I Want To Know The Actual Truth

steven-weinberg-quote-lbw3m7r

I saw this quote the other day. I was watching a YouTube video about what the difference between religion and and actually knowing God or Jesus was.

I have to take a moment to stop before I continue, I know that my blog has been centered around religion a lot lately. I didn’t mean for my blog to go into that type of direction, but I am glad that it has. I know I am not the only one out there that questions how religions all depict God and their form of worship. Plus, as rude as it may sound, I say this in the most respectful way that I can, this is my blog so I can write what ever I want. And this is the matter at hand that is going on in my life at the moment so I need to talk about it, for me. If it helps others, than I’m glad it did that’t great.

Any who, (that was long). But continuing on from before, I have been watching a lot of videos on religion. I’ve been doing a lot of research. I can’t seem to move on. I feel like I have been robbed of years of my life.

All my life I was in a religion I didn’t want to be in, but I was told it was the only way and the only Truth. Now, discovering that it is not in fact so, I will never be able to get those years back. I’m processing that still, and it may take some time and I think that’s ok. I have accepted that for myself.

The video that I saw was a guy explaining how he is Christian but yet he does not belong to any religion or any church. Religion was made by man, he stated. Which is true. I can go out there today and just start a new religion, call it what ever I want, and say that it’s the actual true religion. What I liked, or what really made me understand where he was coming from and I could relate with, because I have tried and proved this myself which is; religion is a form of changing and modifying your personality to the way the church or that religion wants you to be. You have to be someone that the church tells you to be if you want to remain part of it, and they back it up using Bible texts, but what does the Bible actually say?

What ever Bible you pick up you can find that this dude named Jesus said that all you had to do is to believe in him. All you had to do was be grateful that he gave His life for all of our sins. After this all religions start interpretation what the Bible says regarding every single aspect of life differently.

Why do I like the quote from above? Well, as it says, the good people will continue to be good, evil people will continue to be evil. What really gets me is the last line.

“For good people to do evil things, that takes religion.”

What does this mean? I’ll tell you what I was able to get from it. Religion is one of those things that “good people” do, but those good people will do “evil things” and anything that is necessary to protect their religion. Its true. Wars in the past only provide evidence of this. All these believers are willing to kill for land, they are willing to kill thousands of innocent people to keep or defend their religion, even when the Bible says that you are supposed to love your neighbor and not kill. Some religions even say that as long as its for their religion that it justifies their actions.

Not to mention all the people that go out and do hate crimes because they feel as if they are correct and need to do something about it. All because of religion. I’ve met people that do not belong to any church or organization, and they are way more better people than those that go to Sunday service. That doesn’t mean they don’t believe in God or something. They do, they’re just not part of any religion, they try to do their best in life, and most of the time they are so much less judgmental then the rest of those religious going to church all the time people.

No offense to the people that are good and respect everyone and do have a religion to believe in. But if you do have a religion you are willing to die for, why? Are you dying for that religion or for the God that you say you believe in? If that religion tells you to change something about yourself you will do it? What if they tell you that you have to do something that the Bible clearly doesn’t state, but they back up their authority with random texts and say that if you don’t obey its as if you are disobeying God himself.

I’m not saying that I have “found the light”. I’m still searching. I want to discover whats out there, I want to know the actual Truth. What if there is no God? What if it all is science? What if there is God, and there is a plan that in place for the human race? Who is right? Does God really care what religion you are? There are thousands of religions out there that revolve around the same thing, and they only differ on some of their teachings.

Why can’t you just be a good person, respect others, be kind and enjoy as much of life as you can?

Aren’t we all just humans?

Another Surgery

My mom just got home from surgery today. I know, another surgery. This will be the third surgery within three years. I shouldn’t complain because there are people out there that go through way more surgeries than this, and props to them, but I still see first hand the effects that it does on my mom, and its challenging.

She is brave though, I’ll tell you that. She walks in hospitals like its just another walk in the park. Like its just another thing she added to her to do list on that day. I really hope that this will be the last one. She needs a break from them. The human body wasn’t made to be opened up every once in a while, or at all actually.

She’s doing well. Still coming out of the anesthesia. The surgery she had today wasn’t too big. It was two hours or a little longer I think. They had to fix some scar tissue and damaged tissue from her last surgery.

Her last surgery about a year ago was a major ten hour surgery which involved tissue replacement and removal from a part of her stomach to her breasts, since the previous year she had her breast removed to do breast cancer. Last years surgery also involved moving some blood vessels, which is not an easy task for any doctor, seeing as they are complex things caring the very thing your body needs to function, blood

The only down side to all this (which yes, I will sound selfish for a bit but hear me out), is that people form her church will want to come visit her and “give their support”, aka tell her how blessed she is to be alive. Don’t get me wrong, yes I’m happy she is alive and well, its the meaning behind their words that I question, or their reasoning as to why they believe what they believe. 

Since they will be coming to visit I will have to be in contact with them. I haven’t seen any one from church for more than three months now, almost going on to four. I can’t just go hide in my room and pretend that I’m not home. I am civil still.

