Stupid Shit

I don’t know what it is.

I’m sitting in my boyfriends room while he takes a shower thinking, dam… pretty soon I’m going to be surrounded by thousands of people, loud music, and alcohol.

To any other normal person this would be a dream. Why wouldn’t you want to party on the last day of the year and have the time of your life with the love of your life celebrating and welcoming the new year?

But to me, to me it’s not like that. I feel anxious, nervous, and to be completely honest I don’t really want to go. Maybe it’s just a bad day for me? Maybe I’m overthinking it too much. This always happens, I get excited for something and down to the wire I don’t want to go.

My boyfriend spent a lot of money to go, he’s really excited and this is his scene, he loves these types of events.

It makes me feel really far from him. He’s social, loud, likes to be around his friends constantly. But I’m all the opposite. Why can’t I be like that? Why do I feel this way?

I hate overthinking, I really hate it. Why can’t I have a normal brain and just live in the moment and not worry about the little stupid shit no one else has on their mind.

All that’s left to do is just suck it up, and live in the moment.

Knock Knock. Who’s There? It’s Anxiety Bitch

I went to the gym today. Instead of getting off my car, like a normal person would, I stayed there in the parking lot for about 30 minutes contemplating life. Why? Well, wouldn’t we all like to know.

The cars passed by unaware of what I was going through. Its funny how the world still continues when our brains have stopped to think about nonsense. Nothing will ever be placed on hold for you, its a sad reality but its true.

I didn’t plan this sudden burst of anxiety. Like usual it comes out of the blue and its uninvited. I packed my gym bag, took my brother to his job, and then I headed to the gym with the intention to go hard and be fit. Why is it that I couldn’t get off my car?

I fucking hate anxiety. Hate it. It stops me from doing things that are so simple to some people. At the end of the day its still my fault, I haven’t been taking my medication the correct way.

SO, you can basically say that this post is pointless, “just take your god dam pills and get over yourself.” I hear you say. You have a valid point. I am self destructing at this point, I don’t even know why I do it honestly. But sometimes it sounds like there are a lot of little Me’s in my head and they all want me to do what they tell me to.

I need to get back to taking them how they are supposed to be taken. I just hate the fact that I have to depend on them or else I feel like shit.

Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?

2019 Throughout My Year

2019 is almost over and a lot of things are still going to happen before its over, so I want to write this post now that I have the time to.

THIS YEAR MAN, wow this year has been a year right? Or is it just me? Lets break it down;

January

I had been MIA at the end of last year because I was super “religious”. I didn’t really want to blog because I felt that it was worldly. January was the time I came back to this blog, and I came back with a girlfriend. I know, I’m still surprised that even happened but it did. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was lying to myself, deep down I knew it wasn’t going to work out. I did love her though, just not the way I thought I did.

February

I started to see cracks in my relationship with the girl I had been dating from church. Along with stupid church rules we had to follow, we also had to abide by her fathers rules, which sucked. My anxiety was at an all time high and I was not in a good place. I wasn’t happy at all.

March

This month was a big month you could say, not as big as some that are yet to come but it was a something. I broke up with the girl I was dating, started a failed YouTube channel, and started to see the cracks in my former job and religion, which now I don’t have either or.

April

This month was really productive. I was out looking for a new job because things were getting too stressful at my current one. I remember applying to many jobs and hoping to be called in. I didn’t know then but now I am glad no one hired me, things happen for a reason. I also started to have issues with my then best friend from church. This would later result in us not speaking to each other. But it was going to end that way either way since I left the religion, he can’t talk to me now anyways.

May

This is the month that I will mark when my then best friend and I stopped being friends. I remember stressing over our friendship while he was in Cancun having the time of his life with other church people. I was stressed, I had anxiety issues, and to add to everything they had just told us at work that they were doing a mass layoff. Not to mention I was starting to be fed up with the religion I was going that I started to ask myself why I was even going if it was making me so unhappy.

June

This has to be one of the most important months of the year for me. It was when I finally left the religion I was in. I told my mom that I would no longer be assisting the church she had raised me in. It hurt like a mother fucker. It felt like I was putting a knife right in her chest. It was hard, but it was worth it. I also started dating again. I met what I thought was a nice guy and we had a couple of good dates here and there. Mean while my mother was balling her eyes out because she thought Satan had his claws on me. I slowly started to tell my coworkers that I was Gay, and it felt really liberating.

July

I just had ended things with the guy I was dating when the girl I had dated before wanted to meet to talk. I don’t know why I said yes, maybe to be nice? Seeing her again felt refreshing and I still don’t know why I felt the way I felt. I felt bad for her, she wanted me and she was suffering, plus she was a nice girl and I really enjoyed her company. You can put a gun to my face and ask me why I got back with her and I still wouldn’t know what to answer. Maybe I did it for her, maybe to make my mother a little more happier since I wasn’t going to church that would cheer her up. I don’t really know.

August

I was having a good time with the girl I was back together with. I was also excited to leave my work since the time had come to be let go. I was going to collect unemployment and go back to school, which is exactly what I am doing and I am acing my class thank you very much. This is also the month when I started to take my anti anxiety pills. I’m unsure what it was that made me see a doctor but I guess I was just fed up with feeling the way I was. I started to really research the religion I had been a part of my whole life. It was a cult. At first I didn’t want to know anything about it, I wanted it out of my life and I didn’t want anything to remind me that I was once part of it, but this month I was over that phase and I started discovering what it was actually about.

