousy

When I was young, and my mother told me I would be having a little brother, I was very excited. I had been an only child for six years and even though I had a very creative imagination I still felt having someone around would be fun. But it wasn’t till my brother was born when things started to changed.

I felt as if the attention had gone to him. Which technically speaking it had. He was a baby after all and they do require more time to be spent with them. That didn’t stop my little kid brain to think I was being replaced. I felt an immense sense of jealousy. Not only because my parents focused their time and attention to my brother but other people too, family members or friends, they all wanted to see the baby. Maybe they should have taken my feelings in consideration, or maybe I was out of line.

Last year, a similar thing happened to me. Me and my best friend had a great friendship. We talked about everything, we joked and laughed and we’re open just about anything. It was a friendship like no other. We were really close. What happened? My jealousy. I would get upset if he would go out with other friends. I would get mad when he wouldn’t be able to hang out. I would get frustrated every time he would be doing something instead of just doing random things with me.

That jealousy drove us slowly away. My mistrust and jealousy and his annoyance towards me drove a wedge between us. It wasn’t till the end of last year when we finally made up.

Now that I have been in a relationship for a couple of months I see it again. I have an issues with jealousy. Or do I? My girlfriend has a male friend that she swears she sees him as her “little brother”. The way I feel towards him has became more than jealousy. Almost hate. I’ve never felt such a huge feeling of dislike for a person like this before.

They have many things in common. More then her and I. He always wants to be around her, saying how much of a good friend she is. He tries his best to make her laugh, and usually succeeds. So am I jealous? Yes. Do I have the right to be? Most people would say yes and then the other half would say no. I think I do. How would you feel if your significant other was laughing and having a great time without you with someone else the same sex as you?

“I trust my significant other”, “and they come home to me.” Yes I’ve heard it all before. Sure you can trust as much as you want but no one is perfect. Of course they go home to you because they live there and they have to , but after they’ve done what? And been where? I can see a hint of trust issues here as well.

I’m really scared of getting hurt again. This time it’s different. This time I actually want this. In all my past relationships even though I liked them and enjoyed them I always knew they would end and it didn’t bother me. Now, I don’t want it to end, I want it to last.