The thing is, will they ask what I have been up to? Will they even want to know what I have been doing with my life? Will they tell me that I should go back? That they “miss me”? What will I tell them? I want to be honest but I still want to be disrespectful. I believe that you can still keep your integrity without hurting other people, even though sometimes people will take your words and turn them into something that you really never even said, but that is on them at that point.

I hate how this was about my mother and I just went on to turn it around and make it all about me. Isn’t that funny?

Anyways, my mom is doing well for now and that is all that matters.

School/Gym

September is here and this week has already gone by so fast.

 

So, I started school at the begging of the week. Its been nice so far I don’t have any complaints. (I know that I will so stay tuned for those).

The classroom that I am in isn’t filled with a lot of students, which is good. That way the teacher can focus with less of us and spend more time individually with us if she needs to. Speaking of a teacher, I love mine. I am so glad the one that I got is one that cares for her students and wants the best for us. She said that if we go home without even one of us not learning something that day then she feels as if she didn’t do her job correctly as a teacher. That makes me feel like she really cares about getting through to us.

My classmates are pretty nice so far. I haven’t had any conflict with them so we will see how long that lasts (lol). Funny thing, I’m the only guy in the class, which I was concerned with at the beginning but now I have grown to like it.

I know some basic skills that I picked up at my last job. Its crazy, who would have thought that what I leaned at that job was actually going to stay with me till now and possibly the future? Because of that I am, and I’m not bragging, the best in the class so far. I find myself helping my peers around me with what they don’t understand. I don’t mind. It keeps me from forgetting the steps and what not.

As far as I can tell, I really enjoy that class, the teacher, and everyone else in the class. I think that if it keeps going like this it will be an easy ride to the finish line. But I know that it is too soon to tell.

In other news, I got a gym member ship. I know, way to throw that news right out there. I never thought that I would go back but my shins and my knees have been hurting so bad that I decided I needed new form of exercise other than just running. I looked into two gyms and went for the one that would give me a student discount. Ultimately, its a good gym, I say even though I’ve only been there once.

That’s been my week so far. I hope it stays this productive.

I Will Do This

A while ago I told myself I was going to use the time I have right now to write a book. A book based on what I have gone through the past few years. From my sexuality to living a double life while being in a religion like cult. Both of those things still go in hand to hand and still to this day are something I am still coming to terms with.

The thing is, I wasn’t aware that it was something that was so complex. I was watching videos and I also read articles about the processes on how to write a memoir. It’s not an easy process.

I don’t want to give up though. I know that sometimes I can get discouraged very early on in the things that I want to do, but I feel the need to do this. I want to do it first of all for myself.

I have to be really honest here. I am really troubled towards where to even start. I want to tell my story and I want to be as honest as I can be. I want the truth to get out there. I want people to read and feel what I have been through. I want to document all my mistakes that I made. I know that it is my side of the story and its everything that has happened to me but that doesn’t make me any more of a saint or innocent. I made really poor decision in the past too and I want to write about those and maybe someone can learn from them just as I have learned.

The issue is where do I even start? How do I even start? What do I need to talk about? This is the first time I want to do some thing this big. What if no on wants to read it?

I over think way to much. We know that, but right now that I have the opportunity and time to do this I want to take advantage of it.

The only experience I have in writing is this blog that I have had for almost three years. Writing is my passion and I know that I am not the best of it, but maybe some day I will be.

But, I’ll do it. I will do this.

Could We Still Have A Friendship?

I just came back from seeing an old (church) friend that I haven’t seen in a long while. I don’t know how to feel about it.

I miss him. I kind of sort of miss everyone, well not everyone but some. I miss their personalities and their companionship. This friend and I were super close when I was a Jehovah Witness. He was the first one that I told that I was leaving the religion. At the time I told him our relationship wasn’t at its best. Yes, I was mad at him, and yes, I held that grudge for so long.

 

It was nice seeing him again. Talking like there was nothing wrong between us. There really isn’t. I don’t hold anything against him. I don’t. I hope he doesn’t either. We went out to eat and we talked. Laughed. Caught up on things that have gone on in our lives since the last time I saw him. He’s doing well.

He didn’t bring up the subject of religion. He didn’t ask me what I was going to do. I appreciate that. Does it make me a fool to believe we could still have a friendship? Knowing very well that we do not belong to the same religion? That we don’t believe the same things? Or maybe this is an attempt to get me back in there? What if he’s being nice to me in order for me to see that its not all bad? What if that was my Girlfriends plan all along? My mother has been increasingly nice to me. And just this morning my GF’s mom wanted to have lunch with me to “talk”. Am I now just paranoid?

Is this all just a game to everyone? My feelings are all over the place and I don’t even know what to think. First I want to believe that everyone genuinely misses me and wants to be part of my life like they once were. Another part of me looks past all this and looks beyond their kindness and knows that they are trained by their religion to be kind to those who have strayed away in hopes that they will go back. Maybe its a little of both?

I think will my emotion and right now I have a lot of them so I don’t know what to think. All these people say they want the best for me but when I tell them that the best for me is not going back they still insist on me returning.

This is confusing the shit out of me. I don’t like getting ambushed like this.

I feel like I’m complaining that they are being nice to me. I am. If they were rude or disrespectful to me then it would be way easier to pick what side I want to be on. But that’s why this is such a mind game, because they are this way.

Fuck.