September

I was already having issues with the girl I was dating. She didn’t like my friends because she thought they were the reason I had left the religion. Since she was in it she would always ask me when I was going to go back. It was irritating and I didn’t like it. Eventually since we were both unhappy we split up and I haven’t heard from her since. Soon later I jumped back into the dating pool as if I never had left and started swimming with the fishes. I dated many guys, but one caught my eye… again. I met him over a year ago and now he’s my Boyfriend and I love him.

October

I started to fall for my boyfriend by this time. It was really crazy how much I enjoyed his company. I wanted nothing but him. Every weekend would be so much. He made me feel so good about myself I had never felt so safe with anyone like I did and do with him.

November

November started off really bad. My moms car broke down and I was feeling like I used to feel at the beginning of the year. I was finding fault in everything. If Debbie Downer had a younger brother his name would be Bobbie and I would be him. But the stars aligned and I got to spend Thanksgiving with my boyfriend and I had a great time with him and his family.

December

I’m not going to say that this is going to be the best month of the year because I don’t want to jinx it, so you get the picture. I have realized that I love the guy I’m dating, I love the person I am becoming, and I love the life I am starting to live. It’s been a long ass year and I deserve some fucking happiness. Later this month my boyfriend is taking a week off work for new years. We are going to celebrate it at a rave. He also asked me to stay with him for all the days of his vacation. I seriously can’t wait.

 

That’s my whole year in a nutshell.

2020 here I come.

 

I’m Not Waiting For 2020

This week has really been a week for me. And I know that may not seem like a surprise since I mainly almost say it nearly every week but that’s what my life has become only because I have let it.

There was a minor thing that happened last week, and I say minor because I refuse to give it power over me. Basically my mom told me that if I continued with my “worldly ways” she would have to cut ties with me and no longer communicate with me. This comes to no surprise to me and I think I have accepted the fact that it will happen weather I like it or not.

She said this because I told her I was going out for the whole entire Thanks Giving weekend. I didn’t tell here with who or where but she knew I was going to celebrate it, and that’s a huge no no for her. But, I was whatever about it, I have already accepted the fact that she is going to follow the instructions that they give her.

It’s almost weird, accepting that fact. Why would I want someone who isn’t going to accept me for me, even if it is my own mother.

My friends are all fighting with each other. I know what’s going on but at the same time I don’t. They always make plans and then someone always ends up canceling, and even though that is annoying, none of us can be mad about it because we all do it once in a while, so there is no reason for them to be fighting, I guess I have really petty friends. Plus, we are all adults, we all have life’s, and we need to be understanding with each other.

This time, unlike other times, where I am always trying to fix the situation and trying my best to get them all together again, I wont be doing so. Not this time, this time they can fix it on their own. It’s not my job honestly. I always lose my mind and forget about myself when I try to save them from themselves.

I have decided to take care of myself first. I come first. I’m going to start being selfish for once in my life, without losing the care that I have for others.

All my life I have been bending over for people, no wonder they come to me first because they know I will be there for them no mater what mental state I am at the moment, and I know that they know but do they care? Nope. I need to care for myself. If I don’t then who will?

And mind you I am not waiting for 2020. I’m not for all that “new year new me”¬†bullshit, if I can better myself today why not do it today? Why the heck do I have to wait for a whole dam New Year?

No, this is my time, I don’t care what year it is, its about dam time that I start taking care of myself.

Warning Signs

Do you ever see a warning sign that says “Don’t touch this, this is EXTREMELY hot. YOU WILL BE BURNED“? And think to yourself,¬†hmm I wonder if that’s actually true, let me go ahead and just place one finger on it.¬†Obviously, if you have a brain, and you know how to use it, you’re going to listen to the warning sign, right?

Well, tell me why I still didn’t. I have been taking anti anxiety pills for about four months now. They have helped, which is great. But just like every medications for what ever it is you need to take them for, they come with warning signs that you should probably pat attention to. I mean they were put there for a reason right? The doctors didn’t just decide it would be funny to put “Don’t drive while on this” as a joke on sleeping pill bottles. Of course if you have common sense you wouldn’t even need to be reminded of that, but hence, they put it on there because someone probably did it anyways.

So, going back to the point I steered away from. My pills specifically said not to drink with alcohol. I’m not going to swallow a pill down with a Bud Light either, I know that. And since I am a human in his early 20’s that likes to have some fun sometimes I didn’t listen to that warning said.

Well, if you want to get technical, I did. I wouldn’t take my pills on the weekends when I knew I was going to drink. Then again, that’s basically breaking another rule which involves taking the pills everyday and not having any gaps in between. There’s no winning here.

Moving on, this took a toll on me as I noticed my anxiety coming back very strong. I have tried to learn how to cope with it, because lets be honest, who wants to be on pills all their lives right? But, sometimes I just can’t. And with everything going on, sometimes its just hard.

I told my boyfriend I need to quit the drinking for a bit or a while. He knows about my anxiety and he is very supportive. He said he would stop drinking as well, which is really sweet of him. We need to save it all up for New Years anyways.

So far its been two weeks since I stopped drinking and I even feel a little better, body wise. I think I was even gaining weight from all the drinking.

Moral of the story, listen to the warning signs, and don’t try to find loop holes because in the end you’re just going to hurt yourself, a different way, but still hurt yourself.