Life/Voice

Where are you taking me?

I know I can’t ask much from you, though I have never really asked for much in the first place.

I feel like right now I am in a state between knowing what I have to do and not knowing at all what I should do.

I feel as if I am swimming. At one point it feels as though I am moving along with the water and it feels free and liberating, I almost make no movement while I float on and let the waves carry me where ever they want. But then once I notice, the waves are only taking me to sharp rocks with thousand feet water falls filled with sharks at the bottom ready to devour what ever drops down, that’s when I know I have been tricked.

I know that geographically speaking this is impossible, but its possible in my head. It happens. If I swim against the current I get weak and my body aches, my head starts throbbing and I can barely breathe. Why do I even try? I ask myself, but I do not respond.

Is it that I do not even want to talk to myself? Or is it that at this point there is no sense in speaking to my inner conscience? Has he given in to what life has thrown at him? Settled for less than what he wanted? Gave up on the dream he once had? Is he fading away into the vast darkness he was once running away from?

What do I tell him when he asks why he should keep swimming, when I myself do not have the answer? Should I lie? Should I make him believe in more lies just to keep him going? Because without him, then who am I? We need each other do we not? Or can one survive without that little voice in their head telling them right from wrong. Happy from sad. Everything and nothing.

The little voice in my head is fading, everyday it gets more faint than the day before. Should I be happy? Should I be sad? I tried asking him, but again he did not reply.

I Was (Allegedly) Possessed

I woke up pretty well today. I spend all my weekends at my boyfriends house and since my sleeping schedule is fucked the fuck up really bad I usually wake up before him. I usually just spend my time watching Netflix or some YouTube videos in the meantime.

Today, I watched the Superbowl ads that I missed yesterday. The crazy did’t start until he woke up though. He looked at me with freaked out eyes, as if I had done something horribly wrong (which in a way I guess you could say it was).

According to him, in the middle of the night he was awaken by me. I was laying face up looking at the ceiling, eyes wide open, one hand in the air pointed towards the ceiling. He said I was chanting something or mumbling… well actually his exact words were “you were speaking in tongues”.

At the end of my “speech” or “chant”, I dramatically turn my head (as the ‘possessed people’ do in horror movies) and locked eyes with him. Meanwhile, he said the door was making cracking sounds along with the closet.

(Back to the present). At this point of his story I look at him and laugh. I for real thought he was kidding. I was waiting for him to say that it was just a cruel joke, if it was, that he wanted me to believe that he could make me think that I was possessed by a demon or something.

I asked him if he was joking, which he was not, to what he then added that he thought I was pulling a prank on him in the middle of the night. At the time he didn’t understand it (the joke) but he still thought it was one. But now talking to me and seeing how freaked out I was, then he knew it wasn’t.

We, as uneducated individuals, came to the conclusions that I was possessed and that someone is after me. The End. possessed

Just kidding. Even though we had a good laugh about it in the end I did do my own research. My brother and mom have told me before that I do sometimes talk in my sleep. To add to that I have woken up screaming so there’s that to unload.

I know that it’s not a demon of course (at least I am hoping that it’s not). Like I said at the beginning my sleeping schedule sucks. Its down right horrible. I have been kind of stressed about interning, money, and then other personal things. Plus my eating habits have not been really good as of lately, and that doesn’t really help the situation either.

All these factors can point me into a better understand of why I am talking in my sleep. (Or trying to contact Satan). And the things I should probably change, the habits I need to improve on.

Now, the whole door and closet making noise thing, that. . . that I can’t explain.

2013 Emails

The other day while at school, I decided to clean up my email folders and I found a conversation I had with someone back in 2013.

Just a little back story for you; At the time (2013) I had come to the conclusion that I was gay. I was in a religion that would not accept that, and I was also 17 living with a mother who would give her soul and life for said religion (oh how little has changed).

I searched online for any gay Jehovah Witness, because at that moment in time, I thought I was the only one. Surely there could not be another boy struggling with his sexuality inside a religion out there. I was wrong.

