Believe in Myself

It has been 2 weeks since I came out to my mom.

I know that what I may be going through could be irrelevant to what is going on right now in the US, but I still need to vent about it.

My boyfriend and I rearranged his room to accommodate both of us. Somehow we made it to a way were there is more space to walk around. We moved the TV as well. Now it doesn’t just feel like his room, it feels more like our room.

Even though it does feel more like our room, it still doesn’t feel like home. I don’t know when it will or if it ever will.

Yesterday we watched Leah Remini’s documentary about Jehovah Witness. It was triggering, yes, but I wanted him to know even just an once of what I went through, or what it was like being one all my life.

I grew up as a JW. So all things I was taught, all the things I was told, they’re engraved in my head and I have to wait on time to erase them.

I’m still getting used to this. This is a big transition for me. Losing my mom, getting kicked out, living somewhere new, living with another person. It all hit me like a bus..

But, threw all this I know I can make it. I just need to believe in myself.

Naive

I am naive.

I never thought I could be but I am. It’s funny how the ones that say they will never be fooled, are the fools that are fooling themselves, it’s a plot twist not even I saw coming.

All this time I have been walking this earth not knowing how foolish I have become. Believing in things that will never happen. Believing in people that will never change. Believing that a simpler time for me is just ahead. Believing in dreams.

You know when you speak to someone, or even in movies, and they tell you, “you can’t change people.” It’s honestly true. The thing that you don’t know is that, you on your own have to discover that you can’t change people, stop, they won’t change.

They are going to be who ever they want to be no matter what. No matter how much you tell them something bothers you, no matter how much you ask them to treat you differently, they will always act and be who ever the fuck they want to be. And why should they change for you? Even if you were to change something about yourself for them, they would over look it.

I know this is part of growing up, realizing this, a part of life. But it doesn’t make me feel any much less of a loser.

A loser in many different aspects. Loser of time. loser of energy. And even a loser of faith. Just a loser.

Ruined The Friendship

I think I just ended a friendship.

I texted one of my friends that I was going to take a break from talking to him for a while. I told him things are weird and seem a little off. He said that nothing is wrong and everything is fine.

But isn’t that what everyone says to calm down a situation? Like if someone came up to you and just went like – I think I’m going crazy. You’re not going to look at them and be like – oh yeah dude for sure you have been acting wild. No, you’re gonna be sympathetic and be like -nah man it’s all in your head.

I mean I don’t know. I don’t know why I do these things. I feel so inexperienced all the sudden with everything, I’m surprised I don’t forget to breathe sometimes. Or even how to blink.

Let me go back though, so, I know it has to be me. I feel like he’s really been annoying lately. I’m not sure how or even why. But I’m just bugged out by every little thing he says. Maybe I’m under to much stress and everything that’s small just seems really big right now. (That actually could be it to be honest).

We’ve been friends for years on and off. He’s very stubborn, never wrong, and not the most humblest of people. But I look past that. Or I’ve been looking past that. But sometimes it gets on my nerves.

What did I want him to say? I wanted him to be like, -no, I’m still going to text you everyday. We don’t need a break. Or even, -is it something that I did it said? How can I fix it or help? You know what I mean? Something along those lines.

I also feel that we’ve been drifting away. Going separate ways in different directions. I get that. We all grow up and make our own decisions or what ever but god dam its hard. Thought we would always be friends.

No one tells you this stuff. No one tells you you’re going to disconnect with friends. No one warns you. Again, maybe it’s just me. I always like to blame myself and take the fall for stuff. Mainly because it’s mostly my fault at times, but still.

Will I talk to him soon? Maybe. Will he reach out first? I hope.


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You’re Doing Good For Yourself

It’s Friday, I have officially made it through yet another week. I have to say I’m proud of myself. I have accomplished a lot, not only this week but throughout life.

I was talking to one of my friends yesterday, she was explaining to me how she thinks she needs to get her life together. I responded with of course “your talking to the wrong person because I don’t have my life together.”

She went on to say that I shouldn’t be thinking that way. She reminded me that I have two jobs and I am paying for the bills and also paying my car. Her exact statement was, “most people still live with their parents but still have the parents pay for the rent, but their food, and drive a 1990’s car, you’re doing good for yourself.

I have to admit, hearing al that made me feel really good. Like no one is usually tells that I’m doing good. I feel like I’m not doing enough and hearing her say these things makes me feel that I’m doing just enough. I give my all to this one life I was given and it’s really nice when even if it’s just one person, notices.