This Is Life

Just when I think life is going great, it likes to remind me that it still has a sense of humor. What would we be with out a little help from life when we feel like we are on cloud nine?

So, in my last post I said how I felt everything was (is) going great in my life right now. I don’t think that I am at my prime, but I am very content with how things are going. Friday though, I got a little reminder that this life is no fairly tale.

I was going to pay my bills when I noticed I didn’t have any money. Yikes, I know. Money, money, money, don’t you just hate it? Without it you can nearly not do anything. It doesn’t buy happiness but it sure does pay the bills, am I right?

Well, turns out they stopped my Unemployment benefits for about a month. I don’t know why, and I don’t even remember getting a notice saying they were going to do so, that’s the government for you.

Anyways I reopened my claim. I have a feeling it was probably something I did or didn’t do. I did get a notice that I didn’t have to be reporting that I was looking for work anymore because I was going to school but I most likely still needed at least one more week of reporting before that took in effect. I hope that’s the case and this gets resolved as fast as it can be. In the end if it doesn’t I’ll just have to look for a part time job.

I am very proud of how I’m handling this situation. The old me would have freaked out, possibly had a minor anxiety attack. How am I going to pay my bills? How am I going to pay for gas to go to school? Social life? All these things did pop up in my head. But this time I sat myself down and thought, this isn’t the end of the world. You don’t have money, you’re not dying. Looking back at my past experiences and seeing how I was so worried and in most cases nothing really happened, I really saved myself the worry this time.

The thing about looking at a problem is not worrying about it, of course, you’re not going to just brush it off your shoulder like it doesn’t mean anything, no. What I mean is that you are going to look past it and find a solution. That’s what I did. I reopened my claim. If that doesn’t work then I’ll get a part time job.

I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle of worry and anxiety. I want to get up, look up, and be strong and move on from whatever problem I face. Because this is life, and there are going to be tons of problems, its how I see them and over come them that makes life great.

Insignificant Week

Last year during this exact weekend I was on a road trip with two of my good friends. Sadly I had a falling out with one of them. We tried to fix our issues and we did, but that still doesn’t make us the best of friends, we’re still very much distant. It is nice remembering those times. I love road trips. I haven’t been on one in a while and it makes me feel trapped.

If you live in America (USA) you know that today is Memorial day. Since it is a national holiday here most people have the day off. Which is great. I did too. Since I will be out of a job in a couple of months I decided to take my vacation now. I had acquired four days and I decided to put them in this week to complete a full week off.

There hasn’t been much work at my job lately. I was off for two days last week because of that. So I thought I might as well put in a full week and get paid for it. Our boss told us that it is only going to get slower. For me, I don’t mind it. As long as I get at least four hours of work a day that’s fine. It’s like a part time job.

The issue is that I have nothing to do. I already finished what I was binge watching on Netflix. I did start watching this show called The Society. I’ts honestly really good. It’s about these school kids that go on a field trip or something far away, the night falls and the driver says that they have to go back home because the roads are closed, when they get back, there are no parents, there are no adults, there’s no one. Just them. They try to leave but the roads that lead out of town are now blocked by woods that seemed to have been there forever but weren’t there yesterday. I recommend it.

Also, my best friend is in Cancun these whole week. One of the church elders had invited him last summer. He saved up and I’m pretty sure whatever he wasn’t able to pay for his parents chipped in like they always do. I can’t say that I feel any different about it though. It’s like he’s not even gone. I only see him at church, and when I say see him, that’s exactly what I mean. It’s been weird between us for a while now, not sure what to make of that.

So, there really isn’t much for me to do this week but just chill. The weather is going to be one of the best so far this year. It’s like its mocking me. Maybe I’ll go out and do something for myself. I don’t usually go out alone, but maybe I’ll try it. Mmm no, I know I wont. So, Netflix here I come.

Summer

In case you didn’t know or you’ve been binge watching a show on Netflix, like I have, you haven’t yet looked outside your window or at a calendar and seen that Summer is approaching. Last year my summer was very, epic, (some would say). I had the whole college frat boy experience, without actually going to college, or being a frat boy. There was party week after week. There was “get togethers” , alcohol, and so many other things that I can’t remember because my memory is foggy.

I don’t know about you but for me summer always starts Memorial day weekend. Which is basically a month before “actual” summer starts. Look, I didn’t make the rules, and I don’t really follow them either, but uh, never mind, lost my train of thought.

Anyway, what I am getting at is that I am not ready for summer. All the graduations are coming up. They basically kick off the start of summer. I’m not the most popular of people but I do know people that know people, which gets me an invite to these parties. Parties I do not want to attend. I know that makes me sound like a douche bag but think what you want.

Don’t ask me why I don’t want to go. Stop. I wont tell you. Ok, I’ll tell you. Most of the parties I went last year were “church parties”. And no they weren’t boring. I know the thought of a church party sounds like we sat in a circle and read Bible stories while we asked God to forgive us for having fun. If you think that’s that’s the case, you have a real bad interpretation of religion. Or at least my religion.

They were fun. Nothing crazy, but at the same time it was super chill. I enjoyed them. I went to graduation parties, baby showers, and some parties that really didn’t have a reason but just to have fun and dance. It was a lit time fam. (Eww). But I was different back then. I honestly don’t know who I was. I don’t know who I am now so there’s that too. Where was I going with this?  I don’t know.