I found the story of this one guy who, after trying to take his life while being in this said religion, decided he was going to start living for himself. I was in tears when I read what he had to go through. His parents were more religious than my mom has ever been, they even had titles in the congregation, they were the perfect Christian family.

Its been a while and if I remember correctly he eventually left the religion once he met his boyfriend and came out to his family. Some left the religion with him and some stayed being and just shunned him and the ones who left, because that’s what they are trained to do.

I emailed him since he left his email at the end of his story, in case anyone needed to contact him. I look back and see how naive I was, and simply lost. At that time I thought my life was over. I felt so alone, so sad, helpless.

Once he emailed me back we started talking on a regular basis. We became friends. But we lost touch, but coming across those emails made me want to cry. They made me want to curl up in a ball and sleep for days. The sense of being alone and helpless rushed over me like a fever. But at the same time I wanted to know how he’s doing.

I emailed him. I still haven’t received a reply. Who knows, he might have changed his email address, or the email could have gone to spam. He might just not even remember who I am, I’m assuming I wasn’t the only one he got emails from back them. Hopefully he replies.

I started to think how different Me in the past and Me in the present are. I wonder what would happen if they were in a room together. The things I would tell my past self. Then I thought about the Me in the future. What is He going to think of the person that I am now? Will I be the same? Will my thoughts and opinions change? Who will I be in the next ten years?

Its a lot to think about.

Get Off My Back

Life is a prankster isn’t It? I feel like It gives you something so then later on It can take it back with pleasure.

I thought this week was going to be one of the most bland weeks of this year to date. I didn’t work all week and my best friend is on vacation. I did not have any plans, but boy, was I wrong! I don’t know where to start. Nevermind I do.

First, my friend. He’s on vacation but he still wanted to keep a line of communication. Sure, that’s cool, I thought. Then he goes off saying that I haven’t been myself for the longest time. OOOOOHHH, don’t even get me started. He mentioned how I have been really distant with him. He even asked if it felt different that he was gone. OK LETS START:

He waits until hes thousands of miles away to bring something like this up? He waits until there’s literally a whole dam country in between us to bring up issues? I just think its so funny, no, actually, its hysterical. Let me tell you why, he only seems to care behind a screen and a keyboard because he would never ask or say anything like that in person.

The reason for me being distant is the fact that I’m not going to sit here and tell him everything that’s going on in my life and what my thoughts and feelings are when he can’t even tell me what you had for breakfast unless I interrogate him like an FBI agent. He had the audacity to ask if anything felt different since he wasn’t in town? UM NO. Everything is exactly the same bro. Nothing has changed. It’s not that we hanged out every other day when he was here, or we spoke at church. What is there to miss? What is there to be different? We are still messaging over the phone, for all I know he could just be chilling in his bedroom and not even be on vacation.

I digress, I told him what I was feeling. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. He knew my feelings were valid and because he hates to be wrong he said he really didn’t want to argue with me and would want to save or salvage the remaining part of out friendship. Ok, nice save smart a**. But this is not over. Its not that I want to fight, but I’m the end of my rope here. I’ll tell you exactly what I feel. I can’t do this high school back and forth thing, its about time he knows how he makes me feel, and if he gets offended or hurt that’s on him. I’m tired of complaining about him, aren’t you tired of hearing about him?

In other news, my ex-girlfriend and her mom texted me. I was surprised when I checked my missed calls and so my ex’s name. I thought it must have been a mistake, surely she didn’t have anything else to say to me after months of not speaking to me. I texted her and she replied saying how she needed to know what I still felt about her. Pulled the scab right off didn’t she? I told her that I would always have feelings for her, and it’s true. She was never the issue. It was her parents. They screwed it up pretty bad. I don’t think I want to get back together with her though… yet.

Her mom texted me as well. She has a weird habit of checking up on me. It’s sickening sweet. She wont go two weeks without asking how I’m doing. (Its regret isn’t?) This time she sent me a photo of my ex’s room. In it, there were the balloons I had gotten my ex with all the stuffed animals I had gotten her throughout our relationship. Her mom captioned the photo saying how her daughter still keeps all those things right next to her bed. She even cracked a joke saying how when she buys helium balloons they don’t last a day without falling to the grown, meanwhile the ones I got her more than half a year ago are still floating in the air.

