School’s Out

I have officially finished school.

Today was the last zoom “meeting” we had with our teacher. It was, the ceremony we will never have, because of COVID.

In all honesty it was rather sad and depressing but what can you do about it, this stupid virus go the best of the world this year and it took lives, events, and peoples plans with it.

I am happy that I finished it though. I don’t know if I am happy that I am done with it or that I actually accomplished it, maybe both. Either way its done.

What’s next for me? Well, I still have one more test to pass to get a certain certification but other than that I can start looking for clerical jobs around my area. I still work part time for my internship that hired me, which I am great full for. But, to have a job closer and it be full time would be better.

What will the rest of 2020 bring us? I feel like we’ve seen enough.

Relationship Plans

If you haven’t seen it yet you will, “new year new me” or even the “new decade new me” that’s going around on social media right now.

To be honest I’ve always hated that. Yes, if you’re going to better yourself go ahead but don’t blame the year that you didn’t achieve your goals, blame your bad decision making skills and don’t feel bad about it, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. It’s part of life and it’s part of growing. Just be sure to learn from them and don’t repeat them.

With that being said, me and my boyfriend talked about where we want our relationship to go this year. Our goals and our plans.

One of our similar goals is moving in together by at least the end of the year. I know that’s a big step and I have only dated him for a short time but when you know you know right? And it’s a plan for the end of the year not next Tuesday.

One of his goals is to pay off some things he needs to pay off. Not a big deal, and I truly wish him the best in bettering himself and fixing what he needs to fix.

One of my goals is coming out to my family. I know, it’s a big one. But I can’t just move in with him without telling my mom. I mean I can, but what am I going to say? I’m moving in with a friend? No, I just don’t want to do that.

We also talked about marriage. It’s a huge step to be talking about in a new relationship like ours but if you don’t talk about it where is your relationship going? Are you dating just for fun? Or where do you want It to go?

I wouldn’t mind getting married to him, that’s actually what I want. I really love this guy and he’s been good to me so far, he makes me really happy and he says I do as well. So if marriage is on the table then I guess we’ll be eating.

We talked about other things, where we would live, how we would live, working, and a lot of other stuff. It was honestly really cute and it gave me a sense of security, this guy really loves me, and it seems like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, isn’t that sweet?

Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic (which I am) but this is going really great, and I really hope it stays that way.

My First Rave

I celebrated ringing in the New Year at a rave. I had a good time with my boyfriend and his friend. But let’s all face it, it’s not my scene.

I didn’t know the music, and honestly I didn’t really understand it. Boom boom this boom boom that, drop here drop there. People smoking in your face, not to mention there is no personal space what so ever. I felt like five people were touching me at the same time all the time. Plus it was so hard to walk through the crowds.

The drinks were super expensive which is probably why people were doing drugs. Oh the drugs! Security was total shit, they didn’t even pat me down, and my boyfriends friend had a bag and they didn’t even care to check it. He didn’t have anything but still, I think I made my point.

I know I may just be paranoid but do you judge me? I mean have you seen the world and how it is? Yes I tried to have fun but it’s just not for me.

I told my boyfriend and he was very understanding, that’s what I love about him. I can talk to him and he understands. Or at least tries to. He said he’s over raves too, the good thing is that he has time to experience them in the past.

Maybe if I knew the artists playing or liked the songs then I would go, but it’s safe to say raves are not for me, and I’m totally ok with that.

Looking Back At A Decade Of ‘Me’

This may just be the last post of this year, and this decade. I hope everyone had a good Christmas with their loved ones and will have a great New Years.

Looking back at this decade and seeing where I began to where I am now, its just insane. To me 2010 was just a couple of years ago. I was only 15 and I was getting baptized in a cult-religion I just left this year. From then on it would be a roller coaster of things to come, some good, and some very oh so bad. But I made it.

2011 came by fast and it was actually a good year for me. Even though I was struggling with my sexuality I still found happy moments during all the chaos. I also dated a girl for the first time ever. Who I really did love very much but ended up breaking up with later in 2012.

In 2013 I graduated high school and I had no plans of going to college. I was not in very good circumstances to have such a privilege. I stayed home taking care of my brother and 4 cousins while my mother worked. It wasn’t the best way to make money but it helped my moms family and ours at the same time.

Then in 2014 I started working at a fast food place that everyone knows the jingle to. Although its not the most, or at all, the desired job to have, I still loved working there and because I did I got to meet the most amazing people that even today I still call friends.

2015 and 2016 are both a big blur. I can’t honestly say why though, there inst much that happened those years. I did buy a car which is really big but that’s about it. I think it is because I was trying to live a happy life with my friends and also trying to please everyone from church at the same time, I probably lost myself for a bit those two years.