All I’m trying to say I think is that I am not ready for summer. (Think I said that twice now). The going out, the parties, the whole being social aspect of it. It just bugs me. I know maybe I’ll change my mind later and come back writing about being the center of attention, but for now that’s where my state of mind is at the moment.

My best friend is acting weird. The Elders in my church want me to be someone they think I want to be, I need to look for a new job, my mom is concerned that I’m not mentally stable, and my friends outside of church still believe I’m that rebel that did all those crazy outrageous things last year. Who is going to tell all these people that they are wrong? Not I. When I do tell them that I am not that, they will ask what I am and I don’t know.

That’s mainly the real reason behind my not wanting to go to these parties. If I go, I’m exposed to being asked about my “spiritual goals” or awkward questions about my ex, or worse, seeing her there and having to speak to her. If I hang out with my non-religious friends they’ll start to think that Party Peter is back, and I don’t want to give them the wrong impression.

So summer, if you’re listening, please postpone your flight. I’m not ready.

 

A Post Never Published

May 24th of 2018

Religión has always been a huge part of my homosexual life.
This past weekend I went to a religious convention for my religion. I’ve always had a hate/love relationship with my church (organization). I’ve grown to hate my self just as much as hate Them. I was so close to death so many times because of this toxic relationship. Yet, there I found myself sitting calmly listing to the preacher diss and humiliate the homosexual community for sinning against god.
I can’t say I disagree on all of their teachings though, I do like some. But, does that make me hypocritical? Because I only chose what I want to listen to and dislike the ones that change me?
The only friend I have that is also in this religion was also there. We haven’t had the greatest communication lately. I thought it was because I had came out to him. He swears he’s been the busiest little bee ever. What do I believe? My little paranoid brain? Or his empty words?
Today is the day I let go. I let go of this pain. If he does not want to be in my life for what ever the reason it may be. Then so be it. I tried to keep him by my side for so long. I’m over it. He will miss me I know that’s a sure thing. I will to. It will hurt but I’m moving on with my life and if he doesn’t want to be part of it there’s not much I can do.

I wrote this post back in May of this year, it was when I was going through stuff with one of my all time best friends. I don’t know what I was going through really, maybe just an episode of pure depression and self loathing. I don’t recall why I never posted it. I was probably hopping for a better outcome.

So what happened with me and this friend after May 28th? I stopped trying. I let go. It was so hard and it really did hurt me not to talk to him. Imagine talking to someone every second of every day for years and then you completely stop.

I saw it coming. We went from telling each other every little detail of every insignificant thing to speaking to each other with one world answers, and finally to not speaking at all. The day I got home from that convention I remember messaging him something and him replying with a, “yup“. That’s when I decided it was over.

I was not going to try to mend a friendship with a person who did not want to contribute to solve the problem. You would think that maybe he would have reached out and ask if anything was ok, but he didn’t. Which only proved my theory to be correct.

So, this whole summer we lived our lives not speaking to each other. Only pretending to be civil in front of others if we ever crossed paths. No one knew the history, no one knew the secrets.

But during Labor Day weekend everything changed. I went to the beach with some friends and he went along as well. Some how we ended up talking. Nothing serious, just making jokes and laughing about simple irrelevant things. The day was a blast and we both had fun.

The next day he messaged me;

“Thank you for sticking with me. I’ve been such a dork and dumb friend that I couldn’t see that my stubborn personality was pushing us apart. I have let that part of me go for the sake that I can continue to be your friend. So thank you for not giving up on me. Sorry for being petty and reckless to a point where I almost ruined what we had. And I know that just cuz i said that won’t make us go to what we were just like that. But I’m here for the long haul so I’ll do whatver it takes to get back to where we need to be.”

I wasn’t expecting him to say these things. Yes, I’d stop talking to him but I never showed him any hostility. Whenever I’d see him at church gatherings I would always say hi. Not because I was over it, but because I wanted him to think I was. I missed his friendship.

We talked a for a bit after that. Things had settled. Feelings had subsided. Was it just time apart that we needed for our friendship to grow back to how it once was?

What ever it was, now we are back at it again. Friends. I don’t know about him, but I’ve changed as the person this summer. I take care of my feelings more, I’m more outspoken, I’m not scared to lose people like I once was, and the best of all, I don’t need anyone but myself to make me happy.

I Don’t Want To Be Boring

I’m sitting at work currently day dreaming of a better place. I know in my last post I was talking about living on the beach. The thing is that I feel like I need change in my life. I have been doing the same routine for a while and I’m feeling bored.

Its most likely just me. But still, do you wake up every morning ready to go do the same boring shit every day? That’s what I feel I do. I know I shouldn’t be complaining and technically I’m not, I’m just venting, a lot of other people would love to be doing what I do or at least be in the position that I am now.

But, is it wrong to want change? Is It wrong to want to be doing something different? I want to learn new things and go to unfamiliar places. Is it wrong to want to aspire to be more than what I am now?

Most people would most likely say that I should go back to school and get a degree and work hard to get an excellent job and live life like everyone else on this planet. But, dude like did you even read what I just wrote. I don’t want to be boring!

Not that my life is that boring, it’s really not but the day to day, work, and everything in between is just so bland. I need adventure, I need excitement, I need change.