WHAT is going on? Is the universe trying to pull a joke on me? Life? Its taking away my best friend and trying to replace that spot with my ex’s mom and then trying to get me back with her daughter? I’m confused. I have already been through a falling out with this friend before, I don’t need that to happen again. You either stay or you go. Also, I think it’s too soon to get back with my ex. I like her to death but I’m not ready for all the baggage she brings along with her. What if I want to date someone else? I still don’t know if I like guys or girls more? I don’t even know if I need to look into that. I don’t know who I am and life and the universe are freaking asking me that dumb question “please describe yourself and your hopes and dreams.” I really need them to back the hell up and get off  my back.

Is There Such A Place ?

Yesterday after vigorously working on cutting some annoying weeds that grew in our front yard I decided to compensate myself with a nice little drink from Starbucks. There’s no other better way to pat yourself on the back right?

Blasted my music as loud as I could handle while driving there, scratch that, as loud as it went. I was freaking pumped, got my car windows tinted on Sunday and it had been a long time dream I had since I bought the car three years ago. Now since it’s paid off, and I know I’m gonna keep it, I decided to treat myself with that. And I love it.

I didn’t want to get off my car, because I’m socially awkward, so I went a little out of my way to go to a Starbucks that had a drive through. Funny thing though, if you ever got your windows tinted you know that you’re not supposed to roll down your windows. Well, my little dumb soul forgot SUNDAY NIGHT and YESTERDAY NIGHT at the Starbucks. Like wtf.

Any who, after that unfortunate event, I decide to just park and consume my Starbucks while listening to music. It was actually really relaxing. It was drizzling just a bit which made it perfect. I’m honestly tired of how much it’s been raining though. We live in California, it’s not supposed to rain here. I like the cold not the rain. Would like to live somewhere where it’s hella sunny but at the same time the wind gives you goosebumps. Is there such a place?

I don’t know where I was going with this post. Maybe it wasn’t meant to go anywhere. It’s just me rambling about nonsense. It’s all good though. The night ended very well. So that’s what counts.

Loser.

Let’s get something super straight here. I’m a loser. No I’m a Loser with a capital “L”. I’m weird and socially awkward and sometimes I’m super timid and shy and can’t seem to understand how humans interact.

Ok now that we got that out of the way.

It is NOT ok to point that out. Sure, yes I make fun of myself all the time but that’s my way of coping with my issues. Are they healthy? Absolutely not, but it’s better than what I was doing it before. Are there other easier ways? To be honest I have no clue.

Another thing, a cruel thing, is for you to come at me and point out my insecurities. First of all you have no right. Second, what the actual sjfiebdosbd. And third, when it comes from someone that is not me, it feels like an insult, like a personal attack from an outsider. My mind doesn’t process that information correctly because you have no right, as I said, to make fun of my person.

I hate people like that. I’m not making fun of you. I’m making fun of me, so stop. Also, I hate getting called out.

***gets a new hair cut***

Random person one: you trying to model now?

Random person two: ***gives an opinion that was not asked for***

I’m sorry did I ask you to rate my hair? Did I ask you for your opinion before I cut my hair? No, so why the hell do you think I want it now? Bro, if it looks good, tell me, if not then shut up and eat my sock.

I blush easily. It’s one of my pet peeves. BOOOOOY is it ever. I’m pale as a ghost, so just imagine. Someone can say soemthing or no this is better, someone can bring the attention of everyone to me and I will blush. It’s true. It’s worse when they say, why are you blushing? Um I don’t know maybe because I’m a freaking human with emotions?!

I don’t like unwanted attention. I feel like I can get a lot of amens on that. But even when I want the attention I still blush. It’s a never ending cycle of hate.

You know what? I don’t know why I even started talking. This is when I know I’ve said to much. Just had something on my chest and now it’s off and I feel great so good night, peace, I’m out .


Latest YouTube video