I’m Going Crazy

Today I got the day off. I am freaking loving it. Well, actually I was. Yesterday I was wondering what I was going to do with all this free time. I was actually having a panic attack trying to find an answer. Did I find one? No. Still haven’t.

So I thought I’d come to my favorite Starbucks and edit one of my YouTube videos. Little did I know what I’d find.

Ok, so first, let me put this out there. Normal people make me uncomfortable. So picture this, a guy sitting at a table, talking to himself, randomly rapping, and then once in a while talking to a toy rabbit the size of a wallet. (Now he’s dancing).

I had to sit right in front of him didn’t I? I didn’t know what was going on. Well, so far he hasn’t done anything that would make me run for the hills, yet, all except for talk to himself. We all do that so don’t act like you don’t. It’s actually very therapeutic. I do it all the time, I just refrain from doing it in public.

Why am I writing about this? I have know clue. It’s whats going, I was going to write about how a friend is pissing me the hell off but we’ll save that juicy content for next post.

Back to our main content, so, I feel like I’m going crazy. I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not calling the dude in front of me crazy. I’m saying he might have been through some rough stuff that has made him the person he is today. Which is why I can relate.

Lately I haven’t been myself. Lets, be honest. I’ve kind of never been myself. I always filter myself. I filter myself a whole lot to be honest. Different filters for different people. Why? I have no clue it just comes subconsciously. Where am I going with this? I have no clue but stick with me.

I feel that I play a part in peoples life’s of who they want me to be. You know what I mean? Like I am never the main character. I’m the supporting character in everyone life. If I was killed of aka written off their show, the audience wouldn’t mind. Does it make sense now? Ok. And in doing so I have lost who I really am. Like, I play so many different roles that I lost the main character or the one I am actually meant to play in this life.

Its not being fake. I’m the biggest people pleaser you know. I will go out of my way to make you happy. My opinion will change to what ever you want to hear because that’s just the way it happens. Its not that I want to be fake like that, its that I lost my voice.

Rejection is my worst fear. It has swallowed me whole. All my life I have wanted be accepted. But the fact of the matter is that I am different. I have to learn how to accept that there will be times when people will not like what I have to say, there will be times when they will hate what I want to do, what I prefer to do, what I actually want to do.

I’m on an emotional roller coaster again. I can feel it. I can’t wait to get off.


Watch my latest YouTube video

We Are All Humans 

            Today at work they showed us a couple of vidoes. Due to the fact that it’s diversity week they wanted to emphasize that just the type of our skin isn’t what makes us diverse, it’s also where we come from, how we grew up, and the obsticles that we have to overcome in life. 

            One of the videos was about a boy named Owen Howkins. He has a rare muscle condition that has only been known to affect 33 people in the whole world. It’s such a heart warming story of him and his dog. How they help each other out and gave one another a brighter day. A new look on life. So in other words, diversity includes all of us. We have to learn to accept everyone. We are all humans. And we all want the same thing, to be accepted

            I got teared up when I watched the video. It’s sad to say that many people thought it was a waste of time, saying how that company time would have worked better for them if they were actually working. Those people make me angry. We need to learn about others, share ideas, grow! How can we understand the rest of the human race if we have don’t know what they go through? Even in our own race. There are things that we don’t go through. Things that we do and they don’t. By sharing and getting to know one another we came help each other out. But my coworkers are very closed minded people I suppose. 

                                  •••

            The rest of the day was better. Tomorrow I’m going to an all day assembly at church again. I missed last Friday so my mom, my brother, and a friend (Gabriel), and I are going tomorrow. Should be nice. 

            Saturday I have the color run with Gabriel. Then I have an eye exam. I need new glasses now. I have no clue how the hell I’m  seeing through these. They are all scratched and blurry. It’s actually a miracle I can see through them at all. 

            I was invited to a party… well, a youth party. One of the teen girls from church is having one at her house. Seeing as I’m shy and antisocial I don’t know if I’ll go. She’s 19 and very loud. I don’t do loud. I do board games and fancy lemonade. So I don’t know if I’ll go. Unles Gabriel convices me. But we all know how that ended last time

            Sunday will be a chill day and I’ll wait and find out what it has in store. Each day has its own worries so why worry about the next? 

Rejection 

            It’s crazy how we as human beings always have to be a part of something. We always have to feel wanted. And when we don’t, the feeling of rejection feels like fire consumming up a beautiful green forest in the middle of the night. It feels like a knife slowly erupting from within the heart cutting circulation and cutting life itself. At least for me it does. 

            That’s pretty much how I have felt all my life. One of my main fears, if not my number one, would be, rejection. It feels awful. One of the worst feelings someone can have. Specially when all you have ever wanted was to be part of something, to be, involved. 

            Everyday at work the coworkers I associate the most with and I always sit at the same table. We have marked it as our table. Not literally of course but mostly everyone knows that it is where we sit on our breaks and lunches. But some times someone new or just another random employee will sit there. That won’t make my coworkers sit else where though. They will just pull up a chair and sit around them. 

            It may seem rude but they are polite and say hi and offer their food or snacks. Maybe we should sit somewhere else? Maybe we should get there earlier? But we don’t. 

            Today though was different. I got ther last and all the seats were taken. It’s a table for four, and I was number seven. I pulled up a chair and Mr. Brown who was sitting at a near by table said, “Dam man! There’s a free table right there.” 

           I felt really bad. Yes, I could have gone to that table and sat alone. And even though I don’t consider my coworkers friends they are still close associates I talk to. As bad as it sounds they are there to fill the empty void I would feel if I was alone. 

            When Mr. Brown said that, it made me feel bad. Bad that I wasn’t brave enough to sit alone. Bad that I always had that feeling of rejection in the back of my mind that I had to avoid. Bad that I always had a feeling of being wanted. Bad that I had to sit at that table to feel part of something. Bad because I was just using them to not feel alone. 

But, am I the only one?