In 2017 my mother told us she had cancer and her long process began for survival, which she is still dealing with now. It was a real hard year. I lost touch with many of my friends because I was trying to follow the “Holy Way”.

2018 was also a good and bad year. I think it was more of a good year for me. Other than my mothers second surgery nothing bad really happened. I really got out of my shell that year and started going to clubs, I started drinking as if I needed it to survive, and I met a lot of new people. But during all this I was still the little good church boy and it got exhausting. It was hard partying all night Saturday and coming home at 4 in the morning and then getting up at 8 for Sunday Service.

I had to choose which path to take and I chose the wrong one at the beginning of 2019. I was full on going to be the very depiction of what a good Christian should be, hell, I was even dating a girl who was the very depiction of what a Great Christian Woman should be. But I wasn’t Happy. So I had to leave what I thought was “The Truth”. I later found where I was actually supposed to be and I met a wonderful guy who makes me really happy.

With that guy I am entering 2020, a new decade, a fresh brand new start.

What will this year (and decade) bring?

2020 here we all come!

Happy New!

I Don’t Have To Please Everyone

2019 is about to end and I want to talk about something that it has taught me.

Each year we grow as people, weather we like it or not. We can either grow into better versions of ourselves or we can grow into biter people who no one wants to be around.

I try to take something from every year. This year has taught me a lot. Not only about myself, but about others, and about all the people I interact with.

I don’t have to please everyone. Lets just put it that way. I don’t want to be a push over, I just want to be nice, with a limit. I deserve that.

Before this year, well most of this year and my entire life, I had the crazy mentality that I had to make everyone happy. I had to do this in order for them to like me. If I didn’t please them, make them happy, or did what they needed me to do, they weren’t going to like me. If I didn’t agree with every single thing that came out of their mouth they wouldn’t want to be my friend.

In doing so I became a slave to everyone. I was there for them and I left myself alone. I did favors and I went out of my way. I said things I didn’t even agree for being scared to be criticized.

But I have realized that there is no purpose in doing any of this. If people want to use you they will, if people want to call you only when they need you they will. The thing is will you let them?

In order for me to leave behind this fear that I had that I needed to be everyone’s best friend I had to tell myself that I didn’t really need them. If they want to leave after everything I have done for them then its on them, I’m not begging.

Plus, life will go on. You think you need someone in your life so bad? No, you are strong and even though in the beginning it will be the hardest thing you can endure, you can still live without them.

That doesn’t mean you have to be a complete asshole to your friends or who you are with. It just means you have to know your limits. You have to see if that person would ever do the same for you. After you analyze the situation and start caring for yourself you’re going to see who’s actually there for you and who’s not.

I’m leaving 2019 living for others and I’m walking into 2020 living for myself.

I’m Not Waiting For 2020

This week has really been a week for me. And I know that may not seem like a surprise since I mainly almost say it nearly every week but that’s what my life has become only because I have let it.

There was a minor thing that happened last week, and I say minor because I refuse to give it power over me. Basically my mom told me that if I continued with my “worldly ways” she would have to cut ties with me and no longer communicate with me. This comes to no surprise to me and I think I have accepted the fact that it will happen weather I like it or not.

She said this because I told her I was going out for the whole entire Thanks Giving weekend. I didn’t tell here with who or where but she knew I was going to celebrate it, and that’s a huge no no for her. But, I was whatever about it, I have already accepted the fact that she is going to follow the instructions that they give her.

It’s almost weird, accepting that fact. Why would I want someone who isn’t going to accept me for me, even if it is my own mother.

My friends are all fighting with each other. I know what’s going on but at the same time I don’t. They always make plans and then someone always ends up canceling, and even though that is annoying, none of us can be mad about it because we all do it once in a while, so there is no reason for them to be fighting, I guess I have really petty friends. Plus, we are all adults, we all have life’s, and we need to be understanding with each other.

This time, unlike other times, where I am always trying to fix the situation and trying my best to get them all together again, I wont be doing so. Not this time, this time they can fix it on their own. It’s not my job honestly. I always lose my mind and forget about myself when I try to save them from themselves.

I have decided to take care of myself first. I come first. I’m going to start being selfish for once in my life, without losing the care that I have for others.

All my life I have been bending over for people, no wonder they come to me first because they know I will be there for them no mater what mental state I am at the moment, and I know that they know but do they care? Nope. I need to care for myself. If I don’t then who will?

And mind you I am not waiting for 2020. I’m not for all that “new year new me”¬†bullshit, if I can better myself today why not do it today? Why the heck do I have to wait for a whole dam New Year?

No, this is my time, I don’t care what year it is, its about dam time that I start taking care of myself.