Him & I

Will I ever be happy?

I know that’s a loaded question but it is one I need to ask. I don’t know who I am asking it to. God? The Universe? A special Higher Power? Who knows, but the question still stands.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, at least that is what I tell myself and him. But, is it actually fact? I am a lover, I am and attention and affection whore, so to speak. I am nice, I am sweet. He is all but the opposite.

Am I even allowed to complain? He opened his doors for me when my own mother kicked me out. He has done everything in his power to make me feel like this is also my home. Then, why isn’t it enough? Why do I a need more?

Why is it that what comes out of his mouth is not what I want him to say? Why is it that his actions are not the ones I want to see. What if the way he thinks is not the way I would like him to.

I know that the perfect couple doesn’t exist, but I know that him and I are not at each others throats like cats and dogs having a blood bath of fights, no. The thing is that I am not happy. In other words (words I did not wish I had to say) he doesn’t make me happy.

But how can I tell him? How can I tell him that I do not like the way he acts? He is who he is right? Why would I tell him to change? To who? To the person in my head I would want him to be? That’s sounds so toxic.

Have I fallen in love with the idea of “Love”. I think I have and I think I am seeing it know.

The thing is, I don’t think he will ever please me emotionally. He can not match my romanticism. He can not match my affection and attention.

What is there to do now?

Love, Affection, And Attention

I had a talk with my girlfriend just some hours ago about her showing more affection in our relationship. I’m not pushing her to do anything physical, all I’m asking is for her to tell me how she feels. I want to know if she’s happy or sad or mad or something, anything! Just tell me how you feel!

I’ve mentioned before on how I feel as if I’m dating a rock. And it does honestly make me feel that way. Sure, when we were friends it was fun and I really enjoyed being around her but now that we are in a relationship it’s different, or at least for me it should have been. I thought things would change but I still feel as if I’m just a simple little old friend.

But thanks to her I see what I want in a relationship. I want love, affection, and attention. I want someone who will make me a priority just as I have to them. Someone who wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. I want a connection, I want chemistry. And what I have now is not that.

I told her I don’t want to continue on like this but when she started to cry I caved in and agree to try a little more. And I honestly will. Maybe she does need time, or maybe she needs something else? I’m not sure but I know what I want and she doesn’t.

I’m giving her a month to see what happens. I don’t expect things to change but in the course of our conversation she pretty much explained to me how she doesn’t see herself changing and she really doesn’t need cheesy acts of love in her life and she’s fine with me not doing those things. The problem is I want to do those things and I want those feelings reciprocated like just about anyone else.

Putting it in my head that this isn’t gonna work out will help me leave her for sure this time. And also distancing myself from her little by little bit at the same time being super nice, this will help us heal better and maybe it will be good to just go back to being friends.

My best friend doesn’t want me to end it. He says it can work out, but can it? I don’t know. We have very different view points in many things and as much as I’ve tried to get this going I always seem to have a problem with something. So maybe it’s me? But I won’t use that excuse because I’m always the one compromising.

Anyway those are my thoughts for right now. Of course they can change because usually they do, can’t help but be myself.

I’m Dating A Rock

Will someone tell me if love is supposed to be this hard? Is it supposed to be this complicated?

I can not get a break. I mean, I’ve tried love so many ways and so many times with so many people and it seems like it just isn’t going for me. Maybe, just maybe, I over think too much. Or maybe it might just be who I am as a person. I’m going to be stuck being one of those people that will for ever be alone. And when people look to me they’ll say, “why are you alone? You are such a great person, anyone would have been lucky to have yuh.”

That’s the thing, I don’t know why I would end up alone, or even answer that question, but it seems that after every relationship I am. Do I ask for too much? Am I needy? Clingy? I’m sure there has to be a person out there like me, someone who feels the same way as me.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a while now and I’m having trouble, hmm let’s say, trying to figure out if she has a heart.

I know it’s doesn’t sound nice of me. I know it’s probably cruel to say it, but I’m dating a freaking rock. If I tell her I like her, she says thanks. If I tell her she’s beautiful, she denies it. If I compliment her in any way she won’t take it. Those aren’t things you say or do when your dating.

I still feel like I’m just one of her friends and not her boyfriend. She never says anything cheesy or romantic. That’s what I crave, that’s what I need! I want to be smothered in love. I want to feel warm inside all the time. I want to think of her and feel happy, not sad because she’s hiding her feelings from me.

She told me she doesn’t know how to express her feelings. I don’t know what to do with this information. Am I supposed to show her? Isn’t it just something you do? A simple, “hey I don’t know how to say this but I feel good being around you ” would be nice. Or even a miss you here and there wouldn’t feel to bad either. I just want expressions that make me know that you like me being around you. Just something, anything!

If I can’t get any human emotion out of her then I think it will be best to just leave things as they are now.