I Am A Fox

The Fox.

I have a weird obsession with this animal. Any and everyone who is close to me knows how much I love the Fox. Most of them believe that I like this animal simply because it is orange. And to some extent, that does have something to do with it. But it is not the main reason. Let me tell you in depth why I am so drawn to the Fox.

Like I said it did have something to do with the color orange. (It is my favorite color by the way). How did that become so? It started when I was little. I clearly remember back in school when I was just a tiny little nerd. Maybe in kindergarten or even in the first grade. Your favorite color was like your identity. What defined you was; your name, your favorite color, and some random hobby. Different from today (your job, your car, your house. Kid times were the best times).

I remember, boys liked blue, girls liked pink, and there was always that one weirdo that liked black, (no offense to my emo friends). But mainly the blue and pink group were the biggest groups. Even as a little kid I didn’t want to be placed in a group. (Choosing to be part of some thing is different then being placed in it).  I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out. Why did I have to be just like everyone else? Then I met Orange.

The color Orange is a color that pierces through your eyes without asking for permission.  It’s strong and bright, it screams courage. It’s always alert, but never afraid.

I liked that. Always alert, but never afraid. The more shades of orange I found the more I began to like it. There was a shade of orange for all my feelings, mix it with red or yellow and you get an even better different forms of orange. I was not like the boys who liked blue, nor was I like the girls who liked pink. I liked Orange. (Maybe I was the weirdo?).

During elementary school one of my cousins used to baby sit me. She was one of those cool teenage girls that had straight A’s but yet hung out with all the cool kids at school, and made them look good. I know, the early 2000’s were something else. She gave me this huge book about animals. A through Z. It had the picture of the animals at the top, and right below it, it had all these fun facts and information about that animal.

The book was amazing. The pictures were great. I remember that I would flip through that book so much that it started to wear out. I came across the tiger. Orange stripes. Cool enough. Orange nonetheless. I learned a lot about tigers at an early age. In the fourth grade that was the only thing I would talk about. Tigers. I even did a report on them in my first year of middle school.

There was something off about the tiger. I liked it yes, but some times I just didn’t connect to it.  Then in middle school I went above and beyond what Nature classified animals as and I tried to relate to them on a human level. (I know, humans, always looking for more than what there already is).

The tiger is said to be one of the most powerful wild cats in the jungle. They didn’t give it the tittle King of the Jungle for any small reason. I already knew that this animal had great strength. The tiger itself represents strength, power, and bravery.

Have you heard of the saying, “never wake up a sleeping tiger”? Well, there is a reason. I think you can imagine.

I lost interest of this creature once I started to notice its monstrous ways. The eyes of a tiger alone can make its prey run up a tree. Did I really want to relate to an animal like that? I know many MANLY BROS would be like, “hell yeah bro, tiger all the way bro, bravery this bro, strong that bro, courage blah blah bro bro bro.” But like, why?

We have all been tigers in our lives here and there. That doesn’t mean we had to stay there. There are many Chinese and Japanese stories about how the human needs the spirit of the tiger at times in life just to survive. I love reading those stories. But that’s why the tiger was not the animal for me.

Then I found the Fox.

Of course I had known some of the fox characteristics before from the book that I was given. But nothing in great detail. Then my great venture began. I hit gold! There were many species of foxes out there. Just like tigers, not all of then came in orange. The red fox (even though its orange as hell in my opinion) is my favorite. The arctic fox comes in a close second, because it reminds me of innocence.

What is it about the Fox that drew my attention? The fox in the wild can not rely on its strength or even its ferociousness, because it doesn’t have any. To many, a fox can seem week, even pathetic, helpless animal. It’s prey doesn’t consist of large animals. It mainly hunts birds, rabbits, and eats any small fish, crabs, some fruits and some vegetables.

This animal, even though it seems harmless is great at avoiding getting hunted. The fox has to manage its way around predators like the wolf, bobcats, and other animals depending where the fox is located geographically. As if it isn’t enough it also has to be on the look out for human hunters.

It has to outwit these predators to stay alive. That’s what I like about the fox. So why did I find and interest in an animal that seems like it is at the bottom of the animal kingdom pyramid? In the native american culture the fox is one of the highest respected animals. It is known for being smart and devious. (It has to be, I mean its going up against these savage killers with powerful strength). It’s also know for knowing the right path to take when everyone else is lost and can’t find direction.

In my life, I’ve had many types of predators. Wolfs, bobcats, hunters, so to speak. I have not won any battle by the strength of my fists like a tiger would have. My battles, fights, and obstacles have been outwitted by the mere capacity of my brain.

In this world of Tigers, Wolfs, Bobcats, and Hunters.

I am a FOX.

;

She was wearing all black sitting in an old 90’s Toyota with the windows rolled down on a hill looking towards the city she grew up in. She cried with pain for how her life turned out, not how she pictured it when she was young. The words her brother in law had spoken to her earlier, do us a favor and kill yourself, rang in her ears. They echoed but instead of loosing momentum the words only got louder, and they only dug deeper. She knew that everyone else knew she wasn’t ok. But they didn’t do anything to save her. So she sent her good bye text messages to the people she loved and she thought loved her as minutes later she ran a blade down her thin innocent wrists.


Coming home from a long day at work all she wanted to do was take some pain pills and go to sleep. Her diabetes was not doing well for the day and her feet were swollen. The new dog one of her daughters had just gotten her peed all over the place, but before she could scream at it she noticed her phone was full of missed calls. She called back one of her daughters, the one who had called her more than fifteen times. She lay in bed as her daughter explained how her husband got in a fight with her sister, or in her case her daughters, and he had said mean things to her knowing she was bipolar. Immediately she arose not worried about how tired she was. Not concerned about the piss all over the floor. She just got in her truck and searched for her daughter. This wasn’t the first time this daughter ran off this way. She worked along side her daughter at the same job every day, but today she didn’t see her. That should have warned her. Her daughter left the house as soon as she turned eighteen, she moved in with her older sister. An older sister that let her husband bad mouth her bipolar sister who had a history of depression. She searched everywhere and after hours of looking she almost lost it when she received a good bye message from the same daughter she’d been looking for.


Patrolling the streets isn’t an easy job. Specially at night. He gets an unusual call from dispatch saying there is a suicidal young adult near his location. He has nothing else to do so he checks it out. As soon as he gets there he calls for an ambulance back up. He runs to his patrol car and grabs his first aid kit which he would usually only use if he was wounded, but a life was at risk. The paramedics take over once they arrive. Soon she’s rushed to the hospital.


He’s been dating her for a while now. They met at work, the same place where her mother works yet she does not know they are dating. So arriving at the hospital were he was informed that his girlfriend was taken after an attempted suicide and seeing her mother there was extremely awkward. He knew her bipolar history but he never got to witness an episode while they dated. He was shocked and didn’t know what to do or say to console the mother right after finding out they were dating.


Now they all sat in the waiting room for hours. Waiting for her to wake up. But she didn’t. So they had nothing else to do but to go back to work awaiting a call that she had risen from the darkness she had fallen into. Their coworkers asked what was going on they seemed anxious and always kept checking their phones, but they only told the few they trusted.

I was one of them and this is their story.

If you know someone who is going through something similar to this, please don’t hesitate to help. I took this story very personal. I’ve been through this. I’ve seen the effect it does on a person. And all I wished for was help. A hug, or even a sincere conversation with someone to make me feel like I mattered.

If you’re the one going through this please remember that people love you but sometimes they don’t know how to show it or don’t even know how. You are important. You matter. And remember, one day that feeling will pass and you will feel so much better than you do now.