I’m Going Crazy

Today I got the day off. I am freaking loving it. Well, actually I was. Yesterday I was wondering what I was going to do with all this free time. I was actually having a panic attack trying to find an answer. Did I find one? No. Still haven’t.

So I thought I’d come to my favorite Starbucks and edit one of my YouTube videos. Little did I know what I’d find.

Ok, so first, let me put this out there. Normal people make me uncomfortable. So picture this, a guy sitting at a table, talking to himself, randomly rapping, and then once in a while talking to a toy rabbit the size of a wallet. (Now he’s dancing).

I had to sit right in front of him didn’t I? I didn’t know what was going on. Well, so far he hasn’t done anything that would make me run for the hills, yet, all except for talk to himself. We all do that so don’t act like you don’t. It’s actually very therapeutic. I do it all the time, I just refrain from doing it in public.

Why am I writing about this? I have know clue. It’s whats going, I was going to write about how a friend is pissing me the hell off but we’ll save that juicy content for next post.

Back to our main content, so, I feel like I’m going crazy. I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not calling the dude in front of me crazy. I’m saying he might have been through some rough stuff that has made him the person he is today. Which is why I can relate.

Lately I haven’t been myself. Lets, be honest. I’ve kind of never been myself. I always filter myself. I filter myself a whole lot to be honest. Different filters for different people. Why? I have no clue it just comes subconsciously. Where am I going with this? I have no clue but stick with me.

I feel that I play a part in peoples life’s of who they want me to be. You know what I mean? Like I am never the main character. I’m the supporting character in everyone life. If I was killed of aka written off their show, the audience wouldn’t mind. Does it make sense now? Ok. And in doing so I have lost who I really am. Like, I play so many different roles that I lost the main character or the one I am actually meant to play in this life.

Its not being fake. I’m the biggest people pleaser you know. I will go out of my way to make you happy. My opinion will change to what ever you want to hear because that’s just the way it happens. Its not that I want to be fake like that, its that I lost my voice.

Rejection is my worst fear. It has swallowed me whole. All my life I have wanted be accepted. But the fact of the matter is that I am different. I have to learn how to accept that there will be times when people will not like what I have to say, there will be times when they will hate what I want to do, what I prefer to do, what I actually want to do.

I’m on an emotional roller coaster again. I can feel it. I can’t wait to get off.


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Study Myself

I’m trying to cope with my anxiety. I’ve been studying myself lately. Others would call it over thinking but that’s neither here nor there.

Any who, this morning I barley made it out of bed. I woke up, looked at my phone and slowly considered all the possibilities and outcomes of me not actually showing up to work. Some how they all waded up with the world collapsing or a total apocalyptic nightmare.

I know, a little too much. But hey, that’s me. I eventually got up and made it to work. I reminisced on my favorite moments form last year. Dang, I was crazy. How did I do those things? Social little butterfly I was. No, I was a monstrous huge mosquito. Then I looked at all the times I felt down or depressed. What led me there? What led me to be better? I know I’m not bipolar. At least I don’t think I am. I hope not.

But for sure I have some type of thing that’s wrong with me. Who knows. But I’ve noticed a certain pattern in the last couple of years. I go from being a little tiny ant hiding under rocks and blending in with the crowd. Then, suddenly, I’m the center of attention. I’m everywhere. In every post on every picture on all social media. Ok, maybe not like that but you get me?

So like I said I see a pattern, do I know what it means? Hell no. Just know that there’s one there. If I go back and check on my blog posts it’s also clearly there to see as well. So what’s next? Maybe I need to study myself more. Evaluate Me. See who I am. Even though I thought I really already knew myself I guess there’s more to me then I knew.

What Doesn’t Kill You… Will Come Back Again And Again To Try To Kill You Every Time You Beat It

Self harm has never been easy for me to talk about. Even though I have talked about it on here before, it’s not and easy topic or an and everyday thing to speak about.

