Have you ever just been chilling at home, and then suddenly your mind wonders off to a far away distant dimension that’s parallel to the life that you’re living now but only with small differences?
Wow, ok let me simplify that just a bit.
So, you ever wonder how different your life would have been if you did just one thing different? If that one decision you had, the no you said turned into a yes, or the job you didn’t take you took? Where would you be now? What if you had stayed with your first girlfriend/boyfriend? What if you hadn’t moved to that new city you feared so much? Or what if you did take the chance and had moved away from home?
I’m constantly thinking about that stuff. I don’t know if it’s healthy or not, but I’m always living in the what if of life.
What if I just quit my job? What if I just run away? Start a new life? Leave everyone behind? Change my phone number, move somewhere else? Ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but you get the picture.
There are a lot of what ifs that I have floating in my head that could have potentially have changed my life drastically in the past. Maybe even now they still could. But that’s the thing with what ifs, that’s all they are. Thoughts, dreams, a picture that slowly fade away with time until you forget about them.
Why do you give yourself to people you know will end up hurting you in the end? Why do you instill all your trust in them as if they had a good reason to have it?
Why do you sit there and cry over things that maybe don’t have any meaning behind. You over think things and make them worse.
Then you come to find out it’s not even what you were thinking about. Why? Why do you do that?
Why do you hurt yourself? Is it for fun or to numb the feelings that you feel inside? Maybe it’s to just pass the time. Why do you hide that hurt like it’s something to be ashamed of?
You’re not ok, why do you bother? Get help. Wait, they don’t help. They’ve tried but it’s not enough. What is enough? Why do you make excuses? Just do it. It’s honestly really annoying. Time after time you always say you’re doing great then randomly say you have anxiety.
Attention is what you seek. Let’s be real. Everyone can see it. It’s written all over your face. You say all you want is love but what you seek is something else.
You need to stop expressing yourself like that. No one wants to hear it anyway. They’re just being nice.
Another relationship you burst into flames because your gasoline tears smothered the foundation of that relationship. I think your bipolar. You shouldn’t date, just stay alone. At least that way you can say it’s by choice and not that your exes say you’re hard to deal with.
But any who, who am I to advise. I’m the same way.
Have you ever sat down and thought about your past? Maybe it’s random and you’re not really trying to think about it, but you think back to the person you were in the past. Like for example, the things you did and the people who you used to spend your time with. All the places you used to go with them or even the places you planned on going, but never actually did. All those crazy nights and all the drinking. I do, and I regret it.
I look back at part of my past and ask myself, who the hell was that guy? I swear I don’t know him. If anyone would tell me or remind me about the crazy stuff I did last year I wouldn’t believe them. And it was last year!
But why? In today’s society being loud and crazy is the new normal. Being outrageous and spontaneous is something that people expect from you. If you’re not, then you are considered weird or even antisocial. But I’m finished with that lifestyle.
The thing that scares me though, is that my past might come back and haunt me, or is startinng to. That’s why sometimes I wish I could close those tabs, erase the past off my life like pencil on paper, or delete the pictures I have and with that too some how delete those moments. But no matter how hard I try to forget the things I did and said, I still did them, I still said them, and they are out there. Some day they will arise and I will have to explain myself. I will have to find the correct words to describe what was going on inside my head.
At the end of last year I started a new life. A cleaner more honest life. I am happy, I like it and I want to continue in it. But sometimes its hard thinking back to when I was a different person. The things that I did and said back then I wouldn’t even think about them today.
But they haunt me. I guess the moral of the story is, make sure that the things you do now, aren’t things you will regret later. Or even the things that you say, those things get engraved in people’s hearts. And they will be quick to throw it back at your face. “Oh, but that one time you said,” is what they’ll say. And what will you tell them?
I sit on my bed while I listen to soft R&B music. My mother is in her room tired from the walk we took earlier. I’ve taken two shots of vodka from one of the four bottles I hide in my closet. They’ve been collecting dust ever since I stopped clubbing and going out to parties. Today I figured I’d do some lite dusting.
Three months ago I bought a ticket for a rave (music EDM festival). Four hours ago I drove one of my best friends along with one of his friends with the ticket I had purchased for myself. Only I didn’t go in with my ticket. His friend did.
After having a huge fight with the friend who invited me to the rave we broke up the friendship and I was set to go alone. But my other friend swooped in and bought a ticket to go with me. Then my moms surgery came out of the blue and there was no way I’d leave her alone. So I gave my ticket to him to invite someone so he wouldn’t go alone.
Things change so much in such a short period of time. I really wish I could have gone. It would have been a blast. But maybe there will be a next time. Or maybe there won’t be. Who knows.
So many things have happened this year and it’s not even the end yet. I used to have a boring life and I thought I hated it. Now I cherish those endless nights of boredom. Those friendless Friday nights.
But at the same time I am also thank full for experiencing it all.
Last Wednesday I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. We had a long four hour talk. She’s doing well, I’m doing ok. Life moves on weather you are in or out of people’s life’s.
I told her how I don’t know where I stand on my sexuality. Am I gay? That’s what I thought my whole life. Am I bi? I’ve fallen for the prettiest girl in my eyes. It’s another who knows situation. But maybe we’ll find out soon.
Now, I’ll get comfortable in my bed as I take my last shot of the night and sleep a good nights sleep and wake up for what ever life has in store for me for the rest of the year.
I’m sitting in a target parking lot. I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m highly stress, but I refuse to to let anyone know. I refuse to step down from where I am and say that I am not ok. I refuse to have people pity me and feel sorry for everything that is going on in my life.
My mother goes into an intensive ten hour surgery this Friday. It has high risks and it also has benefits. Not to mention her car just broke down today.
Life is testing me. I will not break. I am strong. I refuse to cry. I am not weak.
I’ve been through so much that this just seems like another hill. I’m not cocky, this is not confidence. This is me telling myself that I can do it. That whatever this is will soon be over. Good or bad it will have I happen and I will have to move on.