I’ve had a really long relationship with self harming. It’s different for everyone. It had been a little over a year since the last time this accrued. But it did. It has.

I don’t like talking about this. I don’t like even mentioning it. I hide it. Keep it covered. No one can know no one can find out.

My best friend yesterday finally broke through that wall. Everything seemed ok, everything was, or at least that’s how I usually play it as. Until he saw through it for the first time.

I told him. I don’t know why. I don’t even know how. But I did. Today when I woke up, I felt a wave of regret. Why did I tell him? He wouldn’t care. He doesn’t need to know, this isn’t his problem. Embarrassing, humiliating, and pathetic problem. Is he even going to want to still be friends?

So many thoughts went through my mind. But it was different. He listened. He was there. And he offered to help. Just thinking about it now makes me ball out with tears.

I like to say I’m strong. That I can do it all. And many people have told me that that’s what they see in me. Because that’s what I let them see. But there’s way more. I didn’t think I’d come back to this situation I’m in again. I thought this was all done with. It was all over. The whole “what doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger”, but it’s not like that. It’s more of a What doesn’t kill you, will come back again and again and try to kill you every time you beat it.

There’s a song that really gets to me every time I listen to it. Maybe it’s cheesy, maybe its too something something, but the message in it is what I relate to.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why
I do it every, every, every time
It’s only when I’m lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave
And I don’t wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I’m lonely

I’m sorry that I’m here again
I promise I’ll get help
It wasn’t my intention
I’m sorry to myself

-Demi Lovato

You

Why do you do that?

Why do you give yourself to people you know will end up hurting you in the end? Why do you instill all your trust in them as if they had a good reason to have it?

Why do you sit there and cry over things that maybe don’t have any meaning behind. You over think things and make them worse.

Then you come to find out it’s not even what you were thinking about. Why? Why do you do that?

Why do you hurt yourself? Is it for fun or to numb the feelings that you feel inside? Maybe it’s to just pass the time. Why do you hide that hurt like it’s something to be ashamed of?

You’re not ok, why do you bother? Get help. Wait, they don’t help. They’ve tried but it’s not enough. What is enough? Why do you make excuses? Just do it. It’s honestly really annoying. Time after time you always say you’re doing great then randomly say you have anxiety.

Attention is what you seek. Let’s be real. Everyone can see it. It’s written all over your face. You say all you want is love but what you seek is something else.

You need to stop expressing yourself like that. No one wants to hear it anyway. They’re just being nice.

Another relationship you burst into flames because your gasoline tears smothered the foundation of that relationship. I think your bipolar. You shouldn’t date, just stay alone. At least that way you can say it’s by choice and not that your exes say you’re hard to deal with.

But any who, who am I to advise. I’m the same way.

Cycle

I’ve talked many times about anxiety on this blog. Its a safe place for me to express my emotions without feeling ashamed of them. Many people don’t like to talk about their anxiety with other people because they feel that they are minimized. They feel that the people they tell don’t really care for how they feel or take it as if that person is just asking for attention. I’ve felt this way many times.

At the beginning of last year I was at my emotional worst. I had feelings here and there and I was all over the place. Some how, it feels as if I’m falling back into that cycle.

I think the years of handling stress has worn me down. I used to not be phased by challenges that came about. Dad left? Chill about it. Getting kicked out by landlords? Ok cool. Best friend distancing himself from me? I guess. My moms cancer. Yikes. Every little thing life has thrown my way has been chipping slowly at my wall of strength. So it takes a lot more of me to get back up when I get knocked down.

Get this though, through all this I’ve always had anxiety. I’ve survived. But I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I was able to handle it, and sometimes I couldn’t, I would take it out on myself.

I’m not exactly sure if what I have is anxiety. Maybe it’s just depression? Or maybe both? Who knows. I just know I’m not supposed to feel like I do. At least I’m trying not to.